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Recently, I have been overcome with periods of intense sadness. Out of nowhere, I will experience crying and feeling completely overwhelmed to the point it sometimes takes an hour to get over it. This is a problem, especially when I am at work or in public. Any kind of slightly emotional thought seems to trigger it. I feel like I am always at the edge of bawling. Here is some background: In the past year, my adult son (23) nearly died in an auto accident, fully recovered, then had a massive stroke last month, fully recovered again, but has a couple more surgeries to go. In the meantime, my marriage with his step-dad has deteriorated quickly due to his unemployment and subsequent bankruptcy. Now I know this seems like a "Duh", but I am not a person who "does" emotions well. I am pretty much of a suck it up type. My meds have been working great this past year and got me out of a multi-year depression, but now I am really irritable and some symptoms of my mania are coming back (high libido, racing thoughts, lack of concentration). Going to start talk therapy again soon and have an appointment with med doc, but what do I call this what I am experiencing? Sadness Attack is the best I can come up with. Anybody else experience this kind of thing?

I've been avoiding this site like the plague for a while. I think. I frankly haven't worked up the courage to check my profile yet, to see when I was last here or what i wrote. But tonight I really need someone to sort of... acknowledge my words? Too know that i have communicated these thoughts to another person and that it wasn't scary. I've been telling myself that I'm faking everything related to metal illness. I've been like an opposite Sherlock Holmes piecing together terrible explanations out of the tiniest things to prove to myself i have been an attention seeking liar all along. (Seeing how this has been during months of isolating myself, I'm almost impressed by how convinced i am that I'm seeking attention!) _____//talk of suicidal stuff!!//________ Two months ago the was a snow storm and i had to travel somewhere by bus. I just gave up, sitting on a bench, wearing just a thin jacket over my clothes, and stayed there for about two hours. At some point in the middle, after i had lost feeling in my hands and while internally berating myself for not admitting just how fine and healthy i was, i could feel the joints in my elbow spassming and laughed out loud at the irony of that. Because i really, really wanted to just stay there and die and never have to deal with anything ever again. (One of me had made a call to tell someone where i was, and they would have found me if I hadn't gone home when I did) ________//done with that subject now//__ I keep losing time and it's so fucking scary. Sometimes i feel like i change into someone else, and my lost time is back, fully or partially, but then the other time is missing. Like there is a partial link between the parts of me that remember different things but can sort of give a few impressions of certain memories. I've been (and am) going through some major real life crisis since maybe spring. So I pressed all my realisation about this stuff, depersonalisation and all, deep down into the bottom of my head. It's starting to come back this week. I think it's because i keep crying in my dreams the last many nights. I haven't allowed myself to feel too much, mainly because there is no doubt i will break if i feel anything right now. I need to not cry until my basic survival is less threatened than it is right now. If i feel things before i know I'll not be homeless I'll just give up completely. But i keep switching to someone/whoever i was a few years ago and i keep feeling this weird dread that time has passed. I feel unreal and exhausted. I don't know what I want with this post. I think I just need to tell someone, again, that the problem i have is identifiable and understandable and that I'm not alone. There is a name for this, I'm not doomed, I'll be okay.

Right now, I am in a hotel room with my 92 year old grandmother with severe dementia and my mother. We are here to try to help sort out my grandparents new living/care situation now that my grandpa has had a serious incident with his heart. I offered to come here, to help, to possibly see my Grandpa for the last time.. To do what I could. But, I guess like anybody would be (BPD or not) I'm stressed.. So overwhelmed. So many things are coming at me, my grandparents aging and inevitable passing and the sadness around that, the difficulty caring for and supporting someone with dementia 24/7, trying to comfort my grandpa who is still very weak and extremely depressed, trying to help my mom work through the myriad of legal and financial challenges/red tape to get them into a nursing home that's affordable and appropriate. That's the backdrop of my current issue. today, the stress became too much for my mom (understandably) and she broke down crying. All I could do was stare and stay quiet. Instead of empathy or compassion, I felt something like annoyance and frustration. I felt cold hearted. My mom and I have our issues, but I love her. I sat there knowing I should be encouraging and caring, knowing we are both struggling.. But I couldn't. This happens sometimes. I'm normally very empathetic and loving, patient., genuine But sometimes, I just can't, and then I worry if I'm a bad person, or cruel, or something? I selfishly just want to crawl under the covers and hide from everyone.. And not deal with anyone else's emotions. I have too many of my own