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  1. Went to my HMO for the first time since my former primary mistreated me. Everytime I would drive up to the building I could not go inside as a panic attack would hit me. Made it thru selecting new glasses, but wanted to run out of there, was having shortness of breathe. Then made it thru pharmacy to pick up scripts and lastly made it thru a flu shot. The Zyprexa is dampening down the run-away anxiety/panic/agoraphobia so far and I found myself very much in the present moment. I was soo proud of myself for making it thru the day
  2. This is what I go thru every day from the moment I wake up: anxiety throughout the day, uncontrollable anxiety and panic only when I leave my home, dissociation in times of high stress and high anxiety and panic, insomnia every night, daily depression, scary cycling mood swings. My psych doc called me on a Saturday afternoon (now this doc is semi-retired and only works 3 days a week now). I was shocked when I saw his name come up on caller ID. He was calling to suggest I go into the hospital until I become stabilized. Stabilized in one week, no way I say. It's gonna take time for that to happen. He said with the dissociation and everything else I am going thru on a daily basis he is worried I might self harm. I assured him I am not at that point and he knows that I call him when I need to go back in, plus I have a new kitten and don't want anyone in my home anyway. I think I can manage all this at home. I will be seeing him on Tuesday. That was soo out of character for him to call me like that, kinda got my attention and am I worse off then I realize. I have known him for 30+ years and he knows me well, so I have to trust his direction. His concern is that I am in the middle of a perfect storm and anything can happen and he worries that if anything triggers me I might not be able to control what happens to me. Then several neighbors stopped by to see if I was okay as they have not seen me last week, curtains have remained closed, not answering phones nor texts. I know I have been avoiding alot of neighbors now as I am selectively avoiding those that trigger me and those that knocked on my door I call them "the axis of terror" for what they have been known to do to other people here. So, I had their phones on block. I have been protecting myself while I work on medication and mood and it's nobody's business. Had a game of RummyKub set up for this evening and really looked forward to this all week, and everyone just canceled, really bummed about that. I have had no interest in bath, washing my hair, eating. I can't focus on TV, can't read, nor listen to my book tapes. No interest in anything, I am soo flooded with anxiety/panic. My HMO has restricted how many benzos I take, I have been on Klonopin for 30 years and that takes the edge off, but have to stock pile them due to the restrictions and delays in getting the medication to me, so had to cut back and that makes my anxiety worse. So, back to my psych doc. The plan is to keep me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg) at night for sleep and for mood control for now during the day until I see him next week. It just sedates me too much if I take more than 1/2 of 25 mg in a 24 hour period. But the Seroquel puts the breaks on mood cycling, I just can't tolerate the side effects, they never go away, just increase. So, I am going to suggest to him for sleep (I want to get off Seroquel due to over sedation and muscle rigidity), Ambien or Trazodone. I read up that Trazodone helps with insomnia, panic, migraine. Then I need a mood stabilizer/seizure medication so may go back on Depakote and Xanax for rescue from intense anxiety/panic. I don't want to go back on Lithium. Goal for the day, making my bed and taking a bath, maybe washing my hair.
  3. Finally came clean with my psych. I am sitting here with boxes of the same item (3) of this and that, that I ordered online and don't even remember I ordered these items. I increased my credit line on my credit cards so I could spend more. I find when I am up late at night I order, order, order and don't remember the next day what I ordered until I get an email that an item is coming. I can't leave my home due to panic and high anxiety. I have to stop spending or I am heading for bankruptcy. My psych doc just started me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg - very low dose due to sensitivities to medication) at night and Abilify during the day. I had taken myself off all my meds and don't know why. I have been having confusion, dissociation, fear of leaving my apartment, insomnia, fear of my mind falling apart. So, with the encouragement of a friend, I came clean and told my psych doc everything that was going on. I feel embarrassed, but I do need help and apparently I can't manage all this alone. He did not judge me, he knew something was amiss due to all the vmails I leave on his answering machine. Thinking back, I have gone thru several traumatic events and this could have probably kicked all this off. I am not in therapy just yet, but I need to be. So, thought I would start here for help navigating all this. Here is the list of the traumas I have gone thru over the past 12 months: witnessed and stopped a brutal assault and went to criminal court as a witness, witnessed the sudden death of a close friend, then right after that went thru a forced move to an apartment I do not like, then had a liver biopsy, have been thru numerous doctors trying to find out what my medical condition is, now I have an impacted kidney stone and facing more surgery, tore my meniscus in my knee but can't get to the ortho for treatment, lost 40 pounds due to not eating and having nausea with all the pain I have had. I only sleep 3-4 hours a night, so hoping the Seroquel will help me get my sleep hygiene back in tact. Hoping the Abilify will help with mood stabilization and anxiety/panic control. Those are my medication goals right now. Thank you for listening.
