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  1. Hi everyone, So I've had the worst time since Wednesday, my depression spiraled out of control which lead to self harm and suicidal thoughts. In this state of mind I took it out on my dog who I love the most in this life. She really means the world to me, but I did get violent (that was Friday morning) by Friday night I was feeling like the worst thing on this earth. I cried so much, felt so much remorse and even selfharmed in order to pay for the damage I had done. Went to bed feeling better. This morning I woke up feeling like crap again so lost and helpless which I can try to deal with but now I have very graphic intrusive thoughts about harming my dog. I'm so terrified since I can be very violent, I am not a bad person. I love all animals especially my dog who I adopted with so much illusion. Now I'm devastated and so scared. I don't know how to get through this, about three years ago I had really bad intrusive thoughts about death, but never about harming one of the beings I love most in my life. I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog. Anyone has been through this before? I have appt with my doctor by EOY, but in the meantime I want to find some peace of mind and of course not hurt my dog. I'm sorry for this awful post, I'm so sad, I love animals, do lots of activism and charity for them, I'm even vegan how did I end up in this situation with someone I consider my baby girl. I have 2 other dogs, but only my favorite one is triggering me to do bad things. Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.
  2. Hi everyone. I’ve been dealing with unbearable symptoms for over 4 years. Insomnia, racing thoughts (OCD), derealization, irritability, brain fog and depression. I have tried so many medications, but none help. My insomnia and anxiety are through the roof and I have 24/7 derealization. Years ago, 2007, when I was struggling with depression, my psych talked about starting an MAOI, but we instead we added geodon to Zoloft and it worked (for awhile) Long story short, I developed sudden onset ruminating thoughts (in form of OCD), insomnia and Anxiety in 2009. After many trials of meds (I’m adverse and paradoxical to most) I finally was put on remeron which got me sleeping again and in turn helped my other symptoms. From 2010-October 2014 I did relatively well, that is until remeron stopped working and all my symptoms came back. Since I have been inpatient several times trying every sleeping med , bipolar med, SSRI etc with no relief. Mom wondering if an MAOI could help me? Can MAOI’s treat anxiety? Racy brain? I’ve read they can make insomnia worse, which I don’t need. Symptoms: severe insomnia, lucid dreams/nightmares, 24/7 derealization, severe anxiety and panic, major depression, brain fog, dizziness, migraines. I believe, like in 2009-2010, many of my symptoms are from sleep deprivation. I am very desperate to get control over my anxiety and sleep. I’m at the end of my rope. Could an MAOI help me as a last ditch effort to get some kind of quality of life back? Current meds: weaning off Zoloft, weaning off remeron, geodon 20 mg X2, Ativan 5 mg per day (please don’t jump down my throat about this, it will give me a panic attack. I know it’s a high dose and I need to taper this too), prazosin 2 mg. TIA
  3. I used this site over a decade ago during my first bad episode of OCD and found it really helpful at the time. My OCD was pretty under control for five years and then I had a baby this past June. Postpartum OCD was on my radar due to my history and also because I had four major life stresses/traumas in the two years leading up to the birth of my baby. The first two months with my baby were pretty good - some mild intrusive thoughts but I was able to cope with them. I was so happy, thinking I'd escaped PPD or PPOCD! Then a majorly overwhelming occurrence happened. And suddenly I was catastrophizing about it and things spiraled from there. Over the past few weeks, I started having intrusive thoughts and images about doing bad things. Like many OCD'rs my first course of action was to use logic and I thought 'I've never done anything like that so why would I now?' Of course, that didn't work. I started questioning whether I had done something like that in the past but just didn't remember. Things then got worse. I