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Found 20 results

  1. So I've been with my boyfriend on and off for almost 5 years. I want to love him I really do, I want to have a good relationship. But we don't even have sex. I'm 21 years old, almost 22. I still love with my mom and I suffer from depression. I'm worried I'll fall into a spiral of depression like I did the last time we broke up and I almost committed suicide. It would be so much easier if I had someone to talk to to tell me it would all be fine and i will find somebody else who makes me way more happy. Honestly I don't remember when my life was somewhat normal. I work 50,000 times harder then my boyfriend. I actually make decent money and I'm going places and being recognized for things I do. Where as my boyfriend hasn't worked in months, he just now got a job that pays him an average amount of money. For a man I think it's shit pay. My dad and all the men in my family basically except my mom side. Work super hard for their cash. My dads side is very traditional in that sense. So the fact that I'm dating a low life is very concerning. I have cheated and we broke up then got back together a few times. We have got in raging fights etc I've thrown things. Clearly very unhealthy. I used to be much happier. I wish I had friends. My only friend is my mom and him. It's very depressing. Right now I'm on a very low dose of escitalopram. Which helps a bit and my job definitely helps but I don't have a good support system at home. I miss having friends and a supportive boyfriend. I don't know how to help this situation. Or maybe I do and I just need some encouragement. Any advice? Anyone been through something similar? No judgment please. If I want judgment I'll go to Yahoo answers... lol thanks in advance ?? photo is from when we first started dating maybe less than I year in.
  2. I was reading a question from the relationship subreddit on, of course, Reddit to my fiancé. He mentions that sometimes people DO keep photos of an ex on their phone, which I kinda don't get if they have Facebook...isn't that kinda the point? Wouldn't you want to delete them so you don't get all hurt feelings again? Photos of the two of you, MAYBE. But just them? He says maybe to remember the good times you did have. Or if you were married to them and had kids, cause you still love them (that makes a LITTLE more sense, my dad still loves my mother, they were married and had me. He still loves the mother of his son, no matter what bad shit my mom did to my dad, or my fiancé's ex did to him, I get it. and children make a stronger bond in a marriage, IMO at least.) So what do yall think?
  3. Been awhile since I been here, a lot has happened in the last few months. I got engaged, my fiance was in jail for 2.5 mo, and it sucked. Now, he's back. We fought the first three days or so, cause we hadn't been around one another. Fighting's died down, but my jealousy issues are back and fucking kicking. Lovely, I know. Even with his checking out other woman or liking porn at times. I get a fear when we get married he'll find someone prettier and better, and leave me. Do I think he'll ever cheat? No. Leave? Maybe. He says he loves me will never leave, unless I do something insane i.e. stab him, shoot him, cause bodily harm, etc . He also referred to my jealousy as me being crazy. I've not been stable taking my meds, again. For awhile now.....or gone to counseling in awhile. Him being in jail kinda threw us off entirely. We've got our first pre-marital counseling session with my therapist (who's actually an LMC) next week. We used to go to sessions together, too. But I want our marriage to work, and he seems like he does, or says so. We currently aren't living together, either. He lives a couple blocks from me. A friend of his who's never liked me, doesn't like me being over. Won't say why. My dad doesn't like him being here, I moved back home. I just hope my jealousy issues go down, that I believe he cares. My dad doesnt like us being together, claims my fiance has no ambition. He has been out of jail maybe two weeks now, and just got his job back. Starts Sunday, my dad worries he won't be able to take care of me.....
  4. A man I am rather fond of and has shown other flirting behaviours before referred to me as "The lovely (my name)" the other day - im not quite sure exactly what he meant if that makes sense? What do you think could be the deeper meaning behind this? Was he flirting perhaps?
  5. Recently, I have been overcome with periods of intense sadness. Out of nowhere, I will experience crying and feeling completely overwhelmed to the point it sometimes takes an hour to get over it. This is a problem, especially when I am at work or in public. Any kind of slightly emotional thought seems to trigger it. I feel like I am always at the edge of bawling. Here is some background: In the past year, my adult son (23) nearly died in an auto accident, fully recovered, then had a massive stroke last month, fully recovered again, but has a couple more surgeries to go. In the meantime, my marriage with his step-dad has deteriorated quickly due to his unemployment and subsequent bankruptcy. Now I know this seems like a "Duh", but I am not a person who "does" emotions well. I am pretty much of a suck it up type. My meds have been working great this past year and got me out of a multi-year depression, but now I am really irritable and some symptoms of my mania are coming back (high libido, racing thoughts, lack of concentration). Going to start talk therapy again soon and have an appointment with med doc, but what do I call this what I am experiencing? Sadness Attack is the best I can come up with. Anybody else experience this kind of thing?
