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Found 7 results

  1. So someone tried breaking into our apartment while we were home, twice in the last week. I am so keyed up and on edge I haven't been sleeping well. In order to counteract the crazy thoughts I've been having, I've taken too much of my gabapentin (oops) and I can't tell if the hallucinations I had last night were from lack of sleep/stress or an actual panic attack, or perhaps even a bipolar episode, or the gabapentin (I did have a lot of twitches and jerks yesterday, on top of facial numbness). My gf works nights and I work days, so I'm home alone at night from 4:30pm - 1am. Both times it happened were in the dark (one was on a Saturday so she experienced it too). So now I have all these irrational thoughts, ruminating around my head. They are completely unrealistic. We put up lots of security back in the window that the person tried to come from, so the likelihood of someone actually coming in is slim. But I keep having these intrusive thoughts about how they'll tear up the screen, use a brick to smash open the window and just come on in while I'm trying to sleep. And other things like that. Last night the anxiety ramped up because I think I was hallucinating, which really freaked me out. Does anyone have any tips for getting over an attempted break-in, where you feel unsafe, insecure, panicky, anxious, irrational, and paranoid? I can't sleep, even with the light on, until she gets home. Then we turn off the light, and turn on the white noise machine. Which um, drowns out sound. But we need it otherwise every little single noise we hear will be a burglar. Right?
  2. This works allot for me, in instances of "he's gunna kill me" "I'm gunna be arrested, captured", etc ... Just to give in the fact that whatever is gunna happen, is gunna happen regardless and you're gunna die soon anyway so just enjoy your time before it does.. this helps ! But not in instances of someone I know is a pedophile etc.. these things I really try to convince myself are me being "delusional" , cause I don't want to believe it but I do, might convince myself I'm delusioning for a minute . Been paranoid about innapropriate relationships lately. Idk how to deal w it, wanna kill someone. Whether they're real or not, sometimes you just want things out of your head, amirite
  3. Hi everyone, this is my first post here. So about seven months ago I had my first episode of psychosis during my junior year at the university after heavy psychedelic use. I was tripping about 3 times a week for a month, I was using dmt, lots of mushrooms, lsd and morning glory seeds. The symptoms started slowly at first but progressed rather fast once they got started. At first I had thought blocking, which is where I would be talking about something and my thoughts would go blank mid sentence. I also kept my iPod on shuffle and thought God was sending messages to me through the songs that came on. I started to have superstitions about certain colors of cars or the cloths people were wearing. I started thinking about things before they happened and seeing 222, 333, 444, and other repeating numbers in random places and when I looked at the time. What started next, was I started feeling things that weren't there, was convinced I was the antichrist or someone similar to Jesus, and thought I was possessed my a demon. Then came the hallucinations, they started as just objects in the outside world moving and breathing and then they turned into "internal" visions where I would see things in my head like animals, faces, patterns, and vivid scenes that went along with my paranoid thoughts. Anyways I spent a week at the psych floor at my local hospital. Got put on risperidol, and went off of it and the symptoms got worse. And I thought people could read my mind and other language based delusions. Thanks to my loving parents I ended up getting on invega and it took about a month for it to fully take effect. I've been delusion and hallucination free for the past four moths but I've been battling pretty bad depression for the past month or two. It gets rough sometimes but I have a really good doctor and cognitive behavioral therapist I can rely on. The only thing that keeps me going are lots of cigarettes, good music, and how much my parents love me. Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope to contribute more to this forum. The rabbit hole goes deep.
  4. So a bit about me... I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2013 and was admitted to the hospital because things were really bad. I saw things primarily. Shadows and angel-like things. It felt like a monster was inside of me.. The voices took over my life in 2011. So I was undiagnosed for two years. During that time it was on and off, but I did weird stuff, which I'm ashamed of. Still I'm grateful to have been caught up into the system pretty quickly and got very good treatment. My medicine works well but some days are slightly worse than others. I've gone to my therapist for about one and a half year. I will stop going in August. Happy I found this forum, makes me feel not so alone.. Hope I can know you guys alittle better as time goes.
  5. From the album: Random

    This book gives me hope. It's about a Norwegian woman who battles with her illness for many years with long admittions..Then somehow she becomes symptom-free w/o medications and she reaches her goals; a fulfilling job, studies and her own house. To me, the possibility of a recovery is my only light in the tunnel..I know it may be long time till, but I need that hope..
