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I’m caught up between my boyfriend and my ex. I spent the night with my ex the other night due to some family issues and I just needed out of the house. My ex is caught up into some bad stuff. Drugs, selling, drinking, smoking weed. There’s never really a time he’s TRULY sober. When I spent the night my boyfriend didn’t want us sharing the bed, but we did. His excuse was I don’t want another man in bed with my girlfriend yet his friend laid on the bed when he left so we could watch OITNB together. My ex cuddled me that night, and started to get me in the mood by rubbing my legs….it felt so amazing but I didn’t give in. I even had him meet my boyfriend before that night so he’d know who I was staying the night with. I fantasized about my ex, I still do, I just wanted his hands and lips all over my body…..but he screwed me over in the past when he left me for his ex. Last night, I got into it with my boyfriend. I put everything on the table. He knows I still like my ex and redeveloped feelings for him. I didn’t plan to, no one plans these things. My boyfriend is very shy and reserved. And totally not confrontational, so that’s something that doesn’t make me feel safe….what if something were to happen and I needed him to defend me? He’s so sweet and god to me. He reminds me how beautiful I am. He helps me with my family issues and my anxiety and depression. Etc. Last night when I was upset and crying I was at a friends house, and he was going to walk there when I was upset in the wee hours of the morning so I’d feel better. I wanted him or my ex. No one else… I see my boyfriend and I having a life together, kids, etc. He works, he doesn’t do drugs anymore, and he’s an overall good guy. I got mad at him for not ever getting mad at me for one, last night. Because of what happened with my ex and I. He said it’s because he trusts me, which is great but he can still get mad….I didn’t do anything with my ex. Believe me, I wanted to. But I held off….right now my ex and I are kind of mad at each other, again. We do this every time. We fight, forgive each other and are fine again. And it’s over and over….My BPD makes me attach to people easily, so when one person isn’t giving me attention and someone else is, there I go getting attached. My boyfriend’s roommate won’t let me see him at their place anymore, he’s working when I’m not. Or I’m in school when he’s not working. One of us is in the mood when the other isn’t. He’s the first and only guy I’ve slept with and my first real adult relationship. I’m his first girlfriend since he is so quiet and reserved too./….I don’t wanna give my boyfriend up because I’m pretty sure guys like him are dime a dozen and I don’t think I could find that again. I’m totally comfortable around him too. I’m semi comfortable with my ex since we didn’t last as long….this is also the longest relationship I’ve had. Coming up to a year… What should I do…? I feel like I’m hurting him…