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Found 22 results

  1. I ended up trying to leave the store with makeup in my purse. I had money to pay for it. I didn't need it. Had no idea why I did it. LP grabbed me before I even left, held me for 2 hours, had a city cop give me a ticket to appear. I've never done this type of stuff before. Ugh. As this is just the cap on top of unusual behavior for me, I went to my GP, who sent me to a Pdoc (I had been without one for like a decade) and he thinks I'm some flavor of Bipolar. Begged family for money to pay a lawyer. I've never been in trouble before so my lawyer is trying to cut a deal to keep this misdemeanor off my record. My court appearance is next week and I'm terrified. Can anyone tell me what to expect?
  2. I always feel like I'm faking it. There isn't one part of my day where I don't feel or hear someone say I'm faking it all. The voices are always my own, though. but I don't control them. I never have. They are different versions of me that have completely different motives, morals, views, liking, hates, and personalities. But they are all me. And they get turns taking over my body. Is this schizophrenia? Am I faking it? Am I just completely crazy? I really don't know. I just go throughout life like this every day. I have to keep a journal to tell future me what I have done, because if I don't he will never know. I cant remember the most basic of things. I find drawings of weird things in my notes that I don't remember drawing. I find notes directed to myself; threatening me. I go some nights never sleeping and spending the night on my bathroom floor. I have random flashes of lightheaded-ness and vision blurs. I've recently developed a tick where I like smirk. I will watch myself do it in the mirror and I'll yell at myself to stop, But of course I don't. He now has just went out and has told people I'm Schizophrenic. How can he trust them with something that personal. They view me differently now, I know they do. How could they not?
  3. So these past 2.5 days I've had that really panicky feeling where I'm going to cry but then I don't and I can't breath because I'm so scared and then I'm fine and I can't function and suddenly I can. I don't know what's happening, I'm going to be going out with a friend in a few days and I'm out with my granddad tomorrow and I'm terrified I'm going to have a panic or anxiety attack when I am out. I'm so scared, I don't know how to tell my mum about it, and I'm at my grandparents house and they mock me for my anxiety. I've been looking for support on the #AlwaysKeepFighting community but that seems to make me more anxious which is a shame because I love that community so much (check it out, seriously). What's happening? What do I do?
  4. So I play cello, and I have for nearly five years. I have played in two solo concerts and several times with an orchestra. My anxiety has been steadily growing worse and I average about one panic attack per week without any stressors but I have a quartet coming up and these freak me out because if I was solo I wouldn't mess anyone else up if I screwed up timing. In an orchestra of twenty or so people, I could sink out of it if I needed to. In a quartet, however, I would screw up the other three players. Even though I play the easiest part, I can't bring myself to even look at the music or else I panic. My mom said I didn't have to do the concert but I had to tell my teacher face to face why. To me, this is nearly as bad as going up in front of all those people because my teacher is amazing and I love her. After my mom said that, I started to panic again, thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. She might not let me be her student as I miss most of the solo concerts. I really scared and this has caused me a sh*t-load of anxiety and panic attacks. What should I say? What should I do? Please help.
  5. I use to be able to deal with my anxiety and panic attacks but I am sick with so much going on I want to scream. I just want to put run them but that requires me to run and I have no energy. I just would prefer to cry and freak out I guess. Torment my husband with a million questions if i am going to die . Is it almost over. I told him I want to check in to a hospital to leave .
  6. I have recently been going through a lot of medication changes spurred by oxytocin induced insomnia. I feel like I have finally come off of the hypomanic ride I've been on for the past year and half since I had to stop taking Lithium. I am afraid because I don't know what kind of happiness I will have now. I don't know if the happiness I felt for the past year has been true happiness of getting over my mom's death and getting rid of an abusive relationship, or if I was just hypomanic. I am afraid of returning to the kind of life I had when I did not experience hypomania, the time when I was on Lithium. First of all, I was not stable then and I am afraid of going back to that. I am also afraid of a world where I don't feel happy. I feel like I was dead before I experienced mania. Will life just be dull and normal? Any advice from someone who has gotten rid of mania and likes it? Will I still be able to enjoy music? Will I still be able to dance? Will I still be able to feel connected to the earth, the universe, and others?