  6. This has been happening for well over 3 years, just some periods of time more than others. Sometimes I won't do it for a month or so and I'll be doing it again afterwards. I can't say I've read every post they made, cause it's a lot, and I mean tens of thousands, but I have been reading recent ones posted after they took a break. I've also downloaded every remaining picture of them uploaded in there about half a year ago. Do take note that I am still having contact with this person outside the forum on a regular basis, since we are friends, but I haven't been in the forums in a while and I don't plan to log in anytime soon because I am disgusted with myself. But I can't stop doing it. I am so tired of going through this over and over.
  7. Hi all, I need some serious advice. I'm getting to the point where I do not trust my own thoughts - I don't know what is genuine concern vs. me over-thinking, over-analysing, anxious.... etc So I'm in a new relationship, about 8 months in. Came straight from an old relationship, really we both did. We knew that there would be hurdles with this, and for the most part have acknowledged and moved on from the baggage we were "putting on each other" from our previous relationships. I was clingy, and she was detached. We almost called it quits a couple of months ago, until we realised we were doing that to each other and things have been really good. In fact, she has moved in a couple weeks ago (I should add here, this is a first for me - totally new territory. I've had one other serious relationship, J has had a few and lots of non-serious ones). All things considered, things have been great since then - we've not had any significant "living" conflicts since either, it's just been working. We have, however, had conflicts of the more significant "relationship" kind. But were they real or a result of my (newly discovered) anxiety...? J has not told me she loves me yet, I have her. She says she is not ready to say it. I do feel love from her most of the time, and most of the time i do think she loves me and is just scared, due to previous hurt, to say the words. This feels like a source of anxiety for me, it's a really vulnerable place to be, even though logical brain says "You feel it, she's here, it's fun - don't stress over it. When she's ready, she's ready." Yet over-thinking brain retorts, "She should know by now. We have a great relationship, why won't she trust me with the words. If she can't say it now she probably won't" So how do you know what's real and what's created in your head? Last night we had a fight. I'll elaborate and use it as the primary example for my question... I wanted to make a nice dinner for her. I'm not that great at cooking, it takes me forever and i always make a huge mess. J is amazing at cooking and loves to, so she has been doing most of the cooking, and I wanted to give her a break. Because I don't want to seem like I need "looking after," and because I genuinely enjoy doing nice things for the woman I love. So I went to the store after work and got the ingredients, and started preparing when I got home. J came home from work (she is quite unhappy with her current job) and gave me a hug and kiss before jumping in the shower (she needs to wash work off almost immediately). All good. After her shower she went outside for a cigarette and wine to wind down. She usually surfs facebook or whatever during this time. So that's all good. I left her be, I know she likes her wind down time and really values alone time. Anyway, J also had to complete some online training things for work she'd been putting off that were due tomorrow, which i understood. So after her chill out she did that while I was still working on dinner. All good. Finally I'm ready to actually start cooking (The dinner in it's entirety took 2.5 hours to prepare and cook. And 10 minutes to eat, go figure!). J comes out and sits while I cook the chicken on the BBQ and we eat. She seems detached and quiet, she says I do also. We eat, everything is all good. She says she has to go finish the course, but only has a couple minutes to go. So I sit outside and wait. About 20 minutes goes by and I got over waiting so I started cleaning up after dinner, and did the dishes (before you assume, she does her fair share too - there's no issue here). She said she was sorry it was taking so long. During the dishes she finished up and sets up Netflix for a series we've been watching. Finally some couple time. So we're watching TV, and then she whips out her phone again and is doing that. I start to feel a little crappy. I feel like I put all this effort into a nice dinner, and then I get nothing for it. "But then, I didn't do it to get anything in return. I did it because i enjoy doing nice things for her" my logical brain kicks in. "But why doesn't she appreciate it enough to want to just be with me, not be with her smart device, with me" the over thinker says... "You're quiet" J says. "Well, talking to the back of your phone is pretty fucking stupid" I think about saying, but don't. It began to consume me. I couldn't relax, even though after working a nine hour day and going straight to the store and then straight into a 2.5 hour dinner escapade and being exhausted. So I say i'm going to go to bed. She was doing something with her hair, both arms. I leant in to give her a kiss goodnight but she didn't stop doing what she was doing so I sat up and started to the bedroom. "Don't I get a kiss" She said. Maybe she didn't see me lean in? So i kissed her and went to bed. I just wanted her to come lay with me. I toss and turn. "Don't go out there, don't say it" logical brain says. "You're just over-thinking it and it won't go well, stay here." I