  4. I tapered of ativan because I felt like it was making me like the energizer bunny. I would start reading a book, 15 min later do dishes, 20 min later go on a run, 10 minutes into the run get tired of it, go inside watch a tv show for 10 min, then do something else. I couldn't focus on one damn thing at a time. Well I refilled the prescription and I felt great yesterday and the day before but now I actually feel more anxious. Not exactly anxiety per se, but almost like an agitation that makes me on edge, makes me worry more. I function better. Showering, cleaning, not daydreaming all day or dissociating. But I just hate the rotten feeling of agitation and not being able to relax. Would a longer acting benzo help? Such as klonipin. This was the same thing I experienced on xanax except no agitation but more energizer bunny and 15 incremental sessions all day. But this time I keep worrying, I can't be patient, little things annoy me. I'm getting frustrated even thinking about thinking about it.
  5. Hi everyone So here's a little background: I have been taking Klonopin daily for 4+ years now. The dosage at first was 1mg a day, increased to 2mg a day, then 3mg a day, back down to 2mg. I was on 2mg a day for the majority of the time using Klonopin. At the beginning of 2018, I discussed with my psych that I want to VERY slowly taper off Klonopin completely, since I feel my anxiety and panic are not as bad as they were, especially with being on Prozac. He agreed, so we tapered very slowly. I would make 25% to 33% reductions every visit. So far I have made it down to 0.75mg a day. That's huge for me! My anxiety is still close to nonexistent, but I do worry about one thing. When I do eventually get off Klonopin completely, will my anxiety and panic come back even though I have been having mild symptoms from tapering that do, eventually go away? Looking for answers from people who have gotten off benzo daily use and successfully remained (mostly) anxiety-free. Thank you very much.
  6. In January of this year I woke up with a panic attack completely out of the blue. Despite several episodes of anxiety and depression in my 20s, my last episode was back in 2008! At that time I went through a year or so of therapy, committed to staying on 30mg of Paxil, and I never looked back. I honestly would have said I was cured! The panic attack led to a period of anxiety that lasted right through February. I upped the Paxil to 40mg and worked with a psychiatrist who suggested adding Lamictal. We started at 25mg for 2 weeks, 50mg for 2 weeks, and then 75mg. I started noticing a positive difference at about a week on 75mg. A few days later, the anxiety and depression just lifted! It was like I had my life back. For nearly a month I felt great, and believed the Lamictal must have made the difference. Unfortunately, it didn't last. About a week ago something minor triggered anxiety in me, and again it has lasted! My psychiatrist recommended going up to 100mg of Lamictal, so I started that two days ago. My question is, does lamictal work and then wear off if it's not at the right level? Has anyone had success with an SSRI and lamictal for anxiety and depression, not related to bipolar disorder? Can anyone offer advice on how to keep the faith with these medication changes, or how to overcome anxiety? Looking for others who get it, and want to help!
