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  1. I will try to keep this brief. I was always depressed and my senior year of college (a year ago) I had a major psychotic break where I literally thought I was flying through the universe. I was hospitalized in for two weeks, and I have been trying to fine tune my meds. I am working closely with my Pdoc, but am getting very discouraged. Any input would be appreciated. Lithium is what brought be out of my mania, and I have been on 900mg er every since. I have gone thru Latuda. Could only get to 60 mg. I took with food, but still felt ill most of the time. Cannot take Lamictal due to headaches. Tried Vryalar and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I am now up to 4mg of Rexulti as of last weekend. My Paranoia is the highest it has been since my hospitalization. Saw my Pdoc Friday and he said too soon to tell on the increased dosage and I can go from 7. out of 10 to 3 out of 10 in a matter of minutes. He added a small dose of Lexapro to help with my depression. Rexulti has been the best drug from a side effect profile. If I could rid myself of the paranoia I would almost be normal. Does anyone have any suggestions? Really appreciate it.
  2. Thursday night was scary for me. I felt a mood suddenly ink in and I think I may have been hallucinating or dissociating due to the anxiety I was experiencing. I actually saw out of the corner of my right eye a face that was letting out all the angst I was feeling. It was a tortured hideous expression, and as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and I could feel all those churning emotions inking back into me. Soo weird !!! Was this dissociation, am I now BiPolar, what in the heck happened to me? Never had this, this intense before. I was afraid of........ me. I don't have a clue what triggered all this. I could tell something seriously was wrong, so what do I do? I go straight to the computer and go to my favorite site to order things I have never been able to afford before as that is one technique to self soothe, only I went overboard. Yes, I extended my line of credit one late night and now I am buying things that I don't even remember, even two or three of the same item. I am now busy returning most of them. However, there are items I have wanted for sooo long that I am now buying, I won't even go into the items I am sending back, way to embarrassing, lol. What scared me the most was the enormous scary mood swing, out of the blue, the mood was bigger than life to me. I could hear my psych doc telling me what to do as going thru a mood swing like this your body can tolerate extra medication, so I took 1/2 of a 25 mg Seroquel and it did nothing to stop the mood, so 1/2 hour later, I took another half of the 25 mg and it worked, within 30 minutes I was out and I slept 14 hours, woke up in a completely different mood, a completely different person. I had to say to myself this morning when I woke up, who was that person last night, I didn't even recognize myself and what I went thru. What a difference a good nights sleep does and strong medicine to help me get to and stay asleep. Wondering now if I am BiPolar because I heard that only a solid 12 hours of sleep will break cycling and I was definitely cycling last night. I have been coming down from Zyprexa due to extreme vertigo, so wondering if this may have been part of what happened to me. I also have reduced the Klonopin due to issues with my HMO and have had to stock-pile them, which leaves me wide open for more anxiety. Lately, my mood and anxiety/panic have rendered me housebound and even sometimes too fearful to get out of my bed. Update: Last night felt extreme paranoia inking in, back at the computer ordering things I don't even remember ordering as I see notices coming thru my email account, so took a full 25 mg of Seroquel and within an hour, the paranoia was gone and I slept straight thru 14 hours until this morning. This morning feeling less paranoid, more grounded and a bit sedated due to the Seroquel. Will see how the day progresses and if the paranoia and dissociation occurs again tonight.
  3. So I saw my psych doc today and he feels the best reactions I have had to control most all my symptoms are in this class of medications. Where I do not like this "named" class, I will give this one drug one more try. I have been on them all but this one. All the others I can take for short bursts of time. We are trying to find something I can take long-term. Starting tonight with 20 mg of Latuda. I also asked for Cogentin to help with the horrible muscle spasms and rigid muscles. Mail order will eventually get me the Trasadone to help with sleep and Cogentin for muscle issues. I asked for Xanax and he wouldn't allow that since it's too short acting. I tried to convince him I need something for emergency purposes and he still said no. It's been 6 months since I have seen my psych doc and in 40 minutes he went thru all my back history, last 30 years to try to find something to help me. He also wrote to my landlord stating that my new kitten is my therapy cat and can therefore not charge me any pet deposits nor fees. I love him for doing that for me !!! So, after 35 years of treating me I asked... am I BiPolar or what am I? He said basically I suffer under the umbrella of chronic PTSD, tramatic brain injury and childhood abuse. The symptoms I continue to have will not go away, but need to be treated, great, huh? At least he was truthful. Settling in for the long-haul or what's left of my life. Somehow I was magically under the illusion I would be cured, lol.
