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Found 16 results

  1. So I suffer from split thinking quite a lot. People are good, or they're bad. No in between. And when they're bad, I go apeshit crazy. Fuckin mad episodes of rage. For those with BPD (or any of the cluster B personalities), how do you control your anger/impulses when your emotions skyrocket?
  2. I am currently on 300 mg of seroquel for bipolar II (mainly depression) and 300 mg Lyrica for anxiety. I want to come off the Lyrica because I think it might be causing rage and it always seems to happen after my morning dose of 150 mg Lyrica, and 100 mg of Seroquel. I take 150mg of Lyrica at 9am and then again at 5pm. My Seroquel is taken at 100 mg at 9am and 200 mg at 9pm. It is Extended Release. The Lyrica is in capsule form. Any thoughts? I am smallish 44 yo woman.
  3. I have finally decided to go off Wellbutrin (Bupropion/Zyban) as I just cannot live with this anger and rage attacks any longer. I spend my day swearing, (I can’t fit enough swear words in a sentence), clenching my hands until they are rigid, screaming and hurting my throat, telling myself I wish I was dead and having even more intrusive thoughts than normal, even thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night and I respond by telling myself to fuck off while I‘m laying there in bed. The anger has alarmed me and I can feel the cortisol surging through my body. I’m getting off this medication by myself without help because I went to see my psychiatrist the other day sand he virtually dismissed me and was clearly annoyed with me for having too many side effects and he was frustrated at how difficult I was to treat. There was no sympathy whatsoever. He said we’ve exhausted all avenues. I felt like a fool for not responding correctly to medications that he thought should work. It was a waste of money seeing him and I’m sick of doctors telling me it’s worth having numb genitals or inability to orgasm if you find a pill that gets rid of your depression. The doctor was frustrated with me before for all the pills I’ve been on that I couldn’t tolerate because of sex issues. The Wellbutrin didn’t do anything negative for me sexually (it seemed to have a big improvement on me sexually, actually), but the insane anger is just too much to live with. The anger was over the most minor of things, such as the vacume cleaner cord getting tangled, or losing internet connection. I’m currently on Lamotrigine 200 mg by itself which I hope will help my depression/anxiety.
  4. On another psych forums I stumbled across a different category of disorders not listed on CB: Impulse Control Disorders. Funny enough, I just had one of those and have them quite often which is what drew my attention to this subject. I'm bipolar so I'm naturally compulsive/ impulsive but this seems like its own thing. Has anyone ever heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)? I had never heard of it until today and I'm not exactly in the dark on MI's. I'm bringing this up because I think I have IED. The description on Wikipedia fits me well, though not completely. I'm prone to serious outbursts of anger and rage and for what seem like trivial things to others, but they just really, really piss me off. I'm just coming off of one such outburst because I left my Iphone outside in the sun and almost fried it. I get really mad at myself for doing stupid shit like that sometimes. I even get super mad at myself when I can't seem to type a paragraph without a lot of mistakes in spelling or grammar. When I go back through and see all of my mistakes I get really fired up. The examples I can supply are almost endless when I think about it. I regularly get very mad at my computer or for computer related stuff like making lots of errors when I write. Sometimes, it literally takes all my energy not to throw my laptop across the room. I honestly can't believe I haven't done it already. Another great example is when I get road rage, though my triggers are limited here, fortunately. What gets me the most is when some genius gets super close behind me. This is a constant source of rage for me. I have two young kids and their safety and well-being is obviously paramount to me. I manage to quell my rage enough when they're in the car so they don't know and so I don't cause someone to shoot at us or anything. But, they've seen the finger go up a few times and ask me why I do that with my hand. And when they're not with me, I get so pissed it's not long before a steady stream of F-words and other colorful terms is spewing from my mouth. In moments like this, I actually fantasize about yanking those SOB's out of their rides and beating the shit out of them. Why I haven't lost control and done this 1000 times by now is beyond me. I guess because I can drive away from it, I can remove the trigger from my zone or something. I don't know. There are PLENTY of other triggers, trust me. So, basically, if I'm not in a very happy