  7. So I have been on xanax 1mg two to three times daily for about 1-1.5 years now; Paxil is great and I don't need xanax when on paxil but it makes me manic as hell so that isn't really an option. Been thinking whether Zoloft would be any different.... Anyway, still on xanax same dosage, but just doubled my valium from 10mg at night to 20mg at night because I was waking up from sleep with difficulty breathing and panic symptoms. I asked to try ativan, eliminate the antipsychotic i use for sleep mainly since ativan 2mg really helps with insomnia, and get rid of the valium. Well she said lets try increasing the valium first then we will go from there. Valium honestly does nothing for me. At 10mg I legit feel nothing. It takes at least 40-60mg for minimal anxiety relief. I respect its long half-life but if it's not benefiting much for sleep, or other anxiety problems in the morning I feel like why should I continue it. Switching to ativan 2mg at bedtime could get me off valium and saphris for sleep (would love to not be on an antipsychotic mainly for sleep anyway). Ativan very little to no next day drowsiness, cognitive impairment, lethargy, flat mood. Refreshing sleep is what ativan gives me. Any ideas why the dr might be pushing for valium instead even after I explained it doesn't help for sleep, for anxiety, only thing it is good for is if i dont take my xanax for 1-2 weeks and I wont have a seizure, but my neurologist said lamital should cover that since it's an anticonvulsant. I don't know whether to stay on 2 benzos as the same time, whether it's xanax and valium or xanax and ativan, or to ask for an increase in xanax to maybe 5-6mg/day in divided doses, maybe 2mg twice per day and 1mg once per day, or 2mg 3x a day. My neurologist said if you need to be on these types of medications than it is warranted and pretty much OK in my case. Klonopin sucks, not as much as valium, but it does barely anything for anxiety, esp. panic, or sleep. Makes me have a depressed mood actually, while xanax uplifts my mood and helps me enjoy life without having anxious mood and panic attack symptoms. Ativan just makes me drowsy so I prefer that for sleep. My main question is regarding how i could proceed. Adding ativan, stopping valium maybe saphris, or upping xanax dose and being on only one benzodiazepine. I do have a tolerance so higher doses than 1mg sometimes are needed to stop anticipatory anxiety, avoidance anxiety, and esp. panic attacks. Restoril doesn't help with sleep surprisingly. Never tried triazolam but would love to due to its short half-life and potency/efficacy for insomnia, but my dr thinks it wouldn't be a good idea. Dr says stims may be increasing my anxiety but don't think that is the case. Really want an effective benzo combo or pick to be on xanax only, just at a higher dose. My parents think its crazy to take 3 xanax a day but it's what helps and lets me live life. Somtimes i take more than prescribed because 1mg will not help my symptoms. I just want to be on a stable dose, whether its xanax 3mg xr 1x daily with 1mg 3x daily or 2mg 3x daily. Something has got to give, and the hardest part is even bringing up increasing my xanax dose with my dr because of its bad reputation since everyone seems to abuse it nowadays. I'm ready to take a trip to mexico and take a visit to their pharmacies...
  8. Driving makes me so anxious I can't deal with it. I have panic attacks and some times I disassociate. I've decided that I can't do it anymore right now. My therapist says I shouldn't quit and I need to power through it or the anxiety will win, but it's just too much. Besides, I don't think it's safe to drive when I start disassociating or panicking and not paying attention to the road. There's not always a safe place to pull over if I start freaking out. Maybe I'm exaggerating the safety concerns because I don't want to do it though. I don't know. I know it will be a hardship for my family. My spouse and kids don't drive, so we will be reliant on the in-laws for rides, which makes me feel guilty, but I think it's for the best for me right now. Thoughts?
  9. I have an extreme fear of water. Not lakes or oceans but DRIPPING WATER. Turn off the shower and I panic. I refuse to take baths because I cannot stand to watch the faucet drip. I hate the rain because I hear dripping. I am the same way about anything that CLICKS or TICKS. Hot water tanks, scare the crud out of me because they ‘tick’. My children aren’t allowed to use hot water after 8. My future husband and I just bought our first home together. It has an energy efficient heating system which creates condensation vs. the old heating systems that did not. Well the drain for the condensation line DRIPS into the drain for the wash machine. I heard this and went into complete panic...running out of the house screaming and pure panic. I try to not let my kids witness me acting like this because it’s ridiculous. That is the thing, I KNOW and REALIZE how ridiculous my fears are. Yet I cannot control it. If I hear a drip, tick or click noise I go Into a pure panic. It’s embarrassing. It’s ridiculous, and I’m tired of constantly wearing earplugs and living in extreme fear of noises. I start shaking, my heart races, I get soooo hot, I can’t stop it! I feel nauseous my stomach goes into horrible knots.... I have talked to therapists in the past-they are so quick to offer any medication. I don’t want medication, I want to know WHY I do this? I can’t think of anything from my childhood that would cause this and I have been this way as long as I can remember (I’m now almost 40). Does it sound like anxiety? Panic? Ocd?
  10. Ive tried Paxil which almost immediately made me want to sleep. Ive also tried Clonazepam primarily for akathisia from Abilify which had the same effect at first but after I gained a tolerance just wore me down a little so I take that around bedtime. I'm getting major anxiety and panic from being on an low-dose atypical antipsychotic and from my 1 1/2 year bid in jail, which ended 2 years ago, from a psychotic episode (having flashbacks of inmates, guards, and harsh environment). Additionally, I'm completely restless, suffering from somewhat intense akathisia, and have racing thoughts. Nonetheless, I want something I can take in the beginning of the day that doesn't make me crawl onto the sofa and doze off. I want something that is calming yet not sedating. Something that will gradually turn me into a mental superhero. The only one I've heard of so far is Buspirone.
