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I had no idea where to post this, so I posted it here; mods, please move it as you see fit. Does anyone else experience this? I feel this tugging sensation in my chest, this emptiness and loneliness, all the time. It's a physical sensation, very tangible... It sometimes makes me physically ill. I have to lay in bed for hours at times to recuperate from really bad "episodes" of it. I even feel it, at times, even when I'm around my very best of best of friends, who are actually closer than brothers to me. They are the only ones who can actually somewhat fill that void in my chest, but not always. I feel isolated and cut off in gatherings of groups of friends or family gatherings, like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't talk much because I feel almost like I'm not part of the group, even with aforementioned close friends there. It's so strange. I have occasionally experienced depersonalization in such situations, which is extremely uncomfortable and alarming, and has triggered panic attacks before, but that's not the reason for the post. My reason for this post is to ask if anyone else experiences this same constant tugging sensation in the chest, that constant reminder that "you're alone," the feeling of being alone, and this sort of feeling that "you'll always be alone in this world no matter what," even if you have the best friends in the world to accompany you in life...
So I've been with my boyfriend on and off for almost 5 years. I want to love him I really do, I want to have a good relationship. But we don't even have sex. I'm 21 years old, almost 22. I still love with my mom and I suffer from depression. I'm worried I'll fall into a spiral of depression like I did the last time we broke up and I almost committed suicide. It would be so much easier if I had someone to talk to to tell me it would all be fine and i will find somebody else who makes me way more happy. Honestly I don't remember when my life was somewhat normal. I work 50,000 times harder then my boyfriend. I actually make decent money and I'm going places and being recognized for things I do. Where as my boyfriend hasn't worked in months, he just now got a job that pays him an average amount of money. For a man I think it's shit pay. My dad and all the men in my family basically except my mom side. Work super hard for their cash. My dads side is very traditional in that sense. So the fact that I'm dating a low life is very concerning. I have cheated and we broke up then got back together a few times. We have got in raging fights etc I've thrown things. Clearly very unhealthy. I used to be much happier. I wish I had friends. My only friend is my mom and him. It's very depressing. Right now I'm on a very low dose of escitalopram. Which helps a bit and my job definitely helps but I don't have a good support system at home. I miss having friends and a supportive boyfriend. I don't know how to help this situation. Or maybe I do and I just need some encouragement. Any advice? Anyone been through something similar? No judgment please. If I want judgment I'll go to Yahoo answers... lol thanks in advance ?? photo is from when we first started dating maybe less than I year in.
After Several Months...
NowhereisHome posted a topic in Introductions - Who The Hell Are You?Hi, I stumbled upon this site almost a year ago, but hesitated making an account. I wasn't sure if I'd really "fit in" and connect to other people, but I want to try. It'd be great to meet other people and, hopefully over time, find some great friends. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and it's nice to "meet" you all
Tonight I had an argument with a guy I'm dating on the phone. It was tough, but I was excited because I managed to be skillful.. Not blow up at him, and communicate my real underlying feelings. Fast forward a few hours, I come to find out through a mutual acquaintance that he has told numerous people we both know how "insane" and unstable and generally psychotic I am. I fully admit, i am not easy to be with. I'm textbook BPD and he has hung in there with me through some big emotional blow ups. He, however is extremely emotionally repressed, doesn't communicate well.. And it's a challenge. Anyway, it now makes sense why, on the rare occasions I overcome my social anxiety and get out... I get side-eyed, cold stares, rolled eyes and a whole bunch of bitch faces. Nearly every person in my life seems to see me as a lunatic who is about to have a meltdown at any moment. Its insulting, fragilizing, demeaning, and most of all... It hurts so much. I want to find a rock, curl up under it, and just die. So much for feeling hopeful.