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Showing results for tags 'intimacy'.
Hello all. I would like some more personalised advice on what I should do. I have previously consulted a psychologist, which wasn't that much of a sucess. In very short: I met a guy whom I trust completely, as the only one. We've shared our stories and are both quite broken. I care extremely much about him, and I want to try a relationship with him (he has already said he's interested). But I'm scared. I started getting seriously stressed out, last time I was in a relationship. Last time, I had an anxiety attack and my immune system fell so much I was almost consistently sick. I don't feel anything when kissing, and when I'm about to have sex, my body starts stressing out, I get very scared and most of all want to curl myself up in a corner. We have a fantastic friendship going on at the moment. I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice? Background story (which I try to keep short): I grew up with a very ill mother (sclerosis, a slow breakdown of the nervous system), and has thus lived with a constant flow of nurses in my house. My mum told me that her goal was to survive until I was confirmated (age 13). She suceeded. My mental health had at this point already started degrading. Around the age of 12, I started getting a ton of self-esteem issues. This escalated over the years, especially after my group of "friends" decided to totally isolate me around the age of 13. Then, I wasn't worthy of their company, I wasn't worthy of feeling good, I wasn't worthy of my mothers love. I had no energy whatsoever, cried on a regular basis, felt either depressed or nothing at all, started cutting and started having suicide thoughts. While this was going on, I kept up a camouflage. My parents couldn't know. They had enough to worry about. If I could be perfect, my mum would be happier. At the age of 16, I started high-school. My depression disappeared temporarily, and I felt absolutely wonderful for a couple of months. Then it all came back. With my new friends, I would laugh, dance and be full of life. On the inside, I sometimes felt nothing at all - sometimes like I was going to break into pieces. And sometimes, my body would start stressing out by shaking, when I was together with many people. My chest would (and did the previous years, too) feel like it was being crushed. I started to get ticks. At home, I started cutting. Ran desperately away from my home on several occasions to get away from all the nurses and all the stress, ultimately to collapse in the nature somewhere. When the suicide thoughts wouldn't leave my mind, I finally gave up my camouflage and told my parents how I felt. My dad didn't believe me, while my mum cared so much she told our doctor. Talked with my doctor, was diagnosed with emotional stress. I started seeing a psychologist. After 8 months, I DID feel much better. The depression had disappeared and the symtoms of the emotional stress had lessened greatly. I can't, however, feel as much anymore. I don't really feel sorrow. I can't miss a person anymore. I don't care about most of my friends. I can't feel anything in the situations, where my body stresses out, unless the anxiety follows. I don't feel anything when kissing someone. My mum died when I was 18. I was over it 1-2 days later. 1½ years after my menstrual cyclus/hormonal balance started to stabilize for the first time. I started university and initiated my first relationship. I had some feelings for the guy the first week. The next few months he, in my head, was my tool to get experience romantically. As said previously, I had an anxiety attack a couple of hours after our first date. My body became so stressed out in these months, my immune system deteriorated. He fingered me two times, where I was shaking a lot, felt scared and wanted to curl myself up in the corner or flee. I forced myself to give him a blowjob because I was so tired of my own reactions, that I figured I had to force myself through it, to get over it. I've been let down on several occasions over the years, both by my "friends", my teacher and my parents. It's extremely difficult for me to trust people. And now I have this mentally intimate friendship with this great guy, who makes me feel much safer and relaxed than anyone ever has. He can relate to a lot of the problems I have, and has his own little collection. As said in the beginning: I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice?
Wow. Where do I begin? This all started...maybe in high school, about seven years ago. All of a sudden (or maybe not so suddenly) when I liked guys and they showed the slightest interest in return, I would get extremely uncomfortable and cut off contact, or act coolly toward them. I remember a time when I was best friends with a guy, sharing a locker with him, and a friend told me he was thinking about asking me to a dance. Immediately I cleared my stuff out of the locker and told him my parents said we couldn't talk to one another anymore. I was scared and anxious of having any contact with him. And so on and so forth with other guys, to more or less varying degrees. And then, surprise! During my second year of college I somehow overcame this anxiety (sort of) and chased after this somewhat aloof guy. We dated for two years, lived together -- it was comfortable. I still did not enjoy sex. I would get weird about it, feel vulnerable, and toward the end we were barely having it at all. Now that I'm single, I am once again on guard. Sure, I get interested, have crushes, but when he becomes receptive, it's repulsive, icky, and anxiety-inducing. That's it -- sex feels dirty. A guy being interested in me means he is a predator with impure intentions. It's not about me, it's about my body. And that's gross. Having had years to over-analyze this, I've figured a couple things out: I'm not interested in women and I don't believe I was ever sexually abused (unless I've somehow completely blocked out this memory, which is unlikely). I grew up in a sort of religious household -- sort of. The church never talked about sex however. My biological parents passed away when I was ten years old (could explain the intimacy issues -- but what does it have to do with sex?) and I went to live with relatives, who are completely normal. When I was eighteen, I was diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression when I finally got the courage to seek help. I'm now on meds: Lamictal, Effexor, and Ritalin (for fatigue). We all know that decreases sex drive, but that isn't the issue here. The intense anxiety is. I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid of sex. And I'm afraid of intimacy. Please, I need some advice! (My therapist was zero help.) tl;dr -- Oh boy, you're just gonna have to read it.