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Found 80 results

  1. I relapsed today. After over a year of being clean. I’m super stressed out about a test and my mind immediately went to self harm. So I did it. I’m sad.
  2. So I've been clean for almost three months now. Today my mom and I got into a huge argument. She mentioned something along the lines of, "you're gonna be pissed off so you're gonna go cut yourself huh?" It really upset me for some reason. The way she said it was so cold, like it was an insult. I thought she really cared though. Then she said something similar to, "you're gonna cut your arm." When I went back into my room, I couldn't help but cry. When she brought the topic of self harming up, it was the first time I even thought about it in months. It was a sick reminder. I don't know, I'm not really looking for advice or anything. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
  3. I'm almost 30 and I'm severely depressed. I take medication, but that's not always enough. I began hurting myself in June of this year. I don't have many scars, but the ones I have are noticeable. This summer was one of the most stressful of my life. I'm embarrassed, being as old as I am, that I couldn't control my emotions. I don't think particularly highly of myself. I still live with my mom because I'm a walking shit-show. I told my mom I self harm. I cut, scratch and burn myself. I've had two therapists and both know that I do these things to myself. My current therapist thought it would be good to tell my mom...or eventually tell her. I also think about suicide a lot (at least once a day). Mom knows this and so does my therapist. I felt good about myself today, so I told Mom. I felt brave and I it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was disappointed with her reaction. She said it was a cliche thing to do...that she didn't think I was so mainstream. She said she thought my brand of "crazy" was more unique. To be honest, I don't think she believes I have a mental illness. She thinks I'm just a creative type. I am...but I'm also unwell. I don't like to whine and I don't want to have to explain myself. She's depressed too, so I don't know how she doesn't understand. She wants there to be a reason behind my moods. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. I've stopped hurting myself. It's been three weeks since my last incident. I feel pretty in control of my urges, which is why I confessed. I knew Mom would think I was stupid for self-harming. She's known other people who did it so I've already heard what she really thinks about people who do it...that it's a way to get attention, it's a sign of weakness, it's unoriginal, it's stupid... Mom said she was disappointed in me, then she said she was scared because she'd missed the signals. She didn't miss them...I'm just very good at hiding things. She kind of made the conversation about her. I found myself apologizing to her and telling her it wasn't her fault. She said our relationship was based on trust and now she isn't sure she should give me my privacy. She made it sound like I took advantage of her trust. She said this was a betrayal. She thinks this means I'm much closer to suicide. I'm not...I just needed to feel something and I needed an emotional release. She said she'd respected my privacy and refrained from "delving" into my psyche. Then she said if she had delved, she'd have found this out sooner. I think she regrets trusting me. She has a tendency to leave me alone when I need help and invade when I need to be alone. Most of the time I just want someone to sit quietly with me. That helps more than anything. I've got a therapist...now I need a friend. Mom said my scars would never go away and asked if I'd considered what it would be like to explain these things to a significant other. I don't date. I haven't had a romantic relationship in almost a decade. I haven't found anyone I like. I'm picky and high maintenance. I fully admit that. I also don't give a damn what people think about my scars. I know what I did to my body. I don't need to be shamed for it. I'm proud I could handle the pain. The scars remind me that I hit some very low points and survived. They remind me I'm real. Mom said we shouldn't tell my brother. He'd panic. I don't want to tell my brother either. I'm used to hiding the worst of my problems from him. Mom is usually in favor of telling him everything. I think she doesn't want him to worry and she doesn't want him to blame her. She kind of made the situation about her and how she'd failed. I don't mean to sound selfish, but it wasn't the conversation I hoped to have. I tried to explain that I needed a little more support. I spoke quietly. I was embarrassed. She told me to stop talking so softly. She didn't want me to act or pretend. I admit I'm mellow dramatic, but I wasn't being dramatic this time. I just felt small. I don't know how to explain it. I'm depersonalized so it was easy to "zone out" after that. In the end she said she was proud of me for telling her. She took back a few of the harsher comments. She went to bed early and said she needed to think. She shut down a bit. I asked if we were ok, if our relationship was ok and she said yes. I have no idea if she meant that. I regret telling her. I promised I'd be honest from here on out, but that's just another lie. I'm done hurting myself. If I hadn't told her, she'd never know and I'd never have to hear the things she said. I love her very much and I don't mean to be ungrateful, but she's not as supportive as she thinks she is. She puts up with a lot from me and I'm tired of making her feel bad. I've got to stop telling her things. I keep thinking I should be honest, but it always backfires and I end up feeling worse. I can't keep my mouth shut. I always think it's better for our relationship to be honest, but it isn't. My scars were mine. Now they're not. I hate that so much. I'm so embarrassed. I need a support system and I hate that I need anything. I wish I had someone in my life I could be honest with. I can't tell my brother these things without breaking his heart. I can't tell my mom without her blaming herself. Telling my therapist is nice, but it's not quite enough. It's not terribly personal. I feel so alone and so stupid and somehow still feel completely blank and empty. I shouldn't have told her. I should have kept my big mouth shut. It was a secret and it was mine. I gave it away for nothing. I don't even know what I wanted or expected. I'm an idiot. I'm ultimately happier alone. I don't know why I long for someone to understand. I'm not terribly gregarious and I don't like talking to other people. I certainly don't want to burden anyone with my problems. Logically, I know I should be able to handle this on my own without someone holding my hand like I'm a child. I'm not helpless. I'm not needy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading.
