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Found 11 results

  1. My pdoc once told me that I spent a long time being psychotic and it has become part of who I am as a result—that, to some degree, it's possible I will be residual (as in having residual symptoms) almost indefinitely (as it can with anyone). Having schizophrenia paired with BPD almost allows for this as I do not know who I am when I am not suffering. So, I hold on to the remnants of all that I knew to be the only absolute truths in this world at one time. I saw a thread discussing delusional residuum and it made me wonder if the remnants are a sign of psychosis integrating with the Ego or personality. Do you find the person you were whilst psychotic has meshed with your self pre-psychosis? Not to say that they are separate entities, of course. Do you find the delusional residuum to be part of who you are?
  2. Hi, I posted this over in the Schizophrenia blog too. I am currently in the worst depression of my life. Actually technically I'm in a "mixed mood state" or "agitated depression" according to my doc. However, I'm starting to think there's some psychosis going on as well. Example: constant suicidal urges that are only moderately controlled by a wimpy dose of Zyprexa. Second example: I was in the hospital for several weeks (which didn't help at all, btw) and now I am TERRIFIED to spend any time back at my house (ok, I have bitchy roommates, and have spent a lot of lonely time there pondering life, but this fear causes me to start crying hysterically. I needed Klonopin just to spend about an hour there today. I've been staying with my aunt because I can't stay at my house. Maybe I'm afraid of the suicidal stuff popping up if I stay there too long? I don't know.) Also, on the drive there today I imagined (imagined - not saw) cartoon characters running across the hood of my car. It was a random thought that came out of nowhere. Does anyone think this sounds like psychosis coming in? If you have experienced psychotic depression, would you be so kind as to share examples of what it's like? I should also mention I got a diagnosis of OCD a few years ago so the OCD could be latching onto the idea of the psychotic depression. But trust me, the fear of spending any time in my house is very real.
  3. Has anyone had experience of therapy for Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder or psychosis? I am looking for advice or experience of which kind of therapy is likely to be the most useful. Unfortunately because of bad side effects and permanent damage caused by medication I am looking for other ways to treat my problems, and therapy seems to be one of the most useful. I would be grateful for any help.
  4. I was wondering if anyone here takes an antipsychotic prn (as needed) for when you get irritable or agitated. I just really heard of this concept. I am on 80 mg of Latuda and it works well for me, however I still have some psychotic symptoms and I get extremely angry and irritable and there is absolutely no event to cause it. For those of you who have taken an antipsychotic prn, did it help you? What was the drug and dose? Should I talk to my pdoc about it?
  5. I've had mania last for months and months and have had some last just a month or two. So i was wondering what has been the longest manic episode you have had? Hope to hear something and thanx for reading/posting
  6. This is going to be a long post, I also may edit it later if I got something wrong. Going Psychotic was a fun and strange experience and at times scary, mine came on rapidly and with doctors not knowing wtf was wrong with me, I was psychotic for quiet a while. After stopping an overdosed course of the steroid Dianabol I began feeling a bit depressed. After a few days, one morning I woke up and went to eat a blueberry, soon after I ate it I heard something click in my head, the last time this happened was when I got really stoned quiet a few years ago. I immedietly paniced and knew the next few weeks of my life were going to suck the big one. I had to go to the hospital to have my liver checked as the enzymes came back very high during the steroid cycle, I could not eat and was told to take Neusitil which is an old AP that is now an anti nausea agent. When I took it it seemed to make me a little unstable. Over the next few days I tried taking a nurofen guessing what I was going through was inflamation this seemed to make things worse, I also scatterly drove to my doctors and got some Arimidex thinking my problem was due to elevated estrogen. I also scoured the web for experiences and found some people had become psychotic on the steroid although I did not suspect psychosis at the time. When I was at my doctors I was stuttering and apeared a nervous wreck, I wasnt sure if I imagined it at the time or not but I could of swore the secretary said "you are mental". On the way home I called a friend who does security at a psych ward and told him to get me admitted, he reassured me all I was experiencing was anxiety which it did feel like. My pharmacist was also quiet amused by my mental state. At one point I remember almost hitting a pedestrian while driving my car to the shops, it became obvious to me I could not look after myself anymore. I decided not to drive and wherever I went from this point I was driven by either a friend or family member. A few days passed and for the following month I started to experience a loss of sense of time I also started experiencing a traumatic level of anxiety, at some point I was driven to see a psychiatrist at a psych ward, the 4 hours I spent waiting felt like 15minutes. When I saw the doctor I asked to be admitted, I was diagnosed with PTSD and given 100mg of seroquel incase I couldnt sleep and sent home being told that I would be more traumatized in the psych ward. On the way home I began to experience severe derealization like I was coming down off a very long drug binge, I knew my brain chemicals