didn't. I went out there, and said I was feeling anxious. Then we ended up having a fight. She said things like "I feel analysed" "You're hyper-aware of me." "What I do shouldn't effect your mood so much" I say, "Noticing you're distant is being hyper-aware? Or, am I just not a disconnected idiot?" (her last partner was a detached, emotionally immature guy who had all the time in the world for everything but her) "You're making me feel like an intruder" she says. "I'm not able to do my own thing" (I should add here, she's moved into my place BUT I have really tried to the best of my abilities to make her know I want it to be OUR place. I've said she's welcome to bring whatever she likes, hand pictures/paintings where she likes, arrange kitchen and bathroom and all those kind of things guys do badly how she likes...) She's kind of right. She should be able to do what she wants to do, and not feel like she's neglecting me. My last relationship, I was always out doing my own thing, things that interest me. I barely gave my last relationship the time of day. Maybe I'm associating that, with a failed relationship somehow? Being over-needy as a big 180 turn from my last? Anyway. As a result, I have no trust in my own thoughts. I'm so conflicted. Are my concerns real and should I bring them to the table, or am I just manifesting them from a place of over-thinking and anxiety? Is she actually not right for me and that's the source of anxiety, OR is the anxiety making me think and feel this way? We apologised in the morning, and she held me after our fight when I was in tears of frustration because I just wanted sleep and my head wouldn't stop. So I guess things are OK, but I still feel weird and need some advice. This was a super long post i know, but thank you if you made it to the end.
  8. I'm not really dating this guy, but we're in the talking stage, we've been talking since October 17th. We don't have tons in common, but when we first met i felt a spark. And that first night, the idea of sleeping in the same bed made me upset honestly. Like i've never hated the idea so much. We've had a few fights, started by me...oops? I get paranoid easy and keep thinking he's ignoring because I'm kind of clingy. But I don't feel the butterflies as much as I did in the beginning. We have a good sex life, we have the same morals, and I see myself having kids with guy and getting married later on. The thought of leaving him DESTROYS me and makes me wanna cry. At one point it didn't but now it does, it really does. I feel like he's all I know. I had this same problem with my first real boyfriend in the beginning. We have our first date this coming weekend and i'm actually super excited. He loves me for me, and has no problem with how I look or act. The good thing about us being opposite is i' m like a turtle in a shell and he is trying to break me of that. He's a country boy and i'm like a goth/metalhead. I like this different lifestyle I get introduced to, and I really wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him. I really only get butterflies when I see him, and I'm not...fighting with him. I've read so many articles that it's normal to not feel the butterflies after awhile but I know with my paranoid schizo and bpd...and anxiety...and not being on my meds...for..weeks...oops..probably doesn't help. HELP?!
  9. Hi Everone, I just want to experience my Mdma experience with everyone so that I can get some help. so this all happened to days back , me and my BF had gone to one place for vacation and on the last day we decided to try mdma cuz he had already tried it once before and he told me it was amazing and he loved it. We scored at night and had mdma and left for the party with a guy friend who we met just one day before cuz his house was ryt next to ours. Wen we reached the party place it was all good we felt very energetic we were sweating nd feeling chills but it was nice we were dancing like crazy. Then after d party was over we went to that friends friends house which was next to ours.. And there also we danced for sometime nd then we decided to leave for our room . On d way i threw away a used paper napkin from my pocket and then he suddenly stopped nd suddenly started searching in the ground nd he told me that he just saw me throwing away drugs from my pocket. After that he was continuously hallucinating that somewas watching us nd he started looking for that person . I tried consoling him that whatever he was thinking wasn't real but he dint seem to listen at all. He kept doing this for next 7-8 hours searching for an imaginary person and looking for the drugs that i hid from him. i felt so helpless cuz he was acting like a retard in d middle of the road for hours.i had no idea about these things cuz i tried mdna for the first time and i was all fine. Alsohe accused me of havind sex with the friend we went to party with also the imaginary man whereas I was in front of his eyes and nothing of that sort had happened. Later on he took me to our room he locked it and started asking questions about me cheating on him with two guys and then he started beating me up real bad. Trust me ..i hav been with him for four years and I have never seen a face like that. It was d he had no love for me . He kept hitting me for 1 hour till i bled. i still think of his face that tym i get scared to death .it was like a nightmare . We have never had trust issues or violence issues in four years.i still cant blv a single drug can do this. He felt bad of hitting me the next day but even after 2 days he feels watever he hallucinated was true. I just want to know if he is always gonna have this doubt of me cheating or he will realize it that he was hallucinatin n nothing was real. Shud he need to go to the doctor. pls is there anyone who can help me. I love my bf a lot and he is suffering by blving something that's not even true.can anyone answer my questions nd give me advice
