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DAMN! Triggered myself replying to another post a few days back. Started thinking about how it would feel if I just had one more hit. Then started thinking about how I would go about scoring.... organising a place to shoot up... how to hide it from family... how will my meds react to it. AHHHHHH CRAP! I'm gonna relapse for sure. I gotta think about about the negatives. Psychosis Money work Health Family I'm on a fricking community order EVERYONE will know.... for sure I can't afford another trip to psychosis valley.... But still these cravings are gonna win. I haven't made any solid plans yet...I just have to wake up to myself. I might go to the gym.... ahhh I dunno. I'll never forgive myself if I do something so stupid. ARGH
It's been 7 months since I last used meth. 7 months since my last meth induced psychotic episode. I was doing so well. About 2 weeks ago the cravings began again. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I gave in last Monday and shot up a couple of points. Had another psychotic episode. MAJOR. I was receiving hypnotic commands again, being absolutely humiliated by the voices. They were inflicting physical pain. I could feel it. I still feel that there was some reality to it all. I can't shake the feeling that I WAS hypnotized, that the voices were real. Like it was some weird demented intervention? I dunno. My parents took me to the hospital where I was involuntarily sectioned under the mental health act. I was in the ward for 4 days. Just got out today. I am still under their control to ensure I am taking all my medication and that I don't relapse. They changed my anti-psychotic to Abilify. They warn me that if I experience another psychotic episode that I might not recover. That might just be scare tactics. They asked me if I will ever do meth again. I honestly don't know the answer to that. For so long I was sure that I would never touch the stuff again. But in a matter of weeks my resolve faded. I know I don't want to do meth again, I know it makes crazy. But now I don't trust myself enough to say that I'll never do it again. I know me. I'm weak. Just a lost cause. I feel like such a douche posting on crazyboards. My mental illness is all self inflicted. And I continue to self inflict. And probably will again and again and again.