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Found 13 results

  1. I relapsed today. After over a year of being clean. I’m super stressed out about a test and my mind immediately went to self harm. So I did it. I’m sad.
  2. I was self harm free for 6 months and then I relapsed and I feel really bad about it. I haven't been able to get up the courage to tell my therapist because I'm scared of being put back into the hospital. Any advice?
  3. My friend went off of his meds about 1.5 years ago. He claimed that he was incorrectly diagnosed because he has not had a "relapse" since. He suffered through 8 different hospitalizations in 9 months but has been out since. He was Dxed with Bipolar I, most recent episode manic, with psychotic features by five different P-docs. Our question is is 1.5 years without a relapse normal for BP I? Was he incorrectly Dxed? He claims that his normal up and downs do not exceed the point where he needs to be inpatient and that the doctors incorrectly Dxed him.
  4. I've been clean since my last slip up in November, before that I can't remember when I did it, it was over 6 months. Today I'm feeling super on edge and I keep thinking about hurting myself. I'm trying not to, but I feel like it might help. I don't know who to turn to, my boyfriend is away and nobody else knows about it, except my ex, and well, I don't want to go there. I'm trying so hard to fight the urge to do it. The last relapse was the worst I've ever done it and it scared the shit out of me, I guess not for long..
  5. I used to cut myself a lot. I never did a lot of damage, but it got to the point where I felt like I couldn't stop. I've been doing better for a long time, but a recent wave of anxiety and depression has me tempted to relapse. I hate admitting that I still have this problem in my twenties. I guess I was hoping it was something I could grow out of. Thanks for listening. Any advice or encouragement would be more than welcome. Is there someone else that feels this way?
  6. Hi, I've never posted on a site like this before so please correct me if I do anything wrong. I'm at a stage in my life where I don't have any friends I can confide in, and the last time my family found out I got screamed at so I'm not about to do that. Thus why I'm hoping posting here can help me a little. I have self harmed for about 7 years now. And as I get older I seem to get stupider and the self harm gets worse. It went from just scratches to digging motions to burning to losing control and finding myself with entire limbs dripping in blood. I so desperately want to stop. It is a dream of mine to go a year without self harm...but the longest I've ever been able to go in the last 7 years is 5 months. When I break the 5 months it's usually just a few tiny scratches that I don't bother to hide because you can't tell its self harm. But right now I am in my definition of a relapse. I've cut at least once a week if not more for the past two months and I can't make myself stop. But I really really want to. I have a boyfriend now and I'm trying to get a job, so I can't really hide anything I do unless it's on my legs, but my legs scar super easy so it's impossible to hide there either. I don't know why I can't stop. Every time I think I have, I haven't. Even if I try to get rid of my tools, I find new ones. I have tricked friends into giving me paper clips just so I could do it when I threw mine away. I don't know what I am doing wrong. Why I can't stop.
  7. I've been in remission for a few months now, but recently I've fallen quickly into a total relapse: where I'm doing ALL the behaviours I was doing when my ED was at its worst originally, the excessive exercise and the extreme restriction. I think it's because the stress and anxiety I'm feeling has built up so much that I've displaced it all onto food, I'm not really sure. But how has anyone on here ever dealt with a full blown relapse? I don't want to end up back where I was. I want to try to pull myself out before it gets TOO bad. Where do I start though: the behaviours or the thoughts?
  8. So i tried out some of my old mindfulness techniques. these were ones i learned back when i was diagnosed with ocd. as it turns out, me saying that these techniques stopped working to all my psychologists and psychiatrists, was actually just me not doing it like i did when it did work. what i mean by this is, i was supposed to 'label things i saw'. and go 'oh that's just the .... thought' when an intrusive thought came up. that worked when i was undergoing ocd treatment at least. and i think it didn't work before, because i attempted to do it 'on the go' when i really needed to just sit down and do it 5-10 minutes a day. so as it turns out, i just did it today, and it's so far had positive effects - i feel less worried and more together, and like i am not going to die every second, and less restless. but there is one thing that alarms me, it feels like this terrible sensation had gone and is coming back again, like in my chest where it almost suggests to me that not only am i going to be harmed by someone around me, that what i'm doing has no consequences in the future, and that i will fail at everything in the future, and there is no desire to do things day to day anymore. like i hate this, and i think it's called avolition, but i had it 'full on' without stopping it, until today where i've had the littlest bit of relief due to mindfulness. almost like a fear of relapsing into avolition, but the thing with this is, that i can feel the avolition and it's like i know i'm going to relapse inevitably, or stop doing mindfulness, like the voices are 'in on it' . i was just wondering whether people have successfully tackled avolition? and whether anyone had an opinion on schizophrenia and mindfulness and whether it actually works - one thing i've noticed unlike other times, is that i actually have a question to ask on here, and am just not pointlessly rambling because i'm scared or feel threatened by you guys (almost as if you guys are out to kill me through my computer) - so there's some development.