hypomanic phase, I am prone to getting really pissed off really quickly at stupid little crap like this. It can be anything, mostly inanimate objects (Ridiculous, right?) or, this is a good one, I get really pissed at my universe for throwing bad joo-joo at me for extended periods of time. You know, when stupid, annoying, negative stuff keeps happening over and over all day or whatever. It builds up in me and I can lose it sometimes. Who gets mad at their universe to the point they scream out curse words for several minutes and throws stuff across the room? That's kind of a new one but it's a goodie. I'll end this soon b/c it's getting too long and I'm losing some of you I know. Thankfully, I'm not violent against people though I do sincerely wish I could be sometimes but only to those completely ignorant assholes who are real dickheads and deserve it. There are certainly plenty of those idiots who just weren't raised right or something and just have no disregard for others. But I'm a sizeable guy built like a linebacker with a pretty intimidating look on my face just naturally so having rage issues isn't making anyone comfortable. I don't commit domestic violence, never have, never will. I don't hit women, never have, never will. I DO NOT, EVER hit my kids or even threaten to and I've stopped disciplining my kids 99% of the time just because I don't want to yell at them at all, not even a little, and I don't want to be like my asshole dad was to us. I do scare my wife when I get upset and express it like this. I do scare everyone else as well if I lose control around others, which is not often as I stay away or remove myself from those situations quickly. These moments of rage usually last less than 20 minutes, rarely longer, and can occur even when I'm in a great mood all day. The rest of the time, I'm actually a very likeable guy who gets along with everybody, I always have. I'm one of those guys everyone wants to invite to their party and is cool with everybody. Yet, unbeknownst to almost everyone, I have serious rage issues that just might be serious enough to be a disorder. Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone find any of this familiar in their own lives? Or does anyone know anything about IED and want to share with me? Thanks in advance - DM
  5. Has anyone heard of this? I stumbled across it today, ironically, right after a moment of extreme anger that happens more times than I like to admit. Not all of it applies to me but it sounds awfully familiar. Have any of you heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder? I've never heard of it until today. I posted this question, in much more detail, in the Not Otherwise Specified section here on CB if you want to check it out. I gave some pretty good examples of my behavior that makes me think I might have IED. It's pretty embarrassing to admit, but I don't give a crap really. I'm bipolar already and not a exactly an emotionally super-stable guy anyway. Thoughts? Experiences? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittent_explosive_disorder
  6. Anyone else experience this? I’ve been on it for approximately two weeks and have felt a noticible shift in how I react to people/things that I perceive as annoying; especially people staring at me... drive-by tough guys who never pull-over and say dick to my face... well, not LITERALLY “dick,” as that would actually be quite amusing actually— but incoherent nonsense at 70-plus Mph. Do they even realize that their intended ignorance does not even register to my ears? It’s a highway for fuck’s sake... the constant flow of lumberjacks toting a thousand logs 24/7 doesn’t help their cause. just pull-over and whisper it into my ear... let’s make it fun. At least I’ll respect you. I mean... I get it, the destitute are always gonna be looked down-upon, but now I’m imagining myself in jail for yanking some redneck from his vroom-vroom and punching his teeth through his asshole. I reported these types of feelings to my P-doc yesterday and he didn’t seem too concerned; as a matter of fact, he RAISED the daily dosage to three times a day. Good lord. He gave me limited Klonopin to chill-me-the-fuck-out until I see a Psychiatrist— via fucking webcam, mind you— and patted me on the ass and sent me on my merry little way. Speaking of my FaceTime Headshrinker— what the fuck? How impersonal is that shit? How can you diagnose(or re-diagnose) someone from within the restricted confines of a computer screen? I also had a disability case via said method and It was bullshit. I’m no medical professional here... but one would assume that as a Psychiatrist, you would need to evaluate said mental patient’s body movements, etc., in order to make the proper diagnoses. Whatever. ive gotta take what I can get at this point... perhaps I’ll take advantage and sneak my prick-out of my pants during the session and give it a few tugs. And she’ll never know. So... SHHHHHHHHH. all right... I’m talking gibberish again. bye.
