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Not many of you know me, infact probably none of you. But I just picked myself up off the kitchen floor where I had been laying in my own tears and snot for hours, so I figured at least trying to write something out might be helpful. And where better to do that than somewhere people might actually understand and not tell me to get over it?. So here it goes. My name is eleni delacour (yes the suicidal bullied girl from bbc news -sigh-, )I have depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd and lately a while lot of migraines. I grew up around crime, my mum was a drug dealer and dad and stepdad both abusers, bla bla bla you get the jist. I spent years not being able to handle physical contact and being afraid of the outside world. 7 years ago I moved to England thinking my life would change. Well it did but it didn't improve, school bullies changed faces but kept their cruelty, my mum got a legit job but still lied and became a hypocrit. So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed. I still was mentally ill and I got worse, panic attacks began suicidal attempts were constantly on my thoughts... again you get the jist. 5 years ago I met someone who changed my life for the better, he forced me into hugs not drugs, he made me fall madly inlove with him. Hooray happily ever after! Not! To this day he is the most amazing person in my life. But the rest of my life is crashing down around me, I finally found my reason to live, and it's slowly becoming my reason to die. 4 years ago I had a mental breakdown at work and lost my job, they put me on strong medication and signed me 'unfit'for work. I was still living with my mother who insisted I went on benefits even though I really didn't want to take money from the goverment. So yay, I had money. I paid rent to my mum and stayed in my room most of the time, out of the way and best of all away from people. But that wasn't good enough for her, she held an 'intervention'on my lifestyle. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, as long as I was left alone then I couldn't cause trouble. Couldn't lose control. Couldn't hurt anyone. But her ideas were different, a bed time, a waking up time, an exercise plan and food plan, scheduled meals and social interaction... no, I didn't want this I just wanted to be left alone. After I said no she kicked me out. Then lied saying she didn't so I would have no choice but to return home and follow her schedules and plans. I know she done it out of love but she also done it out of selfishness and guilt. Mostly guilt. So after a few months her and her new boyfriend decide they are done with responsibilities. My sister and I were given a date to move out by because my mum decided we were old enough to look after ourselves. Fair enough. But being unemployed, unfit for work, drugged up, depressed, and just downright nowhere near ready didn't matter to her. My boyfriend, the truly amazing man that he is moved out of his mother's and we got a flat together to save me from the fate of homelessness, and suicidal behaviour at the thought of losing my cats (They are my children. Don't judge) and one has brain damage and would be put down if not cared for. And this is when it's all began, life decided it hasn't kicked me in the nuts enough already so after finding a flat to live in that allowed pets and was affordable once you add up my partner's wages and my benefits, my doctors discharged me as a patient without teĺling me which left me with no meds for 6 weeks, then I found out that by moving in with my partner the goverment now class his wages as mine and took away the little money they have me to live, then I lost all my friends and my volunteer job because I couldn't cope under pressure once. And after all this wasn't enough the goverment have decided I now owe them £2000. Which I found out today. We can barely survive on what we have but they just want more from us. And I'm still not allowed to work. I think I'm due another mental breakdown. The reason for this whole history lesson on my life is this, I feel like a burden. I feel like all I am doing is costing people money and making their lives difficult. I don't know if it sounds nuts or not considering I love my boyfriend and he loves me. But i want to die, I want to die because I feel like it would be best for him. Without me he could afford to live and not just survive. I'm stuck in a shot storm and there's nothing I can do to make anything better except cut the head off the snake. I am the root of the problems and I need to go. It's the only logical thing I could do to fix this. But I can't bring myself to do it because of how much it would hurt him. But sometimes the things that are best for us don't make us happy, he wouldn't be happy for a while but he would be able to live. Ha and to think I was worried about Christmas!