were a mess and I would have to ride it out, I was in a panic at home I took 50mg of seroquel and it knocked me out for the night. A week or so later I had an emergency apointment with my psychologist who I had been seeing for a year and whom I now suspect was not very fond of me. I told him something is wrong and what had happened and that I needed to see someone, he told me I look depressed and he hopes to see me right again next time . Before leaving the apointment I asked him how to handle PTSD and he seemed anxious when replying that all he thinks I have is anxiety, it seemed he did not want me to see anyone or that I did not need to and if its the former than the reason becomes obvious later. So more days passed and I began planning my recovery schedualling myself daily activities and looking in to neurogenesis although instead of getting better I progressivly got worse. I went to the hospital again and was seen by a psychiatrist I thought maybe I was bipolar which I was told I wasnt and was sent home. At this point I had stopped eating and was mainly bound to my bed for the next 2 months only to get up to smoke. I was convinced my problem was physical and that I was dying of brain death. My cognitive abilities were very degraded at this point. I went to the hospital again stating I think I am dying. A bemused nurse led me to a bed where I was sarcastically told I would get a full phsyical. Instead I was seen by another psychiatrist who did not seem very happy, we played some mind games together, I tried to apear remorseful and for that I got to stay the night when I said "if you dont want me here then I am leaving". The next morning I was seen by more psychiatrists still in an agitated state I spoke to them openly, I desperately requested hospice care, and they even put on an act and pretended they were going to do it. I said some stupid things during my time there such as "I may dress like I have PTSD with the dark clothes and sunglasses but please help me". At one point I was bored and I noticed my medical record was next to me. In my country you arnt suppose to look at your medical record although it is legally your property you are meant to officially request information in writing and if refused you can go through the court system. Thinking I was on my death bed this all seemed very insignificant and I decided to read my medical record like a book page by page, I began crying because the 1st entry was about speed psychosis in 2005 and since then it was all hypercondiac visits and stupidly speed psychosis was writen in "" suggesting the general practitioner who saw me at the time did not even know what it was, really I should of been admitted to the psych ward back then. As I got to the last page of my medical record a nurse saw me and got cranky with me, as she was doing this and as I was crying I quickly flicked through to the last page and found: reassured not bipolar. Narcassistic personality disorder. I got my medical record snatched out of my hand straight after reading that. A different nurse came in and when she saw I was crying she seemingly systematically consoled me briefly. Some more time passed and a new psychiatrist came in, I would find out her name is Dr Carpenter. She asked if I was seeing anyone regularly and I told her my doctor and my psychologists name, she asked some more questions then left. It later became obvious she had spoken to my psychologist who was on holiday during this time. She came back a few hours later, one thing she told me was "I spent the whole day in toxicology" I responded "for me?" This was a mistake as it made me seem self important, soon after she got mad at me and told me I was Cluster B, I asked if I was retarded and she said no. I was told by security to leave the bed for a lady who had heart pain, when I got up my chin was down to my chest as it had been for weeks and I asked why is my posture like this? A nurse stupidly responded thats how some people are. I ate one of my few meals and left the hospital. For the next couple of weeks I would recieve a daily phone call from the hospital to ask how I was feeling, I remember my responses being varied from emotionally flat to not being able to feel the weather, when I would go outside I could tell if it was cold, teped or warm but I would not be able to guess the temperature, I could be in the cold and not shiver and it could be a very hot day where I would sweat and I would not feel hot only warm. I also remember my mood being up and down from eurphoric to depressed every few hours before eventually just becoming flat constantly. Being emotionally flat was odd, I had no motivation, no feelings of happyness or sadness what so ever it was just like a null void. NYE came and I decided to go out, I felt very spaced and stuck to drinking water still unsure at this point wtf was wrong with me I explained to everyone I was not feeling well due to my liver, I felt very elastic and bouncy at one point a friends GF grabbing my hand and telling me to dance my arm just loosely wobbled up and down with hers as my body stayed unresponsive. At another point another girl trying to consol me and me again being unresponsive. I remember unvoluntarily letting out a strange noise from my mouth as I was walking by a friend, whatever was wrong with me I tried my best to hide it but felt I was not doing a very good job at explaining myself, I am still yet to bring up that night with my best friend but plan to soon. One day in January I remember I was eating and my vision started going white and I felt a sense of dread, I dialed the emergecny number for the ambulance, as I was on the phone to them I could feel what people describe as their spirit leaving their body, I was convinced this was it, I just screamed down the line my address and that I was dying. When the paramedic arrived I had a severe 1000 yard stare, and my paramedic was trying to get an animated response out of me but failed, everything felt