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Found 5 results

  1. I am depressed. I usually am watching out for mania, mixed and psychotic episodes. I haven't been depressed in awhile. I am safe. I'm not going to hurt myself in anyway. However, I need to help myself while I still have the motivation. Before I sink too low. I have been there. It's horrible. Im so "rusty" on depression. I want to help myself. I'm a reader, a researcher, an information-gatherer, by nature. I want to gather info and strategies to help me get better. I just need to figure out where to start. Google is always my go-to, but I was wondering if anyone had a source they like or things that help them. I thought about reading all the threads in this section, but I don't know if it will help or trigger me. I guess I need a "depression toolbox." Any tips or sources are appreciated. I know this will pass. Thanks.
  2. Hello, This is my first post on this board. I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar 1 from 2002-2015. Last year I went off medication, and have been med free since Oct 2015. I went off because I believed the medication was hurting me more than helping and making me sicker. I felt I had nothing to lose. As a result, I regained mental clarity but had one long mania cycle and I am now in a very depressed cycle which is difficult to.endure. I am very depressed from stress but mostly from the fact that I now see clearly how my bipolar has wrecked havoc in my life. I am seeing it clearly for the first time and I am accepting it. I am 52, divorced with 3 kids. My oldest doesn't talk to me at all, my middle has some communication, getting better and now my daughter 13 doesnt speak to me. The alienation creates severe feelings of pain for me. I have hurt them and their mother and this is my reality. Their mother has played my mental illness against me in the divorce and has sought to alienate me from my children. She has provoked confrontations with me, has had me arreated and has played the victim to the hilt. I now have several court motions to addressential with her on house and alimony and alienation issues. There is nothing more painful than not having a relationship with your kids. Because of the massive losses, caused mostly by mania, I am now willing to accept treatment for my bipolar again. I am very afraid of medications that sedate me, make me lose my memory and effect my body weight. I do not trust psychiatrists, pharma, or medication. But I need help. I am a lost soul right now trying to find my tribe and get direction. My parents are supportive and a few friends but I have lost nearly all my relationships to my craziness and disorder. I had substance abuse problems as well but have been sober now for almost a year. I hope to hear from some of you that there is hope, that one can get through massive depression and pain as well as mania and find meaning and purpose in life. I really need to connect with people that are managing this illness well and might understand. I am powerless over my bipolar and my life is unmanageable. Thank you. Eddie
  3. Hi. This is my first post and I would appreciate an outside perspective/opinion. Early last year I moved into a flat-share. I got on very well with on of the girls. We spent a lot of time together hanging and became very, very good friends quickly. After a while, we became involved with each other and quickly enough our relationship grew stronger and more meaningful. So meaningful that I asked her to marry me at the turn of the year. She said yes. Since then, things have changed every so slightly. We argue a lot now and very easily. To me she seems to be more sensitive – when compared to before I asked her. Also, I sense some attempts to control me. Again I don’t know which is why I need an outsiders opinion. Since we got engaged, as I mentioned, we argue a lot now and very easily. With time the arguing has become worse/more regular. At first, I’d say she wasn’t ‘that’ sensitive and now she seems more sensitive. If I say something wrong or do something wrong i.e. - If I am answering a work phone call after work, she will tell me to put it down. If I say no, I cant, its work, she will become upset. When I do finish the phone call, she has to know all details immediately and why I had to answer the call (only my line manager – the CEO (small company) will call me after work). My response is usually - sorry, its my boss and its work. - Another example, if I say ‘I love you’, she always says ‘I love you more’. If I don’t respond she will say, way to let a girl know that you care for her… then she will be upset. (I also hate the fact she says that, very nice thing to say to your fiancé) - Final example, slightly different – I was asked by friends to go out for a drink. This was the first time ever in our relationship – I live in a different city to my friends. We had a week long argument about it where she was saying things like – I am inclined not to like these people. I don’t know these people so how do I know if you’re going to be ok. So how long will you be out for? When will you be back? That night I came home early to avoid an argument. But she still started one. I feel like I have to answer any questions she asks with the exact answer she is expected otherwise she will be upset with me so now when I do answer her question I stutter a bit in fear of her becoming upset… omg I have just realised what I am typing… grow a set of balls! One thing I find she does as well is when im texting she will ask who I am texting if she cant see the screen of my phone. When I say who she will ask what they