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  1. I turned 30 recently. I live in a city with 5mn people. I'm reasonably attractive and have been for most of my adulthood (not to sound arrogant), but STILL FOUND IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. I make people laugh, smile, people flirt with me... but a couple things have held me back. -I lost a lot of weight when I was younger, almost 80-90lb. I have some excess skin. I am getting rid of it this month. -I didn't realize but I was treated wrong when i was 20-21... I have ADHD and sometimes I feel definitely or maybe not Bipolar II. They've both been diagnosed. -I had to spend a hell of a lot of time, when I was mistreated with SNRI medication, to adjust my life. I stopped smoking, eventually stopped drinking. My friends for years were other substance abusers. WHen I was younger, I had made friends easily at times - but they were popular, and I was kind of popular, to very popular, to not popular and not trying at times throughout my life. I want to leave my current city. BUT, I wanted to leave the city I grew up in. Eventually i had to, because there was an extortion period... where I was a victim and got into a lot of trouble. Financial ruin, academic ruin etc. Ever since... I feel better when I do better in school or in working out. But I've maybe gone out on 20 first dates, and a couple more. I feel one needs to have sex immediately, otherwise they have no chance of having a real relationship. I messed it up because I was insecure about my excess skin (not that bad) but it made me nervous. Also at times I had an impaired sex drive - and I am now using NOFAP to help that. It does really help. BUt now, I'm correcting the skin issue --, and I'm trying to do nofap (hard with ADHD and Bipolar, but I think its necessary for me to have strong relationships with women). I think ideally I have a few best male friends, and while I won't be as outgoing as some of my social butterfly friends, I can still make people enjoy their time and I enjoy my time, and I go out with girls that interest me. How come everyone I know is on facebook and everywhere, and loves to go out... AND I can't act normal. I wake up at crazy hours, go to bed in the day when I'm really depressed. Everything just messes me up. I went to two universities... graduated late, thought I'd save up for the abdominoplasty, and things would get better. I started losing hair on stimulant medication but still looked nice and well. But I lost more hair on lamotrigine. Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel and its crushing... that the only way I can even have a "semi-normal" life is on medication. ANd its fucking heartbreaking, because no matter what I do I'm going to be alone. I didnt trust people for a long time, and my parents and family were narcissistic, so I self medicated and drank a lot. BUt, I corrected that. Well I quit substance abuse mostly, worked out, ate well, became attractive and fit - that didn't solve my problems. Occasionally I succeeded in what I attempted in school and work... it didn't solve my problems. I feel eccentric and I don't want to be. It's great I can charm others but I used to not give them a chance, or maybe I wasn't giving myself a chance. Are there any Bipolar II/ADHD people that feel alone still? As an obese smart boy I was alone, fledgling in I.B., and in universities (2) , I was alone. Girls ignoring me, to later flirting with me and actually occasionally asking me out (mostly its the guy's job), I'm still alone. I have too many black marks on me now. I can't win.... and I don't get it. I can't go on another 20 or 30 years or 1 year like this. I truly can't. It doesn't make any sense... I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I still can't decide a career. What I want is impractical because I can't have a normal life anyways, but I desperately want one. I'm missing milestone after milestone. I was petitioning classes, my cousin was graduating Harvard. I was wondering wtf was wrong with me, my brother was starting medical residency. Everything I do destroys something else. I have law school as a back up plan. But the market is bad, and my grades aren't that good either. AND I'd hate it except for litigation maybe later. I want to be a person who loves their life, not goes through the motions. Will a mood stabilizer or some combo of meds help me : -get to work on time -be more optimistic about career chances, and love. -allow me to ignore the thousands of missed opportunities dating (due to sex drive, not realizing I was attractive, being SHY/awkward, being speedy, hyper, and being behind in my work and needing to catch up otherwise -- I'd be fired/ fail). -AND BOND with others. I have had many best friends in life, and I move away or they move. people smile at me and come near me and when I don't look pissed off, or are not running around like I'm on a rampage (I move very fast, and walk very fast), they are inviting to me at times. Can someone