  4. First of all, happy new year everyone! Okay, so I said I was going to do 'No cut December'. And I made it! I realized I'm much more happier without self harm. I even stopped counting the days unconsciously, self harm wasn't a daily thought anymore. Whenever I felt down, hurting myself didn't even cross my mind. So in 2018 I will continue my road to recovery. Thank you all for supporting me on this forum.
  5. I have tried to stop self harming and it's not working. I have been cutting for a little over 2 years and have tried to stop multiple times, but with no luck. I had stopped for about 3 months and relapsed about an hour ago. I can't control myself when I feel emotions and I absolutely hate it. I can't talk about it in person, or I break down. Any replies would be nice. I would just like to talk to people that don't know me as a person and have never met me, it helps a lot.
  6. I have been self harming since I was 11. I'm 21 with a job in healthcare and I still can't stop myself from cutting. Its become a custome. That's my go to when I'm stressed, upset, lonely, sometimes even if I'm bored. I just like to have cuts or burns or scratches on me at all times. Its like a secret that I don't have to share its amusing to me in a way. I feel almost naked if I don't have at least a few cuts on me at any given time. I've tried to stop and for a while I did, but I just keep turning back. I want to move forward with my life but its like I'm stuck In a hole that I can't climb out of. I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and I'm stuck here hurting myself with no control over anything. My anxiety is to bad to seek help. I just feel like I would be better off dead because dying just seems so easier, more realistic and more inviting than trying to live a normal life.
  7. I slipped up today. I'm not proud of it. I was suppose to be two weeks clean today. Since my parents found out, they are aware of me doing it. But I'm afraid that my mom will get mad at me because I lied to her saying that I only had one razor, but I actually have more but I'm hiding them. I'm not mad at myself for slipping up though. Which is a good thing. I accepted it and was like, "you did it, it's already done, try to not do it next time."
  8. Now several of my friends are aware of my self harm, and they have been giving me so much emotional support and surrounded me with positivity. I was texting one of them yesterday and I told her I was three days clean, and she said every three days I'm clean she would give me one of her gogos (they're cute toy things). I heavily insisted and said she really didn't have to, but she wanted to, she said she's doing it for me. I am so grateful I have such great friends to support me through this, thank you.
  9. I hadn’t been cutting for long before I was found out. My parents sent me to therapy hoping for a full recovery. I haven’t cut since the end of May -a little over for months ago- but I still fantasize about it everyday. I feel that since I’m not an active cutter I’m seen as being better but I’m not better. The urge is still there and life is harder now that I’m not doing essentially the only thing that remedied the pain. I wish I coined express this frustration to someone but I hate to disappoint. I burdened my parents and enough already and don’t want to hurt them anymore. How can I make the urge go away or get my parents to see that I haven’t fully recovered without hurting them? If you have any advice please lmk. Thanks.
  10. In a previous post I stated I told one of my best friends I self harmed. She reacted quite positively, telling me to stop and things like that. I was aware in the past that she use to scratch herself. But now she's cutting and she told me she started a week ago, which is when I told her I was cutting. I'm debating if I should ask if I triggered her, but I'm not sure.
  11. I was self harm free for 6 months and then I relapsed and I feel really bad about it. I haven't been able to get up the courage to tell my therapist because I'm scared of being put back into the hospital. Any advice?
  12. I posted an hour ago about how I was having strong urges after being only eleven days clean. Well, I took part in those urges and now I'm super mad, which caused me to cut evermore. I lost to myself :((((
  13. I said in the previous post I was challenging myself to stay clean. It's pretty difficult. The first few days were pretty good, I had no urge to cut at all. But in the last twenty four hours I have been very close, I literally had the blade so close to my skin. But I said no, I can't do this, I have to be clean. But everytime I say that the urge grows. Right now, October 1st, I have been clean for eleven days.
  14. Okay, so I've set up a challenge for myself. I'm gonna try to stay clean. I know, it's pretty difficult, easier said than done. As of now, September 29th, I've been clean for nine days.
  15. I've been posting on this site frequently. I just came to a realization. I started self harming back in May. I didn't cut though, it was just contant scratching. But I was 'clean' for the whole summer (June and July). I didn't scratch or cut or anything. But in mid August, I actually started cutting myself due to school. Is this considered a relapse?
  16. So one of my best friends (one who doesn't know about my self harm) invited me to a water event. I'm panicking about the recent cuts on my forearm, they haven't fully healed yet, there's still some obvious scabbing. I really want to wear my thin hoodie and shorts, but I feel like that would look awkward. I don't have any water resistant makeup. Plus there's gonna be a ton of people at the event, and if I wear short sleeves, everyone would see.