had an image of me doing something and thought 'was that a memory?' Then I started wondering 'did I question if that was a memory or did I just know it was a memory?' I tried doing some exposure and saying "Okay I did that" and "I know I did that" to myself (not cuz I thought I did it but because I knew I shouldn't fight it). It kinda helped. Then yesterday I had a disturbing image (I'm not even entirely sure what the image was, I just know it upset me) and I immediately thought 'I do remember that' and then started getting really anxious and wondering 'why did I think that? Is that really a memory or is it OCD?' Now I'm wondering if that was a memory and I'm in denial and using OCD as an excuse. At my core, I think this is my OCD but I'm not sure. I'm so scared. Why would I even think 'I do remember that,' if it wasn't actually a memory? But I also know it seems like an OCD thought, especially since I started obsessing a few days ago about whether I had thought "I know I did that" so it makes sense my OCD would then change from "what if" to "that happened." But maybe I'm wrong. My OCD has been really bad in the past. I once was scared of becoming psychotic and told myself I wasn't hallucinating so I couldn't be psychotic. Then I started feeling what felt like raindrops on me when I was inside and was concerned that meant I was experiencing psychosis. (I wasn't!). This was eleven years ago and I only give it as an example of how bad things can get. I'm scared to even write this. I'm so scared someone will think I actually did something bad. Then I'm scared I did do something bad because why else would I have thought 'I remember that.' But I also really don't think it was actually a memory. I don't really believe I did this thing I'm scared of having done. I don't think I have the stomach to actually do it and I don't know why I would do it. I have so many conflicting thoughts, it just doesn't make sense. Does this seem in the realm of OCD? Does anyone else's OCD take on this form? I'm so terrified and I feel so alone right now. I want to be a good mom to my baby but I'm so anxious. I just want to be the happy mom I was for two months and enjoy my baby again. Right now, I just feel "crazy."
  4. Hello! This is my first post here and I'm really hoping to get some responses... I'm new to the forum but it seems pretty active and you guys seem very helpful. I have OCD and for the past two months, I've been experiencing very distressing, violent intrusive thoughts, probably resulting from a medication withdrawal. I'd been on Lexapro for 5 years and was just going into my third month off the meds when the thoughts hit me full-force one night in late November. I'm back on the Lexapro and my doctor also prescribed Risperidone, but it hasn't been helping as much as I'd like. I've read up on Seroquel and saw that a few people here have been helped by the medication. I was just wondering if anyone has been prescribed Seroquel specifically for intrusive thoughts, (and even if it was prescribed primarily for something else), did it help lessen or eliminate the intrusive thoughts? And if so, on what dose? Thanks so much in advance, I'm looking forward to getting some help from you guys and trying to stay optimistic
  5. Hi guys, I have just joined the forum and I was needing some advice. I suffer from severe OCD and intrusive thoughts. After having a major episode this year over the birth of my nephew, (should have been an exciting time, not OCD fuelled) I was having intrusive thoughts about my newborn nephew. I suffered major POCD and in the midst of this I was having thoughts about my ex boyfriends child. This guy has been a major source of pain in my life. Anyway, cut a long story short, I still have images of his daughter every time I have an episode. Question? Can OCD thoughts be obsessions about anything? Like why the fuck would I have thoughts about the child? It is really disturbing and upsetting. Currently on 300mg of Luvox, does jack shit for me as I have been on these meds since I was 24, I am now 42. Can anyone please shed some light? In addition to these thoughts, images of the child are also strange unnatural, sexual acts regarding her. It started off with my nephew and when I had a thought about her, thats when my world turned upside down. Now, it doesnt seem to go away during times of stress.