  11. So one of my best friends (one who doesn't know about my self harm) invited me to a water event. I'm panicking about the recent cuts on my forearm, they haven't fully healed yet, there's still some obvious scabbing. I really want to wear my thin hoodie and shorts, but I feel like that would look awkward. I don't have any water resistant makeup. Plus there's gonna be a ton of people at the event, and if I wear short sleeves, everyone would see.
  12. Hi all I'm new here. I've dealt with OCD and Severe Panic Attacks for over 35 years. Been thru everything. For the last 10 years I have sailed thru life taking my meds and doing a little cognitive therapy on my own daily. About a year ago I started to lose control again and I can't snap out of it. Has anyone had their meds increased as they went thru menopause ? My other meds for like thyroid issues have increased but I have been on the same meds and dosages since 2000 17 years ago. I hate taking meds and feeling weak but the anxiety is debilitating and I just can't function. Any help is greatly appreciated CK
  13. Uhm I was wondering what Panic Attack Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder really are. My therapist said that she thinks I have Panic Attack Disorder and i dont really understand what that means. Of course it has to deal with panic attacks but could you explain exactly what a panic attack is? I don't know if I'm having a Panic attack or something else. If she corresponds to it, I'm 13 years old. Please don't suspect me as a attention seeker. Also, will people think it's weird for me to have a disorder like those? The only disorders some people have at my school are ADD and Adhd. I want to be a detective and will disorders bring me down?
  14. With Anxietyzone gone I'm hoping I can find some constructive feedback from you guys. I have panic disorder with agoraphobia, have been on Prozac, Lexapro and now Zoloft. All three have worked but eventually built tolerance. Would increase dose, achieve remission, poop out, be at max dose and have to switch to a new ssri. Currently dealing with a semi-breakdown. Can't drive over bridges, avoiding wide open spaces, having intense thoughts that I'm about to go crazy, lose control etc...the usual. To my question. pdoc instructed me to raise zoloft dose from 100 to 125. I'm hesitant making such large jumps. So yesterday I increased to 112.5mg. I usually experience activation effects, jitters, agitation which I consider a positive sign because it usually means I will feel the anxiolytic effects after a couple weeks. I didn't feel the activation effects yesterday, when I increased my dosage. Should I be concerned ?
  15. For those of you who experience paranoia as well as panic, how do you cope? I had a bad attack yesterday where I felt something was behind me, and the only way I could feel somewhat safe was to put my back against the wall. This continued until my anxiety meds finally kicked in. I also called my on call facility to have someone to talk to. Anyway, does anyone have any other ideas on how to deal with something like this. It is freakin scary and I would love some answers. Thanks, Poem
  16. Hi, I'm not sure where to start. I would just like the opinions of others on what might be going on with me. I am and have been already seeking help from a doctor(s) for awhile. In June 2016 I had a series of tragic life events happen to me when I was abroad for college. I had a misdiagnosed pulmonary embolism which could have killed me, along with two suicides on my dad's side of the family and law school exams. I had experienced some anxiety as a teenager, which I have just recently realized were anxiety, but they were always triggered by something. When I was 16 I was followed by a car and would not drive to that area of town for at least 2 years afterwards. When I was 17 someone broke into my two neighbors houses and I slept with the light on for a month and developed OCD tendencies of turning the light on and off a certain amount of times. Fast forward to June 2016, I had to quit birth control (which seemed to stabilize me) cold turkey due to the pulmonary embolisms which wrecked havoc on my hormones. I had my first panic attack in late June and remember feeling dissociation, like I wasn't mentally there, fast heart rate, etc. I had multiple panic attacks in the months after which led me to the ER thinking it was another pulmonary embolism and unsure if I would wake up in the morning. Then, when my aunt committed suicide I became obsessed with the idea that because my cousin and aunt did it, it could happen to me too (my paternal grandmother is also bipolar 2). I had intrusive thoughts of suicide non stop for a few months and it was ruining my life and giving me intense anxiety. I ended up deferring school until next year and came back to the US as I couldn't handle these problems while being far from home. In August I started to develop actual depression symptoms where I just lacked motivation and had no appetite. I'd say it was a mild to moderate depression. I still had suicidal intrusive thoughts and could not look at a knife or belt because it scared me to death. I still feel that way on occasion. I started having sleeping problems in September where I can't sleep through the night, have vivid dreams and wake up often but am able to fall back asleep. I started Lexapro in October at 2.5mg and had an increase in anxiety/jitters with each up dose. I also had an annoying symptom for awhile of having song clips replay in my head. I am now at 7.5mg and although I feel my depression has definitely improved, my anxiety has not. I have dissociation nearly every day, especially in