like a dream and when I arrived at the hospital I was described as completely flat. I did not even get a bed, i was sat at a desk and was seen by a familiar face who started questioning me, when was last time I worked, do I have a criminal record, I said not this again and just put me head down in exhuastion. As I was waiting a drink and disordly person being escorted by a bunch of police was walked by me, I took the opotunity to stare him out with my 1000 yard stare, he stared back in slight confusion at my facial apearence. I was eventually seen by a psychiatrist who I argued with I was bought in to a room where I tried to get my point across that I have lost all sense of time and WTF IS GOING ON, I asked if I was dying and the Dr nodded yes and then said not at this moment, which furthur convinced me I was dying. I was given olanzapine which immedietly calmed my mind and got rid of the stare as it melt in my mouth, I said with a smile "this is what they give to people in the psych ward isnt it?" the doctor smiled and said yes. I was once again sent home which I suggested was not a good idea in my mental state. Being bed ridden from lack of cognitive abilities, I began taking xanax which I had in the house, this kept thing somewhat bearable for the next few days, I could not browse my computer I could not even cross the street by myself. The hospital schedualed an apointment with a psychiatrist which was uneventful. A few days later I then saw another psychiatrist at the hospital and I was off my face on xanax, I was acting like a little kid talking about my childhood, I was asked to leave the room and was told to wait as they were "going through my medical record" but really they were talking to Dr Carpenter. I was told I had to wean myself off the xanax I was told to look up C-PTSD with a smirk on their face. The hospital wanted to send a doctor to my house for ADs, I was spoken to like a little kid and was told to eat all my mummies vegetables, I was really put off by this and refused the visit. The calls from the hospital continued. I then decided to see my fathers doctor for ADs, I remember needing assistance to cross to road to visit him. I was paranoid that Dr Carpenter had spoken to him, he grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and prescribed me 50mg Pristiq and did not charge me because "I dont work". I also asked and recieved Xanax. I asked him what was the point of this pointing to the pristiq prescription and he explained to give me back my zest for life. It seems the doctors just couldnt see I wasnt only depressed but my brains were scrambled. I was full retarded at this point not being able to walk properly or hold my attention on anything, my life had been flashing before my eyes over the past week and I thought of it as the credits rolling and my whole problem in life was NPD. I decided to wean off the xanax and try the pristiq, it did not work, it just made my thoughts stutter at a faster rate, the days became monotonous, wake up lay in bed, smoke, perhaps have a bath, perhaps eat. The next apointment with my psychologist was rolling around and I called him up to confirm, oddly he answered instead of his secretary. And as he repeated my full name he sounded very mad, "you COULD come and see me" being too brain dead to enquire why I just responded with yea and okays. The next day I felt bad he was angry and called up to apologize and cancel the apointment, he was calm and told me he had to hear what happened and reminded me of my previous trip I took overseas I guess to cheer me up to get me to come see him. I decided I would see my psychologist before starting the xanax again and giving myself my own hospice care. so for my psychologist apointment, I was off the xanax, I had an anti septic bath and shave and off I went to it trying my best to look respectable. Now my psychologist plays a lot of mind games and he had one in plan for me, I arrived 10 minutes early to the rare site of some other people waiting before me, I left back to the car and came back on time, the people were in his office, I noticed his gate was open and there was a package at the doorstep this time which was not there before. He greeted me with a look that just said "hello you little shit" stepped forward really close to me and casually picked up his package. As I was waiting his current patients who oddly had only seen him for 10 minutes left, it was a couple and he cheerfully said good bye to them in front of me. My psychologist was dressed in all black and as I walked in to his office I noticed he was wearing perfume as if to say I stink. He seemed sternly mad, I began to explain to him what had happened but rather he got up and told me he had recieved a fax from the original hospital I went to the 1st time before I saw him last. The strangest thing I noticed was he had a portable handset connected to his mobile phone on his desk, which I would occasionally glimpse at but not bring up in conversation. Another thing was that for once I could see his computer screen tilted towards me, he had as his background picture a portrait of his family as if to say I have a good family you dont as I had told him some stories about my family. He mentioned to me that he said that psychotropic drugs are bad for anyone with an anxiety disorder, this was a lie which I just agreed with anyhow, in fact all he had ever told me was that you could not get permenant brain damage from drugs and that it would be better to abuse my liver than my brain, I guess one of the reasons he was mad. Since my 1000 yard stare incident I developped something odd where my eyes would not blink together in sync, my left one would be delayed in opening, he slyly bought this up in conversation saying "I need a fresh pair of eyes on me, so I can blink together" I also apeared psychotic in the eyes when I was with him. He continued to tell me I would not like it in a mental ward that they would make me do pilates, noticing