  7. Heya.. So yesterday I was prescribed lexapro... And I've never been on this kind of medication before. I'm really hesitant and nervous about starting it tomorrow, I've never liked taking pills, and to be honest I'm just a bit scared of how it's going to affect me... I guess I just want some sort of reassurance or advice really... ?
  8. Hi, Im a 14 year old girl going into 8th grade. I decided to do cross country (long distance running) but at the end or the middle of the run I always throw up. Its so embarassing and it always messes up the rest of my running. I threw up at the end of a 5k race when I was 12 and was later diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and emetophobia(fear of vomit). Im just so scared that im going to throw up in front of my teammates. Ive already missed so much conditioning but I dont know what to do!! I really want to be on the team but Ill be sooo embarassed if that happens!! Should i just suck it up and go or should I just quit?!! Idk please help.
  9. Hello! I've read posts on this site for quite a while now, and figured it might be useful to join and participate. Super frustrated with how long it's taking to get in to see a psychiatrist and feeling like I'm going well.. crazy while waiting! Previously saw a psychologist, but ran out of insurance coverage. And now I'm just rambling... My diagnosis is below. I feel like the Borderline "traits" are becoming worse and more prominent, and I need to find ways to cope with them better. Sometimes the way I'm feeling, or even behaving, is causing a lot of anxiety.. So hopefully some of the forums on here will help me out!
  10. Hello all. I would like some more personalised advice on what I should do. I have previously consulted a psychologist, which wasn't that much of a sucess. In very short: I met a guy whom I trust completely, as the only one. We've shared our stories and are both quite broken. I care extremely much about him, and I want to try a relationship with him (he has already said he's interested). But I'm scared. I started getting seriously stressed out, last time I was in a relationship. Last time, I had an anxiety attack and my immune system fell so much I was almost consistently sick. I don't feel anything when kissing, and when I'm about to have sex, my body starts stressing out, I get very scared and most of all want to curl myself up in a corner. We have a fantastic friendship going on at the moment. I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice? Background story (which I try to keep short): I grew up with a very ill mother (sclerosis, a slow breakdown of the nervous system), and has thus lived with a constant flow of nurses in my house. My mum told me that her goal was to survive until I was confirmated (age 13). She suceeded. My mental health had at this point already started degrading. Around the age of 12, I started getting a ton of self-esteem issues. This escalated over the years, especially after my group of "friends" decided to totally isolate me around the age of 13. Then, I wasn't worthy of their company, I wasn't worthy of feeling good, I wasn't worthy of my mothers love. I had no energy whatsoever, cried on a regular basis, felt either depressed or nothing at all, started cutting and started having suicide thoughts. While this was going on, I kept up a camouflage. My parents couldn't know. They had enough to worry about. If I could be perfect, my mum would be happier. At the age of 16, I started high-school. My depression disappeared temporarily, and I felt absolutely wonderful for a couple of months. Then it all came back. With my new friends, I would laugh, dance and be full of life. On the inside, I sometimes felt nothing at all - sometimes like I was going to break into pieces. And sometimes, my body would start stressing out by shaking, when I was together with many people. My chest would (and did the previous years, too) feel like it was being crushed. I started to get ticks. At home, I started cutting. Ran desperately away from my home on several occasions to get away from all the nurses and all the stress, ultimately to collapse in the nature somewhere. When the suicide thoughts wouldn't leave my mind, I finally gave up my camouflage and told my parents how I felt. My dad didn't believe me, while my mum cared so much she told our doctor. Talked with my doctor, was diagnosed with emotional stress. I started seeing a psychologist. After 8 months, I DID feel much better. The depression had disappeared and the symtoms of the emotional stress had lessened greatly. I can't, however, feel as much anymore. I don't really feel sorrow. I can't miss a person anymore. I don't care about most of my friends. I can't feel anything in the situations, where my body stresses out, unless the anxiety follows. I don't feel anything when kissing someone. My mum died when I was 18. I was over it 1-2 days later. 1½ years after my menstrual cyclus/hormonal balance started to stabilize for the first time. I started university and initiated my first relationship. I had some feelings for the guy the first week. The next few months he, in my head, was my tool to get experience romantically. As said previously, I had an anxiety attack a couple of hours after our first date. My body became so stressed out in these months, my immune system deteriorated. He fingered me two times, where I was shaking a lot, felt scared and wanted to curl myself up in the corner or flee. I forced myself to give him a blowjob because I was so tired of my own reactions, that I figured I had to force myself through it, to get over it. I've been let down on several occasions over the years, both by my "friends", my teacher and my parents. It's extremely difficult for me to trust people. And now I have this mentally intimate friendship with this great guy, who makes me feel much safer and relaxed than anyone ever has. He can relate to a lot of the problems I have, and has his own little collection. As said in the beginning: I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice?
