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Yes, I just used a spongebob reference. Hi my name is Nelly. Well it's Janelle but I go by Nelly. Feel free to message me or just comment saying hello down below. I think I finally found a place where I belong. Hiiii

I think I'm just making life harder for myself. So I lost my job about 3 mths ago and then all this shit came out that the reason I was excluded/treated like shite at work was because my supervisors and 2up didn't like the way I look. could have pushed for unlawful dismissal but had just filed a sexual assault with the police so I didn't have any fight left in me. Which is probably why I let the bf push for us to get a dog (I'll get to that). Anyway, I've been getting progressively worse over the last few months, maybe since October ish last year if I'm honest, and I've been taking fluoxetine during luteal phase because I was getting pretty suicidal at that time (not good when working on mine sites with the big trucks!). I wanted the bf to back me up about the work issue and he didn't. His reasoning was that he didn't want to jeopardise his job. Cos it comes first. Always. Even tho he says otherwise. So then we didn't speak for a couple of days and the day he flew home he sent me a msg saying he was bringing one of his work ppl over to pick some stuff up. We're all friends but since the timing was bad and we hadn't been speaking and then I had to go out for dinner with them and act happy while slowing simmering to a boil on the inside things turned ugly on the way home from dropping the friend off. We started fighting in the car and then bf was screaming at me and braked really hard, pulled the car over and leant towards me screaming. So I blocked his face. Raised both hands and blocked his face. Which is like hitting him but without the intent of striking. I thought he was going to throw me out of the car, at night, with no money, no phone, no house keys and leave me a fair way from home. I also thought he was going to start hitting me so after I hit him I curled up in a ball in the seat with my arms covering my head, I call it vertical foetal position. It's my signature move. So after we got home we avoided each other and I went into my head space and decided how I was going to end it all. Some would say it's a good thing I forgot I had one part of my plan tucked away in a cupboard, I'm not so sure. He left the house the next morning when my alarm went off where I was sleeping in the spare room and I went to a appointment and then figured out a place to stay until he went back to work. I msgd him to let him know and he told me to come home. He's been hit (punched, slapped) by women in relationships before and didn't think anything it. I have a problem with that. I don't think any violence is acceptable and I don't have a double standard for men vs women. I've never hit anyone before and I think he should have left me on the spot. So I don't get it. There were a lot of factors leading up to that particular meltdown. I'd like to put it down to the borderline and depression but I think stress and lack of support from bf play a huge part in it. My second major meltdown came when I thought I was late picking up a dog from the airport that we'd adopted. No internet on my phone, no address for the freight pick up on the website before I left and running late. I drove around for 30-40 mins looking for this stupid place that I'd been once a while ago when I wasn't driving or paying attention. Msgd the bf trying to get directions and he told me to look up an old email that I no longer had. Super helpful. He then sent me a couple of relevant street names that I couldn't look up, all the while I was driving around in circles getting mroe and more frantic because there's no where to stop in that while area that isn't paid airport parking. Sooo this led to a sobbing yelling mess on the phone and him being less that supportive and just telling me 'I told you...' and 'in the msg I said ...'. Not helpful. Full blown crying, screaming borderline mess in the car while driving. I had the sense to park in some private parking and eventually came to myself enough to realise there was a person sitting in the car next to me the whole time. That was enough to give me the strength to pull myself together enough to drive away and try again to find this place, only to be told the flight had been delayed and then wait for nearly an hour to get the damn dog. I have a beautiful giant flemish bunny. So smart and gentle and curious. We got this dog (or I got the dog because the bf works 2hr flight away and is only home every second week) and she's awful. By herself she's ok. Way too excited though, clearly has never had any boundaries or rules before so she doesn't even respond to me unless I have food. If I leave her outside she whines and yelps and scratches the (rental house) door. If I let her in she ignores me completely tries to chase my bunny and whines and yelps and barks when I won't let her. I gave her a bath today cos she stank and this evening she didn't smell much better. She shits all over our pavers and in the garage instead of in the garden area. I got her as a rescue dog because I thought I'd 'do the right thing', save a life etc but I think I've made a terrible mistake. Throw my mental state into it and you have me screaming at the dog while she goes crazy for the bunny and I'm sure my neighbours think I'm an arsehole. The bunny is a champ tho, if I can get the dog even slightly calm and call to him, he'll try to come over to meet her, repeatedly. So he's not the problem. It's not like he's running crazy and giving her something to chase. I feel like I only really got her because bf was so pushy. We applied for a different dog originally and he was asking me multiple times a day if I'd heard anything, if I'd called the people, and when we didn't get that one I told him it was probably for the best because I was really struggling. Even taking care of the bunny is hard some day (still much easier than a dog). The we saw this one and the same thing, asking constantly what was happening, had I heard anything about the dog. So now we have her and I hate her. I'm trying so hard not to. I take her for walks, try to get her to do some training - sit, walk on a lead, come. I just can't enjoy an animal that makes me so stressed and tries to get my bunny every time she's in the house. I talked to bf about sending her back and he told me to wait until he gets home and he'll see what he can do. LOL! That's still 6 days away. Also, he's had one dog, and not for very long. He doesn't care for animals properly, I do the work, wtf does he think he can do? I've trained dogs before and this dog just has a lot of bad habits to break that I don't have the energy to deal with and I don't want my bunny to have a heart attack, cos they do that. There's no fair way of keeping her. I can't deal with this, the bunny shouldn't have to and the bf is only here 6 days a fortnight. AND, on top of it all, the doge sets off my allergies. I haven't had eczema for a looong time and it's raging since the dog showed up. Ugh! Much text. Such confusion. Pretty isolated where we are (read: no friends) so other than my psychologist, who I can't afford, this is really my only outlet. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.