  6. Hi, this is my first post on in the OCD group. I was diagnosed with OCD about 7 years ago but have been untreated for about 5 of those. I was feeling better and didn't feel like I needed help anymore. Lately, I've been obsessed with the idea that I don't have OCD, but have something else like schizophrenia or some kind of psychotic disorder. It has been pointed out to me that some of my symptoms do actually seem like Pure O OCD and I was just perceiving them as something else because I've had no compulsions outwardly. I always knew about pure O, but for some reason my mind obsessed about the fact that it could be something else which I realize is kind of part of the disorder . Basically, now I feel really stupid and think people are judging me for having these thoughts. It's like this never-ending cycle or questioning myself and self-hatred that I can't stop thinking about because I have OCD! I've been taking Zoloft 75 mg and Risperidone .75 mg per day for these problems. My doctor is going to increase the Zoloft but wanted to wait because I also have ADD and we're starting Adderall so she didn't want to add that and increase the medication at the same time. I have a few questions for other people that have been through this: 1. Does anyone have experience with Zoloft working to control their obsessions? I feel like they aren't going away and I know it takes time and I can increase dosages, but I'm just wondering if anyone has had success with it when finding the correct dose? 2. Has anyone else been prescribed a low dose antipsychotic for their OCD? I have paranoia because of my OCD and we were trying to stop those thoughts. I felt like it was working, but then realized I just became obsessed with other things. So what if I'm taking this medication and don't really need it? Anyone have success with antipsychotics? 3. Can anyone tell me Clomipramine works better for OCD than Zoloft? I just saw that it is almost exclusively used to treat OCD and didn't know if it was something I should ask my doctor about. Thanks for listening. I'm just feeling rather hopeless today. I don't want to get out of bed because something embarrassing happened last night and I obviously can't stop thinking about it. Another question: does anyone else have great difficulty being embarrassed? I feel like all I do is dwell on it for way too long. I am trying to stop. I just have no idea how. I feel like such a loser right now.
  7. First time poster, long time reader. I've gotten so much advice from this site so I'm hoping someone can help me try to figure out what's going on with me or at least lend some advice. I was first diagnosed with MDD at 19 years old during an 3 week inpatient stay after a severe, paralyzing depression, with anxiety, from a traumatic car accident. I'm now 40 years old and have suffered 4 moderate recurrent episodes, including this current one that slammed me out of blue about 6 weeks ago. I should also mention there is family history of bipolar, addictions and unipolar depression, so I'm well versed in symptomology, treatment and therapy. Anyway, this current episode of depression is VERY different than any other episode I have suffered thru. I have no problem with motivation, concentration or energy and my mood is decent most days. I get up every morning at 6am (although I'm usually awake at 4a or 5a) with no problem and shower, get dressed, take care of my 2 dogs, drop my teenager off at school and then to work for an 8 hour day. Weekends are a little lazier and although I'm usually awake by 430a-5a, I don't get out of bed until 830a-9a. Here's the dilemma...besides some days here and there that I feel hopeless, the biggest problem in this episode is insomnia and suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts. Just this morning, while laying in bed before I got up, I was thinking what my suicide plan would be and then had a disturbing image of my wrists being wrapped in gauze. Then I started thinking about who would miss me, what would my obit say, how many people would be at my funeral and what would my note say. I have NEVER had these thoughts in this intensity or this many in any other previous episode, at least to this extent. But as disturbing as this was this morning, I still got out of bed, showered, took care of the dogs and came to work like it was just a normal day. And the thoughts went away, for now.Needless to say, I find this very disturbing and nerve racking, because I don't and can't understand why I feel like my normal self during the day and then the dark thoughts are rampant in the morning when I wake and sometimes before I sleep. About 4 weeks ago, my podc started me on Prozac, thinking it would be best for the ruminative, intrusive thoughts. However, about 12 days on 10mg, it was clear I was having a paradoxical reaction as the depression, intrusive thoughts and crying spells got worse and my mood was Ultra low. So, the pdoc changed to Viibryd and Seroquel and Gabapentin. I've now been on Viibryd for 24 days total (7 days at 10mg, 7 days at 20mg and 40mg for 10 days). Seroquel 200mg at bed with 600mg Gabapentin and 50mg Vistaril to help with insomnia. I also take 25mg-50mg of Seroquel at 9a, 1p and 5p as an adjunct to the Viibryd. So, what gives? How can I feel completely normal, like I'm almost back to 100% me but then be plagued by suicidal and intrusive thoughts at the same time?!? Is it simply a matter of that being the last symptom that will abate with the meds or do I need to ask pdoc to change meds again? I really hate to do that bc the Viibryd has worked so well for the anxiety, motivation and energy and mood. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Any advice, suggestions or feedback would be much so much appreciated!
