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Found 13 results

  1. Greetings everyone, I had honestly forgotten about my mood disorder. I have gone for years without any major episodes. Over the summer I had renewed my eyeglasses/contact prescription from a clinic affiliated with my childhood. In my file they had mailed me, it stated a diagnose of bipolar. Yeah right, had taken medication in my younger years for both depression and adhd. I experienced extreme reactions to both. Whatever. Long time ago anyways. I'm just a dude with lots of empathy, my motto is care more. Never looked back. Then... yah know, 'till now. Heh... Had a long hypomanic period (almost a year) that enveloped two short states (about a week or two a piece) of depression. It ended in a four to five week period of mania. Not the feel good everything is sweet, but dysphoricky, psychotic kind, terminologies, mixed, mind trickery bleh. Sucky. I feel pretty fucking depressed right about now. Postdroming would be the hip lingo methinks. Or post-whatever-whatever. When I was manic I related my experience to times in my past I had felt similar. This most recent bout, the most extreme by far, is not the first time I have experienced hallucinations or delusions during those "difficult" times. Anyways, it seems that for the most part, I float from one period of hypomania to the next with intermittent periods of mild depression. Up and down, up and down for two, three, four years then... boom! Shit just gets unreal, blend of all symptoms. Depression for a few months, rinse and repeat. To pose my question, is there a possibility that one could spend so much time on the manic side of life? It is kinda opposite of the descriptions for bipolar 2 I have read, I dunno maybe. My depression only feels like contrast to my elation. Hard to describe. As difficult as it is right now, it is not nearly as terrifying as my mania. Also, is it realistic to pursue a life without medical attention until one should really be institutionalized during full mania? Would I be lying to myself by embracing my hypomania? Maybe I am just not experiencing any symptoms during those times and I'm just a philosophical, passionate, eccentric. It all just reads like hypomania...fuck. I don't know, I am trying to understand. Crazy talk... Though I have read that episodes can last for a long time. Maybe I have just learned to cope with depression but not mania. I don't know. I am not suicidal but have had suicidal ideations during my episodes. A close friend of mine since childhood had a psychotic episode or break last year and is being effectively treated for psychosis. I know that medication serves a very real purpose. I mean, my mother has struggled with controlling her bipolar type 2 with various medications her entire life, but it helps her control it. I have always had poor experiences with any sort of medicines aside from antibiotics. Hah! Had some pretty weird hallucinations after getting a tetanus shot with some added violent mood swings, paranoia and blacking out forgetting where you are kinda shit. Lasted three days. Hard to paint a house with that goin on. Avoid ladders... Maybe I'm just afraid... A lot has been going through my head. Not as bad as it was for a minute though. That being said, care more my friends and thank you for any input. May we build eachother up! We may not heal, we may not get stronger, but damn it, we will get better at fighting!
  2. So, I've noticed, as my symptoms are starting to return, that I don't have the typical bipolar episodes. Even for rapid cycling. I have psychosis all the time, mostly paranoid delusions, a couple delusions of grandeur, general paranoia, and possibly mild hallucinations (seeing shadows,but that could just be common tricks of the eye that I put more meaning into because of my delusions.) My mood tended to be elevated more than depressed, and even when I self harmed it would usually be because I was overly anxious, or frustrated/angry, and restless that it was a way for me to calm myself temporarily. I've since stopped, although the desire to do so is returning but I haven't acted on it. When I would feel depressed and/or suicidal it was more likely to be a result from anxiety and being overwhelmed. My anxiety, irritability, and delusions would cause me to draw away from friends and family. And then I would feel alone, tired, and depressed. This would either switch between my elevated moods quickly (multiple times a day, or every couple days tops) or they would happen together. I don't remember if I would ever go through periods of time without feeling any sort of mood issues but still being psychotic. There may have been times when I wasn't depressed or elevated, but I would still have anxiety and social awkwardness. Most of my mood swings (this is what my family tells me, I was a bit out of touch with reality to keep track of it myself. Although I was very good at hiding the paranoia and delusions, not the mood swings though) were switching between extreme irritability and giddiness/excessive happiness. Another note, is that even when I'm manic (I assume it's mania, unless the diagnosis is wrong and it's something else?) I have no trouble sleeping. I tend to stay up late, but I have no problem sleeping in. I actually have a bit of a problem with oversleeping, and am often unable to wake up before 2pm unless I set multiple alarms. I know a lack of sleep is a tell tale sign of mania, so I'm wondering how common it is to have mania without it. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling/mixed episodes (one psychiatrist said rapid cycling and another said mixed episodes) and put on lamotrigine for the past 3 years. For the most part my mood issues stabilized, with less severe irritability and elevated feelings not as often. My psychotic symptoms didn't completely disappear, but they were less intense, more easily ignored. I'm just worried that I may have been misdiagnosed. I've heard that schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder with psychosis are sometimes confused with each other, but I don't really know much about the former. And of course I'm not a professional, so I can't make a diagnosis. I just wanted some opinions and maybe some help. Thanks.