  9. Hi All, I have posted on here awhile back before but haven't been back. I don't know, maybe I feel like I don't have a "real" addiction, like this is more of an "acting out" thing and/or a BPD self-harm thing than actual "addiction." However, over the past 18 months of so, I have struggled off and on with DXM abuse (cough medicine that has a dissociative/mild hallucinogenic effect, maybe like ecstasy... don't know for sure because I have never tried ecstasy or "harder" drugs than pot.) I am embarrassed because this is commonly abused by mainly teenagers-- and I am 30 and never used it as a teen. I am also embarrassed because I work as an addictions therapist and, well, I am struggling with substance abuse (and its like some of my colleagues in recovery who may relapse-- I never had this problem to begin with.) I actually think both of these reasons contribute greatly to my urge to abuse this (or any, I guess) substance. It feels like a very rebellious defiant adolescent part of me that is driven to do these behaviors-- because I grew up "too fast" due to trauma stuff, had a very restrictive household, and didn't get the opportunity to experiment with drugs as a teen (maybe driving my choice for that substance in particular-- although it could also be because of lack of access to other drugs because I am so socially isolated that I don't know how to obtain drugs). Also, my use of this substance started very shortly after a work-related traumatic event...and somewhat of an irrational sick sense of jealousy of my clients (maybe for having a more "tangible" problem than addiction rather than complex trauma which hasn't seemed to have a clearly defined recovery path or support groups or IOPs or anything like that thus far... yeah, I know irrational and distorted and probably insensitive to people with "real addictions" but that is how I emotionally feel, not what I truely believe). I am baffled by my continued use of this substance, as I no longer get much of an effect from it at the doses I do (and I am terrified and unwilling to do more) and when I do feel an effect, it is largely negative. I don't enjoy it and never really did, don't crave it physically. I also haven't experiences much "consequences" of my use, which makes me worried that I don't have too much motivation to stop. My consequences are: weight gain/bloating/stomach effect from the substance, spending money on something pointless (not to to point of even remotely causing financial problems), and sense of self-shame. No one in my life knows (except my MH team, which is monitoring me), I don't use in front of other and if I am somewhat under the influence it is not noticeable to my family/SO, it is (questionably) legal, etc. But I do want to stop because I feel it does interfere with my emotional well-being (if for no reason other than the shame factor), want to be healthy, and want to focus on accomplishing higher level goals. I know it's typical for people to say they are on a "downward spiral". However, for me, I feel I am on a slightly "upward spiral"-- that is, I've been able to abstain from increasingly longer periods of time (4 to 7 days versus using daily or every other day). But, of course, my goal is complete abstinence. I'm not sure how to achieve this. I have been trying to track my "sober days" and create a reward system for myself for each sober day, with increasing reward for increasing length of sobriety. Maybe that has contributed to my increasing length of time between uses? I don't feel like AA/NA is an option for me, due to 1.) risk of running into clients at meetings (even if I went a little further away, I have worked in other facilities farther out in both directions, and I would still run the risk of seeing former clients), 2.) embarassment over not using a "real drug" and feeling the need to be dishonest about what I use, and 3.) some issues I have with 12 step model in general. I have been dusting off the DBT skills to reincorporate my skills into my life, and I think that has also been helpful in my recovery. But any suggestions you have, the better. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. P.S. I have a MUCH harder time resisting when I am about 7 to 10 days premenstrual just like with food cravings (and do have a PMDD diagnosis), so any suggestions for during this period (no pun intended) are also appreciated.
  10. So I just relapsed after 2 years. Some of you may have seen my exboyfriend post. WELL he unfriended me on facebook-probably because of some stuff I was going through that may have been over the top. And I sent him a message and friend request. He ignored me.... so I thought. And that hurt me bad because I have no friends. I felt like he was gonna ditch me like everyone else does.Turns out due to it being 4th of July he was out really late but his computer was left on so it LOOKED like he had seen the message but he didn't. At least that's what he's saying. And he's on his phone. So I cut for nothing. It was for nothing.... But it felt so good to do it. T_T I don't think I can stop now.
