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I left about two months ago, and I know that she is sitting there with all of them. Her friends, her co-students, mocking me, Not just her, but all of them, she's done it before - I know it. Humanity is a disgusting thing, still looking for something new. Can't find. All of them, all of the staff of various hospitals, they gave up. But this new one, is fasicinated. I know they've been experimenting with my medication and my own psyche, I know that they're all planning something. Human beings always have these ulterior motives, self gratification, hatred, pettiness. At work one keeps praising me, when I'm gone one speaks one little flaw of mine. It's petty, I hate the praise - just let me do the work, that's why I do what I do without hesitation - so they can leave me alone. I know I'm not all there, but how do I know that I am who I actually am, ever feel that way? The longer I'm away from humanity the more and more my mind continues to go rotten. They all are out to kill me, when the time comes they would do anything just to rid me. They want me to kill myself, I just know they want me to. But I am not going to give them the satisfaction, I am going to create something better than Humanity. I just need the right tools, I just want to be left alone, why does she have to keep mocking me.

I'm not sure this is a good idea...I signed up yesterday. I am going to be seeking medical treatment. But, after spending and hour typing up an introductory post, I decided that I'm fine. I don't need help. A friends father had a stroke today. A little background. A little background. I'm staying with a friend and his folks until I can get back on my feet. He takes care of his folks, who have a great number of issues. I guess you would call this guy my best friend, though we are not close. I owe his family much. I woke up to the sound of a large engine in the driveway. I assumed it was a UPS van, until I heard multiple voices. I look out the window and see an ambulance. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I didn't sleep well that night, and was tired.... my first thoughts at seeing an ambulance are of how it annoyed me... My friend comes into the small rental in which I am staying in and tells me his father might have had a stroke. He is visibly distressed. My first impulse is to taunt him. I quell that. His eyes are red. He is emotional. I should say something. “Don't be worried. Okay, you should be a little worried.” he tries to jest, deflecting pain with humor. That's his shield. I don't blame him, he's weak. I should be supportive. I should be a friend. I feel nothing for him. “Damn. That sucks.” This should suffice. What am I saying? His father could be on his deathbed. They whisk is father to the hospital. A few hours pass, he is staying back awaiting a phone call. I know I should feel something for him. I don't. I know I should say something. I can't. I make a sad excuse of a human. I was wandering around online, just wasting time. '13 Shocking Photos', in which depicted 13 (or what ever the number was) “strange or shocking photos”. A guy jumping to his death, the last photo of a man before his girlfriend slew him, a photo of a teenage girl and ten year old boy bound and gagged on a bed. The caption told that the photo was of children that went missing years ago. They are presumed dead. I scroll down to look at the comments section. People described seeing some of these photos and feeling ill, or disturbed, or sick to their stomach. I scroll back up. I look the teenage girl in the eyes. Shes scared, but defiant. My mind flashes images of brutality. I feel nothing. I'm sick. I am beginning to see that now. I need help. What scares me most... is I can't honestly say there wasn't a small part of me that didn't want to be the one committing such horrible acts against this young girl. Its not that fact that I don't feel for these people. Its the fact that I know I should feel something. This has been on my mind all day. I needed to write it out. -AB0