  3. I just joined CB and I didn't really want to make a new thread to whine about myself but I guess I feel a bit scared out here on my own. I'm currently trying to complete my last semester of college, after already having to repeat a year. I'm only taking 1 class, but it's a constant struggle. I can't attend class and I got behind from the start and have yet to fully catch up. I was just diagnosed last year with BPNOS--BP1, with rapid cycling. I was on Lamictal for a bit fall/winter of 2013, but my dad lost his job so there went my insurance, and I just got it back this semester. Back then my BP had seemed quite manageable, but since October, I feel like I've been holding onto the side of a cliff by my fingernails, trying my best not to fall off. I refuse to not graduate this year, though, because I've come so far, and I'm not repeating another year. I either finish this semester or I don't graduate. This semester, I've gotten back on the Lamictal along with Seroquel, and we've slowly been raising both, but I have yet to feel a difference. In fact, as the semester has progressed, I've felt all the more unstable. I feel like maybe I could benefit from IP, if anything to get the medications in order, but I remain firm on my decision to see the semester through to the end. At this point, there are just 6 weeks left. I guess, I just want to know that I'm not the only one trying to hold it together like a car that you can tell is falling apart but you're just praying will make it to the end of the road trip xD
  4. Today, in a moment of helplessness and near rage—triggered by a stupid, insignificant incident—I told my brother to please offer any kind of help. He mumbled a response, something along the lines of, if he helps me I'll just find some reason to criticize him, at which point my vision blurred and I found myself saying, "I swear to God, I will kill myself." Now I feel like shit for saying such a thing. In that moment some part of me must have meant it, but it still feels a lot like manipulating someone just to get what I want. I realize I only ever threaten people that way when I feel incredibly alone. I am ashamed that I do this. I am ashamed that I make everything about myself. I am ashamed that I seem to think I should get special treatment just because some doctor gave me a name for what it is to have too many thoughts and feelings. I am so ashamed. Call it a call for help. Whatever. I must be alone for a reason. Who wants to help such a glorious mess like me? When I call I call too loudly. It makes me want to disappear to make things even with the universe.
  5. Hiya, I've been diagnosed mixed affective disorder, and can't find much out online about it. My pdoc is one who, while brilliant, likes to skirt over diagnoses etc and just concentrate on how I'm feeling. All I know is it's definitely "bipolar" and not a "bipolar-like" illness. A bit about what led to this diagnosis: I've struggled since the age of 12-13 with massive mood swings, but not like months of mania/depression- more like - any little thing could send me into a rage, or I could be feeling on top of the world, then flip into crying. I always knew something wasn't right but never fit into the normal category for bipolar so never sought help. My pdoc now thinks I have been having mixed episodes (in varying strengths) since then. I eventually got help after falling into a severe depression, first diagnosed as MDD, and trying to commit suicide. It's only since I've got significantly better from the depression that we've been discussing these mood swings, and the diagnosis has changed to mixed affective disorder. Has anyone heard of it or could give me any more clues? I'd be grateful!