  10. I’m caught up between my boyfriend and my ex. I spent the night with my ex the other night due to some family issues and I just needed out of the house. My ex is caught up into some bad stuff. Drugs, selling, drinking, smoking weed. There’s never really a time he’s TRULY sober. When I spent the night my boyfriend didn’t want us sharing the bed, but we did. His excuse was I don’t want another man in bed with my girlfriend yet his friend laid on the bed when he left so we could watch OITNB together. My ex cuddled me that night, and started to get me in the mood by rubbing my legs….it felt so amazing but I didn’t give in. I even had him meet my boyfriend before that night so he’d know who I was staying the night with. I fantasized about my ex, I still do, I just wanted his hands and lips all over my body…..but he screwed me over in the past when he left me for his ex. Last night, I got into it with my boyfriend. I put everything on the table. He knows I still like my ex and redeveloped feelings for him. I didn’t plan to, no one plans these things. My boyfriend is very shy and reserved. And totally not confrontational, so that’s something that doesn’t make me feel safe….what if something were to happen and I needed him to defend me? He’s so sweet and god to me. He reminds me how beautiful I am. He helps me with my family issues and my anxiety and depression. Etc. Last night when I was upset and crying I was at a friends house, and he was going to walk there when I was upset in the wee hours of the morning so I’d feel better. I wanted him or my ex. No one else… I see my boyfriend and I having a life together, kids, etc. He works, he doesn’t do drugs anymore, and he’s an overall good guy. I got mad at him for not ever getting mad at me for one, last night. Because of what happened with my ex and I. He said it’s because he trusts me, which is great but he can still get mad….I didn’t do anything with my ex. Believe me, I wanted to. But I held off….right now my ex and I are kind of mad at each other, again. We do this every time. We fight, forgive each other and are fine again. And it’s over and over….My BPD makes me attach to people easily, so when one person isn’t giving me attention and someone else is, there I go getting attached. My boyfriend’s roommate won’t let me see him at their place anymore, he’s working when I’m not. Or I’m in school when he’s not working. One of us is in the mood when the other isn’t. He’s the first and only guy I’ve slept with and my first real adult relationship. I’m his first girlfriend since he is so quiet and reserved too./….I don’t wanna give my boyfriend up because I’m pretty sure guys like him are dime a dozen and I don’t think I could find that again. I’m totally comfortable around him too. I’m semi comfortable with my ex since we didn’t last as long….this is also the longest relationship I’ve had. Coming up to a year… What should I do…? I feel like I’m hurting him…
  11. I am extremely concerned about this. My depression has gotten out of control lately and I find myself crying almost all of the time everyday which is not normal for me. It is agonizing to me. I tell my husband that I just need extra affection and to be extra sensitive. However, he says that him doing that doesn't seem to help and has started getting frustrated with me and often has an attitude toward me when I get upset or acts angry or as if he doesn't care. I told him that him acting that way toward me will only make it worse, and while doing the things I asked may not make it go away, it will help me feel comforted and get through this rough part easier than with him acting this way to me. Unfortunately, I need therapy. Medication alone isn't helping, but because of our work and school schedules, it is impossible for me to ever get the chance to go for a long time. The only places I have time to go to is class on his days off and to get anything we may need on the way home. My classes also last from early morning until evening. The other part of the strain is that we do not spend much time together. This isn't by choice either, we both hate it. He works two jobs to be able to pay the bills living pay check to pay check. He works night shifts full time and during the day at his other job with only a few hours of sleep inbetween. On his days off, are the days I have class so he can watch our son since we cannot afford a babysitter or childcare, nor do we have any friends or family that live close enough to help us, even sometimes. So our time together is very brief, and often consumed by our son. Since we have no one to watch him, we never get time to ourselves, which we have both expressed we want very badly. For a while, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. He started getting trained for a management position so he could only have to work one job. We would get to be together more and that would put less stress on both of us. Maybe even get an occasional babysitter too. However, because he works two jobs, it takes quite the toll on him. Because of this, his boss says he is not giving him the promotion because of his lack of focus and inconsistency. Sadly, that won't change until he gets promoted or another job that pays enough for only one job. At the same time, he won't get promoted unless it does change. It is vicious cycle and I know it greatly disappointed him more. I was also very upset because this means we have to continue living like this, so miserable. I'm at a loss of how to handle or cope with this.