  11. I will be going to officially register for classes on Tuesday. Dad said he's going to pay for one course and my biological mother's widower is paying for the other. I would go register tomorrow/ today but it is MLK day tomorrow and all schools are closed in observation of said day. I am so excited to be going back to school but, at the same time, I am scared shitless. What if I fail? What if I get anxiety and start cutting classes like I did back when I was in my second semester in 2010? I can't be a loser who doesn't go to college and doesn't have a job any longer! I feel bad enough doing nothing with my life but playing on the computer all day long. I can't do that anymore. I need to do something that does some good with my life but I am so afraid of flunking and being a loser like that too! God! It never ends! Hopefully I can make good friends with a couple people in said classes and we can be study buddies and hangout and all. The social aspect of college life will NOT, I repeat NOT, be the focus of my college existence like it was in fall 2009/ spring 2010 but it will be a good resource for getting peer help with things I don't understand within the courses. Wish me luck people! I'm going to need it to make it through these next couple of months with an ounce of my sanity left in tact! LOL As if I have any now ... Any help or advice as to how to get through going back to school for the first time in nearly 4 years is much appreciated!
  12. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on0bAfbLALQ
  13. Am I the only one who gets scared wondering whether their physical symptoms of anxiety and panic are really that or if it's a sign that something is wrong in their body? Example: Tingling of/ pain in extremities or a headache turns into "Oh my God! I'm having a heart attack or a stroke!" I feel like I'm getting bad again from the lack of benzos (long story as to why I can't be on them anymore). It's so frustrating because the sensations are so real and intense but in reality my mind is just overreacting. Please tell me that I am not the only one that has this issue.
  14. I have been stumbling along trying so hard to keep anyone from noticing how hard I struggle. I am scared of people around me knowing what is actually going on for me. I am getting really tired of being so alone, I know the next logical step is to see a professional. Until I work up the courage I would appreciate meeting other people that have come out of hiding.
  15. I've been cutting a lot this past week and some odd days and everything seemed fine until my one cut on my left forearm began to hurt bad. It's not super red or really hot but today it opened up a bit and I squeezed it and when I did, a bit of puss came out before it turned to a clear substance. I picked at the wound a bit to get rid of any infected surrounding infected flesh and cleaned it with peroxide. It's not really deep but I still don't want an infection. What should I do? Topical antibiotics? Tell my doctor on Tuesday when I go? I also think a keloid is developing. Could that be the reason for the redness? Any and all help is appreciated. I would like not to have to go to urgent care if I can avoid it, as my parents have no idea that I am still self harming.
