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Hi. I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside. Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason? And what do you do now?

I had no idea where to post this, so I posted it here; mods, please move it as you see fit. Does anyone else experience this? I feel this tugging sensation in my chest, this emptiness and loneliness, all the time. It's a physical sensation, very tangible... It sometimes makes me physically ill. I have to lay in bed for hours at times to recuperate from really bad "episodes" of it. I even feel it, at times, even when I'm around my very best of best of friends, who are actually closer than brothers to me. They are the only ones who can actually somewhat fill that void in my chest, but not always. I feel isolated and cut off in gatherings of groups of friends or family gatherings, like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't talk much because I feel almost like I'm not part of the group, even with aforementioned close friends there. It's so strange. I have occasionally experienced depersonalization in such situations, which is extremely uncomfortable and alarming, and has triggered panic attacks before, but that's not the reason for the post. My reason for this post is to ask if anyone else experiences this same constant tugging sensation in the chest, that constant reminder that "you're alone," the feeling of being alone, and this sort of feeling that "you'll always be alone in this world no matter what," even if you have the best friends in the world to accompany you in life...

To start this off, I'd like to say that this is my first post, although I have been reading this forum for years. Also, I have never been diagnosed with BPD, although I strongly believe I have it. No counselor has ever confirmed a diagnosis, but then again I've never stuck with the same therapists for more than a handful of sessions. (Are there really decent counselors out there?) So, I guess my question goes out to those who do have BPD or have similar tendencies. I have always struggled with fearing people are lying to me, although sometimes it seems more all-encompassing than other times. I do have a host of really great friends, and although I have sometimes doubted that they care about me, I have finally come to the conclusion that after all the years, they really do, even though my mind sometimes tries to convince me otherwise. However, I never really paid attention to whether or not there was a trend. But, after a bad friend-break-up and more life experiences, I've been more in tune to the way I think about and react to others. And, I've noticed that in the past few weeks I've been feeling more and more like others are intentionally excluding me and/or lying to me whether in my family, my work, or my friend group. So, I'm wondering, does anyone else feel this way? That they'll be fine for a bit and able to think clearly, but then go through periods where you feel everyone is trying to exclude you? The logical side of me thinks that this likely isn't true, but I can't reason with myself that it isn't true, and I think perhaps they really don't like me. I may be more on edge too because I moved to a new city about a month ago and I'm just now starting to settle in, so maybe now is the point where I sabotage things because I think everyone hates me and then they end up hating me? I wish people weren't so confusing and were more straightforward.

Hi Everyone, I know this isn't like chat.. but I figure maybe we could use this sort of like an AIM or just to talk and see what everyone is up to or how we are doing. We can talk about cats, food, mental breakdowns, anything you want!! Don't be sad.. I know this is a big change not having chat, but we are still here.

Hi guys, it has been awhile.... Well, my OCD germaphobe habits are starting to tick badly again. I think it is the result of my actually going over to another person's place. OMG, right? I've been a couple of times and try to be polite, but I can't wait to leave and clean myself like crazy!!! This was before they got a pet. And this is the kicker...the last time I was over their pet made a mess on the floor, and they picked up the mess BUT DID NOT CLEAN THE FLOOR. For a moment I was literally paralyzed because I had to cross over that area to get to another spot. I pretended to shake it off, but for the rest of the visit I kept thinking about all the germs that could be on that carpet from now and before. It was horrible. I wanted to trash all my clothes. Now I am reluctant to visit again, but I can't really ignore this person. So this is the problem. I told them at a previous visit (before the whole mess thing) that I was "a bit of a germaphobe." They were a little incredulous, but now I need to seriously tell them that this is a problem for me, but I'm not sure how. I have offered time and again to give them a pet carpet cleaner, but they decline. And I really don't want to go over there again because in my mind everything is contaminated. It wasn't so bad before the pet (well it was bad) but now.... Any ideas? I'd be glad to hear them. Until then I'll be alienating "dirty" clothes, showering, washing my hands, lysol spraying the doorknobs, and glaring at people who sneeze in public. Poem