  12. Hi, I have a problem. I have been in the most perfect relationship for a year, he is the perfect man. This guy treats me like a Queen, I can trust him, he is supportive, we are in the process of buying a home together, he wants children with me. Prince Charming has nothing on my fiancé; however, I'm a cheater. I can't understand why I keep cheating on someone that loves me as much as he does, I know what I'm doing is wrong and he doesn't deserve this, but I feel detached. I have always been emotionally detached, I care about him but I feel like I could do without him. I don't think the problem is him, I have always been emotionally detached since I was a child, my parents always pointed out how "cold" I can be. All my past relationships have been the same way, I find it so easy to get over break ups, I just brush them off. I never feel like I miss anyone. I like meeting people online and talking to them, getting to know their lives and quirks, after the conversation dies, I move on. I don't have any close friends, I did when I was younger, but if something i didn't like about them came up I just moved to the next friend. I am polite and friendly, but I dislike most people. Do I keep cheating on him because he isn't the one? Or am I broken ? (I have cheated in past relationships) I do it for the heck of it, I usually don't feel any emotional connection to the person I am cheating with. I also have a sexual attraction to women, but I have never felt anything emotional for a girl. Why am I so detached? I used to hurt myself when I was younger, haven't done that in a long time. I feel a lot happier with myself right now. ( just extra details).
  13. I am 19. My partner is 24. He is my first love and he loves me down to his bones. We met while I was in a tough and dark space with being diagnosed, grieving the loss of my main caregiver my nanna, failing uni etc etc. Anyway, we live together as a couple in a one bedroom apartment. He works, I am unemployed currently. I do a lot of silly teenage things still and he's old and jaded and apathetic and im the opposite. He has depression and has come to terms with it. I'm bipolar and still struggling sometimes to cope. We talk about kids and we talk about loving each other until we die but because of the whole 'first love never lasts' thing I actually get really afraid and anxious and panic about it ending. There is so much love I can't see it ever really being over. But I don't know. He feels like it can last. He wants this to be a thing that lasts. It's like. Just cause it's first love I feel like I KNOW it will be over sometime soon. The closer we get to our one year thing the more anxious I get. I feel like I'm going to ruin everything. Advice please? I'm gonna turn it into a self fulfilling prophecy.
  14. I have been in a relationship with a great man for two and a half years now. Despite his good qualities and the fact that we both love each other, I have been struggling with doubts and thoughts like "am I just forcing myself into liking him? Are we really a terrible mismatch?" And the reason that I've been so unsure is that every time we get together, this uncomfortable, weird feeling of stress and anxiety creeps up on me and it lasts until we go our seperate ways again, causing me to believe that something about him is "toxic" or that this is a result of my subconsious trying to warn me and tell me that deep down, I know that he's not right for me. I've googled this alot, spoken to therapists, friends and so on, but everyone keeps telling me that they think I am overly sensitive (wich i probably am) and they all seem surprised that I have suffered from this dreadful anxiety for such a long time when, to them, it's so obvious that my boyfriend is the one causing it. Like, how can I possibly consider staying with this man when I can't even watch a movie with him without getting a headache from all the stress that's going on inside of me? I know I'm kind of a masochist here, but the thing is, a part of me believes that I would feel like this with every man in the world and that the problem lies within myself. I guess I should add that I had a pretty bad childhood. I grew up in a very unsafe enviroment where I couldn't trust anyone and I didn't feel loved. My mom is an alcoholic and my father wasn't around. But I just think it's weird that when I spend time with my parents (the ones who gave me the bad childhood), I feel completely at ease, but when I'm with my great and loving boyfriend, I get so anxious. It seems unfair. He is the only one who makes me feel that way, but behind all of the negative emotions, there are so many good things that I simply refuse to let him go. Also, I have always been quite the love addict, I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm trying to make up for what I lacked as a child. I'm in therapy atm, working on my childhood traumas and depression and already I can feel a new sensation of independence and growing self worth, but still I get all anxious about my boyfriend. So, I'm wondering what this looks like to you. Is that anxious feeling I only get around him, rOCD? And do you have any advise on what to do about it? Thank you so, so much in advance.