  7. I live in shitty apartments but will be moving in a month to a really nice place. A girl that lives here is on heroin and asks for money and ativan from me. She knows it take ativan because we had a conversation about my ptsd and I regretfully told her I take ativan. Well she flew off the handle a couple days ago for denying her MY medication I take for MY disorder. What a fucking entitlement mentality. Then I called about getting a kitten yesterday and the girl on the phone asked me to pay 300 for a kitten because her boyfriend is kicking her out and she cant afford methdone. I think I live in the rudest, coldest, most selfish city in the country. I am getting angry at everyone and angry about everything. I cant sleep, im probably mixed mania, and I hope to God nobody bothers me. Im shutting myself in for the next 4 days. Im not talking to anybody. Im just going to try to stay calm and call the landlord or police if these selfish, entitled people try anything. Grrrr
  8. I live in shitty apartments but will be moving in a month to a really nice place. A girl that lives here is on heroin and asks for money and ativan from me. She knows it take ativan because we had a conversation about my ptsd and I regretfully told her I take ativan. Well she flew off the handle a couple days ago for denying her MY medication I take for MY disorder. What a fucking entitlement mentality. Then I called about getting a kitten yesterday and the girl on the phone asked me to pay 300 for a kitten because her boyfriend is kicking her out and she cant afford methdone. I think I live in the rudest, coldest, most selfish city in the country. I am getting angry at everyone and angry about everything. I cant sleep, im probably mixed mania, and I hope to God nobody bothers me. Im shutting myself in for the next 4 days. Im not talking to anybody. Im just going to try to stay calm and call the landlord or police if these selfish, entitled people try anything. Grrrr
  9. My daughter has a dysruptive mood dysregulation disorder and has taken Zoloft, Abilfy, Latuda, Geodon, Lamictal, clonidine, concerta, Klonopin and probably others before turning to Lithium. She has crazy mood swings and is very angry and sad most of the time. She has had trouble sleeping since she was 4. At night, before bed, she will get hyper and giddy. Trazodone has helped this... Anyway, she started taking Lithium 3 weeks ago and is almost therapeutic on it .08 & her doc wants her at 1.0-1.2. My question is, how long once she's therapeutic will it take to help calm her rage/sadness. She is in DBT and her latest psychologist just told us that in 30 years of practice, she's never NOT been able to help a patient, but my daughter- a 12 year old girl who has been through a great IOP and left basically the same as she was when she was admitted, is a puzzle. We have consulted with top people at Stanford & UCSF. Everyone is stumped and at ther age, she has been through so much. Any one have any guidance about lithium or help with anything else I've mentioned? She wakes up screaming "I hate my life!" She pushes friends away with neediness or inappropriate behavior... will Lithium help? When?
  10. I have noticed that I can be completely relaxed and chill, but at times if someone says something or touches me without me expecting it, I can become instantly FURIOUS. Anyone else have this issue? Anyone have any suggestions on how to "bring it down"? I get extremely angry...literally wanting to become violent...at the drop of a hat. I feel bad, but I do not always know what to do about it. Any suggestions are helpful. Thank you in advance.
  11. All kinds of trigger warnings here. Also, if you are bipolar or have strong feelings about it you may want to give this one a miss. A lot of what I'm going to say might be hurtful or offensive, tho I certainly don't mean that towards anyone here. My mother has type 1 bipolar disorder. I know it's true, it makes perfect sense. She was white knuckling for years, before she got diagnosed, self medicating, hiding her paranoid delusions. I got out 3yrs ago and planned to never speak to her again. I was a kid, I didn't know why she was screaming/ sobbing/ ranting...abusing/ neglecting/begging me for help. All I knew was that she was NOT my Mom, the woman who used to love me --and that therefore I was free to hate her fucking guts. (Fun aside--imagine trying to explain this theory to a shrink without sounding crazy yourself.) And now she's getting help, hooray. Diagnosis! Explanations! Meds and therapy and doctors, oh my. She wants to "reconnect" now that she's "herself again." She showed me the notebooks filled with her scribbled delusions. I've agreed to meet with her one a month, with a friend I trust. But I don't want to forgive her and I don't even want to hear her explanations or even understand "why." Is this wrong of me? Morally? or in terms of my own sense of peace? People tell me I need closure and I get that too. But I DON'T EFFING WANT IT. (You know that movie Silver Linings Playbook? I HATE that movie. I hate that I'm supposed to feel so sorry for him. I'm so pissed at Bradley Cooper for ruining his own hotness for me, forever.)