  4. Hello everyone! Where to begin... I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now). Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt. Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding. I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join). The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
  5. I don't know if I should class this symptom; is it a facet of bipolar disorder, or just ingrained negative thinking patterns, or an enduring part of my personality? I am paranoid of people I work with. Sounds silly, and usually perfectly sane people have trust issues around people they work with because of backstabbing, gossip, office politics etc. etc. I guess what I found different is that it seemed to be because of my mood. A few days before my period I was hyped up and mildly agitated. I was training new people who were just lowering the bar of expectation for me. Basically they were insubordinate, seemed to not trust anything I told them, walked away several times in the middle of me training them, asked other coworkers the same questions they asked me (to which they gave them the same answer), and became very defensive when I told them to pay attention. They made some comment about how they studied psychology and understand people. I did not like training them because they were doing poorly, and not grasping anything, and then trying to blame me for their screw ups. Another trainee had this inability to shut-up, and listen. He got reamed out a few times by a couple of coworkers for major infractions. Instead of not doing said behavior repeatedly, he blamed someone for calling him out on it. The other screw up trainee started bashing on this coworker, calling them a snitch and a rat. The trainee had never even met this coworker. I was pissed. I decided to be a rat and told my supervisor. I spoke with the other coworker who was bashed on that if they wanted to call anyone a rat they can come to me. I was kind of feeling ramped up at this point, plus it was a day before my period. Not to mention I am on a diet and trying to cut back on coffee. My period hit and I calmed down a little; but then I got super agitated after the person I trained showed up at work after being told they were getting fired. I vented to my supervisor. And as expected they screwed up so royally, they are now under investigation by the client, at the very least. I started feeling down. I started thinking I was going to get fired for saying something and about the bullying and shit behavior. I kept my professional demeanor on but on the inside I felt like everything was my fault. I started thinking in a depressive way where everything was empty and I was just felt really down with paranoia. Some really minor non-eventful things happened and I felt like people were conspiring to fire me. A coworker who I barely knew didn't say hi to me, and then I thought they hated me and were trying to get me fired. By Wednesday I was at the doctors office and was advised to go down 50mg, from 300mg to 250mg of Lyrica. My other med is Zoloft 100mg. I am feeling better. I just rested as much as possible on Wednesday, and I was in a much better mood by Thursday. I am new to accepting my Bipolar II diagnosis. I was advised to add abilify to the mix but I had tried that drug before and reacted with extreme anxiety and agitation (akithesia). After a brief psychiatric assessment with a really good doctor I was also advised to try Latuda, or Lamotrigine to my cocktail. I am not sure of either and I am worried I'll be activated, or something will just go wrong in my adjustment to the new meds that will put me out of work, and just render me useless. My other worry is my bipolar II diagnosis might be off, but I think it might be accurate. To remedy the situation I asked my doctor to sign me up with the psychiatrist as my regular pdoc. He is very good but I might have to wait another year or so. They also put me on a waitlist for a med assessment at the local mental hospital to help in the interim. I do feel I have some good coping skills in place that are in tune when things are changing for me. I have a pretty decent support network too. I just don't know what to make of my thinking patterns and negativity. It seems so ingrained I am not sure if it is just me or bipolar disorder. Edit: Considering new meds. Not sure where to go in terms of what to add/ remove. Will keep lamotrigine and latuda in mind. Depakote was mentioned as well. Is abilify calming at higher doses? I took a low dose once and found myself feeling so anxious on it. Absolutely could not sleep.
  6. Hello there, my name is Spokety. I"m having trouble dealing with my paranoia. I've been hospitalized way too many times in the past couple of years, especially recently. My symptoms are hard to treat because I'll have 0 paranoia and delusions for months and then all of a sudden I'll believe all these things and next thing I know I'm in a hospital. I've ran down the street naked a couple of times as a "protest" for what I believed was a government that was purposely trying to torture me using anti-psychotics. Another time I tried to go to jail by assaulting a woman in a grocery store. It happens so fast it's so hard for me to control myself and it seems pointless to see a therapist because I'm not paranoid at this moment so I don't know what to talk about. Therapists say that they don't think I can be treated without anti-psychotic medication but I've had some of my worst paranoid thoughts when I was taking medication orally or by injection so clearly that's not a solution. Plus I have side effects of medications that make life a living hell and I'd rather die then live like that. The only medication that doesn't seem to be as damaging is anti-anxiety meds, but I don't know if those will even help with paranoia or delusions. I don't hear voices or have hallucinations which is good, but the other things I have are very bad.