  6. *image from the website below.. i do not own it nor did i create the chart/graph* http://blog.23andme.com/23andme-research/what-patients-say-works-for-bipolar-disorder/ What would you add to this as most helpful and least helpful? or what do you already see on it that you agree with? A combination of meds, therapy and small stuff can help someone a lot.
  7. I am not new at this, but I feel like a fool. I still cannot tell when an episode is coming on and that leaves me in a pretty dangerous place. My cycles are close together, even on medication. I have episodes of dysphoric mania that take me out of reality. Once I am there I cannot think to take any medication or call my doctor. I am just removed from reality completely. So far there has been someone to come along, but they didn't give me my medication, they just put me in the hospital. Now I live alone and I fear an episode that will put me in a suicidal state, with no one to come along and find me. I wonder what your symptoms are before you have dysphoric mania. How can I tell it is coming? I could help myself if I knew.
  8. I'm in a mixed state, and my depression the past three or so days has been really bad but lately I've been wanting to do some crazy fucked up shit cause I'm feeling apathetic and suicidal I guess? Like, eh fuck it. That sort of mood. The things I've been thinking about include drug use, self harm, ruining my relationships by being a bitch, stealing things, not going to work, unsafe sex with strangers, extreme out of character sort of things really. I mean, to put in perspective how crazy that is- I've never used illegal or recreational drugs and I've never stolen, and I've only ever had one sexual partner who I am still with. This state of depressed apathy sort of coinciding with these ideas of 'if it doesnt kill me so the fuck what' and if it does kill me- so the fuck what. I'm feeling really snappy and edgy and teary eyed. So I dunno. Tomorrow I'm talking about it with my case manager but like. Fuck. It's ruining my life having these thoughts and feelings. They don't feel like my own. Any suggestions on how to cope or deal or drown these thoughts out? Maybe safer alternatives to let the feelings out?
  9. I am thinking that i should go into inpatient care...I'm in the midst of a mixed episode and it keeps getting worse. How long were you in the hospital before you were stabilized on meds and released? Thanx for reading and hopefully answering.
  10. Hi everyone, yes, I'm new and my story is a long one - as I suppose is the case with most people here - and I won't tell all of it, not for now anyway. I know I've been mentally ill all my life. Always the odd one out. Past and current issues include anxiety, panic attacks, clinical depression, PTSD, Bipolar 2, alcoholism. Current diagnosis is Bipolar 2, so I'm more on the depressive side of Bipolar. Right now I am going through menopause and that does NOT help with my mental illness ... I'm from Germany, live in the USA since 1991. I'm married and my kids are 20 and 17 years old. I live in Austin, TX and have a lot of animals that help to keep me sane - at least as sane as possible. Here in Austin I'm a member of Dual Recovery Anonymous, for folks with mental illness and addiction issues. It's a good place to be and I met a lot of cool people there. Where can I post questions about medication? I just try it here and you can always tell me to go someplace else with that topic ... I am taking Lamictal for a long time, for the past 3 years or so I'm on 300 mg/daily. Over the last months I became very depressed and cried a lot. My psychiatrist raised my Lamictal by 25 mg, to be taken before bedtime. At my next appointment she told me to take another 25 mg. So I am on 350 mg now, for the last 8 days. I started to feel worse, not better. I'm all over the place. Crying, laughing, hating, loving, anxiety, energy or no energy, I cannot settle on any feeling and my family is driving me nuts. Twice I had that sensation of going crazy, which is so horrible and I haven't had that in a long time. Last night I was out with some friends and I couldn't stand the conversation anymore and excused myself to go outside. The same thing happened a week before, but yesterday was much worse. I started to lose it. I cried, I got nauseous, scared, I couldn't talk coherently, I shouted, I was shaking and altogether I felt like checking myself into a hospital (mental health facility, which is coincidentally right around the corner from the restaurant where we met). My friends came outside to sit with me and I got worse and worse. One of them suggested to call my doctor, which I did. I talked to the doctor on call, which was o.k., because he was really nice. He told me to immediately go back to my initial dose of 300 mg Lamictal and also stop a herbal sleep remedy that I started taking about a week ago. It was Bach Rescue Sleep Liquid Melts. So here's my question: have any of you experienced similar effects after going on a higher dose of Lamictal? Any experience with Bach Rescue Sleep Liquid Melts? Thanks for reading, sorry about the long intro. Gabriela
