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  • Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
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  1. i have hated my dad for as long as i can remember. i hate him for many reasons. he has been verbally abusive towards me for my entire life, in the past he has denied that i have any mental illnesses, but now he does believe in them. however, he thinks i am the reason i have mental illnesses. i feel that i can not speak freely when i am around him. i have begun to have violent thoughts whenever i think about him.
  2. so i have a friend who has for the most part been good to me... i think. we were more like dating but i never called it like that because i didnt like him as much as he liked me. but we slept together and all that stuff for all 4 years in college and we had a long distance sort of thing after that. anyway, i can be pretty unsure of myself and so when i needed a pick me up from hanging out with my badly chosen so called friends, he would be there to tell me they were bitches anyway. the thing was, i feel like i let him to all the work in terms of the insecurities i was feeling. i should have relied more on myself for these kind of things. ever have someone you used too much as a crutch when you were ailing sort of? he's very sure of himself, which has served him well and has even made him successful. as an african american male, this sureness has especially served him well in my opinion. he isnt easily put down, especially not when racial things come up which do pretty often when you are trying to excel in academia. and this confidence even makes him attractive - its what made me drawn to him. but, it has also been my downfall i realize. i never challenged myself to think for myself and to challenge him on some of the concepts he's tried to lecture me on, especially those concerning on who i am as a person. thats what bugs me the most, that he's so quick to label me because of what i believe is his confidence in his ability to do so. and i feel like its put me at a disadvantage now. i didnt look to myself for answers, instead relying on his lecturing to tell me who i am and when im being socially acceptable and appropriate. it really hurts that he didnt foster more confidence in myself and makes me feel like maybe he didnt care for me as much as i had originally thought. so now, i habor a lot of anger and i feel like im growing to hate him im sure my problems dont stem just from this relationship and that its been a long time coming, but im starting to hate what the relationship was. is this normal? is this justified? have you ever experienced this?
  3. Hello. Here's my introduction. I am new here and I've been searching for a place to vent and hopefully find someone similar to me. I don't want sympathy; I want others who understand how to live and progress in life in this condition. But first I'd like the community’s advice as to what exactly is wrong with me. So what am I like? With people, I am usually distant and reserved, unless they are easily dominated. Then I take over the conversation and interaction is easy as pie. I sometimes get in scrapes with authority (not the police though) because of my attitude. I don’t have anyone I’d call a “best friend”, and most of my “friends” are mere acquaintances. There is no one I’d spend time with rather than be alone. I haven’t had someone to my house for “fun” in about 2 years. I put minimal effort in classes, and sometimes go a full class period without saying a word. It’s because, again, I put in minimal effort. Let the others discuss and work. I get by just fine. I’m probably the smartest in my class. What goes on in my mind? I despise people. I often think there’s no purpose to my life, and what I want to be is impossible. I’m not suicidal, but I wouldn’t mind if I died tomorrow or even today. I often think how if my entire family died, I wouldn’t mind. I didn’t grow up in an abusive household, as far as I can remember. I just don’t care about anyone else. I love seeing people in pain. It makes me laugh. Seeing destruction brings such happiness to my heart I sometimes think I’d like to be a terrorist just for the destruction. Seeing a person crying is so satisfying. I don’t cry for others, but I cry when I think about why I live and I don’t have any reason. I cry for the lost whatever others have. But I think they’re foolish for taking themselves so seriously; life isn’t worth it. I’m atheist, and I despise the religious, the moral, the political, the martyrs. But I do have a collection of imaginary friends, I guess, which I call “beings”. They’re kind of a pantheon of gods for my morals. They get me through the day; they help me with my decisions. They’re basically the people I’m looking for on this forum, though I’ll doubt I’ll find any. I have _ beings so far; I create more when it is needed. Though once created, they rarely leave. I also had some anti-beings, some which probably were my lost innocence. Also my beings have colors. I’ll just put them here because I’ve never told anyone about them. The first is a male black cat with blue eyes. Its color is blue. It is the being of Ambition. He was the first, and he is my primary consultant. The second is a woman with blonde hair and red eyes. Her color is red. She is the being of destruction. My fantasies of murdering those close to me often involved her and the black cat. The third is a king. His eyes are a dead yellow, and his color is yellow. He is the being of power. He speaks very curtly and reminds me of my destiny to rule the world or something like that. He speaks very rarely, but is always there. The fourth is a girl with red hair and gray eyes. Her color is orange. She is the being of manipulation. She helps me fool people and be nice and caring and normal. She was originally kind-hearted, but she understands manipulation and is empty-hearted like me now. The fifth is a mirror image of me, a girl with brown hair. But she has green eyes instead, and her color is green. She is the being of hatred. She understands me most, and she is reminds me of how terrible everyone is. She makes me hate them even more than I already did. The sixth is a male white cat with purple eyes. His color is purple. He is the being of perfection. He helps me achieve what few goals I have. With him I can be perfect. I also had a fantasy where I’d lock up I guess my true self, the innocent one who cared and stuff. I tried to kill her but I just couldn’t do it. I can’t live without her alive. So she is just unconscious somewhere in chains and wounded and bloody. I forgot about her. I know one characteristic of sociopaths is their lack of restraint and frequent conflicts with the law. I haven’t ever broken the law, because I try to keep my freedom. This is an irony in my life though because while I’m trying to keep my options as open as possible for the future, I don’t have a future to plan for. This results in a strange feeling of stagnation, and I don’t know what to do about it. So anyway, this has been a long post. I hope my question will be answered, and comments would be appreciated. Thank you.
