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Found 11 results

  1. OK, Ive been depressed, very and dissociating as well as going into a rage and this is the worst ever, it even scares myself, its like I became a demon on my wife, no physical violence but Im very worried about it happening again. Therapist says I need inpatient, Pdocs own NP thinks I need inpatient, but Pdoc thinks nothing of it nahhh I don't need that. I don't want it, it sucks but Im really concerned with that rage as a well as a depression that has me showering once a month, barely getting out of bed and when I do Im a manic monster. I guess the question is, why would he not want me too, when everyone else does and rare as it is, Im wiling, I was willing to go straight from his office. He says call him first, see you in two months.
  2. I don't understand ANY of this and i'm fed up. I haven't left home in months, the clinician who has been occasionally coming to my home has said she doesn't believe in hospitalization for anything other than emergencies and can't personally do anything to get me into hospital anyway. I am feeling completely hopeless. I have a long history with the local hospital(only hospital in our city) and i've been repeatedly denied admission. I'm only 18 and i've been dealing with this joke of a mental health system for over 3 years. Along with anxiety and major depressive disorder, I was also diagnosed with BPD "traits" by an emergency department physician I saw for 10 minutes when I was 15, which was the start of this all. Looking back at my old posts really show how long i've been going through this. I have anxiety and depression almost 24/7. Every day is a struggle to just get by and normal activities stress me out so much. Due to myself being unable to leave home because of anxiety, i've not been seeing doctors or real therapists(besides the clinician that has come to my home). Nothing has been accomplished. The most recent meeting was to try and get me into the psychiatric unit, but obviously that didn't work out. The emergency department is obviously always an option, but I am 90% certain I will be sent home instead of kept inpatient. To them, it doesn't matter how suicidal I am(even if I have a plan). Last time I went was in March and was sent home(Which I made a post about as well). I don't know what their deal is. Apparently its not uncommon in Canada, but how is this legal? What DOES it take to get in? I seriously need intensive help. I can't focus on outpatient therapy while i'm this unstable. This is one of my old posts made more than 2 years ago. I really appreciate all the responses and suggestions and i've tried almost all of them. It seems like i'm just a hopeless case at this point, especially since nobody will help me. Its just hard to believe sometimes. A lot has changed since then, including the fact that I no longer even have a psychiatrist.
  3. Probs not the right place to post this but w/e. I'm getting the distinct impression no one knows how to help me. Including me. I'm considering going inpatient. I have chronic issues and see no end to them, but I have to change something so I can at least function. My dr told me to try to get on disability. Wanna try this first. Still holding it hope I can get a job at some point soon (unlikely). has anyone been impatient at camh? Or another ward in Toronto?
  4. i have been here on CB since 2009 and this is my first time posting in seven years. anyone from chat who knows my background knows why. after a hellatious summer things have crashed again. (for those who haven't been watching me go bonkers in chat). three of the docs agree it's time for ECT and my system needs a break from the meds,some of which go back over 20 years... the cocktail has grown to six meds when i was on four before and last IP was to go down. got the appt on the books to see the psychiatrist (p-doc) and he was very supportive of the idea. the insurance approved it. so all of the hard paperwork pieces are done. since i have been suicidal he wants me IP. my poor tummy has shut down, had the pleasure of gastroenterology. the tummy top and bottom are healthy physically. but i'm battling dehydration still. the social worker has been trying several times a day to get me into the nearest psychiatric facility that is 90 miles away. vermont has an online database of open psychiatric space she can look at and what she can see are also saturated. for those who don't know, i live in the middle of nowhere in vermont just south of the quebec border in northern new england. she has been calling them early in the morning and through out the day every day. the next facility is 140 miles away. mass general in boston is 225 miles away. the social worker at p-docs office has been seeing me daily since this has been identified. so we talked about finding a different way in, i.e.the back door as we would call it in the military. so i call the triage nurse in the ER and they have several people stacked up camping out for IP space, they sent six down to boston this week. they said there has been some bad heroin going around which has saturated treatment facilities since september in northern new england. i can appreciate that as one of my homies from the old days recently overdosed - fatally. morale has been in the toilet, but after speaking to the hospital, it is now somewhere in the septic tank. so i'm kind of lost now. i'm posting this here as i imagine people in chat are tired of hearing this over and over and over. i waited too long to seek IP in the spring, but now i'm trying to act now but cannot find help.
