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Found 6 results

  1. It's the week before Thanksgiving and not one person has invited me to their home or to get together to celebrate Thanksgiving. I go thru this every year and suddenly Thanksgiving is 4 days away. I usually prepare my own special dinner to ward off feelings of isolation during this holiday, this year, I was too depressed to even think ahead. Now it's 4 days away, no one has invited me and I didn't buy any food to prepare. I have to have food delivered because I am disabled and cannot drive. It's too late to order thru my grocery delivery as I'm sure the store is out of most of the things I usually get to make. So, now depression is inking in big time and my thinking is that since no one invited me, I must not be regarded as a close enough friend to be considered to sit at their table for Thanksgiving and causing me to rethink who is on my friend list. I feel soo abandoned and very sad.
  2. I am not going to say very much bc I can't seem to formulate words right now. I am experiencing one of the worst symptoms of depression for me:feeling utterly detached from everyone. Also:comparing my life to everyone else's and believing that my life is empty. Fuck depression.
  3. Hello everyone. I haven't been here for awhile. I am feeling pretty bad so i am reaching out. I would appreciate any comforting words of wisdom. It'sthe same old thing :strong anxiety, think everyone hates me, feeling completely alone and abandoned, pervasive negative thoughts, certain that I will always feel this way, kind of want to die(I am not at risk for suicide). ANXIETY! I am trying to get connected with the part of me who has some perspective but so far that part does not seem available. I just really fucking hate this!
  4. hammock

    the hunt

    I've been playing with markers lately. Prismacolors. It's a new medium for me, and I'm using it right on top of colored pencil and watercolor here. I've been pretty isolated lately, only really going out into the woods. I sometimes feel very primal, very early, very distant from farmland and cities, and it's a good feeling. I think this guy just came from that feeling.

    © resonanteye.net

  5. hammock

    travis bickle

    I watched [i]Taxi Driver [/i]recently and was kind of stunned at how much I identified with the character's longing for a "real life", for the sort of flat affect...when I lived in the city I felt like that, like the world was an egg I ought to crack open. I had some similar delusions about "saving" people from their vices. I lived in a really shitty neighborhood for a long time. I often got angry at the way people treated each other on the streets there.

    © resonanteye.net

  6. Executive summary: I can only do social things in which I have a lot of control and/or expertise, like retail interactions. Every now and then I have a day without fear and need help thinking of baby steps to do on those days. Couple caveats: First post here; apologies in advance if I'm out of line; I don't have an official Social Phobia Dx, but a lot of things I've read on this board have resonated with me and I'd imagine I could get a diagnosis if I asked for it, lol. Relevant background: I'm 33, male, have struggled with depression "officially" since I was about 20 and unofficially since I was about 10. I currently have a diagnosis of Bipolar II, ADHD, GAD, and PTSD (maybe some other stuff). A few years ago circumstances conspired that forced me to move back from a nice, bustling, East Coast city where I'd lived for a few years (and in which I walked almost everywhere I needed to go), back to my parents' house in Suburbia, USA. It was supposed to be a brief stopover before I moved on to wherever was next. I never moved on. I put on about 30 pounds in the first three months and have put on another fifty in the intervening several years. I'm 5'8" and, though I once had a decent tennis-player's build, now weigh 225. Such is the amount of indolence that has crept into my life. Where I currently live, nothing is walkable. The closest store of any kind is a gas station and it's about a mile and a half walk. Everyone drives everywhere. --- OK, to the specifics... I can handle some "retail encounters" well. I'm fine going to the grocery store and interacting with the various specialists one-on-one. I can even, when I'm in the rare mood, navigate going out to eat by myself. I like food, enjoy cooking, talking about food and all around appreciate food culture and I rarely have any anxiety issues when in "food situations." (Months have passed during which I never left the house but to go to the grocery store.) I can just barely negotiate other retail encounters, and some I avoid entirely. I haven't, for instance, been able to get a haircut in over a year. I just wait for it to get really long, for me to get really fed up and hypomanic, and then I get drunk and chop it off with scissors and subsequently wear a hat for a month until the carnage is no longer noticeable. In the past my isolation has gotten so bad that I have actually run out of food and not done anything about it. I was down to a box of sugar and a bottle of lime juice and subsisted for almost a week on dilute limeade alone rather than leave the apartment I was living in at the time. At my therapists' urging, last week I went to a Starbucks and sat in it for 30 minutes or so doing the crossword. I felt totally dissociated. I'd lost the script for Starbucks. I felt that everything I did, from asking where the restroom was to picking up my drink, basically any interaction with anyone there, I felt as if I was just watching me do it, and I was watching me doing it wrong. I had no anxiety, but then again, I had no feelings whatsoever; I was just numb. Other than that, I've grown increasingly terrified of any type of social interaction, sometimes, even, with my on-the-balance supportive parents. I've declined enough invitations to (larger) family gatherings that I'm not sure if I get them anymore. I only look at my phone when I need to check when my next psych appointment is. I can only open up GMail when I absolutely need something, and even then, I literally squint my eyes while holding my hand over the screen so I can only see the top line. It's only because I'm having an abnormal day that I even considered posting here, even though I am relatively anonymous. ... So that's a quick summary. All of the above said, every once in a blue moon something in me shifts and almost all of the fear just disappears. I don't know what causes it or with what it correlates. It's not mania, it's just a random good day. The problem is, I don't have a plan for those good days. So when they do occur, I usually end up blowing them, spending maybe 15 minutes trying to figure out something to do, deciding it's not worth the bother, then sliding back into isolation. So I thought it would be good to come up with a plan or brainstorm some ideas of what to do on those better days - a little self-inflicted exposure therapy when I can handle it. I still need to do baby steps. I'm pretty sure the grocery store is safe for me because of my expertise in food. There's almost nothing that could possibly surprise me. Further, since I'm the paying customer, I can control the conversation. As I alluded to above, I know "the script" and almost every possible variation on it. But I can't figure out what the baby steps might be. Talking on the phone is WAY too much to ask; I get afraid just typing it thinking about all of the people I've cut off contact with... What's the baby-step up from grocery shopping? It's been so long since I've been doing things that I really can't think of much. --- I get a bit self-conscious writing only about myself, so here are a couple "discussion questions" that might be of interest (the teacher in me hasn't died yet). Does anyone else think of social outings as scripts (or schemata)? Has anyone else isolated so profoundly so as to neglect basic needs? (Maslow stuff, like food, in my case.) Does anyone else have weird spontaneous remission days like I do? Does anyone want to share their experience with self-imposed exposure therapy? Thanks for your patience.
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