  8. Hi! Today is my 28th day on sertraline. I have titrated up to 100 mg. I know these meds can take up to 6 weeks to work. Luvox worked for me with 5 weeks on 150 mg and I think I have been on 200mg as well. It pooped out so my second ssri was Lexapro, which kicked in faster at 3 weeks ( at 10 mg). After 6 years this one pooped out as well. Last May, when the poop out happened, my general doctor was pushing new therapy and didn't switch me to another ssri, which I did not really like. He did increase Lexapro to 15 mg but after 4 weeks things were still the same and started the therapy and mindfulness classes. Meanwhile I slowly weaned off from the Lexapro, since I saw no use staying on it. I tried some alternative things like NAC, combined it with magnesium, vitamines, omega 3 and ginko biloba...but nothing really worked. So after 4,5 months of being 100% medication free I asked my general doc for a consultation with a pdoc. The pdoc advised sertraline 100 mg or maybe a little more. A last ssri trial. I am extremely concerned that it won't kickin this week. I just can't imagine it doing anything. I know it is a bit too early to write it off and go on something else but I'd like to hear some opinions. The pdoc who does the consultations suggested (during the first and only appointment) a switch to clomipramine/Anafranil or augment with Seroquel (PRN dose, though I still don't know how this will help with stuck, unwanted repetitive thoughts) but only if Zoloft doesn't work for me. My general doc will follow this advice but I from everything I gathered there are so much more options...for example Prozac or adding Abilify or even nortriptyline. That pdoc said that more appointments with him arent possible. Which means I have to find another one...which can take weeks :-( One last thing: the side effects I am having are almost unnoticable. Some RLS in the early morning, slight stomach irritation (1 of 2 times a week) and vivid dreaming. I had more anxiety the first two weeks and that's it... I think I could go higher in dose without much trouble. But could a higher dose do the trick or do I supposed to feel something already? Sigh...I just want to get out of this situation...
  9. Hi guys, This is my first time asking the internet for advice so apologies if I screw anything up and for the novel-length post. I’m not at immediate risk - things are getting rocky again but I have already made appointments to see a doctor and therapist. I would appreciate any feedback, comments, similar experiences, or being pointed towards useful resources. In terms of background, I think things went a little off for me around 13. My sleep has been shoddy since. When I was 14 for a year I barely left my room, didn't go to school (not a country where it mattered), would occasionally run away, punched walls and experimented with various forms of self-harm, would spend most of my time in bed staring at the ceiling, often very badly wanted to end it but couldn't inflict that disaster on my parents who then bore the brunt of my anger when I decided that they were to blame for standing in my way. So I thought often about killing them too because that's logical. In retrospect a pretty classic case of angsty teenage depression. At one point my sleep was very disturbed for almost a week. I went downstairs to get a yoghurt and insects started crawling all over me and I saw lots of blood. I very vividly remember that I used my fingers to push through my eardrums into my head and then pushed out my eyeballs from behind. I was terrified but internalised it and was probably in denial that it had happened or that it was me who saw that (if that makes sense). I’ve never watched horror films, have never witnessed a car accident, or in fact had anything traumatic happen to me at all. Who knows. I eventually got over the worst of it and aside from occasional periods of depression and self-harm nothing much happened until about 2013 when things went south a little bit. I felt like I was moving through slush and that people were talking to me underwater. It took a little bit of time, probably around two weeks, for me to get myself to a doctor (I’m stubborn and I thought I might be getting sick again and I was scared I would end up like a close relative whose mental illness has turned her into a zombie). I was immediately diagnosed with depression and prescribed ssris that I took at best sporadically, since I had a deep-down belief that relying on them would mean I was weak (more logic). From there on things degenerated somewhat. I began to hear the radio, or someone slamming the door and moving around, but I would head on over to switch the radio off or say hello to my roommate and the radio would already be off and no-one had come home. Then I began to have episodes where I would again feel my hands were pushing through my ears to pop out my eyeballs, and I would dig holes in my chest til I could see my exposed ribs and snap them, and mushy bits would ooze everywhere and there would be a lot of blood and a lot of pain. Seeing this would often trigger a panic attack. I sometimes had panic attacks without images but never images that didn’t trigger absolute panic, since they were fairly terrifying things to witness. Once I had to be physically restrained because I was trying to scratch something out of my arm with my fingernails and by the time someone noticed I had scratched a deep enough wound to leave a pretty gross scar that won’t go away no matter how much bloody bio oil I massage into it. During another episode my boyfriend at the time had come up for a cup of tea or something and I apparently told him things were coming and that he had to take a knife and kill me before things