  7. Three days ago I felt like there was mold growing in my brain and it was controlling my thoughts. I am now in a time of feeling a little less crazy, but I know in 30 minutes that might change again. Yesterday, I was waiting for someone to drive me home from church and I started believing the whole church was a cult and all religion is a mind control cult, which some people believe this but its not normal for me. I grew up in church. It made me feel very afraid. Then I started believing that demons were in my brain because of the mold in my brain. I tried to call my old pastor about this and he just reassured me that this is a mental health issue but I cant trust him. I cant trust anybody right now. The only person I trust is my therapist I am seeing tomorrow. I feel like something catachlysmic is coming. The last week every morning I check the news on my phone to see if a nuke hit. I feel like I'm one of the only people going to heaven and I am having a hard time trusting anyone else. I have also been having weird dreams, nightmares. I have lost touch with my normal self. I take geodon and feel less paranoid but that wears off after a few hours. Ativan helps too, but not that much.
  8. So basically im dead inside. I currently being emotionaly dull, i cant feel any motivation or desire to live, despite that im still doing my everyday things, going to college, working out, doing my usual duties and chores. The thing is that i have an schizoid disorder, and im very paranoid. I posted in addiction because one of the most destructive things is my addction to many things. I smoke, not weed, regular cigarettes, the thing is that my parents think that i quited smoking but i dont, i wanna quit to, i hate it, and i hate it because my parents are well known religious leaders in my town and a lot of people know them and know me, when i smoke outside im always paranoid, i dont wanna live this way, my paranoia is getting worse but i always end up smoking again because my friends smoke and i always fall but i wanna quit. If my parents get to know that i still smoke they probably stop paying my colleges fees, a lot of people know them and can snitch on me. I have this fight, i cant keep going anymore, at the same time smoking helps me cope whit my side effectos made by my antipsychotics, but they dont understand, they always judge merciless even do im an adult in my twenties. Can anyone give advice, all advice is very helpful.
  9. Hi, I'm going to briefly describe my experience and see if anyone can relate or maybe if no one can that can answer my question about whether or not schizophrenia is a possible diagnosis for me. Basically, I have been in and out of therapy since I was 14 (I am now 25). Initially I was in talk therapy for what I perceived as depression. When I was 18 I had a really bad night that felt like it was brought on very suddenly. WARNING: potential triggers; describing paranoia and thoughts of self-harm I became convinced I was going to cut my fingers off. I had been feeling off for most of the night and it came to a head when I lay down in bed to go to sleep. I could not for the life of me get these thoughts out of my head and it was almost like someone was telling me to go ahead and do it. Now, I want to be clear. I did not hear an audible voice. It was much more internalized. However, it did still feel like something was telling me to do that. My mother had previously dealt with an anxiety disorder and continued to take medication for it. I went to her in a panic and told her, embarrassed, that I was sure I was losing my mind and was going to cut all of my fingers off even though I didn't want to. Thoughts along the lines of these ones continued since then. I thought people could magically kill or hurt me simply by touching something I was going to drink or eat. I hated when certain people would touch me and would think a lot of people were out to get me. I went to a psychiatrist since my therapist and mother felt I needed to go, along with myself feeling this way. She ended up diagnosing me with OCD anxiety and later just OCD as I continued to show symptoms involving checking certain behaviors. I went on a low dose of medication and became paranoid about that and discontinued use. Recently my paranoia has been exceedingly bad. I have not been able to sustain a relationship romantically as I always seem to get paranoid about people's intentions and behaviors (i.e. thinking people are obsessed with me, following me, or planning to physically harm me). I do not think my paranoia was totally unwarranted in some cases as some behaviors were unhealthy, but my responses to circumstances were blown up to a big extent. I constantly validate my feelings with others and am often told I am wrong. This is my problem. I do not feel like I have OCD. I'm not sure my current psychiatrist does either. We seem to be treating symptoms but don't really have a diagnoses. We have described it as depression, anxiety, paranoia and catastrophizing situations and ADHD. I haven't told her everything I'm feeling yet, but she prescribed me Zoloft and Risperidone since she wants to treat the paranoid thoughts. The Risperidone is at a very low dose and it seems to be doing something although my symptoms are not completely gone. She then added Adderall in the mix to treat my ADHD although she wants to take it slow with all the medications because there are a few different variables at play here. I am not trying to say I am schizophrenic. I don't necessarily think I am but I do have questions and am trying to learn more since what I describe as anxiety doesn't seem to really line up with how I have seen anxiety portrayed in many other people. I don't seem to have the physical symptoms of anxiety or typical anxious thoughts, but rather just display different forms of paranoia both with potentially realistic situations and very unrealistic situations.. I am just wondering about a couple of things: 1- I often get trapped in my own head and space out and feel I can't control my thoughts which are often negative in nature and putting me down or telling me someone is going to hurt me or that something in the universe is sending me a sign. That is when I get anxious. What I am wondering is could this be a sign of delusional thinking or does it sound like it could be a form of OCD instead of psychosis? 