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  • Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
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    • But I Need a Damn Haircut: When You Don’t Have the Virus, But You’re Still Falling Apart
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Found 12 results

  1. Does anyone else have sound sensitivity? It comes and goes, especially when I’m feeling agitated/mixed. Been off work 3 days per pdoc and I go back tomorrow because I cannot afford to be off. Today’s been the worst for the sensitivity. I dread going back tomorrow because my workplace is very noisy and often when on the phone with a client a voice hits a certain pitch and I’m cringing; it’s almost painful. I want to hang up and flee. The pdoc is sending me this afternoon to a depression/anxiety group which is senseless and I don’t want to go because it’s weekly but this is the only day I can go since I’m off work - normally I’m working. I’m effing agitated and a group one time isn’t going to help but I have to in order to appear “compliant” to the HMO. They offer no groups for any type of bipolar. I think after being in and out of therapy since a teen (although not knowing it’s BP until a couple years ago), I probably have the group thing down pat and consider this one-time thing to supposedly give me “coping skills” to be something to placate the insurer; not helpful. I have loads of coping skills or I wouldn’t have made it this far and snowed most the people I know, that have no clue what I’m going through inside while I always act positive on the outside. I’m exhausted by acting and don’t look forward to the noise tomorrow. Can’t even take the chirping of a bird right now, which I find sad to admit. So stressed. Venting here, as I wait for the group to begin.
  2. Do you ever have ultra-rapid/mixed-type episodes (imagine the flavor of uncontrollable crying, deep despair, hopelessness, with added dash of hysteria and near-psychosis). These episodes repeat each month (3-4x), but only last 1-2 hours...they have become more & more erratic as I've become older. It can be a small trigger, stress builds and it's like a mini-nervous breakdown, feelings overwhelm, before I can pull myself out. It can be quite traumatic, honestly. No one can tell me what this major brain blip is. Most doctors have diagnosed me with major depression, but then I have these rapid "broken circuit" episodes i call them. I have never been manic or hypomanic.... I just usually feel depressed and then each month I have several of these "fits" where I completely lose it. WTH could this be?? My meds work the rest of the time, but I've never found a med that helps with these fits !?#$@%
  3. When you experience a change in mood, be it mania, depression, hypo or mixed does it creep over you slowly or is it like a switch got flipped? I would like to ask the same question in regards to delusional/paranoid/psychotic symptoms. For me and a few others I know it's a switch. Sometimes with a known trigger and sometimes just because BP wants to fuck with me. Winter depression creeps but turns off all at once for me. So a bit of a creepy switch. Do you find the same in reverse? Your depressed for a period, say 6 weeks and then click the switch gets flipped and wham it's gone? Enquiring minds want to know. Well at least one mind does.
  4. Can you be Bipolar if you only experience Mixed episodes (intense dysphoria/angst/anxiety) along with chronic Depression? I experience both states, but I consider the depression to be my chronic baseline mood (if that makes sense) I don't go "up & down" in the classic manic/depressive polarity it seems. To clarify, I never feel "sped up" I always sleep alot, I don't act impulsively and I don't really get angry. I sometimes get irritable (but it's usually justified - like no more irritable than an average person) I thought to be Bipolar you need to experience at least 1 full manic episode or clear-cut episodes of Hypomania....which I thought was different from Mixed episodes (in a separate category?) I guess I don't know if my mixed episodes would be considered "hypomania" I feel like they are more of a severe depressive state (level of intensity increases), with anxiety and mood lability....however these "Mixed episodes" are cyclical.
  5. Hello everyone, last 5 days i feel depressed, but not "clasical" depressed, i've anxiety,irritiabilty,anger, high energy, i want to do something,but can't focus on just one thing what to do. Sleep is distrubated,fragmentary. body feels exhausted,but mind is active, i also have suicidal thoughts.