  4. Am I the only one who gets scared wondering whether their physical symptoms of anxiety and panic are really that or if it's a sign that something is wrong in their body? Example: Tingling of/ pain in extremities or a headache turns into "Oh my God! I'm having a heart attack or a stroke!" I feel like I'm getting bad again from the lack of benzos (long story as to why I can't be on them anymore). It's so frustrating because the sensations are so real and intense but in reality my mind is just overreacting. Please tell me that I am not the only one that has this issue.
  5. My dad is 65, I'm 21... He worked his whole life for me and my siblings... My family is not a functional one, years of psychological abuse ruined our relationships with each other. My sister gave and still is giving my parents hell, she tells them she hates them, doesn't respect them, yet they still give her everything she wants. Money they don't have, love she doesn't reciprocate, support she doesn't acknowledge. She leaves them in agony, ripping at them at their weakest time, My dad wakes up at 3am to stock groceries since losing his job after the internet bubble collapsed, and my mom can't teach anymore cause she had to leave work so many times for my sister that she lost 4 straight teaching jobs and ruined her resume. She still calls them poor, questions why they moved to a town they used to be able to afford and now barely scrape by in. My dad is a very frustrated man, he came from 3rd world Africa in a village you can't even find if you google it, gave up his dreams of changing his home country for the better and his hopes of being a photographer to support a family. One of the smartest men I know, or at least I have heard such. We can't really talk, he's said too many terrible things to me out of frustration and anger, regardless of whether I actually deserved it or not. He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed by me when I couldn't get into Ivy league schools. Asking me, "What will I tell my friends and relatives?" while nearly crying. He would tell me how much he hated his life and family while driving me to high school every morning for years...so I started to walk. He was livid when I told him he was making me depressed, and kicked me out of the car. He asked my psychologist in front of me, "Have you figured out whats wrong with him yet?" Needless to say I was a pretty bad student, distracted by the thought of going home at the end of the day. He's visibly depressed all the time, but when he sees other people he lights up and smiles. He smiles and laughs so much to every stranger he meets that it's uncomfortable cause its so fake. He hasn't fit in well in our town, too many embarrassing stories of the chaos in our house linger on the lips of our neighbors. My sister called the cops on me twice cause I couldn't take it anymore and lashed out. She destroyed my mother, who turned to eating to comfort herself, now she's throwing up almost everyday cause of her disorder. She ruined my father, who could never take his anger out on her so he took it out on me. I was sick of watching her torment and I needed to punish her, even though she called authorities they never arrested me and actually put her in jail once. My father loves me so much, I can tell cause he calls me all the time since I moved out and started to go to the university in the city I live in. I can tell cause he tries to ask me how my day is with the tone he uses in front of strangers. He's withering away and he knows it, and he knows he'll never hear me sing through my saxophone again. He knows I'll never laugh from the other room, wishing he was the cause. He can't walk by my door to check if I'm breathing, just to make sure I haven't killed myself. He worries so much about me, I know he loves me but I don't know if I can forgive him. He knows he hurt me, and he knows I'm not coming back. I wish I could talk to him, I wanna hear about Africa which he deeply misses, I wanna talk to him about my problems, I want show him my music but I can't bring myself to do it. Anytime we talk it's always frustration that comes out, he calls me asking about my day and then quickly becomes irritated about some issue in my life. I can't tell if he can't control himself or if he is really just releasing his frustration on me, so I stopped picking up my phone. He always leaves a message...and they always start with "Oh hi (my name)..." "Are you coming home for dinner tonight? I'll buy you scallops if you do come..." "I'm going to our uncles house and your little cousins want to see you..." "I'm just calling to see how you are doing we haven't seen you in a while..." And they always end with... "...Please call me back..." or "Please...call me back.." But I try not to, and when I do I make it brief; almost business like to avoid any possible conflict. My one word answers are not totally from resentment, but from love. I don't want to give him the chance to hurt me by saying too much, I do it so I can heal myself from the agony he put me through, but he always slips up just when I start thinking I'm able to forgive him. It's so emotionally draining just to write this, I never told anyone about what he says to me. Maybe he's why I can't trust people, or why I can't focus in school, why I fantasize about suicide, why I stay in my room as my roommates laugh and holler, why I drink so much, why I smoke so much, why I play too many video games, why I cry when I'm alone thinking about how my family could have been different. Call it what you will but I'm not stuck in the past, this continues to this day, my sister get's everything from them still, my mother is killing herself slowly in front of my eyes, and my father is more stressed and ashamed than ever. I left when I was 20 and the year away from the chaos opened my eyes, I realized who I was, that everything wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am, that there is nothing wrong with me. I get compliments quite often, whether it's my music, my high payings jobs (40$ per. Hr.), my school that I transferred into, my sense of humor, whatever... But I still don't believe them or myself, I question everything good that I do, every laugh I inspire, every mind I vibe with. I don't even realize when I'm doing something right, it just never feels good enough. It's discouraging cause I'm so distant from reality, I'm afraid of meaningful relationships, I'm afraid of truly being myself. My emotions contradict my logic and vice versa and I'm left being paralyzed and don't know where to turn. Even If I already know the answer to my problems I don't acknowledge them as valid points, nothing that flows through my head seems right... ***I'm aware that people have much bigger problems than me and by no means is my life the worst. I'm not looking for pity I just want some advice and I'm sorry I wrote this in such a weird way but I was very emotional at the time and needed to get it out***
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