  15. I have no one to talk to about this because I don't want to be judged. No one will understand. This is going to be a really long story.. Prior to this I wasn't a relationship person. I would rather just talk to them then get into that. I met my current bf through texting off a mutual friends phone. He just got out of a long relationship.. Like 2 weeks earlier. I would never meet a stranger off Facebook, twitter, or txting but I made an exception for him. I just had this feeling. He really wanted to meet me so I let him pick me up.. And when I saw him I was like omg he's not ugly.. He's actually really cute lol. That day he took me to his room and we smoked a couple blunts. We clicked really well. He tried to have sex but I didn't want to and we made out. I hung out with him a second time a couple days later and we had sex. We were drinking together and he took my virginity. A week after knowing each other he was like so when are you gonna be my gf and I guess we started going out then. I had a lot of guy friends and hung out w/ them regularly and he didn't like that. After a month he told me he wasn't okay with that and I broke up with him. I knew my friends longer than him and he wasn't that important then. A month after we broke up though he texted me randomly to says what's up and asked if I was with anyone now. I wasn't and I thought it was interesting that he cared. At the time I thought he would be like fuck her because I left him for my friends. I didn't think I would hear from him again. We saw each other again and he spontaneously kissed me and then later he told me he had a gf. It was that girl he was previously with. Idk why but that didn't bother me and we continued to fool around in secret for like 6 months. I was still hanging out w/ my friends. But then he started hating that again. He brought it up and he also wanted me to be his. He called me gf #2. I constantly asked him why he cheats and if he didn't like the relationship just leave. He complained about her sometimes. He said he didn't know why but I was the first person he did this with. I liked him too i just wasnt sure about being his gf b/c he had one. Sometimes I would try to ignore him.. But he would blow my phone up with calls, texts, and voicemails. So I couldn't get rid of him and accepted the fact we had feelings for each other. Once when I introduced him to my friend I was like this is _____ my...... And he quickly said boyfriend. So I guess at that point was when I started thinking of us as a couple. We're still a secret but I started to get jealous and mad. I hated being a secret and complained about it. I has to crawl through windows and on the phone he called me another name. None of his friends or family could see me. Then he finally brought me out and around ppl. His mom even knew. he said his dad and uncle had 2 women before also. So i guess thats why he thinks its ok. Everyone knew about me but the other one. A couple times she showed up randomly and I would have to hide in another room til she left. I felt so jealous. He was really nice to me though and we had sex every time we saw each other. Then one day when she showed up again she found out because his mom was like she's in here (the other room). We got into a fight. She came over to say she was pregnant.. No one knew what to do. A couple months later there was a miscarriage though. If there was gonna be a baby I would have left. After that incident there were no more secrets. The jealousy was always there b/w both of us. We can't be in the same room and we don't see each other. There's a lot more incidents that happen in b/w but its too much. We just know the other one exists. It causes some arguments. Somewhere along the road I became the obsessed one. If he doesn't answer the phone I get worried and blow up his phone. I don't hang out with my friends anymore not even girls. I used to drink and stuff but now I don't because he doesn't like that. When we're on bad terms I can't sleep. If I do Fall asleep I have recurring nightmares and will just wake up anyways. I'm not allowed to even text to say what's up to any guy. When we argue we usually just forget about it like an hour later and it's good again. Last week he tried to break up with me and I refused to leave the car until we were ok again. He tried pulling me out the car and I would force myself back in. We made this huge scene in front of my neighbors. He finally dragged me out and when he tried to tried drive out my neighborhood and I ran in front of his car and jumped on the hood. I grabbed onto it and he kept driving.. About 30 mph. He stopped and I fell off and scraped my feet and sprained my finger. He drove off and someone helped. This was out in the road and he drove about 20 feet only. This isn't our first physical issue either. Several times before I have punched his face if I got mad and he would hold me down.. One time we choked me and it hurt to swallow for a week. Idk.. I can't sleep when we fight. I feel crazy and obsessed. I get so anxious if he doesn't pick up.. I guess cuz he could be with someone else. I hate it and I know I should leave but it's hard. I can't believe how turned around things got. Could my behavior or his be diagnosed as something? Sometimes I feel dependent on love but idk. And me and her aren't ok with the other one being there but we love him so much. Since we stay regardless.. Does that mean we really are ok with this situation?