social situations. I feel dizzy and my vision is a bit off. I just feel kind of foggy. I also have EXTREME anxiety of being alone. I slept in my parents room every night for a few months until recently because I get paranoid and scared to be alone. Now I am sleeping through the night thanks to xanax (.25mg) and melatonin (2mg) but I need to sleep 9-10 hours and wake up groggy and feel that way most of the day. If I just take the xanax, I can't sleep. Some days are good, others not. I have a hard time focusing and sometimes I will get obsessed with an idea, such as getting a dog and will be quite impulsive and urgent about it. My mom says I have been this way since I was young. I don't know if I just have anxiety and depression or if there is something more. Cyclothymia? ADHD? BPD? I have mood changes, but they are throughout the day and never lasting weeks or months at a time. They are not SEVERE either. For example, sometimes I am more talkative and outgoing than normal, but I do not do anything weird. My sleep also hasn't changed, I always sleep 9-10 hours a night. I know what mania is and I have never been that way, even hypomania seems to be a stretch. Is ADHD similar? I was a hyper kid that talked a lot and needed attention, and always had a hard time focusing in school because I talked so much during class. I'm just trying to look for some insight. I feel lost in this and have an appointment with my pdoc on Tuesday but I'm not sure where to start with her. Thanks for any opinions in advance!
  17. Hi there, Anyone get spooky around windows? I always find my agoraphobia kicking in when I have the blinds up in my flat. I challenge myself by keeping a couple of them up during the day, but some days I can't even do that. Or go outside during the day. I get this rush of anxiety/panic...I thought it might be brought on by seeing people and cars pass and knowing that they could see me. Anyone else get the jumpies around their windows?
  18. I'll try to make this relatively brief, but the context may be longish. I hope this isn't TL:DR because I am really hoping someone will give me some advice (and comfort). My immediate problem is that I keep having sudden, intense, unignorable panic attacks, with my whole body and my mind overcome by a feeling that I am imminently going to leave my body. This is sometimes accompanied by a temporal distortion, feeling as if the present moment is a very slow-motion recall of a past moment of my life--that I am in the process of dying, and reviewing my life. Then my mind kind of goes into a loop thinking about how "now" is always slipping into the past, and how my childhood and everything in the distant past is just barely more than a dream to me. The feeling is as if everything--my whole life--is happening in a moment and also coming to an end in that same moment, and that the more I realize that, the more I realize I'm dying or dead. This is a new phenomenon, but I know where it began. Here's the overall mental (and physical) health context: I know that I have severe lingering anxiety and depression from my adolescent years. I am gay, and I was severely abused by my peers in school, going from a happy childhood to an entirely alienated, friendless, and abusive adolescence (7-12th grades). I developed a deeply entrenched suicidal pathology over those years and in any little uncomfortable situation from that time forward, I began to default to "I can escape this by dying." I made progress after high school, dated (sort of, but never developed any real romantic relationships). I have bad acne scarring and other scarring (I'll get to that) all over my body and these have been hurdles I've never overcome self-esteemwise--and as a result, I've never been able to get close to anyone romantically. I avoided drugs all throughout my youth, but that changed recently because... In my early-mid 30s, I developed a severe neurological disorder of unknown origin. After about three years of intensive medical visits, multiple sclerosis, ALS and other disorders were ruled out. But the symptoms persisted--from partial paralysis to cluster headaches to excruciating nerve and joint pain, fatigue, and panic attacks that I had never had before. I started drinking a lot after this happened, and also started seeing a psychiatrist (at a neurologist's recommendation). For a time, I was having mental visions of my body going over the edge of my apartment building roof, just playing on a loop. It terrified me. My shrink put me on Zoloft, Klonopin, and Wellbutrin, and after about a year she also put me on a low dose (25mg) of Seroquel to help me sleep. Several years later, she told me that I have an adjustment anxiety disorder and possibly bipolar II, but nothing extreme like bipolar I, borderline personality, etc. My health continued to decline and I was drinking even more and wanted to change my life, so after being more or less bedbound (able to work, but that's all--my social life came to an end because of fatigue and pain), I spent about 18 months reading about ayahuasca (a potent psychedelic plant medicine) and took a leap of faith in trying it. It's the first drug I had ever taken, and I did it as a last-ditch effort to regain my life, or at least to come to terms with dying--at that time, my declining physical health really made me feel like I was dying. And I was praying for that, to be honest, because of the pain. My first ayahuasca experience literally severed my interest in drinking alcohol. Since I took ayahuasca, I tend to become nauseated at the thought of being drunk--the thought of it--and I have never had more than three drinks at one time since then--and that's only been