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Found 4 results

  1. My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection. His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior). I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases. But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going. Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt. I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him. I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me. Feedback, love, and support would be great.
  2. i'm looking for a good book/workbook to help me with self-esteem and i was browsing through the crazy store selections and i was overwhelmed with the choices. i know that i've seen other people recommend the DBT skills workbook on here but i'm just wondering if it's a good workbook with quite a bit about helping issues with self-esteem. do you have to have prior knowledge of DBT skills to use it? any other recommendations for self-help books that really tackle the topic of building self-esteem would be appreciated. there was a specific book in my last therapist's office he suggested i go through but i can't remember the name and i've googled it and cannot find that same workbook. also - anyone ever do any sort of workbook or journal via e-reader? i'm assuming the only way to fill out the exercises would be to print select pages? can you even do that? i got a kindle for christmas and it would be easier for me to just buy a book through the kindle store as i have a gift card. thanks!
  3. Hey All. I just went out last night for the 2nd time with a guy I am interested in, and I am worried that he didn't kiss me or make really any moves despite him seeming interested and my best efforts to show interest. For starters, I have a hard time with being insecure in the first parts of any "relationship" or "dating" situation-- for all I know, it wasn't even a "date" at all. I feel pathetic because I'm 30 years old and don't "understand" how to date. I have been in two long term relationships (5 years and 4 years, respectively) since age 16, and for any of my other shorter dating experiences, all of the first kisses have sadly occurred while we were both extremely drunk so it just "happened" (even with the long-term guys) without any tension, anxiety, or forethought. The one exception to this is the last guy I dated about two years ago (who was supposedly "in recovery", hence the not drinking, but he also lies about everything and stole my benzos, so I can't trust anything about that situation). He was a very assertive, charismatic person that had no problem knowing exactly the "right" moves to make at the "right" now, moved very quickly, and in essence was a sociopathic "player" that ended up being emotionally abusive and highly unpredictable with regard to affection, attention, contact, etc. (Sorry to throw around clinical terms, but that ex and I are both therapists, and he even self-described himself, I thought jokingly at first, as being a "sociopath.") That was my last relationship, and so I am especially sensitive to rejection and not knowing the "rules" of a new situation. (Yeah, I know there aren't really "rules," but I wish there were because I wouldn't be so confused and anxious.) I thought I was over having abusive relationships, but that last one snuck up on me (yeah, I've been working on it in therapy for a long time, but trying to date in general is bringing a whole new element to my insecurity.) So this guy, I had originally met him at my new job I started 6 mos ago, and he had just given his notice and now works elsewhere, so we worked together for about 3.5 weeks weeks total. We re-connected on FB (my initiation), starting talking more and more, and decided to hang out. First time was just a casual day thing (hiking, in which he brought his dog), so its understandable no kissing happened then, though we did hug. He ended up following up that "date"/hang-out session with a text (2 hours later) referencing something we said while hanging out, which led to a 1.5 hour text convo. We went out yesterday, late afternoon into evening (bowling-- we didn't want to stop, intended to play just like 2 games but played 6 or 7 due to having too much fun), then dinner-- he had found a veg restaurant, which I thought was nice b/c I'm vegetarian and I'm surprised he remembered that.) He paid for everything (except I bought the second beers at the bowling alley-- we both only had 2 that whole night, which is good), despite me offering to pay for half or different portions (like he paid for bowling, so I tried to pay for dinner. When I tried to pay for dinner, he said, something like, "No, I got this, you can get it next time...well if..." and then changed the subject. Through gestures, body language, flirting, etc, I tried my best to convey interest throughout the night. We never ran out of anything to talk about, but I was a little quieter in the car ride home because I was nervous about the possibility of kissing, but we still kept the convo going. Then he dropped me off, and it felt weird and awkward, at least on my end-- I thought he would at least hug me like last night, and he didn't. Didn't try to kiss me or anything. Granted, I also just grabbed my stuff and said goodnight and didn't linger long enough, but I didn't want to seem desperate or overeager or create anything awkward, like him thinking, "come on woman, why aren't you getting out?" We did have some physical contact earlier in the evening, mainly lots of "high fives" during bowling (but the "high fiving" and the one hug was the only contact). Just so he wouldn't think I WASN'T interested, I followed up with a text about 30 min after he dropped me just thanking him, saying I had a great time, hope he got home safe. We exchanged a few texts in which he said the same thing and we commiserated about having "bowling finger," etc. I feel like he seems interested, but maybe I am deluding myself too. (Or conversely, trying to convince myself he's NOT interested so I don't get hurt). He calls when he says he will, conversations on the phone are getting longer, we never run out of anything to say, our topics are appropriate (not too intense but also showing increasing self-disclosure), we laugh a lot, he sends me funny you-tube videos, we text during the week at work, he introduced me to his dog which I have heard can be a "good sign," etc). But I don't GET IT-- why didn't he make any moves? He also didn't mention doing it again, like he did after the first time we hung out (except the reference to me paying next time, which he cut off mid-sentence). But seriously, I cried a little bit last night after he dropped me out-- not because I'm so desperate for him to kiss me specifically, but because I felt rejected, insecure, embarassed that I misread signals, ashamed, frustrated about having to go through this uncertainty of trying to date someone all over again. Ugh, so I guess my question is, if a guy doesn't kiss you after two dates/hang-outs, does that mean they're not interested. Secondly, how do I cope with this constant roller coaster of feeling rejected and ashamed after I perceive disinterest (on a day to day basis, not just by dealing with it in therapy, which I do)? When I'm with him, I am able to be completely mindful and in the moment (so I don't think he can tell my level of insecurity in part because I'm simply not even feeling it then), but then later on, I am a mess.
  4. I judge myself all the time. About everything. And it's always harsh judgments too, never anything remotely good. For example: I'm washing the dishes, and I break a glass. My thinking will go along these lines: Oh god, I'm so clumsy, I suck. My dogs are going to come in here and cut their feet on the glass and it'll be all my fault and I won't be able to pay the vet bill and my credit will get even worse. I'm such a loser. I know that's totally wrong! I mean, part of me knows I'm not a loser just because I broke a glass. But most of me thinks it's absolutely true. I've been in CBT for a long time and I know how to analyze these thoughts and identify the cognitive distortions and even challenge the thoughts. But I just can't seem to stop judging myself like this, and that's what I really want to do. Has anyone been able to quit judging themselves so harshly? Or even turn it into positive self-talk? That would be my ideal.
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