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Found 11 results

  1. some background. I grew up poor and most of my memories are from the housing crash of 2008. So i grew up eating meager meals in a crappy neighborhood and wearing clothes until they wore out. After the housing crisis and i was in middleschool my parents got divorced and i lived with my mom. We were even more poor, so much so that we couldnt pay utilities sometimes. My dad was so poor that he was homeless for a year and lived with a friend for another year before he got a duplex apartment. Now my mom is married to a rich man with a rich mom and a rich family and im living in a nice middle class house with a middle class zip code. so why do i feel so guilty whenever i get something from my mom or when she buys me things i need? I went school clothes shopping yesterday and i was filled with gut wrenching guilt every time i would look at the prices for my clothes. when my mom said she spent 400 dollars in all for me and my siblings it made me feel even worse. nothing was really expensive by any means but any dollar spent on me makes me feel like im terrible and vain and shouldnt need anything. Even though thats not true. Ive been walking around with one pair of jeans and sneakers with holes in them because im too scared to ask for new ones. it really sucks because my parents are really understanding and great. dose anyone else who grew up poor feel this way? just asking to make sure im not crazy//
  2. My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection. His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior). I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases. But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going. Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt. I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him. I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me. Feedback, love, and support would be great.
  3. My son is 4 months old now. He is overcoming colic, struggles with acid reflux, and is constantly wanting to be held every waking moment. He fights when eating, sleeps well though, and is way ahead in his development. He is quite the handful and while I should be proud of his early accomplishments, I'm too busy feeling distressed over his high demands. Being out and about helps my depression, it eases the sleepiness, and the down feelings. I feel energetic and accomplished as well as more lively. I love outdoor activities, but had to stop at 8 months pregnant (was vigorously still hiking up to this point) and have done none of it since. At 4 months old, I rarely go out, and when I do it is very short trips. After an hour he screams like he is dying. He refuses to eat or sleep. I live 2 hours from the closest friend and family member. 8 hours away from the family I am closest to and haven't seen them in a year. I am going stir crazy/have cabin fever from being confined to home with such short trips. I find an hour long trip such a tease. I've been asking others what the hell should I do to resolve his behavior? I cannot go anywhere without a screaming baby. He does not let up no matter what I try to do. I went to try and visit friends, he cried the entire 8 hours we were there until we got home and then he crashed. I feel like I'm on house arrest! Anyway, I'm being told I'm selfish for taking him out for longer than an hour because it makes him miserable. I feel guilty because rather than being happy with him, I'm so miserable because I cannot go anywhere without ridicule. I keep trying to get ideas, but I cannot afford a babysitter or daycare. We have no family near by so I'm told to suck it up and be on house arrest. Yet, I'm supposed to go see family in a month for the holidays, the family in another state that I am so close to. It's my grandparents. They aren't getting any younger and they stepped in my dad's position when he turned his back to me. So I feel devastated. I'm not mad at anyone over it, but I feel guilty for being upset and still trying to make him get used to getting out more. It is seeming to have the reverse effect. I am constantly miserable because of this.
  4. I was scheduled to go see my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and to see a new therapist today. I just called and canceled both appointments because my anxiety is so bad right now. I am feeling guilty for missing the appointment and trying to get help, knowing that my application for disability requires me to be compliant with treatment. My current list of medications don't seem to be doing anything even though we have increased dosages on my last three visits. I guess I am just feeling stuck in this cycle. My anxiety is now to the point where it is seriously preventing me from leaving the house. I'm having difficulty making appointments and going grocery shopping - the only two activities that I do that would require me to leave. I am afraid of becoming one of those people that is shut in all the time and at the same time, I am afraid of venturing out into the world. When I can get out of bed from my depression, that is. (I'm writing this post in bed right now, in fact.) For those that have been in a similar situation, what did you do? It seems so simple to set appointments and plan to keep them only to then feel excessive feelings of guilt when I'm not able to follow through.