wanted – is it me or is that normal (oh and this is every text – actually, if my phone vibrates she will say you’ve got a text. Halve the time its an email (clear to me by one vibration) and if I say no it’s a vibration, she will become irate with me). An example was last night, she was on the ipad playing a card game. I received a text from my uncle and started texting back. I knew she had stopped playing and started watching me because she had the sound on the ipad turned on and I couldn’t hear any cards being dealt, etc… whilst I was texting. As soon as I stopped, the cards started making noises again. Furthermore to that, if I am on facebook (very rarely) and I am reading the latest ‘news feed’, she WILL say to any update from a girl who could be classed as attractive as ‘a dirty slut’ – the usual line is ‘why are you friends with so many slutty girls’… WTF! These are ppl I went to school with. I've not seen 95% of my 'facebook friends' since then! One girl I had to state in ‘What capacity’ I knew the girl – she is dating a guy I played football with who is a twin… she was not impressed with my answer and so… became upset with me and since has asked me about it and (to me) is clearly looking for inconsistencies in my answers. Oh and appraently all the girls i work with (four in total) are all sluts (well except on - she is mid fourties, has a husband and two kids). The other three are either between 1 to 6 years older than me. If she slags one of them off and i say thats a bit harsh... 'why are you defending her!' 'You're taking her side over mine' (firstly WTF have they done to you, secondly they are not here! How can i take their side - you are arguing with yourself). Despite all over the above (examples) I do love her because she is sooo much fun to be with and we laugh so much. I have said to a handful of ppl that she is me, just with different parts… Last weekend she terrified me… when we first started dating she was anti-depressants, after 4 months she came off them. She know believes she needs to go back on them – first mentioned a few weeks back. I asked her if she would delay that to see if this is something we to deal with together without medication – I know nothing about depression and was relying on her knowledge etc. She say ok. At the weekend, we were lying in bed until she got up and sat on the floor. She then started to bang the back of her head against the wall. I immediately jumped up and asked what was wrong, told her to stop it etc. My ‘sudden’ interest in her (?!?!?!?) compelled her to say – why are you worried, what are you hiding (not the exact words but also conveys the msg). I was confused and had no idea what she was talking about. I felt like she started to verbally attack me whilst I was still confused. We ended squabbling until she told me to fuck off so I went into the other bedroom to sleep. She barged in immediately and started shouting again saying you don’t care, etc, etc, etc. She locked herself in the bathroom and started crying. I felt terrible because she was upset and I thought it was because of me so I went to see her. She let me into the bathroom where I hugged her from behind whilst she faced into the corner of the room. She continued saying things like, you don’t love me, you don’t care about anyone but you, I told you I needed to go back on anti-depressants BUT YOU WOULDN’T LET ME (fucking lie!). She then started saying that I was cruel for not letting her go on the anti-depressants (you’re cruel, you’re cruel, you say nasty things)… I finally managed to calm her down and get her back in bed. Just before we went to sleep she said ‘Well done, you deserve to sleep well’.I asked her what she meant coz I had no idea what she was talking about. She said ‘with your technical skills – you know work’ … WTF!?!? I did not sleep well that night. Since then if feels like theres an elephant in the room constantly and we cant talk about it because she gets so upset. I do not know what to do! And I am freaked out! This is not the person I asked to marry me! Definitely not! WTF! She has admitted on several occasions that she has abandonment issues to which I was let her know I will always be there for her. She also says she loves me too much and that when she is not with me i.e. if I am away with work, that she panics so much that she is always on the verge of a panic attack. Please help me. By no means am I perfect i.e. I get defensive now when she gets upset or is being what I class as overly sensitive. Im now very quick to boil over. I've never know myself to be like this, its unreal! I feel like im carrying a bag of anger with me at all times - i dont like it. But she just isnt the person I asked to marry me. She has also thrusted the ring back in my face twice… WTF! I am exhausted by her constant need for reassurance, her obsessiveness, her sensitivity. It doesn’t feel like I am in a relationship anymore. I know all relationships have tough times but my last one last 6 years and there was many of those during that. I've actually has a cheeky look at available flat/flatshares. I dont want to break up with her as i want to work at this! but i am exhausted and she has said that she won't stop caring for me so much and wont change her way. I asked her to marry me! I also made a promise to her parents when i told them of my intention (to ask her to marry me) - i said i'd care for her. They are living abroad at the moment and her father said they were thinking about moving back because of her (to care for her/be there for her). He said that they are releaved that she has found someone who cares for her so much. Help! She doesn't like therapy, she has been there before and walked out immediately. I dont think she'll agree to that. She is too head strong. Im sorry that this is sooooo long and that there will be an unbelievable amount of errors! Sorry