happened. Sometimes I had to self-harm quickly because I could feel things coming and if I could see and feel my hands doing something like that then it was easier to believe that they weren’t doing something else, if that makes any sense. I was hospitalised twice in crisis situations but the psychiatric wards were mindnumbing and I was scared that being surrounded by people with serious issues would somehow trigger or emphasise mine so I always got out as soon as I could. I was variously diagnosed with severe anxiety with intrusive thoughts, depression, bpd, psychosis, or preschizophrenic symptoms. At the time I didn’t read anything on the internet or in books as I thought I might be influenced by what I read so I let the doctors do their thing, but at a later date I started reading around and although I identify strongly with descriptions of depression and anxiety (then again I already knew that) and partially with some descriptions of psychosis, I think the diagnoses of schizophrenia or bpd were patently bollocks which has shaken my trust in doctors a little. I was prescribed with anti-depressants, benzodiazepines, and anti-psychotics but even aside from my inherent stubbornness against medication I was in no fit state to stick to a treatment plan so took them erratically, I wouldn’t take them and them someone would notice and force me to take them for a while and then I would stop again etc. At some point I moved home and got a very manual job which left me physically exhausted and with no free time so I was in a comforting cycle of work sleep work sleep etc. I was screened again for psychosis but the symptoms had begun to subside and I found that recounting the experience was very distressing so didn’t take any form of treatment further - I was just grateful that it seemed to have stopped and that the whole thing was over. Things have been alright for a long time now but I’m having some wobbles and in any case I can’t keep working to the point of exhaustion just to keep from spiralling. I want to be able to have free time and enjoy it without immediately sinking into a cycle where I feel happy and energetic and then flip flop into comatose and then when I get energy again I can’t enjoy it because I have to catch up on everything I didn’t do when I was comatose. I want to be able to do things that are intellectually demanding without grinding to a halt and have happy, fun relationships and most of all I want to seek treatment and finally fess up to what happened and do everything I can so that it doesn't happen again because it's terrifying and it's kind of bollocks that the fear I have of these images is enough to trigger a panic attack because honestly the way these things feed off each other is fairly toxic. I know I’ve got depression and anxiety and panic attacks and I’ve read many accounts I identify with and that have helped me consider these things difficult but approachable and certainly not the end of the world. It’s the episodes I’d appreciate talking through. I’ve read accounts of intrusive images in relation to OCD and anxiety and I think it must be that, but these accounts haven’t quite rung true in the same way that accounts of depression have with me. I suppose they’re not psychosis or delusions because it’s pretty obvious after that they didn’t happen (or I’d have spent a lot of 2013/14 just splopping my eyeballs back into their sockets like some deranged bungee jumper). Also they just sort of went away after a while but these recent wobbles have me paranoid that they’ll come back. Please help me pinpoint what happened so I can try and fix it. And if you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read.
  10. I saw someone post something like this here when I was googling this, but the person did have diagnosed disorders. From what I know, I don't have any diagnosed mental illnesses. But I do have intrusive thoughts. I've had them since I was young; most likely high school. I have intrusive thoughts about many things, whether they involved sexual thoughts about people higher above me (they weren't even attractive to me), thoughts about hurting my dear kittens which I would never want to do, thoughts of insulting people I love to see their reactions, other horrible thoughts that I'd rather not say... They always did bother me, and I was always terrified that I would act on these urges. I always thought of myself as a terrible person and a monster for thinking stuff like this, and I never knew this was an actual ailment until recently. Thing is, like I said, I'm not diagnosed with depression, or anxiety, or OCD or anything really. Then again, I was only really tested for anything once, and that was for ADHD when I was like five (which, turns out I didnt have it). But other than that, I haven't gone to a therapist or a doctor like that ever. So I have no idea where this problem is stemming from. I'm afraid of telling my mom because... well, I don't really know. She just seems very certain that there's nothing wrong with me and it's just something I have to live with because "everyone has these thoughts sometimes." Which I get, but... I've had these kinds of thoughts for five years now, and because of them I just feel super uncomfortable when I'm with my manager (because, of course, those certain horrible thoughts moved from one of my teachers to my current manager at work. yaaaaay) and it's just... horrible. I guess what I'm trying to ask here is; does everything I explained here seem like your average intrusive thoughts that everyone has? Can intrusive thoughts as severe as they come be without a diagnosis of anxiety or depression or OCD? I don't really know what else, I guess I just really needed to talk about this..