  16. I have been unmedicated for 16 months. In that time I ended a toxic relationship and started a good one. I have been working a full time job that gives me 6 days off each fortnight, but I work hard for those 6 days. All this when I never thought I could do any better, never thought any one else would ever love me and was lead to believe that if I couldn't hold a full time job, that was ok. In the last year I've suffered through house mates who made it clear that I had no say in anything in the house and wasn't really welcome, as well as harassment at work. Things are good now, I've moved into a new position at work that is boring as all hell, but the team is nice and am now living in a nice place with bf. The last couple of days I've crashed pretty hard. Needed a bit of time in bed. Bf doesn't understand, how could he? He hasn't been through this. He takes it personally when I cry constantly and can't get out of bed. If I can't smile, he doesn't want to. He wants me to get better. He asks when I'll get better. If I'll be better tomorrow. When I can't stop crying he tells me he feels bad, and all I want to do is tell him I feel like dying, but I can't even speak. Today he told me I just needed to force myself to do things and I'd get better. He did... He recovered from his short term, situational depression when he started doing things. I've been some form of depressive crazy for 16 years... Pretty sure it's not going away any time soon and if I force myself too much I'll be headed for a break down...again. I love my bf. He's everything. So how do I explain what I'm going through? How do I help him understand?
  17. I'm in a relationship. It still feels weird to me, because it is my first one. I had already given up on ever having a boyfriend (and yes, I'm only 19 but what can I do, I had my lonely life planned out, and I had even accepted it as my future.. anyways...). I love him, I really do. I've never told him though, but he knows. (but that's another issue, that I think I will be able to work out on my own) I know, he loves me too. And we both have no experience whatsoever, which makes our relationship.. kind of honest and natural. We have no idea what we're doing, but it feels great. As long as we're together, it does. He lives in another city, we visit each other every weekend, we skype everyday. In some way he's become my only hobby. I mean, I still do.. stuff, but it's all related to him. I meet my friend, but alls I want to do is talk about him. I spent my free time working on a present I gave him for Christmas. Fortunally he seems to be almost as obsessed with me as I am with him. But. I can't be without him. I can't. I feel terribble. I cry everytime he leaves, even if we are going to meet again in 5 days. As I said I have no idea what I'm doing, so I don't know if this is "normal" behaviour. It doesn't feel good though. I'd be grateful for some input.
  18. I'm new. I’m reaching out for support here because I don’t know where else to go. I’ve distanced myself from everyone other than my husband and counselor out of shame. I pray and I go to counseling, but it just isn’t enough. I need help. Please be kind. I know I’ve done the unforgivable, but I’m having a hard time just making it through the day without killing myself anymore. My husband is considering divorce and he has very valid reasons. He moved out and many states away to live with his parents (he is 25) and asked me to move to the same area and get an apartment. I have. I’m currently just under five months pregnant with our first child and that is making the whole thing much harder. In theory, we are trying to work things out, but I don’t think he is sure of that decision. He left because I lied to him for years. It was a mistake. I thought I had a good reason when I started, but of course I didn’t, and once it started I didn’t know how to get out of it. I told him I had no contact with my biological family except for a sister. I did this because I was on very bad terms with them at the time and planned to cut them out of my life entirely, and didn’t want to involve him in the drama because I thought it would scare him away. We hadn’t been together very long when that lie started. But things didn’t work out the way I planned. The economy crashed, we lost our jobs, and I turned to those same relatives for money and they helped. But I didn’t know how to come clean with him and the lie continued. So I stayed in contact with them, gradually my relatives and I got along better, they continued to help out financially when we needed it, but I still wanted them out of my life. I continued the contact to get the money, to keep us off the streets. In short I used my relatives, and the lie to my now husband continued. I made excuses for where the money came from. He never knew. And that wasn’t the only thing I lied about. There was another big one: my age. We didn’t talk about it at all for a while. When he first thought to ask how old I was, it was after we’d slept together and actually moved in together with a roommate. And I panicked, because I was under 18 still (I’m 21 now) and he wasn’t. So I told him that I just didn’t like talking about my age and didn’t elaborate for months. And that is true; I don’t like talking about it. I spent a while on the streets as a young teen and then in an abusive live-in relationship with someone older, and I learned it was a bad idea to ever mention age because it could get me in trouble. Police could get called, I could go to foster care, and other fears. When he wouldn’t let it drop I lied about it too. I thought he would leave me over what I just saw as a number. I told him I didn’t know how old I was, because I didn’t have a copy of my birth certificate and there was some