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  1. For too long, I was doing horribly. Multiple hospitalizations, mostly for PTSD and bipolar depression. Well a few weeks ago I started therapy with a great therapist that accepts medicaid. Her office has a giant window that looks over Lake Michigan and that almost makes me happier than the therapy itself. Well anyways, we've been doing standard talk therapy and CBT and the more I talk, the more my issues seem less important. The arguments with family, the anger at my landlord, etc. They just seem less important and don't bother me anymore.I haven't been to a therapist in a year and a half because I thought it was pointless and didn't help but I guess I never found the right therapist (with an awesome view while pouring my guts out.) I also switched from geodon to seroquel 150mg so that is helping too. I am able to drink coffee again without panic and anxiety. I am gaining more interest in things like video games, reaading, coloring. Whereas before I couldn't even shower or brush my teeth. I just stared into space for hours. I really hope this lasts. I've never felt so normal in awhile. I've stayed at depression centers for weeks and months, ptsd trauma center for over a month. Nothing did it. Maybe this is just a fluke and eventually it will peeter out, but I'm hoping for the best. Wish me luck!
  2. Wondering if anyone has any good news to share about finding remission from refractory depression! Whether you've been partially or fully successful at getting your life back, please share your story
  3. About seven years ago I was diagnosed as anorexic along with other things. The meds I was given made me gain weight (which still makes me freak out sometimes). Anyway, of late I have just been off my feed, so to speak. Food doesn't taste good. I have a nutrional drink (nutribreakfast I think) in the am, maybe a yogurt cup in the afternoon, and a small serving of dinner. The only things that taste good are lemonade and pizza. Most of the time I just drink fluids. I know when I was first recovering, everything tasted so intense, so new. Maybe my current meds are affecting my taste. I could go a whole day without eating and not care. I just don't want to fall into bad habits again. Thanks.
  4. Who here has had a very lengthy remission? I ask because when I was a teenager the idea was tossed around I had bipolar. I've then had 10yrs of a very wonderful and enjoyable life. Last June just like a switch went off I was having panic attacks, depression, and thoughts of leaving my husband and times my kids. I've been on brintellix since October and had a great month and half starting in January. Then went back into a depressed and anxious state. At my last appt with the pdoc it was once again mentioned that I could have bipolar. So is it possible that I do, and had a long remission with no meds and had a relapse? Last week I was having a horrible depressive phase. I was also sick. Now I'm better and been having great days, or possibly a manic episode. Interest in sex, feeling good,getting stuff done. I guess we will have to wait and see how long this "good" last to see if I was just having a depressed phase from feel like shit physically or if I'm cycling. I pray it was just from feeling sick and I'm not having magic episodes, and yet if it is indeed a manic episode I will attempt to see the good and that it is making itself more seen that I do indeed have bipolar, even if it does seem to be rapid ccycling.
  5. I tend to avoid anything that makes me feel more stressed out than I already do, which is why it's been taking me so long to get back to my p-doc. I actually like her a lot. It's just that I have to get my charity care re-upped and since I have a lot on my proverbial plate right now, it's a pain in the butt. But I must be feeling better because I'm on the phone calling today making an appointment and trying to get my meds straightened out. Here's the thing, though. I seem to be doing a lot better. I'm acting stable at work, Im not ranting as much, I'm keeping clean and personable, I'm able to make logical decisions. But all of this scares me more than a little bit. Yes, I'm enjoying not being whacked out, but I'm afraid that demon is around the corner somewhere, lying in wait to possess me again. Part of it is that I'm 50 and I've been ill on and off for a long time, which means my chances of having a relapse are high. I'm scared. I'm scared of making friends and then hurting them or disappointing them. I'm scared that I will do something terrible at work. I'm scared that I will start raving on the subway (I've never done this, but still). I'm scared that my life will go in the toilet again and this time there are no more items to sell, no more safety nets, no more anything. I'm scared I'll kill myself or hurt myself. I feel so fragile right now. I don't like admitting how afraid I feel. I don't even like admitting it to myself. I feel traumatized by my own illness, by people's reactions to it, by my own reaction to it. I feel incredibly deep shame that I know I don't need to feel, because I didn't ask to be sick. Nobody knows how sick I've been because I hid it reasonably well. I don't want pity or fear from people. I just want to live my life and say, 'yeah, I was sick but now I'm better, and I don't know how long 'better' is going to last, but I'm just going to hope it stays like this for a while until I can find a way to fully stabilize or until there's some sort of treatment that's not akin to magic.' And I want, when I say that, for people to be as ok with that as they would be if I was in remission from brain cancer or something. But I'm scared that this isn't what will happen, and so I' don't know if I want friends anymore.
  6. Does anyone know any statistics or studies indicating how often remission occurs and when?
  7. My pdoc says I'm in remission, and I'm generally happy most of the time now. I don't feel depressed. I feel more like I'm in my normal range of moods. And it's a huge relief. But I'm still having suicidal thoughts, and I don't get how I can be "in remission" and still having them. My pdoc knows I'm having them, and says he doesn't think I'm in danger of acting on them. But some of the thoughts are really scarry. Like a couple weeks ago, I was camping, and in the middle of the night, I had thoughts of drowning myself, with a well thought out plan and fantasies of what it would feel like to be in the cool water and for everything to be over. It occured to me that it was probably a good time to get help, but I was out in the wilderness, with no cell phone reception, and it would not have been safe to get in my car in the middle of the night. So I stayed where I was. I managed to talk myself out of the thoughts by remembering how nasty the bottom of the lake is, by thinking of how awful it would be if I changed my mind and couldn't get out of the water, and by thinking of all my friends who were there with me and how awful it would be for them to find me. I guess I'm not sure what to do about all this. I haven't mentioned my thoughts to anyone because I feel pretty ashamed of them. I haven't seen my therapist since I had them, and won't be seeing her for a few weeks due to conflicting vacation schedules. I don't even have a follow up scheduled with my pdoc at this point because I go to a resident clinic and my resident pdoc is changing next month and the new schedule is not out yet. Does medication help with suicidal thoughts or is it just something I have to learn to cope with?
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