  11. Could you describe what intrusive OCD thoughts feel like? How you experience them? I believe that what I experience are OCD intrusive thoughts but I'm not sure and would like to hear more about what other people experience For me, I feel like in some way I initiate them like I could think something like 'why am I alive' and they'll jump in 'yeah just kill yourself do it' but I can't turn it off and I didn't ask for it and it's my own voice but last semester it got so bad I was thinking of characters for these 'thoughts' but I mean I have a very active imagination so idk xD like it's mainly when I'm trying to sleep or study What are your experiences? (even if it's nothing like this)
  12. So as the title suggests, I have some issues. Depression caused by ruminations and constant irrational thoughts and "mental movies" regarding the past. The list of triggers that start off the ruminations is growing. These are almost always in relation to my wife's past with other guys. I know this is irrational, I know this has nothing to do with me. I know all the common responses. I also know that I need to do something ASAP as it's tearing me and my relationship apart. I'm seeing a therapist and have been on Lexapro, Prozac, and Wellburtin with almost no positive response. In working on these issues with the therapist, but unlike other "intrusive thoughts" something like exposure therapy won't work. My my question is this: my doctor is running out of ideas for medication and is close to giving up on prescribing me anything. I hate being on meds, but am willing to keep trying if there is something effective out there. Anyone have any advice on this? Thanks.
  13. is Side Effects the home for this topic? Mods will do the right thing. After four months of increasing hell on Luvox, which i had so very much hoped would help with my intrusive thoughts, counting, checking, and anxiety, my OCD and depression symptoms got so much worse that I -was planning suicide. had written up a plan to take my cat to the humane society, had notes for the landlord, my lawyer, my family, my friends. -skipped doctor appointments without calling to cancel. because it didn't matter. because i am killing myself. -stopped communicating with friends and family and CB -locked myself in my apartment for 6 weeks. during that time i barred the door when my landlord tried to enter my apt for repairs. i did not leave to shop for food for 6 weeks. after my fresh food ran out, i lived on rice and beans. i would have gone out for my cat, if i had had to, but i had just gotten a bulk shipment of his food in. i was convinced i needed to die. i had horrible intrusive thoughts, as bad or worse than any when unmedicated. became more obsessed with counting. basically the opposite of what Luvox is supposed to be good for. i slept 16 to 20 hours a day. my dreams, strangely enough, were tolerable. an indescribable improvement over real life. never have i hated waking up more. and i hate waking up, unless i'm hypomanic. then, as happens when you lock yourself up for that long, and do not have prescription delivery, i ran out of luvox. inadvisable abrupt taper from 200mg to 100 to nothing in a week's time. still taking all my other meds. just not the luvox. after the headaches and nausea from my bad taper eased off, i felt so much better. not good, of course. but not actively suicidal. not feeling like i COULD NOT leave my apartment. i could go get the mail. i could talk to people a little. that was seriously the shittiest my life has been since my last hospitalization. my life is shit, but that was like shit, cubed. so, kindred crazies, i want to know. have you have taken SSRIs (or MRIs) only to have them worsen the exact symptoms they were supposed to help? have you been on other SSRI/MRI meds that helped your symptoms? how common is this kind of side effect? believe me, after this, i am TERRIFIED of trying any other SSRIs. assuming i'm not on the bad patient blacklist and can still see a doctor. :/
  14. Not sure if this is the right thread but it seemed the best one for this post. For a long time I've been experiencing intrusive thoughts in the form of quite graphic images of self harm, I'm not going into more detail due to being triggering but needless to say it can get pretty upsetting. I feel like its different from actual urges, its not a desire to do it, its literally just intrusive images. Yes sometimes they are triggered by an upsetting event but some of the time they just occur randomly. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Where the urge to do it isn't really there but the images are? If so, do you do anything that helps?