Dear Crazyboard, I'm in the theme park now for almost 5 years and Aim sick of it my bipolar is destroying my body, my interests, social life everything. But the most painful is the constant loneliness i have to deal with. I'm currently living in a housing project for people with mental illness and its like a prison my old friends if you can call them that don't want to come and visit just because of the stigma and vibe this place got. My family is already happy i moved out and now Aim sitting here in my room with no person to talk to it sucks! I'm really searching for someone to talk to doesn't matter how email,whatsapp anything everything is better than sitting here in my lonely room yet another day.. GreetZz, Zoquduan

I have been quite depressed lately over loosing friends and even family. While my relationship with my fiance seems to have been saved (he has been going to therapy, taking meds, been much happier, sweeter, supportive, and at least trying very hard to be understanding of my emotional self which makes me very happy), all my other relationships seem to be falling into shambles. I will start off with my dad. We were very close until I became a very troubled teenager. He tried to gain custody, but I refused to go due to the emotional stress it was causing. An ex-wife he always sided with to get some tail furthered the rift between us. Also my mom's hatred for him he assumes has tainted my view of him despite what I tell him and no matter how many times I tell him other wise. Anyway, I really like his current wife and we talk a lot when ever I go visit. However, there are some things she told me I wish she had kept to herself, but I understand she wanted to vent to someone as well. We are the same age, and both know him quite well. They have been having some problems and I am not sure if they will make it. Anyway, I learned that he feels he is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. That if I was not a Christian (which I am not, but that is a secret) or a lesbian I would be disowned. I really feel for anyone having to deal with that who have come out to their families. Just saying, I am so sorry to anyone who has to live with that. However, she also ranted on how hypocritical he is as a porn addict he loves watching two girls more than anything. Hm. Anyway, during my last visit he was quite a jerk to me. Nothing nice was ever spoken. He told me I never take care of my child even though I did so the entire time I was there. He put me down telling me everything I was doing wrong, and smirked shaking his head at my comments to what I do or what I think should be done. I just cannot handle him anymore. He has two new kids, and I honestly think he will be close with them until they become adults like with me. As long as they agree with him, they will be fine. It depends on how much he brainwashes them into agreeing with everything he says. He always tells me that if I think anything different than him then I must be some sheep believing the media, when I just do my own research and make my own opinions. All my friends are pretty busy. Life calls, I understand, but it is difficult to bear at times when I never see anyone. And I do mean never no matter how hard we all try. They work many jobs and are struggling to keep their heads above the water, so I completely understand and go to them when I can. However, it is very difficult with a toddler. I get tired of always being the one to go to them when it is so much easier for them to come to me (we live 2 hours a part). My best friend has never once come to see me in my town. She also lives two hours away. For years I drive to see her. Even right after my baby was born, I packed his things and went over there fighting the hassle of the pack n play, the many cans of formula, him having trouble in a strange home, etc. I do it since she helps with gas, lets us stay for a while, and we have tons of fun. However, those times I can drive out there now are pretty few between classes and a toddler. Plus, she has a job now and works a lot. I get it, but things got really bad lately. She found this girl she works with and has become incredibly close with. Honestly, at first I was not at all jealous. I did not like the girl very much because she hates being around kids and it made me feel bad. Plus, she used the excuse of anxiety which I never get to use even though I have severe problems with it and am hospitalized because of it at least once every year from the havoc it wrecks on my body. I told her I wasn't crazy about all that, but I didn't know her well enough to really say if I liked her or not, just that I was not comfortable that she did like kids. Like I said, it made me feel bad for some reason since I never planned on ever having any and I suffer with post-partum depression that has not yet fully subsided. Anyway, as time goes on they spend more and more time together, and of course I am never invited. I used to always be allowed to go over to her home whenever i wanted. I got a key, know the code and everything. I have been over there when everyone had to work and played with the cats/just chilled with my son, whatever. I had a rough patch with my fiance and needed space. I had no where to go except to her place and asked if I could come over, or even if she wanted to come over to see me. For the first time she told me no because she had to work. That never stopped me before, so I got my feelings hurt. I didn't say anything except okay, and that I understand. I went to some of my other friends for help, thanked them publicly for their help and she became offended that I did not thank her too even though she didn't do a damn thing to help. I understand if she was too busy, but I am swallowing my own forming jealousy of her new friend because that makes he happy, so I figured she should do the same for me. Perhaps that was wrong of me, but when she called me out on it, I called her out on leaving me out of things and I felt the distance between us widen. After that I asked her again because I still needed help. The answer again was no because she was sick. So I left it alone. Now, I got a new phone since my old one got fried. I asked everyone for their phone numbers or to text me so I have it. She told me to message her on fb instead because her phone was messing up and she is getting a new one soon. I mean, she would still have the same number so wtf? I could message her online and still have her number for when she got her phone. She hates drama. I know she thinks I am full of it with the challenges in my relationship and my difficulties with the part-partum depression. She tends to be the friend to try and cheer you up if you feel bad and not talk much about it. I've always been fine with that since she always does a great job, and distractions work best for me. For her too, so it was something that always worked. Now, even though all I want is that distraction again, I am being shunned. Yeah, perhaps I talked too much about my problems the last time we hung out. I was struggling. Is my sensitivity really that bad that people want to avoid me? I've tried making other friends, but it just has not been going well. I am shy around people I do not know. I don't get along with most people just because I don't share "normal" interests. Loosing all these people are just making me really depressed, and I never feel like doing anything.