  11. So, I'm quite new here, but anyways. I got depressed and started cutting when I was 11, tried to commit suicide and all that during the next 4 years. I went through a therapy. When I was 15 I was completely fine, there were lows, and thoughts of self injury, but hey, it's normal isn't it ? Now I am 17, and I went to Asia for an exchange programm. I'm here since ten month. And I was abstinence from self harm around two years. I faced some problems here, I was sexual abused for example, but I don't have issues with that, I mean hello ? I'm not a victim, and I could protect myself, so hey, I am fine. The thoughts came more often. Cutting, cutting, cutting. Blood, Blood, Blood. And yesterday I freaked out and I did it. And not too bad. After 2 years, 37 cuts. Not bad my friend. So now, I am scared, I don't know what to do and I'll go home in 2 weeks. What to do now ? Everybody thinks and says I'm fine, but in fact, today I could do it again. Just to calm down. To make the voices shut up. To feel good. In fact, I don't regret it. I don't think Hey, I did something wrong to myself, I just think, hey, you disappointed everybody again, if you tell anybody.And my family, they're so proud and happy that I'm so grown up and mature and fine now. And my friends they are so excited. And my ex therapist, she's so fond of me. And everything just works out fine. Except that I want to destroy myself. Any suggestions ? I would be glad for some kind of help or advice
  12. Hi there, I'm new to this website and I just had a relapse for the first time in a month. I have a bit of a story to go with it, so bear with me for a few lines? I went to a mental hospital for ten days at the beginning of March, and when I got out, they put me on Prozac and right into counselling. Well, I figured out in my session yesterday that I had been sexually abused not once, but twice in my childhood by two different parties. Needless to say, I have been dwelling on it and I'm very, very affected by this. I haven't cut since I went into the hospital (having gone there with cuts that could have warranted stitches), but I relapsed tonight just thinking about what I had figured out yesterday. I've been a compulsive cutter for three years, and hardly ever stopped. I just... I really need some help. What do I do? How do I deal with a relapse? How do I make sure I can stop myself this time, or the next time it happens? I've hardly ever gone more than a couple weeks without self-harm in some fashion, as far as I can truly remember. I don't know how to stop myself without going back to the hospital. I would really like some help. I would be very relieved to receive some. Thank you.
  13. 3 weeks ago we moved across the state. The husb decided to transfer to a different department (I supported that decision wholly), however we only had a few weeks to find a place to live (plus find a moving company, get a loan to pay for breaking our lease plus pay for security deposit on the new place, etc...). Those few weeks of searching for a new home were a nightmare. We started filling out transfer/change-of-address forms two different times for two different places, but due to incompetent realtors and a husband and wife that weren't communicating with each other about their pet policy, we didn't find a place until 4 days after the husb started his new job (he rented a hotel room for a week and then drove back). It was seriously nerve destroying. I managed to really, seriously hold my shit together until almost 2 weeks ago. Every day I'm losing it more and more and I don't know what my problem is. I've been pretty proud of maintaining relative stability for the past several months and when I did slip into depression, it didn't last more than a few days/couple of weeks, and it certainly didn't dip down this low. It's not quite as bad as it's been in the past, but the past few days I've started to experience psychotic symptoms again and I have no idea what to do (started with phantom smells, but a couple days ago I started hearing things, and last night and today I've been seeing things again). I feel that I would be a burden to my tdoc if I called her, even though the plan was to call her for our normal weekly sessions until I decide if I'm going to find someone new or what. That worry is completely irrational and for the most part, I realize it, but there's another part of me that is telling me that I'm simply being a realist and, factually, I would be burdening her. The same thing with my pdoc. I go back to him in April (drive back to Charlotte) and because of the psychosis, I feel that maybe I should call and let him know now, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I've moved in the past, I've been screwed up, but now I've been so stable that I thought even through the move and the unexpected stressors, I would be able to hold it together and be a capable adult. And I certainly didn't expect to go downhill a week after the move ended. I found a local therapy joint that seems to have an incredible staff and their website has been open in my browser for days, but I can't seem to call them and I don't know why. I know that in the past every time I went into a consultation with a new therapist, hospitalization was always recommended. Eventually the husb started to come with me because I didn't need to be in the hospital, I just was really fucked up and needed to say what was happening without the threat of hospitalization. My current tdoc didn't freak out a bit during our first session, and this is why she's wonderful and why I'm scared of finding someone new. So, what's the deal? Does moving do this to people that have been relatively stable for several months?? I want it to just be the move and have someone tell me that "It's just because you moved; you'll be totally fine!" So, yes, someone tell me that, and mean it.
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