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I had about a 2 month period when I thought we had figured out my meds and was feeling rather "normal" Well now i been crashing, and it got worse about 4 days ago... If anyone has read any of my previous post one of my biggest things that comes with my crashes is wanting to leave my husband. Again he is an AMAZING person, loving, supportive, loyal. I dont desire a divorce (though i often think that would be the fairest thing for him even though I know he doesnt want it either) I HATE MYSELF for these thoughts. I HATE MYSELF SO BAD. Id gladly deal with most anything else then wanting to leave him like this. Its so much harder this time. Maybe because its been so long since Ive felt this way.. I cant pinpoint why i want to leave except maybe because I want to be alone. But we have 2 young kids and I have no ways of supporting myself so im stuck... Ive often thought id be content to live in a tiny home on the same property as he. I havent felt "in love" with him for nearly 2 years now. But I do love him dearly, I still consider him my best friend. Id worry so bad if I left, and I know id be sick with jealousy if he moved on with someone else despite me also thinking he would have a happier life. I wrote him a very LONG letter about how I feel, and it included everything.. He didnt say anything but he did look hurt. who wouldnt? I even told him this time I wished something would just happen to me so he could grieve and move on. The only reason I wont entertain the thoughts of ending it myself is the kids and him. Im also frustrated that my dr. had agreed that TMS but the one place she submitted my info to turned me down because of my drinking... Ive nearly quit now so I can get this treatment as im so sensitive to meds yet she hasn't updated my info or resubmitted me nor has she tried submitting my info to the other office that does it. My councilor recommended me call her and see her sooner but my appt is tuesday and my daughter has her recitals this week so I didnt call since we are so busy.. I dont know what to do anymore... I want to leave so bad, but I truly have no idea if that would solve a damn thing. I guess I need someone that has felt this way to give me some hope that things will get better, or at least fade away and our marriage will remain intact. Or just tell me not to leave because it will make it worse.... I just dont know what I need anymore....
I am unsure if I am posting in the right place, so I apologize if I am. I just got word two days ago that my psychiatrist is leaving the clinic that I go to, and that next week is his last week. When I asked the office staff where he was going, no one knew. This is really hard for me to deal with as I became emotionally attached to him. He only worked at the clinic that I go to for a little over a year. This is a huge shock to me. I was told that I would be put on a waiting list for the new psychiatrist who will be replacing him. I have trust issues and I am wary of seeing someone new; and this is really upsetting to me because I really trusted my pdoc. I am wondering, that if he is staying local if I am allowed to still see him? and how can I found out where he is going if his office staff won't tell me? will my insurance company know where he's going, or are there any other resources that could help me find out where he is going? A lot of things were left unanswered for me and I would really like some closure. I am having a very hard time dealing with him leaving, any advice is much appreciated.