please tell me if I can get what I want in life or if its too late? I don't want to be a burden on my family, I don't want to be a fuckup anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore either. And I just want to be free. -I know how to make people laugh, but I can't stay friends. I can't open my heart a lot of times. And I lash out and get mad and believe they are like my old friends and misusing me. I meet the prettiest girl and she likes me, but I feel she's trying to fuck me over. I become more confident (fit) and start losing some other good quality. I succeed a bit in school (past) and somehow lose time still. Every decision is last minute - last three places I lived. I just can't take it anymore. I can't be the only person in my family to struggle so much. I really think part of it is the city. I have two artistic friends that are either moving or have moved elsewhere. I have family in New york and everything I'm interested in is closer there.... My family doesn't believe in me half the time, or doesn't know how to show love/ faith in me. I don't want my life to pass me by. Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? Living on my own helped me and got me closer to some goals. Trying new work is next... BUT, what if I'm still this loner that can't solve their problems? I wanted perfection before relationships... but that doesn't make any sense and will never happen. You don't need to be perfect. But every single medication I take fucks me up in some way. Every career I want negates the chances of the other ones. I was so full of life and I loved people as a kid sometimes.... but now fuck... I try to smile. I felt happy on lamotrigine but I felt like dying with some of the side effects. I don't get it why can't I find a solution. I want to see the bipolar specialist again after my surgery at the end of the month. Even my younger cousin will be done Medical school before I can do anything with my career. WTF is wrong with me. I'm thinking of euthanasia these days, and its mostly cuz of side effects -- hair loss, and being doomed to need the hair drugs. AND even if those were not problems.... WTF how am I going to live a normal life now, if I haven't up until now?
  2. Hello everyone. I suppose the idea is to post about why I'm here, so I might as well get started. I had Epilepsy until I was about eleven years old. When that went away they figured out I had ADHD, but it was not deemed severe enough to warrant medication. I had trouble in school. I was sociable enough, but five years of homeschooling had left me almost completely devoid of knowledge of social norms. You can imagine how that went. I learned how to more keep my mouth shut, but school became increasingly difficult. Not because of the material. but I was so afraid of disapproval that school became a place of severe anxiety. Because of my ADHD, I had difficulty telling the passage of time, and so what I thought was a three minute trip to the water fountain or bathroom was in fact fifteen. I would put off assignments that made me nervous until the last minute, but then they were only more difficult to get through. I avoided my peers religiously, because I was so afraid of not being accepted. When I reached high school it got easier. I met more and more people with whom I could share a mutual understanding, as well as teachers who not only understood my shortcomings, but embraced my strengths, and encouraged me in them. By the time I reached my last two years I had begun to conquer my anxiety. Unfortunately, it was then that a recurring problem reared its ugly head once again. Someone please tell me if this is normal or not. I would just be sitting in a classroom, doing a fairly simple assignment or test, but if I was caught off-guard by something, even the smallest thing, it was like my senses went into overdrive. I could hear every single conversation going on in the room at once and my brain was trying to listen in on all of them but I couldn't make out a word. My eyes would try to focus in on everything and even the sensation of my clothes on my arms or legs drove me insane. I could not tune anything out. And when I tried to do things like listen to music, which helped block it all out, teachers wouldn't let me, and the inability to stop it only made it worse. These attacks faded a bit after i graduated, but this past fall I had a whole host of family issues, and my whole world fell out from under me. Now I have more trouble focusing than ever, and I need meds to drive but I cant take even the smallest dose because it aggravates my anxiety and affects my heart in a way it shouldn't, but I have to finish college applications and I just can't even start because of my anxiety and focus issues. I joined this site because even my mom, who by far understands best what is going on, does not realize exactly how crippling this is for me, and I need a place to talk about this because it just keeps getting worse.
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