he had another agenda for this visit I told him I was not here for me I was here for him. He bought up the NPD written on my medical record, this is another amusing point as I had told him a long time ago I dont trust doctors and he agreed with me and even suggested it would not be a good idea to see one as I would know more than them, obviously just playing along with my self esteem or dellusions or whatever. Touching his phone while looking at me to furthur bring my attention to the fact there was a listening device in the room he got me to explain the medical record incident, he tried talking me out of it and suggested I was AvPD not NPD, he then grabbed the DSM flicked to a random page and read out the symptoms and asked me if I am arogant, haughy, boastful as though from a list. I later found out this is infact not the list from the DSM he was just making it up but still got his point across. He reached in to his draw and grabbed a big stack of papers with printed writing on them, obvious to me this was all my transcripts from our previous apointments and that he had used his mobile phone to record us, and that he deemed me a half to myself I explained I was not trying to harm myself but he completely ignored me. He wrote my name on a peice of paper on top of the stack to furthur illustrate it was the recordings of me. As the apointment drew to a close he wrote on a card the names and contact details for a couple of psychiatrists, being in my paranoid state I interpreted this as a joke and never called them until I was better only to confirm they were indeed real doctors. I later found the transcript would be read by a person at the mental ward I stayed but why exacly he was mad I was never sure of although there are multiple posibilities which I have hinted at, another being that he had to prepare the transcripts while he was on holiday. I found the events amusing and still do. Back at home things did not improve, I became increasingly psychotic and beleived I had been enlightened I had a whole dellusional belief that I was poisoned and detectives and my friends were after me, a non bizzare dellusion as this was based on some facts. I only had taken the pristiq on two occasions and I again continued taking xanax. At the point it had all been about 2 1/2 months since stopping the steroids, my mood was flat and my dopamine was high I could feel it I could lie in bed all day and not get bored. I had lost a lot of weight from not eating and my light headedness was getting worse, I went to the emergency room one last time, I wanted to go to a different hospital because I felt the hospital I had been going to hated me which i guess they did. I ended up going to that hospital anyway, I thought I was dying, a general practitioner did a physical examination and then came back to me after speaking to the psychiatrists there and said she can not help me. I was then seen by a psychiatrist who decided to admit me (yay) I was served a meal by security and admitted to psychiatric emergency where I spent 2 weeks before being sent to the ward, I was put on seroquel and zoloft and was about to be sent home although instead against my wishes admitted for 2 months to a psychiatric ward where thanks to the medications I slowly recovered my cognitive abilities. Strangely I was never told I was psychotic and before my discharge was asked if I was on drugs such as meth or marijuana. Last week I found some medical notes which read: Psychosis, Major depression, suicidality and cognitive deficets, anxiety and panic. Its been a few months and I am weaning myself off the APs hopefully starting on bupropion for boredom and apathy and I am about 95% recovered and not longer psychotic. I was told during my stay they have seen people in my state and that I would make a full recovery although my papers say I have schizophrenia and that its likely to persist supposedly so I can claim disability and discount medication I am told. TLDR went crazy and retarded over a couple months hell of a ride recovered.
  7. Because I’m seeing my therapist today-psychiatrist next week-and I have already been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder but have been psychotic before and recently. What’s the difference between a psychotic manic episode and schizoaffective? Also can disorganization (Thoughts and behavior) be part of bipolar mania too?
  8. From the album: T-VIRUS

    Psycho..Arent we all a little
  9. During a one-off use of cannabis, I had a sudden and severe reaction. I wasn't on any other medication at the time. The psych has suggested this could be the beginning of some psychosis. I began highly disorientated, memory resetting every few seconds or so with little staying on with the help of mantra like thinking, annihilated concentration, possibly dissociation (I'm not sure of the terms), and so on. For a good six months or so, I could turn a corner and forget where I'd been. Early on, the world was a bit surreal, a bit of a blur. I felt so out of it. I only first saw a doctor about this and other mental health issues last year. Back then, I was completely untreated. I found I had minimal, slow improvement of symptoms over a period of months. Maybe more, less obvious improvement over the next year or two, a big guess there, though. I've since plateaued and significant deficits remain with regard to my concentration, memory and general cognition. I feel really unintelligent compared to my former self. Where I'd be getting top marks in Maths, Physics, Chemistry, English, whatever, I now struggle to pass straight forward, first year university courses. Anyway, would this short description be in-line with psychosis? If so, what possible recovery could I expect from anti-psychotic use? The psych's been trying me on a few but the last three didn't go down well. I should mention, a CT scan came back clear. Also, this event happened about eight years ago.
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