once or twice. Shortly after having taken ayahuasca, I was re-diagnosed with Lyme disease, as well as bartonella and babesia coinfections. My doctor explained that Lyme can cause inflammation of the brain and CNS and very often causes severe panic attacks as a result, besides the depression and anxiety that come with being so ill. After about six months on antibiotics, my physical and mental health problems improved 80-90 percent, with intermittent flare-ups. My psychiatrist, who I've seen monthly for six years now, has told me that she has witnessed a remarkable change since I began treatment for Lyme and has since reclassified my diagnosis and told me I've developed a "melancholic" personality, but that I'm not mentally ill in any profound or serious way. She's now encouraging me to be more outgoing. I didn't take ayahuasca for years until this winter. My father had a major heart surgery and I was scared to death about it, and I thought ayahuasca might help me come to terms with the life-or-death consequences. I took it shortly before his surgery and the experience, unlike previous enlightening and life-affirming ones, was terrifying. I had hallucinations that I'd never had before, and I felt (and still feel--the sensation was so real) that I actually died during the experience. And it was terrifying because 1) I didn't want my life to end and 2) I was in this timeless void in which everything was just pure information, and I flashed back and forward on my life and other lives and saw some horrific things--and in the end, it was just too much to handle. I could not believe it when I actually awoke the next morning. When I did, I didn't believe I was alive for the entire day until I finally told a friend what I had done and she confirmed that I was really there. I was grateful for everything, even gravity. So this last ayahuasca experience was life-affirming in the sense that it "scared me straight" and made me want to just live my life. Just live, live, live. Unfortunately, I am still often very unwell because of Lyme disease--but I am better than I was before I found treatment. Now I WANT to live--and paradoxically, that's where my anxiety is coming from. I am no longer afraid of people, but I am profoundly afraid of dying. I got a medical cannabis card because I had read that cannabis can help people who have Lyme. I had never tried marijuana before. I got two tinctures, one very low in THC and high in CBD--and so it should have little to no psychoactive effect. The first few times I took it (a half dose), I felt a mild temporal distortion and relaxed. And then the couple of times I took it after then, this tiny amount of cannabis sent me back into that ayahuasca void and I was certain that I was dying and dead. And since then--it's been a few weeks now--that feeling has occurred spontaneously without any trigger. I'm almost certain I will never take ayahuasca or any form of cannabis again. I'm back on my psych meds, but my psychiatrist prescribed a quick-acting benzodiazepine to treat my severe impromptu panic attacks--and taking it just seriously amplified my panic attack. It's that same thing: a feeling that I am imminently going to separate from my body, and like time is collapsing in on itself. I've even started questioning the reality of the world vs. a "Matrix"-like holographic/imagined reality, and I am so afraid of my death now that it's got me on edge ALL the time. I've never in my life been afraid to die in any conscious way. In some ways, I actually interpret this as a positive thing because at age 38, with a chronic illness that causes a lot of real life challenges, I have never wanted to live more than I do. Yet, in keeping with that, I am afraid that I'm going to lose this life and the people I love. Have I developed some type of dissociative/depersonalization disorder? I keep feeling like I am jumping outside of my body's time, and like I am in extreme denial about no longer being alive, and I'm afraid that at some point I'm going to let go and just zip away from this world. And of course, I know that I am going to die just as everyone else does and there's no way of knowing when it'll happen. But I am scared to death that it's going to happen any time now, and it seems that even benzodiadepines intended to calm panic actually contribute to it now. I feel like there's no way out--but the last thing I want to do is commit suicide, so I guess that's the silver lining? Any words of advice for this crazy person? (Aside from "don't do drugs"! I am fairly certain I never will again.)
  19. I am currently taking antidepressants and I am worried because of the testimonies of people here in this link below. Scroll down and you will find them. Some people are fine even after taking them for many years. But some have their lives destroyed. In particular, I am worried about all my motivation and everything about me being wiped out from these medications. https://prof77.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/testimonies-of-people-destroyed-by-antidepressants/
  20. My honey and I are flying from CA to MO in a week and I'm already starting to panic about flying. I'm terrified to fly and usually get drunk to manage, but his family (who we're visiting) is picking us up at the airport. I don't want to make an ass in front of my future in-laws. I see my pdoc tomorrow, and I wish so badly that he'd prescribe me something to ease my anxiety, but he won't because I drink. I guess get drunk it'll be. FUCK!! I'm still going to beg him for something just to tie me over for the flights out and back. 4 flights in all with the layovers. I HATE this panic and it's only getting worse. UGH.