  12. <<<<<<<TRIGGER WARNING>>>>>>>>>Last friday ( Nov 14th) the house right next to mine burned down, nearly costing me my own house,pets and belongiings I was sittting on the couch doing my word finds which i ussually do to unwind when I heard this very loud BANG! that shook my house, saw smoke and heard my neighbor yelling GET OUT! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! NOW! I saw flames shooting out of the windows and door of the house close to mine ( which was 10 feet away) and All I could think of was if I am gonna loose it all F**** it and let ME burn up too then. Then nighbors had been using like 7 space heaters at once becuz they refused to pay the gas bill ( using their money for not so great things but you know...). So they overloaded the fuses in the 100+ house. All I recall is myself being DRAGGED out of my own home by a cop becuz i was refusing to leave.. I wanted to just be left the F alone. I can't recall every specific detail and it still makes me very angry to discuss it so I will just post about my recent personality changes. I have become very hateful, Mistrusting and not wanting anyone near me lately. yet at the same time EVERYTHING scares me... even the broken windows my house has. I actually HATE my home now. being here makes me vomit. All i can see outside is the burned debris of what once was the nieghbors house ( never mind the fact these were not good people. I used to babysit their kid). This person turned on me and MY family and even blamed us for the fire. Then she lately emailed me and said " since I lost everything, your house should be next". I did contact the police and filed an order for protection but now i dont know who I can trust anymore.. people come up to me and my family and sneer at us or treat us like scum. it's hard to have sympathy for someone who caused their own plight and were chronic lawbreakers. I feel for their kids but I can't find any pity for the adults since the fire was their fault and they endangered others as well. All I feel is HATE and wanting to smash someone in the face. SURE things COULD have been worse for my family... but the trauma is there and I no longer feel secure.. like ANYTHING could ignite my home. I am also tired of others telling us " well you guys didn't loose anything.. you only have some damage to your home". I have gotten to the point where if someone comes up to me and mentions the fire.. asks questions. I snap and say LEAVE ME THE F ALONE! the other day some woman came up to my mother and handed her a 20$ bill and I snapped and told her I didn't need her pity. We still have to see the debris outside.. plus freeze becuz of busted windows. The broken windows themselves are a major trigger for me since I have a phobia of broken/crakced windows stemming from a childhood trauma. WHEN WILL THE TRUAMAS END?????
  13. Hi, I was taking Lunesta (ezopiclone) occasionally (2mg), because I have a hard time *falling* asleep. (One I'm there I'm fine) The temptation to use it everyday was strong, but I resisted. It is a great pill, I thought. Just the falling asleep feeling is so nice. But in November, I started taking it every day, because I was on an extended work trip, often sleeping in unfamiliar places. Gradually, because I craved oblivion after a long stress day, I would take 1.5 tabs (=3mg) everyday. A few weeks after I started this, I began having really bad "attacks," mood swings very violent, as if a sudden devil came inside me, or someone took a butcher knife to my soul. Rage, irritation, crying fits, extreme hopelessness, despair. I have to lock myself into toilet stalls at work so that I wouldn't yell/cry at my workmates. Then a hyper awareness of the futility of time passing: as if every single second of passing time was a needle puncturing my soul. Every second of time, hurts. Yeah, it really is that bad. These attacks sometimes last hours, sometime minutes. When they leave, I'm fine again, maybe a little low level sadness, but basically ok. My Pdoc is telling me that it "could be" the Lunesta, but it "could be" the accumulated stress of my living situation and eating disorder. He wants me to try Sonata. He tells me that my situation is giving me psychotic attacks. I've never had these kinds of violent possessions before. They're so bad I can't even remember the feelings well when I'm out of them. I'm also taking Wellbutrin, 75mg a day. It seems like the "side effects" of Lunesta, as listed, could include these kinds of attacks. Maybe. Does anyone have any insight or experience with this? I'm tapering my intake of Lunesta down, and coping with taking a long time to fall asleep, but these attacks are continuing.