Hi, I stumbled upon this site almost a year ago, but hesitated making an account. I wasn't sure if I'd really "fit in" and connect to other people, but I want to try. It'd be great to meet other people and, hopefully over time, find some great friends. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and it's nice to "meet" you all

I have a small but strong group of girlfriends who are as supportive as they can be about my MI. They try to understand, though they don't REALLY understand. I am thankful for them, don't get me wrong... I have, however, met some great friends through hospital, and they really do understand me. I wondered if anyone else has had this experience? Over the three IP visits I had in 2013, (3 days, 4 weeks, 6 weeks) I collected 6 friends, a mix of male and female, that I see or speak to regularly. They are a mix of MIs, including bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, BPD, OCD and PTSD. We used to meet at a cafe regularly (until recently, as I've moved) and just spend time together, as they also did not have jobs to go to during the day, like my other friends did. They really enrich my life. We talk about MI and coping some of the time, but we also talk about other stuff - just normal life. We shared some stressful experiences in the hospital, and those really bonded us. It is nice sometimes to talk about those days and joke about the useless nurses we had or the weird quirky pdocs. Kind of takes the sting out of those memories. The friends I've made IP also made it so much more bearable while I was there. Has anyone else met some great friends with MI whilst in the hospital?

Grrrr, a friend made me so mad on Facebook this morning. I posted last night that I *do* feel better after exercising, with the hashtag 'bipolar'. She replied by telling me that DSM diagnoses get entrenched in people's brains, preventing them from getting better. While I'm perfectly aware that identifying with your illness isn't the healthiest thing to do, I know this person, and I know that she thinks mental illness in America is an industry driven by Big Pharma and that if we all took hypnosis (from her, of course) and did other things, that we wouldn't have mental illness anymore or need to take those evil, evil drugs, because she's "seen it happen". You can *sometimes* make mental illness *better* with lifestyle changes, but by and large someone is not going to cure themselves of their mental illness through lifestyle changes alone. I told her not to go there, though what I really wanted to tell her was to get the fuck out of my face with that ignorant bullshit. She's perpetuating myths and stereotypes that most people have about mental illness and basically telling me that it's my choice to be bipolar (which she has done before, though not in those exact words). I would have bitchslapped her through the computer if I could have. I suppose she means well, but damn! I responded by unfriending her (because I'm sick of her repeated attempts to tell me my disease is a choice) and posting a small rant on my timeline basically letting everyone else know that if they ever insinuate that my disease is a choice, they will be immediately unfriended without question. I have enough trouble in my life without having to deal with that ignorant bullshit.