  6. Over the last month or so, I've been turning to you guys at Crazyboards to seek some common ground, as I sure don't feel it where I'm at. I'm 32, live in a major city w/ my boyfriend, and my sincerest hope is to be able to save up enough money to move out of state for graduate school. By trade I'm a fairly disappointing legal secretary, where I'm daily treated like dirt by my coworkers no matter how hard I try to do my best. This is what happens when you have nothing but work-study office work experience to put on a resume as an undergrad. Nevermind how mindnumbingly bored I was after day one, I should be "lucky" I have a job in this economic climate...hey it's just a paycheck and benefits I tell myself. It takes all the willpower I've got just to get out of bed every morning because I know I'm headed for a day of nonstop ridicule. Moving on... Anyway, since age 20 or so I experienced mood swings. At first, I thought I had a borderline personality. I fit pretty much all the criteria, especially fear of abandonment, moods that changed at the drop of a hat (never positive, mind you), and my relationships - friend or significant other- were all so very messed up. It wasn't until a particularly bad breakup at age 26 that everything came to a head. I attempted suicide with booze and pills in a bathtub (my favorite place to be) and not only did I lose my shot at rekindling the relationship with that guy, but I lost pretty much all my friends. Two years ago, I lost another "best friend" after I started dating a mutual friend. The first time around was understandable - I was chewing this girl's ear off about my ex and she couldn't take it. Or, more likely, her new boyfriend was scared of me. One day, I came home shaking from every negative feeling known to man. I took a nearby wineglass and smashed it against the counter. She moved out not long after without a word. This latest time, however, I know I didn't deserve to be dropped. She claimed I was a "bad friend," which translated roughly to "You have a boyfriend and I don't, and I can't be happy for you, so I"m giving you the kiss-off." Nevermind I dropped everything to be with her while her mother was dying in the hospital, was with her the moment she died, and took days off from work to be at her wake and funeral. Nope, my boyfriend and I were just bad people apparently. I'm quite sure the only thing I did wrong was back out on meeting her at a cheap restaurant because I was feeling sick. With an autoimmune disease flare-up. Again, moving on... The title of my post is exactly that. I am doing my best to get some help again. It turns out that I did not have BPD as originally thought. Up until a couple months after my suicide attempt, I had only ever been prescribed antidepressants. Effexor had been the one to do me in. It's truly the devil. After 4 months of being on it, I started having intense nightmares - semi trucks falling from the sky like rain...killer tornadoes...pestilence. In my ignorance, I thought it was a mere side effect of the drug. I developed a terribly short fuse, hurling both insults and items such as my jewelry box at the wall in my dorm room. My friends at the time were in my roommate's room (our rooms were connected by a bathroom), and they were terrified. Of me - the person most likely to be terrified of other people. I never knew at the time that these rage outbursts were my first instances of true mania. I assumed it was BPD, a) because the mood switches were within hours and b) there was (to my knowledge) no bipolar disorder running in my family. No diagnosed bipolar disorder, that is. Now I know otherwise. In 2011, the same year I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Sjogren's syndrome, I went for psychological testing to see if I had attention deficit disorder. I had a lot of memory problems that was making work much more difficult that it really was (aside from my inability to socialize), and I also wanted to see if I had dyscalcula since I was so horrendous at math. After over 10 hours of testing, a neuropsychologist diagnosed me with Bipolar I and Paranoid Personality Disorder, the latter of which I denied - if anything, I had an avoidant personality. I can't look anyone in the eye, I refuse to answer the door or leave my bedroom wherever I live, you know the drill. Fear of rejection after years of being rejected/bullied as a child. Had a secret to carry since I was 3 years old, also making me not trust anyone. So I guess I was pretty much always a weirdo in everyone else's eyes. My 300 question personality indicator survey pointed the doctor in the direction of BP I as opposed to II since my answers had been "extreme," although the last time I received treatment they told me I had BP II because I seemed to have more hypomanias and depression. My main "problem areas" include overspending, taking on too many projects, not wanting to go to sleep EVER, and executive dysfunction. In terms of that, it surprised me to learn I had a slow reading disorder (I'm an English major and now a part time writer and editor, so Ii LOVE to read) but was average in math. I qualified for extra time on my GRE exam, but I for some reason decided I didn't need to take it. Apparently the test results are only good for a year. It was 10 hours of testing and I paid approximately $500 for the whole thing. So now I do need to take the GRE's and will have to either study my ass off to do well or be tested all over again. I've had various things happen, usually involving $$$, that made me put getting treatment on the backburner. Having crappy teeth is par for the course when you have Sjogren's, so most of it went to that. I also have chronic back pain, knee pain, and arthritis due to my autoimmune disorder. I originally was on Wellbutrin and Lamictal. Then I switched to a world renowed bipolar specialist who only ever prescribed lithium. Lithium, while I felt it had worked to reduce my hypomanias, did very little for my depressions and made all the physical symptoms from my Sjogren's like dryness and joint pain, worse. Not to mention, it increased my acne. No, thanks. I briefly tried