  5. I'm heading to the Mayo Clinic in January for bipolar treatment. Has anyone ever been? If so, were you hospitalized? Did you like/dislike it? What should I expect?
  6. I am sorry this is so long. I know this is probably blog-land territory, but I also wanted some feedback on this issue. I know different fonts and sizes can be off-putting, but I wanted to differentiate between what I wrote yesterday and how I am currently feeling today (wrote a post but changed mind, saved as word document instead). I am also curious if anyone else has experienced PMDD to this extent, what has helped (beyond the traditional treatments-- SSRIs, BC pills, diet and exercise regulation, etc... which I've tried and which I do currently except the BC pills-- and even some less conventional treatments-- mood stabilizers, antipsychotics). I am also wondering if anyone has ever required hospitalization due to PMDD or even if they require regular repeated hospitalization during PMDD times. Has anyone done ECT for the PMDD mood-symptoms? This is a "snapshot" of a typical day in the life of my PMDD, at its worst (like the 3 days before my period, though I am progressively symptomatic in about the 10 days before my period). This is what I wrote yesterday: (assume trigger warnings everywhere... I cannot get the emoticons to come up) "I have had some recent life changes and triggers, and my PTSD symptoms are now through the roof. I am also having a lot of paranoid thoughts about my boyfriend not being interested in me anymore and people just hating me in general. I feel disgusting and ashamed. I am shaking and have accidentally knocked my beverage over 3x today at work due to my jittery-ness. I am having constant intrusive thoughts of self-harm, then dissociating a lot, and then engaging in some self-harm quite impulsively (in an attempt to "snap out of it" though I feel like some part of me thinks I deserve it). I am having thoughts/images of attempting suicide, but I don't actually want to die. It is a couple days before my period. I have PMDD, and the ONLY times in which I feel depressed to this caliber (or suicidal at all) is right before my period (i.e. the 10 days before my period, escalating into quasi-suicidality and self-harm in the couple days before my period. The onset of my period generally brings instant relief and complete cessation of my depression. Not to be too gross, but I can often tell I've gotten my period before even "checking myself in the bathroom," just based on how relieved I feel, my drastic improvement in mood, and the physical and psychological tension leaving my body. PTSD symptoms make my PMDD worse, and being premenstrual makes my PTSD worse. I don't believe I have depression separately from PMDD and from what's triggered by PTSD. I have a therapist, and I am on a slew of meds as noted in my signature. I have been on a slew of other meds and various combinations. Medications are minimally helpful to me anyway, it seems. I have tried BC pills, various SSRIs at various doses, various AAPs, and various ACs/mood stabilizers. I have not found anything that helps at all with the the PMDD (in fact, the Lamictal seems to make it worse). And I have only had minimal med response with regard to PTSD. I self-harmed at work today, rather impulsively (hit/punched self in face and head repeatedly, burned self with hot coffee on purpose). That is the only way in which I self-harm-- not planned but rather as a knee-jerk response to a trigger. I also really want to OD on on the PRN Vistaril I have in my purse. I am also having urges/images (have NEVER acted on this whatsoever) of hurting others in a non-lethal way when my symptoms are agitated by interpersonal interaction-- like wanting to throw things at people, hit people, dump hot beverages on people-- pretty much the stuff I do to myself but directed at others). I have had to be fairly up front about my issues at work... due to symptoms (like this) occurring at work in the past. (I work as a therapist in an addiction treatment facility so my boss is at least somewhat understanding of MI stuff). I told my supervisor about it (well, the self-harm shortly after it happened-- the pill impulses didn't come until a couple hours later). I was fairly certain he'd tell me to go to the ER but instead focused on ways I can be functional in other ways at work today (aside from seeing clients). I think that's because it looks bad (on him AND me) with how much time I've been out due to symptoms in the past and because I really don't have any more accrued time off to take. If I even step foot into an ER with my present symptoms, I believe they would admit me. However, the cycle of my past hospitalizations (3 in total) goes like this... I present in the couple days before my period with symptoms like above, they admit me, and then I get my period while IP and feel instantly better. However, the staff doesn't necessarily believe that I could be instantly better and think that I am pretending to be better so I can leave and kill myself or something. Then, after a couple days in, I actually get worse PTSD-wise (due other patients' behavior triggering me, due to the hospital reminding me of being trapped at work because its similar