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I crave love and affection so bad I want to fall to my knees hug myself rock soothe myself and cry. I just... I feel insane. I have an unstable identity. I go from goth to emo to flapper (Me now) to lesbian to straight to bisexual to Christian to Pagan to Satanist to BLAH-and these are just off the top of my head there are plenty more where they came from-looking for it by fitting in with a group (Basically finding it in the group). I suffered from neglect my first 15 months of life by my emotionally unstable (Possibly bipolar) birth mom (I am now adopted). My therapist thinks this is the cause of a lot of my issues subconsciously though I have yet to talk to her of this. I still have communication with her but of course she denies these things even though there are 2 written testimonies-one from her mother (My grandma) who loves her dearly and her grandma (My great grandma) who also loves her dearly-neglect from court (I have them). And my Aunt who baby sat me (No blood relation to her-she's from my dad side-whom my mom divorced) is a a good visual. My adopted parents also said when they got me I looked like I had never been bathed. I just want to be loved and cared for. It makes me want to break down. The worst part is... When I do get love. It doesn't work. It's not enough. It works but like... only for a short time. Then it comes back. I feel.... emptiness.... I feel so messed up. I just want to be stable and me-though I've gotten so confused trying to be loved I have a hard time telling the difference between those attempts and who I am. Anyone relate? Or just also an love/affection craver?

I'm Brittney. I turned 19 today, 3/21/2012. I don't like to be a downer, but often times I can be. I have severe PTSD due to extensive abuse through out my lifetime, I've seen my mother, sister, grandma, little brother, animals and friends be abused, and in the midst of it all I was being abused as well. I never realized it, and when it did I was in shock and couldn't pull myself out of it. I cut myself for three years, and now I have terrible ugly scars all up and down my legs. I've been abused mentally, physically and sexually. I've been abused by multiple people, "Friends", boyfriends, teachers, and mostly peers. I was left alone for a year when I was a child with my father, who was into hard drugs and drinking while his little girl sat in the living room by herself. He is straightening up...but the memory still hurts. (we all make mistakes, and I love my dad) I've always had a weight issue and still struggle with that, I get called fat often...and that has always stung. I saw my mother get severely abused as a child, even though I didn't live with her. She is skitzophranic and tried to kill my sister two weeks after I was born. I've been raped twice in my life by a boy I cared dearly about, he was my boyfriend and he was the sparkle in my eye for a while. I'm still not used to saying that I got raped...and it scares me. Because of all of the conflicting emotions I developed BPD. I am often one way one day and a totally different way the next. I cry a lot, I snap a lot, I smile a lot, I laugh a lot, I get angry easily, but I am very easy to make happy. I'm a big bipolar cycle in a day. I hate that about myself, I want to be happy and calm everyday. I pratice paganism to try to calm my nerves about things, meditate and look for the good things in life. It brings me comfort thinking I can and will do things for myself with a watchful eye on me...but not an invasive eye. (I don't want to get too into religion here) I am also OCD. I believe it is strictly because of the PTSD. I obsess over people, objects, and thoughts. I don't let people touch my things, and I do not let them go once I do. I try to hold on to good memories as much as humanly possible, because of all the pain I have seen and felt. I NEVER try to harm others, and often put their happiness before mine...which I am learning to let go of. I need to be happy for me. I am a variety of things, but most of all I am Brittney. I don't change for anyone but me. I feel I've been somewhat successful in learning who I am, what I need, and what I want. I am very dependant...so being Brittney is still a little scary, but I'm moving along. Thank you for reading <3 it means a lot to me.