2- What does it feel like to hear voices? Do you physically hear them in your ears or is it more internalized thoughts that converse with you? 3- Are there warning signs for schizophrenia or related disorders that I could be exhibiting or is it generally pretty clear when someone has the disorder? I hope none of this is offensive. I am just starting a new mental health journey and am trying to understand the symptoms that I'm dealing with. I was hoping someone could tell me if I'm thinking incorrectly or if I'm possibly heading in the right direction with my thoughts?
  10. For those of you who experience paranoia as well as panic, how do you cope? I had a bad attack yesterday where I felt something was behind me, and the only way I could feel somewhat safe was to put my back against the wall. This continued until my anxiety meds finally kicked in. I also called my on call facility to have someone to talk to. Anyway, does anyone have any other ideas on how to deal with something like this. It is freakin scary and I would love some answers. Thanks, Poem
  11. Hello, Warning: This is a really long post. The weird/bad stuff: So, while my Schizoaffective Disorder is mainly controlled by 3mg of Risperdal twice a day, I still have some weird things happened that I was wondering if anyone else experienced. I hear people calling my name ALL OF THE TIME. I will literally be on the bus and someone will be on their phone through a Bluetooth or something and I will look up and say, "I'm sorry, how do you know my name?" or "Did you call me?" or something. I will be sitting alone and hear my name, watching TV and hear it on the TV, etc. Or I think people are talking to me when they are not. Same thing with people on the bus, walking down the street, etc. I just hear things that are really not directed at me. One time I thought a woman said I dropped my money. I looked around and asked her what she said. She looked at me like I had thirteen heads. Also, I still hear voices sometimes. They are triggered by certain things. I don't self-harm any more, but on the rare occasion that I do decide to shave my face, they ramp up. Or if I see any razors in the house. Also, in the bathroom, when I'm alone(which is a lot!), when I'm under stress, or if I don't get a lot of sleep. They aren't as intense as they were before. They are more...random. I've started to hear a British voice. I have NO idea what the hell that is about. I have just random chatter that pops in sometimes. They used to be more direct, more command hallucinations. Now it's more like this...hmm. I'll be totally fine and in comes the most random shit. I'll just be sitting there and, I wish I had an example but it's 5:40 am and I can't think of one, but a voice will be like, "Hawaii has warm weather and there's a chicken in the cupboard." What?? Another thing. I get random delusional/paranoid/strange thoughts. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAL. My brain has this ongoing fight with me that my room mates have cameras in the house and they are watching me to make sure I am doing well. I counter them with fact checking. I'd see the cameras, it's not realistic, etc. My brain also tells me that my room mate is watching my browsing history, what I type, my journal entries on the computer, because I am borrowing her computer and somehow she can control that. Also, IT'S NOT REAL. But that thought pops into my head CONSTANTLY. More stuff. I am afraid aliens are going to abduct me. I've had that fear since I was a kid. I am afraid that if I think about it they will just show up and take me! I kind of have this delusion that they or some other supreme being are in my head constantly. So, I've started praying. I feel like if I don't pray before I eat bad stuff will happen. I feel like when I do pray, good things happen. When I don't, bad things happen. Somehow, that it is connected to aliens because that is somehow connected to the all powerful supreme being. I feel like they are in control of everything and I am being controlled and punished. It is TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND NOT REAL. Ugh. The Good: Depression wise, I am doing the best I have in almost 6-7 years. My command hallucinations are under control, my suicidal urges are under control. I am motivated, taking care of my activities of daily living. I help my room mates take care of their animals, I do chores, I make appointments, I pretty much go somewhere in the city where I live via public transportation everyday despite my physical and mental health problems. I was in college and getting all A's, but had to withdrawal because of medical health problems. I am not letting my mental health issues stop me. So, I am thinking about bringing this post to my therapist this Wednesday. Honest opinions, folks: good/bad idea? Will I get sent to a hospital? I didn't bring it up to my Psychiatrist last week because I was afraid of being involuntarily committed or put on a sedating medication. My Psychiatrist is really nice and said if I needed to see her sooner, I could. I told her about the voices and that I didn't want to be put on another medication. She said it was fine. However, I am afraid that these symptoms will get worse and debilitating. I want to catch them while they are at the stage where I can handle them. Thanks for reading!