to the work I do, due to being invalidated/not believed by staff, due to confinement in and of itself.) And I don't know if I am ACTUALLY suicidal or if I just fear becoming suicidal. It's kind of hard to explain, and sometimes when I am like this, I can't tell the difference. It's like I am paranoid of becoming suicidal (though I haven't attempted suicide since age 15, which is half of my life span). I really wish I could just quarantine myself until I get my period so that I am not exposed to additional stressors (like just about any stress whatsoever, like having to file something in a chart that I can't find, or even mis-perceived stress-- like me reading into a slight grimace on someone's face and assuming they hate me and I'm the most annoying human being on the planet. Also, this quarantine would help so that I don't risk damaging my interpersonal relationships due to my behavior or risk losing my job further. (Of course, I feel like my job is at risk due to my absences, but I feel it's less at risk than me losing control and accidentally self-harming in front of a client, like I have actually done in front of a co-worker and in front of a supervisor, on two separate occasions.) During this time, I would take my PRNs and distract myself with mindless activity (TV, internet, chores as I can handle it, gentle yoga as I can handle it). But what I really wish is that I could take something or do something to induce my period at will, so that the unmanageable/out-of-control aspect would go away and it would no longer severe interfere with my functioning." OK, so I wrote all of that yesterday. I went home from work at about 11:30 and cancelled my 3pm tdoc appointment for yesterday. I know that was really stupid considering my level of distress, but my level of distress was so high that I was having difficulty verbalizing it while in the midst of it without it escalating my distress to point of becoming unsafe., This was just our 3rd session, and I didn't want her to mis-read my symptoms or take action based on something that is transient and temporary (like admit me to IP when the symptoms are going to go away soon...and honestly my motivations in avoiding IP are also largely financial). (Plus, I presented in that state at a previous therapists' office, and that therapist was completely invalidating, saying I was using my PMDD symptoms as an "excuse" to not work on my PTSD that day. I stormed out rather than do something violent to myself or throw something. I also presented like that early in my relationship with pdoc and she was also somewhat un-empathetic, stating, "Is this the way the rest of our interactions are gonna go?" to which I said, "No, but it's possible we may have more interactions like this if I happen to see you the day before my period.") So, is being hospitalized and/or quarantining myself in the couple days before my period really a sustainable option? I do not have the funds for that (no sick time at work to be missing work, high hospital deductible, living paycheck to paycheck as I just moved out of my abusive parents' household). But I don't know what the lesser of the evils are, and I have yet to find treatment that works. I don't feel that way today as I did yesterday (I am still in a crappy mood but not hurting myself), but I also called out today because I feared having symptoms at work (we have a state audit today, and the last thing anyone needs is for me to self-harm or act out in front of the state mental health department). I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow and HOPEFULLY I will get my period before then so I can have a rational discussion with her. In any event, I am printing this out and showing her (and will show to tdoc next week at our session). It just really sucks to truly not be in control of my behavior/thoughts/moods for a few days and feel like an alien creature has hijacked my body. Thanks for reading.
  7. I have a small but strong group of girlfriends who are as supportive as they can be about my MI. They try to understand, though they don't REALLY understand. I am thankful for them, don't get me wrong... I have, however, met some great friends through hospital, and they really do understand me. I wondered if anyone else has had this experience? Over the three IP visits I had in 2013, (3 days, 4 weeks, 6 weeks) I collected 6 friends, a mix of male and female, that I see or speak to regularly. They are a mix of MIs, including bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, BPD, OCD and PTSD. We used to meet at a cafe regularly (until recently, as I've moved) and just spend time together, as they also did not have jobs to go to during the day, like my other friends did. They really enrich my life. We talk about MI and coping some of the time, but we also talk about other stuff - just normal life. We shared some stressful experiences in the hospital, and those really bonded us. It is nice sometimes to talk about those days and joke about the useless nurses we had or the weird quirky pdocs. Kind of takes the sting out of those memories. The friends I've made IP also made it so much more bearable while I was there. Has anyone else met some great friends with MI whilst in the hospital?