Hi, everyone. I have not been formally diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. However, while Googling info on how to handle criticism, I kept running into Avoidant Personality Disorder. I understand that not being able to handle criticism is not the only criteria. However, after looking at the criteria for the disorder, I feel I may qualify, although I think it is not as severe as it may be for others I have never had many friends-especially close friends. I consider all of my current "friends" as acquaintances. I have had 2 best friends in the 43 years I have been alive and 2 boyfriends. I ended up marrying the second one (who is a great person). I have always felt that I do not know how to deal with people and that I must be doing something wrong. I have pretty much been a loner. Not because I consciously choose to, but it always ends up that way. I do not mingle at social gatherings. I used to escape to fantasy books up until I got married. I have always had a fear of public speaking which has gotten better within the last 2 years--not sure why. I have learned to deal with not having friends and enjoy being a semi-loner. I love my husband and we have a great relationship. We have a lovely daughter. I occasionally go out to lunch with 2 of my acquaintances, but this only happens every 2-4 months. I have always HATED criticism. It makes my heart pound. I get a sinking feeling almost close to fainting. I know that the comments are not directed at me personally and is only meant to help, but I am always devastated. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and am being treated for that, but for some reason the above topics (except being lonely) never came up. I don't feel that my case is severe enough to require therapy, as I seem to be coping pretty well. I managed to get through college and just competed Graduate school so I can teach English as a Second Language. Not the most friendly position for me, but I really enjoy languages and meeting people from other countries.My most recent incident with criticism was through my volunteer work with ESL. The instructor asked me to move around the room to work with the students rather than just sitting with some of the students. A reasonable request and I appreciated that she made the request in writing, as that reduces the devastation somewhat. However, I still was angry and hurt. So my question is has anyone come up with any coping mechanisms for dealing with criticism? Thanks. Sandra

Hello, I am a newbie and this is the first forum that I have joined. I have not been diagnosed with any disorders, but there are a few that I can guess that I may have. The main ones that I would say are social anxiety and depression. I do not take any pills or do anything about it. I do not remember the last time that I could really say that I was content, but the social anxiety I feel like started only a few years ago and keeps getting worse. I used to hang out with friends a lot and always want to go out and party and do stuff, but now I stay home most of the time and do not like and am scared to meet new people and go places. I am 24 years old. I feel like I do not connect with anyone and do not even like anyone. What is wrong with me and how do I fix it and is there anyone out there that will get me and care about me?? Well I don't know how forums work, but thought I would start out with my introduction and see where it goes from here. Walnuts

Has anyone experienced loneliness because either a) they don't tell anyone about their illnesses or b) their friends simply don't believe them? Is this because lots of people in college seem to claim mental illness so no one believes it anymore? The response to my problems, when I rarely bring them up at all (I don't like to have attention on me, generally) from friends is something like: "Oh, don't worry, you're fine, you don't seem depressed." "Really? You don't seem bipolar at all. Isn't that super over-diagnosed?" Or people telling me that they "feel down" sometimes too. But I can't explain it.. I can't tell them how I don't call them up when I'm so delusional that I think I might be able to fly, when hypomania surges through me like morphine. Or the reason that I never see them is that I'm depressed most of the time. That I don't sleep well. That I've attempted suicide twice. That college is extremely difficult for me. This makes me feel very isolated and my anxiety just makes it worse. I thought college would be the time of my life. I would like one person, other than the psychiatrists I've seen and my family members, to believe me and support me. Any college students have experience with this?