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I was diagnosed bipolar about 7 years ago around the same time as my first suicide attempt. Long story short - I rejected the diagnosis and eventually went off all meds because I thought my issues stemmed from the stress of nursing school. School over - no meds needed. About 3 years later, started seeing a new psychiatrist and taking antidepressants. I actually felt like I had my life back... Then, at some point recently, my son died. I had an affair. My husband and I had another child. And then affair was discovered by my husband. The intense guilt and depression led me to try to kill myself, and I recently endured my first psychiatric hospitalization. Wellbutrin and buspar were once my miracle cocktail. I'm still on those, plus lamictal, plus latuda. Latuda is not helping me. It may have cleared my suicidal thinking, but over all... I feel lost, stuck, hopeless, and let down. I've reached out to my psychiatrist for help so many times, and I'm screwed over by the incompetent office staff each time. Can someone just tell me it gets better? Do I even deserve better after what I've done? I'm paranoid and delusional. My intrusive thoughts seem worse each day. I want to believe it gets better. Ive dropped down to working part time and I'm seriously considering quitting. It used to be that I only felt competent at being a mother. But now I don't even feel I can do that right. I'm a mess. Is there any hope? If a med didn't work for you, did you find a med that did help? I want to feel like myself again... I feel so let down that latuda isn't helping me. Thanks for listening...

Ok, I am just curious, I am a 45 year old Mom, have been married for 20 years, have occasionally suffered from depression and anxiety in my life but not consistently. Also ADD, and take Adderall regularly. I had been on anti depressants for short spurts and occasionally anxiety meds as needed. I have never been suicidal or anything and never had a manic episode up until 40. At 40 I was on an Pristiq for about 9 months and decided to go off it cold turkey. I ended up having a manic episode within days and was forcibly hospitalized. The Dr's told me I was bipolar, gave me Depakote and Abilify and sent me home after a while. After being out of the hospital for a year I went off the Depakote and Abilify. I was still feeling a little depression so I started taking Lexapro about a year later I stopped, cold turkey again (brilliant, I know ;-) and had another manic episode and ended up back in the hospital. Doctor's again told me I was bipolar, didn't care that I had stopped anti depressants cold turkey, just handed me a rx for Depakote and Abilify and when I got home I stopped both. Just felt like I didn't belong on them and that they didn't help me. They made me feel crappy and I just didn't have a lot of faith in the Dr's honestly. I know I should go and explain the situation to another Dr. and get an opinion but I just have a lot of anxiety, and feel like most of them don't listen and pre judge. I am just wondering if anyone else has had a situation like this? I STILL don't believe I am bipolar and have not had another episode in 3 years. I stopped the Abilify and Depakote 3 years ago, so I am only on Adderall, which supposedly, from what I've read does cause Mania if you are bipolar and only on a stimulant) I still occasionally struggle with depression occasionally but am terrified to take an anti depressant. I guess I am just trying to see if anyone can relate.... Has anyone else been diagnosed with Bipolar (later in life) from mania, only after stopping an anti depressant? If so, are you still on anti depressants or mood stabilizers? Do you believe your diagnosis, have you been to other Dr's that agree or disagree with it? My husband keeps telling me to move on and realize it probably will never happen again, and was most likely from anti depressant withdrawal, but I feel like I need to know for sure, Is that even possible?? Thanks so much for reading, and for any responses.

I'm here again because I am free for the umpteenth time from captivity in a psych ward. And my mind won't stop going. Sure, the wizard doctor switched around my meds a bit, but nothing more or less than what I had previously been on. I was saddened that my psychiatrist, who works in the hospital, chose not to attend to me even though I was screaming at everyone who would listen that he was the only one I could talk to and the only one who could save me. The main precipitating factor of my spiral was my relapse on alcohol and subsequent overdose on a bottle of tylenol, bottle of lithium, and bottle of Wellbutrin. I had been off many of my meds for about a month, as well. One intubation, being restrained by security guards in the ICU, and multiple shots of Haldol later, and I was bouncing back and forth between two delusional realities of which both were complete nightmares. I understood, finally, why my friend who had schizophrenia shot himself. I was trapped in a hallucination that only vaguely resembled reality but mostly I knew the only way to make the nightmare of hallucinations stop was for that final release of death. Anyway, I'm getting into heavy morbidity and should probably start trying to make a point. I've never experienced delirium and hallucinations like this before. To the point where I had to be physically restrained because I knew receiving a shot would throw me into that alternate reality which was terrifying. To the point where I was intubated because I was aspirating on my vomit. The point where I didn't know what was real and what wasn't real, such as when I vomited on the hospital floor and "saw" pieces of plastic come out of the vomit and was convinced the doctors had implanted these plastic devices inside of me. Or how I knew that I had swallowed a razor blade, that I had murdered someone, that I was being tortured and being played mind games with.... And now I have to keep trying, once again, to live. Normally, functionally, with the expectation that I should be strong enough to overcome my mental illness (they say bipolar disorder). And I keep wondering, why? what is the meaning of life? why am I afflicted with these confusions that wreak havoc on my perception of reality? As well as I believe I may be doing, I admit I periodically stop taking my medications because I despise the side effects and even more so despise the idea that I may actually need them. I admit that I medicate with alcohol sometimes.... and I spiral and do self destructive things. I'm a cutter - usually without getting stitches, however, the most stitches I've had in one sitting for self-harm was 38. I've had bulimia for the past six years. I seek acceptance through sex because it's how I grew up learning how to be loved and validated, erstwhile hating it regardless. The positives: I have a job where I help others, I'm in school with a major geared towards serving my community and individuals, and my family is giving me a home to live in while I go through a divorce (with an abusive individual). In a way I'm using this post as a soap box, which perhaps it's better served as one of those journal entries that I need to acquaint myself with. That established, I'd like to turn this post towards those who have experienced psychosis/living within unreality, hospitalization, and the aftermath of acclimating to "normality". 1. What were the precipitating factors? 2. What happened that put you in the hospital (who/where/how/when, etc) 3. What was your hospital experience like? 4. What were your hallucinations/delusions/other psychiatric symptoms? 5. How did you get out of the hospital? 6. What are obstacles you've encountered acclimating to life on the outside? 7. Learning experiences from the whole ordeal? I haven't given up yet, however I've confused, afraid, directionless, needy, and desperate. Also hopeful, despite it all.

I'm heading to the Mayo Clinic in January for bipolar treatment. Has anyone ever been? If so, were you hospitalized? Did you like/dislike it? What should I expect?

It is becoming clear that my depression and lack of insight is very serious. However, I can often function normally. Still, I feel that it may be necessary for me to go to some sort of mental health facility, both for my own health and to protect my partner, who has a very serious autoimmune disorder. We are both unable to adequately care for each other and our interactions have become very unhealthy. I presume that my first step is to see a psychiatrist and get evaluated. My understanding is that a real mental health hospitalization is only for very serious circumstances where the patient is a threat to them self of others. While my presence is likely a burden for my partner, I do not think I am a threat in general. Are there any sorts of facilities or places where one can go that are not full hospitals, but still provide mental health support? I'm located in central florida, but I am able to travel a bit if required.

I am thinking that i should go into inpatient care...I'm in the midst of a mixed episode and it keeps getting worse. How long were you in the hospital before you were stabilized on meds and released? Thanx for reading and hopefully answering.