  8. I just got released from inpatient yesterday. However my pdoc and pnurse did not inform me of what I was in for when I stated I would be admitted for a "meds wash". My pdoc was concerned I was on too many meds and said being at the hospital would help take me off of them rapidly. Instead of a hospital rooms with IV drips...I had my belongings taken from me and put on a locked ward. My pdoc started taking me off most of my meds, many cold turkey. However I was never offered help for withdrawals. After three days, I told my pdoc that I don't belong here. He said oh, well we could have done this outpatient but thought it would be better here. Really? I was not in crisis, not suicidal and didn't need to be kept safe. I had to drive 90 min to this hospital on my own. I guess I am more confused than anything. I am not daft, I know what a psych ward is, but this is not what I was expecting. Plus my pdoc spoke to my husband and they decided that I was not bipolar, did not have OCD, and instead had MDD, conversion disorder, anxiety and a traits of Dependant Personality Disorder. I guess I am just mad I had to miss work, put my clearance on the line (I work for the federal government), put my job on the line, leave my home only to be told this could have been done at home and your not bipolar because your "hypomanic episodes" are happening too late in life, so you can't be bipolar. Any opinions? Did I do the right thing leaving? Did my pdoc pull a fast one?
  9. I am thinking that i should go into inpatient care...I'm in the midst of a mixed episode and it keeps getting worse. How long were you in the hospital before you were stabilized on meds and released? Thanx for reading and hopefully answering.
  10. I just wasn't able to cope with life anymore. I think this is the right course of action. I'm here for three months. It's really difficult, but I'm determined to make it through. Does anyone have any tips that can make life in hospital a bit more bearable? Please wish me luck. I'm going to need it!
  11. hey everybody, Ill try to make this short but I dont know if that will happen so I am finally seriously considering going to inpatient treatment... but I keep weighing the pros and cons and my doubts just overwhelm me. I dont have any 'plans' for suicide but I just really want to die. I dont want to be here anymore and I either cant sleep or sleep too much. I got 1 hour of sleep one night, then 7 the next, then 12, then 9, then 6. etc. I dont know the exact order because I cant remember anything at all. I just feel so sick and overwhelmed. I am so depressed. my room is an absolutely disaster. I havent done the laundry in 2 weeks or so so im digging through things to find t-shirts that I would wear years and years ago that I would normally not even want to be seen in outside the house (overlarge,strange colors, or just really worn in). I am a freshman in college and it is my first semester yay! BUT I am already failing 3 out of 4 of my classes I think. not entirely sure since my teachers dont exactly give progress reports like in high school. I could turn things around if I could only focus and have the motivation to do my homework. and SLEEP and do normal things. I have trouble even taking a shower everyday and when I finally do I end up taking at least 40 minutes. basically, I would love to kill myself but I dont want to hurt people that care about me. thats a good reason but the fact that it is the ONLY reason is not good. I mean I feel like I dont have a future and am doing everything I can just to be normal. I am actually really really good at acting normal in social situations. its pretty crazy. I have always smiled like crazy and I tend to somehow be able to laugh at things and joke but as soon as im alone I am so miserable. and now that I have been thinking about suicide this past week I feel a kind of releif. I find I am acting really happy around people even though I am trying to resist the idea of suicide. my family thinks im really fine other than telling me to clean my room. I even saw my therapist (that I see once a month) on friday and we chatted about unimportant topics and I told her how I was excited about things but that was all past tense. I just made it seem like it was present. I have so much trouble talking in therapy but I really need to. I am debating leaving a voicemail for her but when I grabbed the card it says the phone number for making apointments then the extension then the fax number. do I call the number for making apointments then dial the extension. I cant think. I cant even figure this simple thing out. plus its 2:15 in the morning... so... pros: can potentially feel okay/stable, might be able to turn my life around, ummmm...? idk. all I can think of are the cons. cons: will miss class (although im already failing) and have no idea how to restart my life, my family will worry so much. (they dont realize at all how bad I am), they might think its for attention, it might not work out, I dont know anything about how my health insurance will interact with it so its potentially expensive, I dont know if it goes on your record of any kind, my friends will wonder where I am but I dont know how to tell them or what to say, and over and over again all I can think of is school and my family.... also!!!: I was looking into a place somewhat near where I live (not saying where haha) and here is a link: http://sandiego.aurorabehavioral.com/psychiatric/adolescents.php and I was looking at it and it seems like a really good idea. I have no idea how long I would be there though. what do I bring? PS.... adolescent= teenager right. so 19 is acceptable? even though its an 'adult' age. ha sorry I just cant process anything now.
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