  16. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Sever Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Slight OCD, and Mood Disorder. I also have trouble sleeping, and when these sleep cycles hit where I cannot sleep I wind up with major Panic Attacks. They have tried all kinds of medicine, but I am currently on Celexa 40mg, XanaX 2 X 2mg a day as needed, Lithium, Seraquil, Propranolol (low blood pressure med, so I don;t have a heart attack from panic attack in my sleep)... I have been under a lot of work pressure and in fact it was a blessing I got fired today for doing what was right (long story) But I was very releaved. I am having major financial stress and worry about paying for medication and my high risk health pool rates. My Mom helps me pay for these. I feel bad b/c she is retirement age and struggling....but I have no other options. My spouse ignores me and is not affectionate to me b/c I am no longer the strong person (mentally) that I use to be. Also I had gotten laid off from a really great job where I made great money. My job along with 11,000 where moved overseas. SO I am blamed for all of our financial problems. My mom and spouse do not understand what it is like haveing these mental conditions. And b/c of that I get no support, and I have no support from any friends. I feel so alone in this world. Recently the panic attacks have really gotten bad. I don't freak out mentally, at least on the outside. I keep feeling that I am about to die. And the worst one is I feel that I am absolutely going totally insane. It is completely wearing me down. On top of the feelings I get various physical symptoms. It almost feels like the panic attack is on going and never really stops. I get some relef from it... the Xanax really helps for 4 hours, but I really need to be prescribed 3 a day... my doctor doesn't want to do that. I feel terrified most of the time. I also feel that I am in unreality. This is horrible to live like this.... and sometime when I get the feeling I am going to die, I just wish I would.... I cannot take it.... Is there anything at all I can do to get some relief from these panic attacks? Can panic attacks just perpetually go on like this...??? Also a lot of the time I get freezing cold feet when this is all happening... I am so desperate... any advice would help.... I just know I cannot go on like this... It is completely wearing me down.... A lot of time the Panic Attacks also have bad episodes of depression with them.... I just feel all alone in this world... If anybody can give me some suggestions... I would appreciate it more than I could ever express....
  17. I have a hard time trusting people and an even harder time sharing my feelings. I have been reading some of the stuff shared on this site and I realized maybe I don't have to deal with this alone anymore. The normal people in my life don't have clue and when I try to explain I get these blank stares like OMG, I don't want to know this. It is easier for them if they can just pretend I am normal too. They diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder about 4 months ago. I have the one with the crazy highs and the evil lows. I have been self medicating for more years than I remember until I ended up in a hospital within days of dying they say. They said I had taken too many of my happy pills and that I was starving myself to death. Apparantly the only thing I was eating was pills. I don't remember alot of the last few years and none of the three months leading up to July 5, 2012. I detoxed at home with my daughter and husband watching over me, keeping me from pills and keeping me from hurting myself. Two weeks later I was in rehab. Rehabs pdoc diagnosed me. I don't disagree with the diagnoses. It seems right on to me. Now I take Saphris, Lithium, Wellbutrin, and Lunesta. I feel everything and with much intensity. The meds keep me from getting overwhelmed by them mostly. The anger is the worse to pop out and singe those around me. My husband is done, I think. He is not speaking to me, for the last two days. That is not normal for us. But I think I might be done also. I was using prescription drugs to escape from something that was making me unhappy....But I am terrified, what if I crash again??? What is the right answer to any question??? My mind feels like hurricane is loose in it and I am never sure if what I feel is real, or what I think is going on is really going on. What if I am wrong??? My perception is so off. I don't know if I can trust myself or anyone else for that matter. Are the meds not working????
  18. I'm totally and completely new here, and have no idea really what I'm doing, but I felt the need to just GET MY THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD. I feel like they're circling around in my brain, slowly chipping away at my sanity. Am I okay? WTF is going on?? I just feel like I'm going freaking crazy! Half of the day, I lay around on my floor (no joke) and either watch TV or go online, feeling like a lazy depressed slob, the other half of the day I feel agitated and the need to move around, clean, organize shit, etc. I've been seeing my psychiatrist 2x a week for the past several weeks (started with an every day meeting while I was inpatient for non-psych related medical issues). Currently he's out of the office for a week and a half...that's two visits that I'm missing, and I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE...or implode. I constantly feel like I need to punch/throw things (though I don't, because I feel guilty about feeling that way)...I should probably mention that I've been dx-ed with MDD, with aspects of GAD/OCD, which I suppose is true (I have a bit of a problem with psychiatric hypochondria, if there is such a thing). I feel like I don't know what's wrong with me, I know something is, I think...I don't know... GOD I just feel like screaming and tearing my hair out! It's been a week and a day since my last psych appt, and I'm going NUTS. I talk to him about stuff I never talk about to anyone else, and it's all building up inside me. I keep getting thoughts popping into my head...weird morbid stuff like gory images, SI/suicidal stuff (ps: just thought, not action!) or just insults from the back of my head talking to me, like "lazy", "loser", "moron" etc, etc. I tend to get obsessive about thoughts and feelings in particular, and tend to analyze them to DEATH (pdoc says it's my defense mechanism). I just feel so confused and scared. Sorry for the rant... I think I just really need someone to talk to.