  14. My happiness is the only reason for me finding good meaning about me as a person and finding good meaning in this life. Without that, there would be nothing good about me as a person or anything good in my life. I can just use my thoughts alone to perceive me and my life being good even without my pleasure. But these are nothing more than neutral (neither good or bad) thoughts and that would not make me or my life anything good at all regardless of how much I help others and do great things in my life. Therefore, since I no longer have any pleasure 24/7 due to my anhedonia (emotional numbness) in which there are never any brief moments of pleasure to any degree whatsoever, this is why there is no longer anything good about me as a person or my life. My dream in life was to be a composer and I was in the process of learning how to compose. My dream was to be a great composer through my pure pleasure alone because, to me, that is the only thing that defines someone as being great. As a matter of fact, the fact that I had the ability to experience feelings of pleasure so great and profound, this would enable me to be a really great composer who would be able to channel those feelings in creating emotionally powerful compositions. Feelings of depression and anhedonia are not classified as feelings at all. They are the taking away of your pleasure and other emotions. Therefore, they are not anything to tap into and channel in creating any type of emotionally powerful composition. Instead, they make you a lesser person and a lesser composer who can only create compositions through intelligence alone which would be nowhere near great and emotionally powerful as opposed to if you were to create compositions through your profound feelings of pleasure. In other words, even the greatest composers in history who had depression and/or lack of pleasure could of been even better if they had their full pleasure to tap and channel into. But I have given up being a composer right now since my only goal in becoming a composer was to tap into and channel my feelings of pleasure I valued so much and create many different types of music through my pure pleasure alone. Creating music through my suffering is NOT what I want to do and doing so would only make me feel that much worse. To me, music is all about enjoyment and creating music through your pure pleasure alone. I have given up being a composer because me choosing to become a composer brings me nothing but anger and frustration now since I no longer have any pleasure to tap into and channel. I refuse to be the biological robot in a world that absolutely calls for our experience of love and pleasure (which would be the emotional world of composing) who does nothing but creates music through having no pleasure. I will not channel even my own feelings of anger and frustration in creating music because, again, that only makes me feel worse and is not what I wanted to do at all anyway. Now, if, let's pretend, that I were the greatest composer in the world right now and composed masterpieces, this would actually be the worst moment of my life. This is because these would be the greatest pieces of music I have written and this would be the greatest moment of my life and I am not even allowed to enjoy it to any degree at all. Sure, composing music for other people and bringing them pleasure is good. But music is a very personal emotional thing to me and I must, therefore, experience good feelings from my music. Otherwise, me being a composer is completely pointless and detrimental as it only brings me nothing but rage and frustration knowing that I cannot experience any pleasure from my own compositions whatsoever as well as that I don't have any good feelings to even tap into and channel in creating my compositions which would be much more emotionally powerful since they were created through my emotions (my pleasure) rather than them being created without such feelings. Since my personal experience of pleasure was so profound and meaningful to me in the past, then I absolutely cannot just simply ignore this and choose to view other things in life as something greater. This is because I reject doing so and reject being the lesser person with a lesser life as a result. Now if you or anyone else here has found other things in life of greater value than your pleasure (which would include finding greater things in life than even your own feelings of love), then you obviously have not experienced these feelings nearly as profound or meaningful as I have to know that they are truly the only good and greatest things in life. Now if you can never fully recover your lost love and pleasure, then at least you have spent your entire life by being the superior human being who has tried to fully recover these things. If you are going to say something such as that living your life trying to fully recover these lost feelings instead of accepting this loss and moving on is a wasted life, it's not a wasted life. Like I said before, feelings of love and pleasure are the only greatest aspects of me as a human being and are the only things that make my own personal life worth living. So for me to abandon them and instead live my life for other reasons besides trying to fully recover them, THAT would be the wasted life for me. Finally, one might say that I am still a good person since I still care and help others anyway. However, to me, someone who helps and cares for others is no better or worse than someone who is a psychopath and kills others. The only thing that makes you a better or lesser person is your amount of pleasure in life regardless of who you are as a person. Since I have lesser pleasure, that makes me a lesser person than even Hitler himself who has more pleasure in life (although there may be moments where he definitely had bad moments in his life from harming others). The reason why I say this is because, again, my personal experience of pleasure says this since it was so profound and meaningful to me and there is nothing in life that can ever take place of that regardless of how much I try and change my attitude and other things. I refuse to even try anyway since that would make me the lesser human being with a lesser life as I stated earlier in my writing.
  15. I was diagnosed bipolar 2 at 17 and mixed type about 2 yrs ago. I was doing some reading because I have been off meds for a few months and things are just getting worse. Anyhow I read that bipolar swings have periods of normal in between. Now I am confused. I honestly do not remember a time when I wasn't hypomanic, full blown manic, extremely depressed, extremely angry, or a combination of them all at the same time. So my question is could it be something else? My moods swing anywhere from a few times a day to consistent for over a year. It feels like just in the last 3 years I have been all over the place. The way I am right now is completely different from how I was last year and the year before that I was different from the last 2 years. My moods never stop. I am always in some extreme there has never been a calm or what would be considered normal phase.
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