  12. So first of all i am 18 years old so i can smoke cigarettes legally,bit i still live whit my parents and they don't know I smoke. I smoke because it takes away my general anxiety and is currently the only thing that can give strength and desire to do things, so I make my life lessmiserable, the problem is that sometimes even taking my Seroquel I have hallucinations about seeing people that know me or know my parents when I smoke, there were all hallucinations until yesterday. I was walking to college when a guy that knows me and my parents was behind me, at first I fought it was an hallucination but then I saw it was real,quickly I throwed the cigarette away and waited for him to come, I said hi and the we say goodbye and he left. Buy Idon't know if he saw me smoking, today that guy went to my dad class at church and it seemed he didn't told my dad anything but maybe because he didn't want to say it. I'm loosing my mind, im the son of a Pastor, and if they know I smoke a lot of baf things can happen. What can I do. I don't wanna stop smoking so please dont say I must stop smoking.
  13. Sometimes I get really bad anxiety when I have to go somewhere. I went to a play once and could not handle the anxiety. I had to take .5mg clonazepam to calm down. Basically I felt like everyone was watching me, like the orchestra section was staring at me. I just could not get comfortable without a med. Is this plain anxiety, or something else? I go to an event like this and I feel like the spotlight is on me and everyone is staring at me. I'm not even in the play. Move to the anxiety section if need be.
  14. This works allot for me, in instances of "he's gunna kill me" "I'm gunna be arrested, captured", etc ... Just to give in the fact that whatever is gunna happen, is gunna happen regardless and you're gunna die soon anyway so just enjoy your time before it does.. this helps ! But not in instances of someone I know is a pedophile etc.. these things I really try to convince myself are me being "delusional" , cause I don't want to believe it but I do, might convince myself I'm delusioning for a minute . Been paranoid about innapropriate relationships lately. Idk how to deal w it, wanna kill someone. Whether they're real or not, sometimes you just want things out of your head, amirite
  15. Hey guys I need your help! The past week and a half or so I've been getting progressively more paranoid and it's getting to the point I have panic attacks as I get ready to leave the house for work. I don't feel safe at work and am so stressed that I block out the majority of the day and have no idea what I do. When I shower the Shadows start chattering just quietly enough that I can't make out the words but I feel threatened by them, and they scramble my thoughts as I try to work. My pdoc just added Abilify 5mg to my meds in addition to Risperdal 3mg, Lamictal 200 mg, and Effexor 150mg. Have any of you had success with Abilify reducing paranoia? How soon might it work? I'm really struggling to get myself out of the house and to put in a day at work. I cry on the way there and usually on the way home too from the fear. I feel like they're plotting to capture me for experimenting. I don't know what for but I feel like they will keep me. Please help! Thank you so much!
  16. I don't know if anyone else experiences this particular worry but when I'm driving I won't use my windshield wipers unless I see other people using theirs. It's like I'm embarrassed and feel out of place if I don't act exactly the way they do, even though I know that no one is even paying attention to me anyway. I have many quirky things I worry about but this one struck my wife as particularly odd.