doubt surrounding my age. I supposedly got it cleared up just before we were married to keep up the lie and present a valid birth certificate in order to get married. I didn’t have a copy of my birth certificate for years while we lived together, but the reason wasn’t the one I gave him. We’ve been together roughly five years, married for under a year. We’ve lived together all but a few months of that time. We have had a lot of relationship problems aside from this. He has had two affairs with the same woman, so trust issues aren’t new to us, this is just the first time he hasn’t trusted me. There have been a few physical incidents as well, if you can call it that. He has held me down against my will on three different occasions and the last time it left marks. The last time was about a year ago now. We have fights that escalate, that started after I became pregnant. He didn’t touch me, just yelled and yelled after I asked him to stop, and I ended up in the ER immediately following two of the arguments because of bleeding and miscarriage scares and the doctor told me it was the stress. I nearly left him when things were bad after the ER incidents. Because we had another really bad fight, I locked myself in the bedroom and he kept yelling through the door, and then he called the police and told them I was armed and trying to hurt myself (neither were true, but since then he has said that he wanted them prepared for the worst.) The operator told him to get away from the door so I could get out, so I packed and left, and he followed me down the block until the police showed up. They checked me for weapons, saw his claim was false, and separated us. But I guess he still went to the magistrate to file some mental health thing against me. We reconciled, I thought. But while we were working on things, he had gotten in touch with my relatives and secretly asked them to fly to where we lived and help him confront me. They did. He moved out of state and so have I, at his request. There have actually been quite a few more problems than that, but I won’t get in to them right now. We’ve had a lot of wonderful times too and I want to save this marriage. A bit about the relatives. I moved out of their house as a young teen. My mother and I had a lot of problems and I didn’t feel safe. She self harmed, she was suicidal throughout my childhood, and we fought all the time. Not normal fights like teenagers and parents have, but stuff that would start small and really get out of hand, even when I tried hard to stop it. She also forced me on a medication that was supposed to be for chronic pain but caused psychotic episodes and I could never trust her after that, because she refused to let me stop taking it when I begged. Lots of bad things happened. I tried to talk to my father about everything that was happening with her, he wasn’t there much, and he didn’t believe me. So I brought him tape recordings of an argument, but he refused to listen to them. I stopped trusting him and I knew he would never protect me if I needed it. So when we got in a fight and she said I could leave and to never expect a welcome back, I left. I crashed on friends’ couches for a while until I ran out of places to stay. Then I lived on the streets and friends covered for me when people asked where I was. Then I got together with a guy who gave me a place to live. He became abusive. I have complex PTSD from that. I moved out after a couple of years to a different city. Things stayed bad with the relatives. We still fought, but over the phone instead. That was what it was like when my husband and I first got together. And now he is understandably hurt and angry. He lives with his parents. I live in an apartment in the same city, supposedly so we can work on our marriage. I’m pregnant. He is considering divorce. I’m in counseling to deal with a host of issues that I’m sure you can see here. He is trying to find a counselor for himself, with no luck so far. I want us to start marriage counseling, but he isn’t sure when or if that will happen. One of his other conditions for working this out is family counseling with my relatives, which my mother, father, and half-sister are supposed to attend with me if they are willing, but he will not be attending. I’ve signed consent forms so that my counselor can tell him everything that goes on in my sessions. I make sure there is proof every week that I’ve been there. I try to be completely transparent. But he has no interest in talking about the issues. I see him once in a while, but not much, because he wants distance. I’m trying really hard to find a job because I don’t have much money left at all, and we have a debt to clear up in our previous state as well. We have separate bank accounts now though. While I’m excited about the baby, the pregnancy hormones are making everything so much worse. But the baby is keeping me from smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing anything self destructive that I might otherwise in this situation, and I know that is good at least. I do struggle with suicidal thoughts on an almost hourly basis right now, but I don’t want to do anything stupid because I love this baby. I hate to see my husband in so much pain and I know I caused it. I do want to fix things. I’m doing everything I can think of and everything he asks. It is so hard. I love him with all my heart; he is my husband and the father of the child I’m carrying. I’m a heartbroken wreck and I have only myself to blame. Please, any advice or support is most welcome. Please be kind though. I know what I’ve done. I’ve taken responsibility for it. I’m doing everything I can to fix things. And I can’t take much more. Thank you.
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