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I am so very lost, angry, hurt, depressed, explosive, and drowning. I was put on latuda or my bipolar and depression acting up... I hate new meds for this reason. I started having my ptsd dreams again, ate everything in site and craved sugar omg terribly, have been depressed, cant color which i love to do, just wanna sleep, explosive anger, crying jags, hate life, nothing makes me happy, everything just sucks. Im so angry cause i feel like i did before i went on any meds, 20yr ago. Im so confused i just feel like im grasping at air.. I was in the er the other night and they basically sent me home after giving my dose of larzapam i didn't take in the afternoon cause i doesn't help. My theory of it is it didn't help before the latuda what is gonna make it work coming off latuda or after off.. I remember why i drank now.. I didn't need to feel this then.. I want to drink so bad and wont cause I've been clean 6 yrs April will be 7 and i worked to hard to get here and refuse to prove others right. Im so so messed up i cant sleep cant watch TV cant color yet dont want to do any of the above either but if i dont sleep i hurt... has anyone felt this way.. It sux cause the battle to find meds to work will start tomorrow cause my liver doesn't process meds it flushes them out.. oh well sorry just needed to vent and hope someone can help

Hi. I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside. Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason? And what do you do now?

I had a panic attack on Wednesday with heart palpitations. I began freaking again on thursday and getting very agitated. Considering swallowing a bunch more ativan. Just a chronic heavy feeling in my chest like I can't breath. Called the psych who says I got to wait until February. My job is a joke. And I am not sure anything is wrong with me.

My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in. I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit. Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me. Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it. And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain? Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.

I read Paradise Lost and it created an interesting theory that I've been thinking about a lot. So if you believe in god/gods you perceive him/her/it/them as omnipotent, omniscient and...omnibenevolent but a lot of people would argue that God is not the nicest creator. Why would god create a game such as life, why would God create a world full of pain, suffering and sadness. A world where we are ill and struggle through mental illness. Depression Anxiaty Schizophrenia Bipolar ADHD Personality Disorders Learning Disabilities Psychopathy... Why would he create human beings that are 100% prone to live a life that is not perfect. Why would he create a world that is slowly dying, yes slowly dying. Because he is not omnibenevolent. If you believe in Christianity, he created us in his image. So does that mean we can't be omnibenevolent....no we can. As Milton said....'Ages of hopeless end, this would be worse. War therefore, open or concealed, alike.' does this mean life is a game and we are slowly dying and we are going to be the reason of our self-destruction. Humanity is killing it self. God is just like Hitler and Stalin and Saddam Hussain, God is a malignant narcissist, that's what I think anyway. But he gave us free will...we shall be our own gods, humans shall be omnipotent, omniscient and we shall be something that God can't be...omnibenevolent. "disthrone the king of heav'n" Milton. We shall be our own Gods and maybe the world would be a better place. If we choose to be nice to each other, avoid violence against others maybe we can save the world from this metaphorical but just a bit literal Armageddon. Because all I hear is deaths on the news, that is all I hear and it frustrates me. What do you think of Dystheism?

Ok, I called my pdoc's office to refill my vyvanse. They have a policy that I have to call it in 5 days early, so I did. Well, I had both bottles in my room. The old one with a few pills left and the new one. I go to a day program and I have to leave early in the morning, so, I am still kind of dazed from my seroquel the previous night. So, in the morning, I don't think about things, I just do them. I am starting to wonder if I brought my whole bottle, the new one, to my day program and I guess I could have dropped it there. Or worse, what if someone stole it?????!! I have looked literally EVERYWHERE in my room for the bottle of vyvanse. I have searched my car and the cars that my parents drive. I have even checked the kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc. I have not found it. I have checked every possible place numerous times over and over again. I don't know what to do. I am freaked out. I am also really angry. How could I be such an idiot??? How the hell does one lose their meds? Even worse, now everyone at my day program is a suspect. Either my counselor took it as payback for me cussing at her and being rude to her, or some dumbass(to put it even remotely nicely), took my vyvanse and either used it, abused it, or made a few hundred dollars off of it. I have to go to my program tomorrow. All I can think about it waiting to beat the crap out of people there. Anyways, have any of you lost your stimulant meds? If so, what have you done to solve the problem? Should I call my doctor tomorrow? I am a bit scared to do so. She will think that I am an addict or something. I am so upset right now. It has brought me so much distress.

Cheers. I'm new here. I've been completley lost in drugs and I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. Just trying to find the me that was replaced by my sad alter ego.