  6. So I've been on lithium and Seroquel since 2011 for bipolar mania. It's worked pretty well, but the lithium has caused hypothyroidism as well as early signs of kidney problems (renal tubular acidosis). Neither of these are bad enough to pull me off the lithium at the moment. Earlier this year, I started sinking into a depression fueled by school and medical issues. Eventually, my pdoc added Prozac for depression and Klonopin for anxiety. To make a long story short, the depression/anxiety were bad enough to get me into a partial hospitalization program (PHP). The PHP pdoc told me that Prozac can cause mixed states and pulled me off of it. In retrospect, this makes sense--I've been happy and energetic one day, angry the next, tired and sad the next, but not enough to be fully manic or depressed (in my mind). He's also increased the Seroquel and Klonopin and that seems to be helping. He also brought up the idea of taking me off lithium in light of the risk of long term health programs (I'm 25 so I'll be on these meds for a long time) and putting me on Depakote. He said since I'm being monitored more closely in the PHP, now would be a good time to do this. He said we could talk about it this week since it's not urgent. I'm a bit attached to Lithium since it kept me stable for so long, but I am concerned about the long term effects, plus clearly something isn't working now if I need to be in a PHP. Maybe this is a risk I need to take. Has anyone here switched from Lithium to Depakote? What are your thoughts on it?
  7. It's been awhile since I posted.... I have still been what I think is a mixed state rapid cycle for months now :/ I was on the Trileptal but as it increased it just gave me headaches so bad I ended dup in the ER because it was shooting down my back and neck (It did help my physical problems though) So I already know a number of antipsychs don't work and worsen m physical problem. Depression meds have always revved me up unbearably. Other then Valium my first notable calmness came with Depakote, however like I said before it oddly gave my a weird audio hallucination on a extremely low dose on day 3. So I hung out on the Trileptal for a bit then my psych though maybe Gabapentin would work since the Trileptal was helpful and NO! For others I heard it was a wonder for me OMG I NEVER cycled so fast with mix of slight audio sounds/paranoia I almost went to the ward I was out of it I thought I was on a BAD acid trip and was dying as well. Now he uped my Valium slightly from 15mg to 20mg and want's to start a Low does of Lamictal*spelling? (25 mg twice a day) Anyway for ease of mind is the lamictal going to help with the rapid and mix cycling? I know were all different but I'm still in a bad state after that Gabapentin and don't want to agitate it. My psych only classifies all Bi polar as one so he doesn't classify in the Bi polar 1 or 2 category's and such so he just throws out what med he thinks is needed based on a 1-10 feeling chart. I'm just looking for some reassurance I guess on lamictal as I very drug sensitive. I noticed I'm always in general angry suicidal down but at the same time tried yet hyper ready to go out and do something risky and extreme and get paranoid easily and tend to get delusion (which I kinda like my delusions there the only thing that make the world kind of real and fun) But I can recognize that there delusions I just get caught up in them these are accompanied by Huge panic/anxiety along with some physical problems. I rarely go to just one side of anger or sad. If anyone has the kind of feelings I get what has worked for you? (I know to each is different but just wondering) I hope the Lamictal works but heard it's activating :/ If this collides with anything I wrote in the past I'm sorry since I been trying all these meds I had memory laps ALOT and parts where I be talking then blank out staring (did it infront my therapist and husband) Sometimes I can hear them talking but can't talk can only fumble and stare around. I also started losing how to word myself properly. I even found out at my last ER visit I can't take oxycodone like I use to since my physical problems oxycodone trigger full body shakes that make me bite my tonged lasting a hour and limb jerking (the worse in the neck cause that one hurts) Anyway success story's with lamictal in medicine sensitive people who get mixed/rapid cycles with delusions and anxiety? (excuse the grammar and spelling and format please)
  8. I was diagnosed bipolar 2 at 17 and mixed type about 2 yrs ago. I was doing some reading because I have been off meds for a few months and things are just getting worse. Anyhow I read that bipolar swings have periods of normal in between. Now I am confused. I honestly do not remember a time when I wasn't hypomanic, full blown manic, extremely depressed, extremely angry, or a combination of them all at the same time. So my question is could it be something else? My moods swing anywhere from a few times a day to consistent for over a year. It feels like just in the last 3 years I have been all over the place. The way I am right now is completely different from how I was last year and the year before that I was different from the last 2 years. My moods never stop. I am always in some extreme there has never been a calm or what would be considered normal phase.
  9. Does anyone know what I mean and what you call it? When I get into a mixed state, I get this uncomfortable yucky feeling, it's like a mental itch that makes me want to self harm or use drugs/alcohol to get rid of it. I don't physically feel anything, it's a mental unsettledness, for lack of a better word. It's a fairly reliable warning sign that I am starting to circle the drain and need to call the doc.