  19. I don't know why but I don't want to be happy, in fact it scares me. Does anyone know why? I even feel like running away because I know I can't be happy on the streets. I'm getting help for sexual abuse and cutting. I want to be emotionally or phisically abused, or bullied, or kidnapped. Sometimes i'll not eat breakfast and lunch because I know it hurts to pay attention at school like that and sometimes i'll force myself awake till 12:00 or 1:00 because the rest of the day will really suck. This is starting to scare me.
  20. I don't know why but I don't want to be happy, in fact it scares me. Does anyone know why? I even feel like running away because I know I can't be happy on the streets. I'm getting help for sexual abuse and cutting. I want to be emotionally or phisically abused, or bullied, or kidnapped. Sometimes i'll not eat breakfast and lunch because I know it hurts to pay attention at school like that and sometimes i'll force myself awake till 12:00 or 1:00 because the rest of the day will really suck. This is starting to scare me.
  21. hELLO All Just wanted to say hi and share my little story I am a 37 y/o single mom/nurse. For most of my adult life I was dx with Anxiety and depression. I have switched careers teacher to nurse, had many short lived relationships (one was really good and i destroyed it due to my impulsiveness and inner turmoil) And just loved jumping from 1 thing to another in general.... I have been on the antidep rollercoaster for 13 years .(and tried 'em ALL ) But the last 3 years have been Awful even on effexor and Xanax. Panic attacks, self medicating with wine daily. and before my period i was a freakin psychopath. I have gained 30 pounds.I haven't dated in over 2 years. Basically I just worked and took care of daughter, drove her and her friends around, ate and slept. I stopped seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I also did the crazy moving 3 times in 1 year in 2010. SO>>>I needed to do something drastic! Recently I had a really bad crisis a month ago (panic attacks, crying constantly, didn't sleep for like a week, almost got in trouble for being late at work, lost control with teen daughter many times and awful night sweats etc etc. I was desperate.I found this great psychiatrist ( I had seem him back in 2000 but didn't do what he told me at the time. ) BUT he has really helped me alot. He has 40 yrs experience and is also really caring and gives u samples etc. And he listens, and really knows his shit. He put me on Abilify 5mg for what he calls BP "mixed " episodes and Lamcital- titrating from 25mg to 150 very slowly in case of the rash. This was of course, After we spoke (mostly I spoke/rambled for 45 min) and I filled out a short questionare. I was kind of scared of the side effects but he told me there are more s/e to many antidepressants and started me on a really low dose, He told me to wean off my antidepressant(effexor)slowly and I can still take Xanax if I need it. I don't know if it's too soon, but, aside from a bit of insomnia at 1st, I AM FEELING A LOT BETTER. I am feeling happier and more normal, a feeling I haven't had in a long time. I'm motivated, the crying spells stopped. The anger/irritability I used to get ....(believe me my 16 y/o is not easy to deal with, and she has the same shit I have) has improved greatly. I can now deal with her in a more rational, calm, non-emotional way . She has been on Zoloft for a yr for panic and depression.It worked at 1st, but now its not doing shit. I had just about given up on medication, but this man has been a life saver! FOR THE 1ST TIME IN A LONG TIME I FEEL HOPE
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