Abilify and it made me nauseous and made my eyes extremely sensitive to light. II'm hoping to find a new pdoc soon because my relationships (what's left of them) are all starting to deteriorate. If I lose my boyfriend, who is also my best friend (and I his), my world will basically collapse. I'm so grateful for his understanding...and his appreciation of my weirdness. But he knows my moods are swinging more and more out of control as the days go by. A few days ago, I went to hopped in the shower and started singing, dancing, doing push-ups while in the shower...came back to my room and wanted to have a dance party. My boyfriend yawned and said, "Oh no, here she goes again..." It's not all fun, though. I'm very snappish. We rented a room with a Nepalese family just to save money before our big move a couple months ago, and needless to say, it's been one big nightmare. They move my stuff around a lot, which I really can't stand because my last roommate stole from me constantly. Instead of politely explain how my olive oil that I swore I bought went missing, I ended up making the guy think I was accusing him or his family of stealing (entirely possible, since someone took a slice of our pizza without asking. No we label everything). That was over a month ago, and now no one except the roommate who isn't related to them, will talk to me. I feel like I have done this a lot in my life. My extreme social anxiety, fueled by paranoia and irritable hypomania, ruins my conversational skills. And they were never great to begin with. I really don't want to be like this forever, so I'm willing to make the necessary changes. I would give anything just to give the appearance of being normal, even if I never could be. Thanks for reading. Misfit Love
  7. So last Saturday I went to my physiologist and he prescribed me Dexedrine for ADHD because I am very concerned that I am not going to finish high school if I don't have something to help me focus. He prescribed me 10mg twice daily, but I decided to only take it once in the mornings. I noticed the first time I came down off it it I was feeling very anxious. I thought this was only temporary and assumed it would go away after a few days of use. Sunday (the next day) I took it again and had thanksgiving dinner that evening with my family (Canadian thanksgiving). I didn't feel very anxious as it was coming down so I though the anxiety went away. I took it again on Monday which was a day off of school and only felt a little bit of anxiety, it went away after about 15 mins. Tuesday my first day back to school I had to write a test, I felt like I did pretty good on it but I had a date planned with a girl after school that I was thinking about all day. While I was out with her my the medication started to come down, I started to feel extremely anxious while I was sitting down, I started shaking and could not focus on my conversation with her which was really bothering me because normally I am very good at making conversation. I couldn't catch my breath and started to freak out! I asked her if we could walk around because I was not feeling good. She eventually ended up going home soon after and I walked home. I told my grandma (I live with her) what happened and asked her to feel my heart because I thought it was the medication that made me feel so anxious. I could feel my heart pounding and asked her to feel it to see if she thought it was pounding too. She said "oh no that's not good, your heart is racing" (it was about 90BPM resting and my blood pressure was slightly higher than normal) I immediately began to freak out even more thinking that the medication was gonna give me a heart attack or something. All I could think about was my heart rate and could not get it down, I went for another walk and it still didn't help. I read online that vitiman C will help remove the drugs from my system so I took 1000mg of it and started to calm down after my heart rate settled. The funny thing was this all started happening 7-8 hours after I took the meds so I doubt they were even in my system still. The next day at school (Wednesday) I felt pretty normal and I decided I wont take these drugs anymore. Later that evening completely off the drugs I started to feel anxiety again for no reason, which made me freak out again. Maybe it was thinking about this girl because she texted me saying "she just wanted to be friends"? I decided that I should go to bed and try to sleep it off. I tried breathing exercises in my bed and all of a sudden I felt like this anxiety was growing bigger and bigger surrounding my head until I sat up rapidly and started to hyperventilate. I eventually laid back in my bed curled up shaking quite a bit and then fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and the first thought that came to my head was "You're still anxious" All I could think about was what these drugs did to me and why am I going crazy all of a sudden. The thought that I permanently screwed up my brain with these drugs keeps driving me insane and I cant go a minute without thinking about it. I've always had underlying anxiety but never this bad, I have doubts that a drug like this in such a small dose could cause permanent damage to my brain but the thought of it is what really scares me. I feel like I'm over reacting but at the same time I feel like I need someone to assure me that this drug didn't screw me up. I only took 10mg for 4 days but who knows maybe that's enough... I also have to fight a ticket in court this Thursday which is really bothering me, and Putting up with my bipolar mother all the time prob doesn't help either... I am calling my psychiatrist tomorrow and doing a follow up on my reaction to the drug. The girl also texted me back saying "she didn't mean what she said and actually really likes me..?" confusing much... Anyway I am hoping for the best and just wish this underlying fear in my life would just go away! If anyone has experienced anything like this or have felt like a drug has messed you up, I would love to hear your experience and how you dealt with it!
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