  10. I'm hoping there are others who hate the transition from late winter into spring as much as I do. Here is this topic summed up: do you suffer from very rapid and intense mood cycling when winter slowly blooms into spring? I honestly feel as though my mind is in sync with the transition of the death of winter into the explosion of life that is spring time. I'm diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder (I think I have schizoaffective bipolar type due to hallucinations, delusions, visions, and intense paranoia but I don't care to be officially diagnosed). The slow transition from late winter into spring always hits me very hard. Simple put, I experience very intense cycling. The mood cycling is filled with mania, mixed episodes, plenty of insomnia, depression, bouts of crying...you name it. I apologize if this is a waste of crazyboards time and server space. It would just be nice to know that there are others going through the same kind of an almost purge of the conscious and sub-conscious. Thanks for taking the time to read, and if you are experiencing heaven and hell during this time of the year, I wish you the best in coping. This time of the year is what initially sent me into the hospital and I'd imagine things get intense for other people with bipolar 1 disorder or otherwise. Lastly, is it my ungrounded thinking or do we individuals with bipolar disorder express a metaphorical yet very human representation of seasonal change? Stay tuned for more nonsensical writing (don't worry, I will not be flooding crazyboards with topic after topic, only kidding).
  11. I have no idea what is going on in my head. I was diagnosed with depression 20+ years ago, but the past year have had what feels like hypomanic episodes, most recently I don't know if I've been having ultra-rapid cycling or mixed state bipolar. I'll have a few days of really really high energy, talking fast, making lots of plans, taking on new projects, spending, not sleeping, then low energy and irritation, the whole time though with thoughts of death and suicide almost all the time. I've been missing a lot of class and can't concentrate very well at school or work. Due to a screw up with my insurance I haven't had continual access to a pyschiatrist, and I am now off all meds. I don't have an official diagnosis at this point. Previously I was on Citalopram and Abilify but I really hated Abilify for the weight gain and anxiety, and Citalopram was doing nothing except maybe causing hypomania. I see a counselor twice a week but just started last month so there hasn't been a whole lot of time to work on stuff/ /sigh I don't even know what to do. I am pretty sure I am somewhere on the bipolar spectrum. The thought of trying lots of new meds terrifies me- I get anxiety and panic attacks about side effects. I was at peace with being depressed and being on an AD the rest of my life, but this whole bipolar thing throws a huge wrench in things and now I don't know how to deal with it.
  12. Okay, in my posts, I have been referring to my depression since July of 2011 as moderate. I thought it was moderate, which I knew still meant I was depressed. But compared to episodes I experienced in my 20s and early 30s I knew what *severe* depression felt like, and this wasn't it. Then the mixed episode was triggered about 3 weeks ago, and kablooey, and I don't know how much longer I can cope. Then I saw the stupid covering pdoc (who I do. not. like. She is condescending, and I am smarter than she is (not about psychiatry, but in general). Another thing I like about my pdoc is that he is clearly at *least * as intelligent as I am, probably more so. It is a relief sometimes to be able to use my real vocabulary. Anyway, she saw me yesterday and said, "Well, you aren't mixed anymore, you are depressed." And I realized she was right. For one thing, I was sitting there wearing a dirty shirt, dirty pants, a hat to cover my greasy roots, and a barrette to pull my hair back. It wasn't until later that I found about a third of my hair had never been in the barrette, and was just hanging there. And I haven't showered in over a week. And you know what? I just don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired, I don't have time for social niceties. But I realized later that it was the first time since I started going to this psychiatric unit that I had gone in looking really disheveled that. I see her again on Friday. Then I have an appt. with MY pdoc 11 days late. But if this is still this messy after Friday, I am going to call to be on the cancellation list. I am eating way too much. Which is a symptom I have had when I was severely depressed in the past. So I guess I've crashed, and hard. Mixed states are the closest thing to mania that I've experienced, and I was definitely mixed for a couple of weeks there, but this past weekend I seem to have crashed. I want to say Monday. And I feel like this is a big one, this is not going to be "moderate." I can feel myself being sucked down the hole. Oh my god, I was so sick in my 20s and early 30s, I do not want to go back there. I don't know how to cope with DH, and vice versa. Gah. i can't think straight. Now I am no longer weepy, which to me implies over-reaction, Instead, I am now constantly crying. It is my default emotional response, it has no bearing on the situation at hand. I am praying that I am being dramatic, and there is a lot more tweaking we can do with my current cocktail. But I think something major is going to have to happen, like coming off Lamictal or Wellbutrin. Or maybe add another AD? I don't know. I don't want this to happen, but I can't thinking about it. sorry if this is a mess. I am really tired, but not sleepy, which is another hallmark of this episode. I know this is going all over the place. I hate being crazy soooo much.
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