  17. I am mainly wondering where the line is between paranoia and anxiety is, but also where delusions fit in, for the sake of accuracy when I discuss things with my doctor. I will, of course, discuss in detail what I am experiencing with him, but I would like to call things by the correct name so I don't sound like I am either being dramatic or downplaying my experience. Our meetings are barely 15 minutes, so I want to be very clear with him. For example, I was recently very concerned and had a minor panic attack because I thought that my auto repair garage was going to try to kill me by messing with the fuel tank in my truck (which I took to them for repair) as revenge for them having difficulty finding a replacement tank. While I was waiting, they kept talking in the office between themselves about how other automobiles have suddenly exploded or caught fire from fuel leaks. At the time I took this as a threat. The worst of the feelings lasted only about half a day, but I am still anxious that they are going to rig my truck to catch fire/explode. I become so concerned by the end of the day that I had trouble talking to people or even doing everyday things. I am also constantly worried about the police raiding my house (I have done nothing wrong and have nothing illegal in my house). I have talked with my girlfriend about my fears, and she says they are not logically sound. I don't know whether to call these things severe anxiety, paranoia, delusions, or something else. The distinctions between these are not clear to me. Can anyone help clarify the medical distinction between the these, as you understand them?
  18. it's been years and my agoraphobia has been on and off... i am not quite sure how to get rid of it. i'm currently on a cocktail of meds... they keep me calm... but when i am out of the house.. the intrusive paranoid thoughts come and i seem not to be able to get a grip on them. I think of really bizarre stuff and it makes me question if its real or not.. like it feels real... is my imagination that good at tricking me? i thought the sky was going to fall on me once and that the road was going straight up and it made me very dizzy. does anyone else get those weird thoughts or distorted thinking?
  19. Hey folks. I had a strange event 2 years ago and I'm still trying to get out of the hole that I'm in. I had a sudden increase in depression, crying, and paranoia. Started having crying spells, usually about the topic of "healthy parent-child relations." By that I mean if I saw, or thought about, or saw a story on TV about a "touching" family event, I'd totally start bawling. I did not have that problem before that, to that extent. Human interest stories are particularly bad for me. I can also just sit and think about various things(parent-kid stuff) and I will cry. The worst is probably being in an environment where I can't "escape" and hearing a song that is a trigger. I will lose it every time. I've increased my lithium dose, which seemed to lower the crying. Added a little Brintellix which seemed to help only a tad. We(me and 2 professionals) are trying to figure out if this is just a biological thing or if this is a core "issue". Either way, the crying seems very exaggerated. Even if I'm facing a problem I need to deal with(like changing a tire) I nearly get into tears. Bummer as I can't work, there is always music in every workplace that's pervasive. Is the crying purely biological or a legacy family issue?
  20. Hello Everybody It's my first time on this board and it looks like the right place for me with my current condition so I just wanted to say hey A little about me : I'm 23 years old and recently after developing psychosis :/ (about 3 weeks ago) and its really freaking me out ; racing thoughts, paranoia, delusional thinking, inability to form a sentence when talking to people, hard to concentrate when people are talking to me as my mind would race, fear people were judging me , isolating as a result, and to top it off , a bad bout of insomnia because ofthe racing thoughts. (I would have went to bed at 11pm and not be able to sleep till 6am next day out of exhaustion) I didn't know what to do , so I walked ( very clumsily) to my local A&E and was in an absolute mess when I got there. I told the receptionist I needed to speak to a psychiatrist ASAP and they said to wait in the waiting room , which I did and took only a half an hour but it felt like an eternity because I was just beginning to experience mild visual hallucinations , which kind of freaked me out even more.. So I met with the psychiatrist and he reccomended I take Olanzapine, which I did for 3 or 4 days but I didn't see any improvements in my thinking processes from it. It just seemed to make me hungry and sleepy.. So I discontinued it, and that was about 2 weeks ago and the jumbled thinking was still there. It seemed to be worse during the morning than at night for some reason.. So after 2 weeks, and no improvements , I went to my local doctor and they precribed '' Klonopin AKA clonazepam '' ''0.5mg take 1 - 2 twice daily '' I took one 0.5mg clonazepam tablet about 10 hours ago as of this writing and I must say i feel sooo much better , it is after making some difference. The intrusive thoughts I was having have somewhat subsided , if I were to put it on a scale : before it was 80% , now it feels like its down to 20% . My racing thoughts are no longer racing nearly as much and I feel little anxeity around having psychosis after taking this newly prescribed medication.. Now after doing a little bit of research on this new drug the Doc prescribed me, it is generally for short term use and NOT as an antipsychotic med per se... AND , after a little more research, withdrawls from clonazepam seemingly can actually INDUCE a psychotic episode and hallucinations!! So I don't know what to do now going forward.. I would prefer to avoid medication if at all possible, and go down different routes that seemingly help, like CBT, regular exercise, group therapies etc, I have hope for the future at the moment , though I am aware that I am writing this after takng the new medication for the first time ,so my thoughts and feelings when I wake up tomorrow morning could completely change :/ So thats me, I'm happy to be part of crazyboards, Thank you Joe