  4. Hi all. So I am new to this kind of posting and I really never liked doing this kind of thing either. I need some help though and having your comments would definitely be appreciated. Out of NOWHERE, I was extremely depressed when I woke up 4 days ago. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am extremely in love with but then I started questioning my sexuality. The funny thing is, I am not attracted physically, emotionally OR romantically to females. I never have been. Yes, I think some females are pretty but that's because every girl looks at other girls! I don't feel any romantic, sexual feelings but I am just like, "Man.. I wish I had hair like that." I guess it is more of a competition, jealously trait. Anyway, I have been going through this phase for a couple days now and it is very scary. I have one friend who just turned out to be a lesbian and I think that's totally awesome for her! I am excited that she found somebody to love. I never wanted to be like that either. I tend to over think alot of things and I am a worrier. So I think that is is obviously just a questioning phase that some people go through and yeah, maybe I am curious but the thing is, I wake up every single morning knowing I am straight. The question, "What if?" just roams in my mind. I talked to my grandmother about it, and she told me when she was a young girl, she never had to question herself just because it was not common. Now the media has LGBT stuff everywhere, so of course it causes some people to question themselves and really anaylze everything. My gay friends also told me their gay radar does not go off. Instead, all I scream is straight. Whenever I look at my boyfriend, I feel happy and giddy. We've been together for a year on the 25th and I guess it's scary for me to understand that I can actually have full feelings for someone for a year. I'm thinking I get scared. We've had sex a couple times and let's just say, I am definitely straight for that. I just do not know why these thoughts are going through my head. Maybe I am OCD, or I am just over-thinking things too much? I don't know. I need some opinions and some help. Whenever I talk to my LGBT friends, they tell me they have just known from the beginning that they were. I have fallen hard for two boys so far in my life and those were the feelings that I loved but hated (just because of the heartbreak that follows) I am n a constant roller-coaster ride with my emotions. My pharamist also changed my BC last month that has a bit more hormones in them and I'll apologize in advance but I am also 4 days due before my period. So maybe it is just because of all the crazy hormones, romantic emotions and so on? Anyways, need some help! Thanks alot :-) -k
  5. My problem is a product of an event I never realized was going on, or even had any control over. 18 years ago when I was but a child. My father was out driving his motorcycle in the city one day, when a truck rammed the back of his bike, sending his soaring through the air and smashing himself into telephone pole. Lucky enough a nurse was just driving by and was able to save his life, though not without serious injury of course. He went into a coma for quite a period of time, leaving my mother by herself with two boys to take care of. He eventually awoke from his coma, but he wasn't the same from the head injury. From what has been explained to be he had to relearn many things. He has short term memory loss, and isn't able to work anymore. They didn't stay together of course, he wasn't the same person and no longer cared for my mother and stayed with her 6years after the accident for us. Though my mother eventually left and took me with her. I would visit my father over the weekends as I grew up, but now that I'm older I come to realize it seems as though he bought my love. I can't hate him, though i wish as a child we would have spent much more time together then just doing things that cost money or buying gifts and sh*t. Yet I hated living with my mom, and I didn't want to be with her. I always wanted to lived with him and pretty much hated my life up until I was 12 years of age and she just couldn't take care of me anymore and need me gone, and sent me off with him. I'm diagnosed to have ADHD, ODD (Oppositional defiance disorder), though I chose to not believe it even still you can imagine it was hard on my mother. From even the age of 12-19 he never spent much time with me, and he doesn't very much talk either. Now I feel as though based on them I've grow up the same, and haven't learned enough life skills to keep myself on my feet. For one thing I cannot make much eye contact as well, I give up on every job I get and I don't tend to talk a whole lot yet I feel uninteresting. Like I'll grow only to be alone, I can't keep or even these days find someone I can match up with to have a relationship. I have mood swings and get depressed thinking about this stuff often. I hate the world for the way I feel I grew up, feeling as though I've never had a father to teach me so much of what I should have. People talk about their friendship and experiences with their dad growing up and it makes me metaphorically sick. I don't totally know where I'm going with this, or where to post it. I just need to write it, or to get some advice from someone. Thanks for reading.
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