  21. My boyfriend and I have decided on taking our first family trip, stepping way out of our comfort zone, with our 2 year old daughter. We decided to stay one night in a hotel, and sight see through out the day and on day 2 go tent camping over night at a state park, and hike and explore. I suffer from anxiety really bad, and I'm so nervous my daughter isn't going to enjoy any of this, and she will be throwing tantrums and making the trip kind of unbearable the entire time. I get so nervous even going into stores with her, because I feel like people are staring at us and when she begins to get rowdy or starts to make a scene then I really start feeling very panicked. I have thought about letting her stay the weekend with her grandparents, but I would just be worried she wasn't with us the entire time. I mean, she does good in the outdoors, she likes to explore, run around, play in the dirt, anything outdoors is okay. When it comes to being indoors like stores, malls, restaurants, that's when she throws tantrums and she can't sit still and really gets stubborn. Any advice on what I could do, just to calm my nerves a little bit or what have others done in the past while going on family trips with toddlers would be appreciated.
  22. So everything was pretty calm all day... did my daily routine, couldn't think of anything that would trigger an attack.. I'm taking a shower and all of the sudden i feel faint and have a stabbing sensation in my heart and my arm went tingly ... freaked out , thought i was having a heart attack.. got out of the shower.. started hyperventilating.. i wrote a note to my family and left it on the counter.. just in case they found me on the floor. CC... i didn't have my Xanax with me, so i had to calm myself down by distracting myself. that took 45 minutes and all night i had depersonalization, then had another attack... finally i just went to bed and put my head under the covers... woke up to take my night meds, and bam.. another panic attack????!! i started crying because i felt soo helpless and frustrated, thinking. " will i ever get better?" " Is this always going to happen to me?" i want to feel normal, but it's hard when your symptoms take over and scare the shit out of you. I have heard and have had multiple orgasms... but has anyone ever had multiple panic attacks?? and feel all spacey and out of it after? i haven't had a bad panic episode like this in months. WTF.
  23. It's been awhile since I posted.... I have still been what I think is a mixed state rapid cycle for months now :/ I was on the Trileptal but as it increased it just gave me headaches so bad I ended dup in the ER because it was shooting down my back and neck (It did help my physical problems though) So I already know a number of antipsychs don't work and worsen m physical problem. Depression meds have always revved me up unbearably. Other then Valium my first notable calmness came with Depakote, however like I said before it oddly gave my a weird audio hallucination on a extremely low dose on day 3. So I hung out on the Trileptal for a bit then my psych though maybe Gabapentin would work since the Trileptal was helpful and NO! For others I heard it was a wonder for me OMG I NEVER cycled so fast with mix of slight audio sounds/paranoia I almost went to the ward I was out of it I thought I was on a BAD acid trip and was dying as well. Now he uped my Valium slightly from 15mg to 20mg and want's to start a Low does of Lamictal*spelling? (25 mg twice a day) Anyway for ease of mind is the lamictal going to help with the rapid and mix cycling? I know were all different but I'm still in a bad state after that Gabapentin and don't want to agitate it. My psych only classifies all Bi polar as one so he doesn't classify in the Bi polar 1 or 2 category's and such so he just throws out what med he thinks is needed based on a 1-10 feeling chart. I'm just looking for some reassurance I guess on lamictal as I very drug sensitive. I noticed I'm always in general angry suicidal down but at the same time tried yet hyper ready to go out and do something risky and extreme and get paranoid easily and tend to get delusion (which I kinda like my delusions there the only thing that make the world kind of real and fun) But I can recognize that there delusions I just get caught up in them these are accompanied by Huge panic/anxiety along with some physical problems. I rarely go to just one side of anger or sad. If anyone has the kind of feelings I get what has worked for you? (I know to each is different but just wondering) I hope the Lamictal works but heard it's activating :/ If this collides with anything I wrote in the past I'm sorry since I been trying all these meds I had memory laps ALOT and parts where I be talking then blank out staring (did it infront my therapist and husband) Sometimes I can hear them talking but can't talk can only fumble and stare around. I also started losing how to word myself properly. I even found out at my last ER visit I can't take oxycodone like I use to since my physical problems oxycodone trigger full body shakes that make me bite my tonged lasting a hour and limb jerking (the worse in the neck cause that one hurts) Anyway success story's with lamictal in medicine sensitive people who get mixed/rapid cycles with delusions and anxiety? (excuse the grammar and spelling and format please)