  21. I'm not sure if this falls under depression but since that is my current official DX (along with social anxiety/OCD) I will put it here. Does anyone else feel like they are being watched or spied on? I mean like I'm siting at the computer and I will turn around quite often as I get the feeling someone is there watching me. I will watch the reflection in the screen to make sure sometimes. Alternatively I start thinking maybe someone has hidden a spy camera in my room, or in the shower, etc. I keep my computer webcam covered up because I worry someone could hack into it and start watching me. Maybe the government or just some random pervert spying on me. I often think "what if someone can see/hear what I am doing right now, I would look pretty silly". Another example is if I wake up at night to pee then I need to turn my bedroom light on and check all around the room to make sure nobody is hiding there watching me before I can get back into bed. I know these thoughts are irrational and it is highly unlikely anyone is watching me. Quite frankly I'm not important enough and my life isn't interesting enough to be worth spying on.... but even so I can't shake the feeling. I also can't help but wonder if these feelings are normal? Or if they are caused by anxiety and depression, or if it is something else??
  22. Tip

    Thought Knot

    From the album: Tip's Mind 1

    This one is about when my thoughts are all twisted and knotted and I'm having lots of anxiety. My thoughts are twisted into a knot.
  23. Lately I've become rather convinced that anytime I say something out loud I "jinx" myself and cause it to fail. For example, if I were to say "I'm going to see this movie tonight" I feel that by saying that I will cause some unforeseen circumstance to derail my plans. My logical brain wants to believe it isn't true although I can actually name several instances in which things have gone awry only after I voice these plans to others, or even if I acknowledge them to myself. It's reached a point at which I am afraid to even think about certain things too hard for fear that I will ruin my own life with my thoughts, but my damn bipolar mouth prevents me from disclosing details about my life and plans before I end up saying them to someone (or several people depending on how manic I am). Then it always gets messed up somehow, like I was excited to take my sister to a meet and greet for one of her favorite bands for her birthday, I was so pumped that I told several people about it and then...yesterday the band announced that the event is 21+. So I'm convinced now that this happened because I said it aloud. Anyways, I can't quite tell if I'm having delusions or what's really going on is several unfortunate coincidences. I am now questioning things from my past like "did that relationship end because I was so sure that it wouldn't?" or "did my band break up because I told so many people that I was sure we would be successful?" or "did that friendship end because I was so confident that it would last forever?" or if I mention any creative pursuits to people I will suddenly lose interest in completing them. It's strange and fucked up and I'm literally becoming too paranoid to think my own thoughts or to voice them to my loved ones. But again, my bipolar brain causes me to spew these things aloud and ruin things for myself. I probably sound crazy. By the way, I'm taking 200 mgs of Lamictal and am still having episodes as I don't think my doctor and I have found the right medication(s) for me yet. Hope you all are having a good new year so far, and I would appreciate any feedback or similar experiences you all can offer.
  24. I recently had a fight with my girlfriend, and it got me to reading about projective identification. I was reading things about MIs like Borderline/Narcissistic PDs and behaviors like mobbing, projective identification, and it seems like: A) There are a high number of people, close and not close, in my life who have these MIs B) I am the victim of their pathologies and also of these general behaviors I know that people are probably thinking I'm getting trigger happy with dxs, but I think in my personal life I attract them/am attracted by them. It kind of freaks me out to think about. Like maybe I have a PD myself or (and I think this is certainly true) there's something wrong with me that makes me the constant victim to this behavior. Am I being crazy or could this really be true? I read that the abusive behaviors people with these PDs exhibit would be targeted towards someone no matter what, but I, throughout my life, feel singled out in this regard. I am the one who gets ganged up on and abused. And people, who normally seem okay, don't seem to care. Am I just totally fucked up, or is humanity/society fucked up (I live in the US), or both? I'd be happy to answer almost any questions about my circumstances, why I've come to the conclusions I have, etc. It's really disturbing to me.
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