  5. Hey, I've been trying to recover from anorexia for several years now post hospitalisation and day-centre treatment. In the past few months I was discharged from the eating disorder OP service so I don't have any specialist help for the first time in 7 years. I currently have EDNOS/anorexia binge-purge, and am at a supposedly healthy weight but I struggle massively with accepting this as being good, the drive in my head is still strongly anorexic. My mum (who I live with) is unhealthily overweight/obese, and is on weightwatchers (again) - but she's being really obvious about it, all the "logging" exercise and foods, points etc., yet criticising my supposedly obsessive food diaries....and she's started to comment on my eating (proportions of food groups, healthier alternatives). I feel trapped as in the past she has had to sacrifice her own health in order not to trigger me...but now I'm all seemingly better, eating much more flexibly I guess it seems that I'm fine with it. We've had conversations where she has said that it is partly my responsibility that she is unhealthy and is as much physical danger as I am (at the opposite end of the scale when I was at my worst)...so I feel I have to do everything to support her this time round otherwise it would be my fault if she died. So I've helped her join my gym, I congratulate her when she doesn't eat something unhealthy or she goes to a class or eats a healthy meal... When inside it's just making the one voice that is actually inside my head (I have a couple outside of my head - but that's a whole other story!) say that I'm not even doing weightwatchers properly, something I should be good at (given I had severe anorexia for 4 years). Ultimately...I just feel that now I look "healthy" (to me, FAT) and behave more normally around food/don't make all the comments that I'm thinking, there's this expectation from everyone that things are okay and they can say anything. It just encourages my secretive purging which is bad at the moment; and also my guilt for eating in front of people (something I've got better at). Sorry for the essay...I just hate that if I look healthy on the outside it doesn't seem to matter how I feel on the inside. NB. I find it very hard to not fake liveliness and positivity, so it's rare that I'll act how I feel...the voices I experience do not accept showing weakness. Does anyone else have experience of this? How is it best to cope with it? I can't say "can you stop weightwatchers" because I've done that in the past and her ill health has become my fault. L
  6. Alright, maybe this has already been asked (I wouldn't be surprised if it has), but where do you all self-injure/harm? Why there? Is it because of the amount of pain, or is it the ability to hide the marks? I don't know, I'm curious to hear everyone's stories. Please, tell away.
  7. I don't get paid until the end of next week, but I spent my last £12 on carb-tastic snacks from 99p store. I have hidden the food in a 9 litre box and am slowly making my way through it. every time my partner is out or asleep I get the box out and eat until I feel sick. then I lie down and sleep.
  8. So, my self injury. My fiance found out about it not that long ago... he was upset, to say the least, and only now am I able to explain - I feel the need to punish myself. If I make a social mistake (problems interpreting social cues), or if I let someone down, or if I upset him (which is cyclical of course). I feel guilty, and I get recurring thoughts about how horrible and worthless I am, and I can't stop focusing on my mistake until I am punished... Does anyone else feel like this? Like they MUST punish themselves? I've promised him I won't do it anymore and that's helped me a lot so far but it's REALLY hard when I need to punish myself...
  9. I've been lurking on this board for a couple months now and decided to post. Hopefully it'll be therapeutic? I was wondering if anyone else feels guilty for having to resort to cutting? I often feel bad for wanting to cut myself so badly, because I don't feel like I have a good excuse to be a cutter. I don't have a damaged past to blame my problems on, and my life isn't that bad now. I mean I have a good, well respected career, a loving family, an education, good friends and I'm healthy. At times it feels like been very blessed. I have a good life, yet I actively try to destroy it with SI, I relish in the pain and the scars SI brings. I hurt those around me with this addiction, because sometimes I just can't stop myself. So I feel horribly guilty that I can't stop this, and I feel tremendous shame that this is such a "necessary" (it feels that way) thing in my life right now. I want to break free, but I also want to see myself bleed. I don't know how to reconcile those desires. What's worse is the more guilt I feel, the more I feel like I need to punish myself with cuts and burns, which then leads to more guilt. It's a vicious cycle and its destroying my life. How do you all deal with the guilt?
  10. I'm having a really bad time with depression, and in particular I'm feeling guilty about all sorts of things. I'm remembering how I acted toward people and regretting not working hard enough for a previous boss, not treating a coworker with enough respect, turning a whole class against this kid I hated in middle school. I feel guilty that my parents have helped me out with money, I feel guilty I didn't finish school with a degree. I just feel really awful and guilty about all sorts of things, and they're making me think I'm not a good person. I know I've learned a lot, and I wouldn't repeat a lot of the things I feel guilty about, but when I think about them, I see myself through the other person's eyes, and I think I'm not a good person. Does that make sense? It's like I can't allow myself to see past these limited situations into the positive I've done (I don't think about positive at all!) All I can do is ruminate and feel bad. And of course that makes me anxious and worry and all kinds of stuff. I suppose I could make amends with some people, but others I can't. How can I ever find closure? How do I get rid of (or tolerate) these horrible thoughts? Maybe it's OCD? I don't know...
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