  24. Every morning, my alarm clock goes off at 5:35AM. I always hit snooze until the next alarm tells me it's time to get up. Sometimes, for several minutes, I physically cannot get up out of bed. If I do, I usually stumble to the point of inadvertently smacking some body part against something hard. It hurts, and I am grateful for that. When I arise, thoughts and memories slowly start to trickle in and then a tsunami of depression, hopelessness, desperation and fear at the memory of what yesterday was, and what today will be. I then proceed to weep like a child or a very sad dog. I am mourning the loss of a day that has just started. I know what it will be, and the tears keep falling. I get up so early because I have a job that is fraught with difficulty. My work ethic is rock solid and I always painfully power through it ... red eyes and all. The reason for this despair is my Supervisor. She runs performance reports that are not accurate, and puts me in last place every day whilst playing with the numbers. I take pride is being a good employee. My Supervisor is tearing down my pride. I have run reports of my own, based on her criteria, and I come out the #1 performer of the team. Now she wants me the manually log EVERTHING I do from start time to end time (time elapsed, refuses to allow time increment reports). Every action must be documented on this tracking spreadsheet and the total hours must equal at least 8 hours of work. This started on Monday, and she refused to provide a template or instruction upon request. It is "my responsibility." This has turned my days to hell, as I constantly go back and forth between what I am doing and the tracking spreadsheet. I was diagnosed as the Pure Obsessional form of OCD back in 2013. How do I get out of bed? How can I make this stop? I know what you are thinking: quit, change jobs, problem solved. But it is not so easy. I owe more money in debts and credit cards than I have in my checking, savings, and 401K combined. My net income is less than zero. I don't see an escape. I can't breathe. As I lay down to sleep and begin sobbing, I lie to myself by affirming "everything will be okay," midst the sobs. It is never okay. I talk to my parents about it every day, and it makes me sad to hear their advice. Sometimes it is good advice, but it saddens me nonetheless. This is my current med regimen: Before meal: - Adderall: 15mg - Provigil: 600mg - Choline Bitarate: 500mg - Acetylcarnitine: 500mg With Meal: - Adderall: 30mg - Escitolopram: 2mg - B-Vitamin Complex - Zinc: 50mg - Clonazepam: 0.5mg Then prn Clonazepam throughout the day. What can I do to make this better? I am desperate for ideas. I beg the members of this forum for help. Please, please help me. If you are religious in a non-evil way, please, please pray for me.
  25. I've been managing the last couple months. Have quiet figured out my meds but been managing. Last minute decision we(me and hubby) decided to travel several states away to an event for the weekend. This is the 1st time I have been away from both kids for longer then 16hrs. The panicking and anxiety is threatening to ruin this trip. my anxiety brings around fleeing feelings (mainly wanting to leave my loving and supportive husband. Crazy I know. Depression caused lots of feelings of not 'in love' though I know I love him and overwhelming feelings when trying to reconnect) Not able to eat, hot flashes, cold flashes, and general feelings of feeling I'm losing my mind/going crazy. I'm worried about my kids, the thought of being in this car with just my husband and no kids makes me anxious. Like being forced to reconnect emontionally as just a wife (I'm normally fine if it's all of us.) I'm worried about unforseen events. Mainly anything outside my normal routine. And having the kids around helps me feel more grounded. This event is important to us, plus before the anxiety about came flooding in I thought it would be good to have a trip with just the 2 of us(depression has caused issues with feeling in love with him and connecting with him) Now all I wanna do is run home hug my kids and hide under the bed. I did message my Dr. She thinks it's solely trip related and did encourage me to go and just use my "as needed" anxiety meds to get me through. We are about half way there. I'm trying SOOO hard to fight this. Just needed to vent to people who will understand. I do love my husband. I know I do. He loves me more then I can even comprehend. He tries soo hard. I want so bad to have those "in love" feelings with him again. The thoughts just overwhelm me. I don't want to ruin this trip. Makes me so mad my own mind is trying to sabotage this and my whole life. I miss the happy, in love, wife&mother I used to be. 3yrs ago I'd be holding his hand and singing along with the radio. Nothing changed except what felt like a light switch got turned off and now it's impossible to find and turn the light back on. Sorry so long. Justneeded to get this out.
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