  11. Ok so I took my first 75mg dose of venlafaxine yesterday after being on 37.5mg for a week. I took it at 6:30 pm, went to bed at 10:00 pm and woke up at 12:42 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I started to feel a little euphoric but decided to try to get more sleep and laid down for 20 min. Now my aweful depression thoughts are back but I still feel full of energy and a little irritable. My speech and thoughts are goin a mile a min. To put it simply I'm having a mixed episode. Here's the problem, I called my pdoc's office and he's out of town and the person covering for him is swamped. They said they would try to get back to me later today and suggested I should go back down to the lower dose if I don't hear anything. I can't go back down to that dose, I only have 75mg capsules. Plus I've been through this before and I know I just need a large dose of AP to fix this. Should I go to the ER if they don't call me back? I don't know how long I can handle this.
  12. Hi, I kind of feel like a whiny bitch asking this, but I have been looking all over the internet, and can't find an answer that "satisfies" me, because it isn't really from the most reliable source. I should preface this by saying I am in the midst of a bad mixed episode, the worst I have had for many years. Also, I am usually considered BP II, so theoretically psychosis is not a symptom. My official diagnosis is BP NOS, but it looks like that will change when the DSM 5 comes out, and I will be BP II "again." Okay, if you have auditory hallucinations during a mixed episode, are you automatically psychotic? I've had two incidences now, one on Friday/Saturday night (I think it was about 4AM), and then one yesterday. The one on Friday, I could hear a conversation, but couldn't understand the words. I won't go into the fascinating details that are only of interest to me, but there was only one possible "real" explanation, I checked for it, and it wasn't happening. And I knew as soon as I heard it it was a hallucination. I don't know why, because there *was* one reasonable, if unusual explanation. But I knew. The one yesterday I knew right away, too, but I wasn't as scared. I don't know if that is just because I had already experienced it, or what, because logically, I should be more scared, since that is a second incidence. Both times, after I looked around, and decided it was a hallucination, I was "visited" one last time in a really hugely obvious way, like a "Fuck you, you think we aren't a hallucination? Let us demonstrate that we are." But I already *thought* they were hallucinations. I know stuff about the people speaking in my first hallucination that I couldn't possibly know, and despite not being able to make out words. I know the man was Jewish and from Brooklyn, I knew how one woman dressed, and that she was an alto, and one was blond and petulant. How does that even make sense? The guy that spoke to me yesterday I know less about. The thing is, I don't *feel* the way would think I should if I were psychotic. If you ask me, I'm not. But I'm having these hallucinations, and I can't find any other reason on the internet for having them. I looked up the symptoms for psychosis, and I had almost none of them aside from hallucinations, except personal cleanliness, and some language issues (I can't remember, I'm tired), but both of those could also be explained by a mixed state. I have to admit, my personal cleanliness is crazy bad, the worst ever. I no longer really give a shit how I look, I try to look okay when I go out for DH's sake, but I really couldn't give a fuck. I have to shower tonight, because I have an MRI, but that will be after 8 days. The previous shower to that one was 17 days before (that shower, not today). So basically, I guess it all boils down to "Whaaaaa?" Any thoughts?
  13. Well I was initially diagnosed schizo-affective, bipolar type. But it's been one year and five months since my first ever episode and I've not had a manic episode since then. I am on 10mg Abilify only. Do you think my bipolar diagnosis is incorrect then? 10mg can't be enough to cover bipolar symptoms, right? Sorry I know I've been questioning my diagnosis lately and I have asked for a second opinion but it's going to take ages to get one.
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