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Showing results for tags 'hopeless'.
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I've had enough. Enough of playing fair. Enough of being the responsible one even though I'm not. I'm tired of trying. And this isn't about suicide. It's about not wanting to keep going. My wife and I are both PTSD and depressed. I add anxiety to the mix. We have two beautiful adopted children who are great kids, great grades, good people. I would never do anything to hurt them or hold them back so I will keep going on. I am capable beyond most people. I can't be as good as I could because I can't. But I've had enough of bad people in our lives shitting on us. I am struggling where to even begin. We had a great counselor for several years and then her husband was relocated. She works hard to find us someone she thought was right for us. But we didn't go because my wife wasn't ready for the change. Our P-doc flaked on us but she had more problems than we do I think. I defeat myself over and over. I am the go to guy. For my wife, for my kids, for my Mom who is 94 and had a stroke and now a broken hip. She lives with my brother a long way away. But I took care of her for years and she goes from not knowing me to doing guilt trips with my head. I am going to get a new counselor real soon whether my wife will go or not. She wouldn't go the first time until I went without her. We are so broke. Her Mom died who had quite a bit or money. We took care of her for 15 years. Then my wife's sister jumped in at the last minute and turn the mom against us. She now controls the estate and has has arranged everything so she get most of everything. The lawyers say there is nothing we can do. Her Mom owes us $90,000.00 which we sill never see. I've had enough. I may come back and read responses. I think I just really had to "say" it so I can go forward. Thanks for any replies. Maybe I'll come back.
I think this is a rather appropriate introductory post to this forum. I'm 20 years old, female. I've struggled with anxiety since childhood (elementary school, when I was ostracized for being a 'bookworm' -- even the fucking adults gave me shit for it). Later I seemed to more or less have a handle on it, I could actively push it aside and pull myself beyond it, in a sense. But now it looks as though I'm totally done for. I can be realistic; it would be entirely unrealistic to believe there is any hope for me. Throughout my whole life, so far I've never had any fucking fun. I have no friends. I never was in a normal social setting for long enough to develop any social skills. When I switched schools and started making friends my overprotective fanatical mother found an empty drug baggie in my purse once, and from then on was dedicated to The Program Life For Me: wilderness, twice (second time because I had a stalker), rehab, boarding school.. I had no control whatsoever over my own life, and that's still a constant source of anxiety for me. I can't stand my mom. Maybe she means well, I understand she's done a lot for me, but she hasn't done any good, and as a person she just thrives on drama and I get enough bullshit. She's always looking for trouble, so she can swoop in and take control. She used to keep records on me. Insane records. I mean she would take note of insignificant things I'd say and FILE THEM. She had some spyware shit on my computer, I'd find my chats printed out in her office. I was never that bad at all. I didn't deserve any of that crazy shit. Anybody who knew me was shocked and confused as to why I would have to be fucking kidnapped in the middle of the night all the time and treated like a goddamn threat to society. That's how I lost what friends I had; after a while they tired of wondering where I'd disappeared to, and they also feared my mom, because she doesn't understand her fucking place. I don't read anymore, haven't in years, ever since a sudden onset of what I now understand to be DPD at 14. In fact, NOW, I'm at a point where I can't even leave my apartment. I'm moving out like this weekend though, and nothing's packed. Going back to my mom's because I dropped out of college, and the financial aid helped pay for my rent... so I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can't stand that I'm going back to live there. I can't stand anything. Everybody takes fucking advantage of me, I'm so fucking sick... I literally haven't done anything pretty much my whole life, definitely nothing in months, no celebrations in years, nobody to celebrate with; and the last time I tried to go out and do something like somebody normal I got gangraped. I don't know what I can do to come out of this. Being at my mom's is not conducive to any type of psychological healing. I get nothing done. I'm always too preoccupied with just wanting to goddamn die. Drugs don't help at all. I try, sometimes, but they just have no effect, or make me feel sick. Nothing fucking helps. I think because the anxiety is so strong.. I guess.. nothing can permeate it... because the anxiety is very physical, you know. I don't know. I've endured so much fucking shame and degradation and no one gives half a shit about me anyway... I tried to work with it and make due for some time, like to get back my money's worth of unwanted sex that I've had to pay for.. but that just made me feel disgusting still, and I guess for not fighting the feeling hard enough that contributed to the anxiety beating me way down to here. All I do is like smoke mad cigarettes and try to stave off panic and anxiety, never successfully enough to do fucking anything at all. I've avoided all of the simplest most basic tasks. I pretty much only leave to go buy cigarettes at the store downstairs. I used to be real determined, believe it or not, like driven and productive... I just can't stand being alive anymore. When I get to my mom's I'll be stranded and unmotivated and having to answer to my ignorant mom who somehow does not realize her huge role in ruining my life, nor how utterly pathetic and disgusting my life has become. She would to go great lengths to try and help me, and I have no one else to go to but I absolutely cannot go to her. I came across this type of therapy treatment online, called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitation and Reprocessing), which actually seems to make a good amount of sense, but I don't think there are any facilities offering that treatment out by my mom's. I need to start over, again, but actually detaching myself completely from her and the rest of my bullshit past.. she's the type to guilt trip though and I'm the type to fucking empathize like an idiot with every asshole who fucks me over and over. But now I don't even have the strength to try, I'm too exhausted and discouraged. And it's not even that I'm the bitch (I don't think), I'm usually like "the man in the relationship", or the situation, because crazy irrational dramatic people tend to love to give ME particular special attention and dump bullshit on me. It really is ridiculous. My luck is so consistently incredibly unfortunate. I'm so fried. I'm so fucking depressed. My life is literally such a shithole. I'm a fucking shithole. It's weird because I don't have to be this way.. it's just pomp-ass circumstance. I have money saved up, but it's just wasteful and stupid to spend it all just to live how I do now, until it runs out. Have any of you been in this situation and found an effective medication or something? Is there anything that can relieve the anxiety? I don't know how to relax either. I don't know how to interact with people. If anyone has experienced this and found medication that allowed them to ignore it and function somehow anyway, I would love to know about that. Thank you.