  17. Hello. I self harm. Today at school, I was pointing to a word in a textbook, and one of my friends asked, "what happened to your arm?" A wave of panic ran through my veins, I've been hiding my cuts for a while, no one has taken the time to notice. I do wear long sleeves, but I roll them about two folds up, so my wrists and a semi part of my top forearm are revealed. I pressed my lips together in reply, the rest of my friends staring at me with concerned expressions. Shortly after, two of my friends (not counting the one who asked) went to go talk in the corner and I know they were talking about my cuts. I was sitting in sixth period and my friend (one of the friends who went aside and talked in the corner) asked me if I was alright. I simply answered with a nod. I feel like my friends are texting each other about my issue. I don't need pity, attention, or any sort of that matter. I'm glad they care, that's what friends do, help each other. I'm very grateful to have them in my life, but I'm not comfortable about telling them the fact I self harm. I fear they'll all gonna stare at my forearm tomorrow and question me.
  18. I think I might have body integrity identity disorder, although I have a long history of general self harm. I've discovered I can make myself legally blind by staring at the sun, harming the macula of the eye which is responsible for central vision -- after my first attempt, I've been unable to see whatever I directly focus on. I've had to adjust the accessibility options on the computer to make the font HUGE just so I can type and read. My partner knows I did it once and I've been to the optometrist. When I realized it might heal after some months, I decided to continue to harm myself by staring at the sun every morning when I'm alone and no one knows I'm doing it. I'm hoping to make the damage permanent. I feel so crazy even saying all this. I know how ridiculous and stupid it is. But it's my new favourite way of self harming....leaving no marks externally and causing very little discomfort... It seems my self harm tendancies are destined to consume me. I have a history of abuse of all sorts in my childhood so I guess I'm just punishing myself...
  19. I've had a history of self harm since seventh grade, and when my mom found out about it she used to do body checks. She used to make me show her mybody so she would know if ive hurt myself or not. The whole situation is very uncomfortable and made me feel 10x more insecure than i was.Although i know she was only doing it to protect and make sure i was okay,i was wondering if it was some kind of abuse or damaging when someone does that?
  20. so, i went to the doctors today and they were all freaking out concerned about my weight. I am only 30 lbs. "underweight". under weight my ass. everyday i come home from not eating at school and then binge eat a whole bunch of food. then throw it all up. i made promises that i would eat. but they said nothing about throwing it back up. im suppose to weigh 40 more lbs than my current weight. and im so happy about it.
  21. Yesterday, I self injured in my sleep. This happened once before, and I am scared of this happening again. I'm taking my meds as prescribed, but I'm wondering if this is a sort of sleep walking, and if there is anything I can take to prevent it. I suffer from anxiety and post traumatic stress and past physical abuse issues. Any advice is appreciated.
  22. Hey everyone... I haven't posted on a message board in a very long time.... but I just don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I am new to cutting. I didn't realize that what I was doing was actually for real cutting. I started scratching my arms with sharp things whenever I am feeling really really depressed. Then I started doing it every time I got really sad, and it seems to make me feel better. I can't explain it with words. My girlfriend saw my arms and called me a "teenage girl" ( I'm 30) and basically made me feel over dramatic and seeking attention. I really don't want attention. I'm currently deep into a depression that has lasted about 3 weeks. I go off and on with this, and have been for as long as I can remember. Yesterday I had gotten into an argument with my girlfriend over the phone, basically about how I just mope around all of the time and are never happy. I went in the bathroom at work and self harmed my leg. I immediately felt better. Not really better, but like I had validation of my internal pain. Like now I can see what I'm feeling inside. Like a real wound makes it visible to me. But now I'm terrified that someone will see these... and I'm terrified as to what this means? Has my depression reached a new level? Am I actually just super dramatic and should just be normal? Ugh. I'm not sure what I should do, or how to avoid going down this road.
  23. I've been clean since my last slip up in November, before that I can't remember when I did it, it was over 6 months. Today I'm feeling super on edge and I keep thinking about hurting myself. I'm trying not to, but I feel like it might help. I don't know who to turn to, my boyfriend is away and nobody else knows about it, except my ex, and well, I don't want to go there. I'm trying so hard to fight the urge to do it. The last relapse was the worst I've ever done it and it scared the shit out of me, I guess not for long..
  24. Hello. My name is Lisa. ive been struggling with the addiction of cutting since 14 years old. I am now 28. I have good months and I've even gone a year without cutting. Recently I went back to self harming. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel sad constantly. I have an amazing husband that treats me like a princess but I still just don't feel good enough. He knows my cutting history and does everything to support me. I started seeing a therapist again.. and I hope that starts working. I can't talk to any of my friends about my struggles. It would be nice to have someone to lean on that can keep me strong. Just need people that understand the addiction. Thanks for listening.
  25. I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work...
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