  15. I don't want to get committed but I cannot stop myself thinking it will happen one day or the other like it's inevitable. I believe something bad will happen. I won't be able to go on and thus give up on everything. Alright, bear with me. I end up thinking a tons of ways it would happen and then become so paranoid it will actually happen I don't go out of my apartment anymore. I get scared. For example, I'm scared about finding a job because I feel I won't be able to deal with all the pressure and end up cycling and do stupid things that will get me locked up. It's been a year and a half since I left my job because I thought I was better than all my bosses and could run the company by myself (hypomania/mania?!). I thought they were conspiring against me because they knew I was better and feared losing their job. The same reasoning applies at university (e.g., better than my teachers; I should teach the class and lead the department (mania) / or I can't take it anymore, drop school, take drugs/binge drink, do bad things, and get locked up (depression). When this obsession becomes uncontrollable I feel I should just be locked up to knock it off. Since I'm on lamictal, these obsessive thoughts or obsession lessened. However, they are still present even nowadays when I actually go out and meet friends. It's in the back of my mind and comes back right away when I get close to an episode. It feels like a similar pattern when I have SI too. I don't know what to make of it. I thought posting this in the OCD section because it feels like intrusive thoughts but not quite. I meet my pdoc in two weeks and will bring it up with him. I just want to know if others have similar experiences and what you think of it. Is this bipolar acting? I was diagnosed with type II if it means anything. Thank you~
  16. Three months before Christmas last year, one of my dogs acquired what is referred to a 'doggie aids.' The actual disease is a tick borne illness. He lost over 40 pounds in three months and died a horrible death on Christmas Day. During my dog's protracted illness, I was triggered and had frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and images come to me about my father's abuse. One of the symptoms of the tick borne illness was bleeding. This triggered me the most with disturbing images of my father using knives. I cringed whenever the images bombarded me. After my dog's death, I slipped into a suicidal depression and slowly went down hill. I was not even aware of how bad off I was until I decided it was necessary to see a pdoc. It was the first time in my life to see one. It took three months to see the pdoc during which time I thought I would go off the deep end. My dog's death and how he died reminded me of the abuse and deaths my father forced me to watch. It struck a chord deep within me about the intense emotions I carried inside me. I kept repeating to myself, 'this will be my undoing.' I understood what that meant. I would start to grieve everything which happened to me. Though... I feel stuck in the muck and mire of depression and I hate it. I hate that feeling of not being able to move past this. My therapist asked me to write down my feelings. I thought I had none. Tons emerged. Mostly rage and sadness. I misunderstood his assignment. He wanted me to write down how I felt when a memory emerged. So the next week I tried that and found I could not shut off the memory. Once the door opened up I was forever reliving bits and pieces of the memories and not being able to shut the door again. The feelings kept coming; terrified, overwhelmed, anxious. Those feelings left me depressed again. My assignment this week is to write a grief letter about my mother. Now there's a huge ball of crap to write about. After she died over three years ago, I started to remember more abuse my father perpetrated on me. She was a narcissist and had OCPD. She was anal to the max about many things in her life and therefore my life. My mother had to control everything around her and everyone around, especially me. I was her scapegoat. I don't have to do any of these assignments. However, they would help me heal from my childhood abuse and that is my goal in therapy. I am the one who set that goal, to express my emotions, to deal with the helplessness I feel. It is almost Sunday and I have not even sat down in front of my journal software to write a thing. Half of my week gone and I rotate on it avoiding that assignment. And I am a prolific writer and I journal daily but not since this assignment. Yesterday, I expressed some of the things I learned from my mother with my two granddaughters. This rings a familiar bell though: the ability to express good things about the people who raised me and the inability to express the bad things about those people. I can tell anyone all the horrible things my mother and father did to me BUT... then I am stuck. I cannot express the horrible feelings I have for those people who violated me in so many ways. I am stuck in the depression I hate so much. The only way out is through those yucky feelings.
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