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I just found out the makers of the app CALM (a popular and free meditation app) have an app called CALM HARM for people dealing with self-harm. It has features to help the user get through the obsessive thoughts and urges. There are sections for journaling, distractions, advice, and getting help. I sort stumbled on it by accident, about a week too late if we're being honest. But it's out there and it's free. I can't post this on facebook or twitter because I, you know, know people out there in the wild. I can't believe more people don't know this exists. So if you or someone you know needs this- even if you have to talk about it in a hushed whisper- it exists.

I kind of made this account on a whim at 3 in the morning on a thursday but i guess i just want to rant Ive been clean for about two years no sometimes i did little things to hurt myself but nothing i never considered that """self harm""" i guess because i couldnt get in trouble for it// I relapsed for real last weekend and while i was doing it i liked it and it "took me back" i guess// But now i regret it so much, the florida summer is not forgiving and ive been wearing thick crewnecks every day// i forgot how much the aftermath sucked but i still want to do it again// Ive been seeking out triggering content nearly every day stuff on instagram mostly// Its not helping and im getting more depressed every day// I was supposed to hang out with my friend before he left for Europe but i canceled because i was so anxious to leave the house also to go to his house alone// Ive been canceling plans a week in advance, that ive had planned for weeks// i left my house yesterday to go the mall and wondered around for 2 hours alone// mostly this is a rant about how shitty ive been feeling for the past week. sorry// probably never going to post again idk https://soundcloud.com/premeseams/bearface-quiver?in=popsiclesordeath/sets/ciaran-2

Well today was a shit day to put it lightly. Now I hope I don't sound like a whinny overly emotional girl. I just want to vent. I really don't care who reads this or if no one reads this at all. I just need a way to get my emotions out in words. My mom has one of those steel safes with a combination. She keeps my medication for depression and anxiety, along with some razors in there. For the past couple of days I've been trying to crack the lock and figure out the combination with no luck. This kind of behavior drives my mom nuts. She'll go of into a rage and call me a fat narcissistic conveying bitch. She always surprises me with new insults to call me that she's made up on the fly. I just can't take it anymore. She's been Especially emotional after her boyfriend of 5 months dumped her. Well today all that pint up anger burst out of her and she slapped me hard across the face after a long argument. This was really nothing new but she usually never hit so hard. I just stood there with my hand on my face shocked. She then told me that I was a mistake and that she should of taken my fathers advice and got me aborded that was the last straw. The Desire to stop living was so great that I ran to my shower and took a [sharp] that I had been hiding for a while [description of activities]. When I was all done my thighs didn't even look like thighs anymore.they just looked like a mangled mess. It doesn't even hurt. I've desensitized myself to pain. I just feel stinging.

Hello, Recently I had a bought of noise that I wasn't able to fight off well due to being distracted by a personal issue. Of course, the reason I lost footing in the first place was because of the mildly stressful issue. What I am wondering, is if there is a better way to distract the voices. I am usually able to mute them by using foundational logic to win. But, when something has me questioning my beliefs in my choices and actions (which is irritatingly easy to do), I am at their mercy. I used to have 'good' voices that would hold my body back from doing anything physically because of the 'bad' voices. I had cleaned them all out a while back while trying to get better. This has left me openly exposed for these sudden surprise attacks on my sanity. I don't want to rely on 'good' voices anymore. This has been used against me in the past for me to psychologically manipulate myself into living how I wanted to myself to live. I hated that. It wasn't only me manipulating myself. It was crazy. I don't even know if it was me doing that to myself or if it was one of the 'bad' voices in particular who had a name. I don't want to believe that he could do that, so I try to say it was myself. It would be impossible for it to be myself manipulating myself... But, this is currently the only way I can move on until I can find actual help. Sorry about that weird spiral. Yesterday I scratched the word "mistake" into my arm while arguing with the voices and coming up at loss in the battle for a while. While in conversation, I am lost in thought fighting, when I lose something else can get control of my body. I forgot to have a notepad and pencil ready. They so want to make their mark on reality that they will carve their words onto or into anything. I've put up quite a few psychological stops over the years that prevented self harm, but a lot of those were linked to the 'good' voices who would battle with positive noise against the negative noise. One of the other stops I've made is the use of the cyrillic alphabet instead of the latin alphabet with any written discussion having to do with my voices so that they are forced to translate the letters over. This means the word "mistake" was scratched into my arm in cyrillic letters. This used to slow the majority of them down, but not anymore. I've also forgotten the numb feeling and the weird sensation gotten by pain that makes it through the haze, because it no longer registers as pain. I used to use the boiling frog hot water method as a means for pain management due to a chronic condition. Either that or hot wax. I have forgotten all of these important things until now as I write this. It makes me feel pretty stupid for forgetting all of this and getting so comfy thinking I was getting better. There has got to be a better way to distract the voices and win than to rely on honing 'good' voices. I don't want to rely on voices to fight voices when I am powerless. I want to find a physical means, something more real to help. Any suggestions?

I’ll get straight to it, I cut myself. This was my first time cutting. I don’t know why, the thought of cutting kept haunting my mind. I decided after school I would do it. Just once. I was alone in the house at the time and got everything I needed. I had a first aid kit, a small screwdriver and a sharpener. I took out the blade and I was nervous and did it high up on my thigh. I cut twice on my thigh then on my hips. I got carried away and cleaned up the cuts. There were more cuts then I intended and I cleaned everything up hiding the evidence. I’m a little shaky from what I did but I don’t regret it. I don’t believe I did it and it doesn’t bother me. I’m scared what others will think if they find out. Help me.

Basically what the title says. Also, how old we you at the time. Obviously looking for responses from teenager years more than anything.

So when my parents first found out about me self-harming was in 6th grade I was bullied, my parents were getting a divorce, and my parents would always yell at me for everything. Well I started to cut myself a lot and one day for the gym I was dressing out and a girl had seen my arms and told the counselor that then told my parents. My mom and dad both told me I was selfish, attention seeker, and how they're disgusted with me. I told them I was bullied a lot but they said they didn't believe me. So from then I just would hide how I felt and I had stopped cutting for about 2 months until things got bad again and I started to cut where no one can see, and I still cut today. I'm depressed at 14 now, but I don't have anyone I can go to to get help without having my parents fucking call me a disappointment.

I'm new to the forums and thought it would be useful to introduce myself. I'm not really comfortable talking about myself and it's pretty obvious because my heart is racing just writing this. But I've been having a lot of issues lately so I'm hoping I can find some help by talking more with you guys.

I just cut myself again, after less than a week without doing it. The longest I've gone is about 2 1/2 months. When I've been keeping such big secrets for so long, it isn't hard to find my way around my parents safety measures. I'm sure you guys can agree. I started cutting when I was 13. My parents know. Now, at almost 15, I've been hospitalized 5 times. My family is reaching the limit of their tolerance. I can't blame them. My youngest sister, after witnessing one of my breakdowns, now sees a therapist herself. Today, my dad said I'll have to go live in a special home if I don't stop. I don't know what to do. I want to be with them and make them happy, but self-harm has become a part of me now. Honestly, I almost want to go away. At least then they wouldn't have to worry about me. I really have nothing left to fight with. That's why I'm reaching out. Thanks guys.

Does anyone else here have an imaginary friend? Or at least a voice in your head that seems to have a mind of it's own? My "imaginary" friend, Anne, has been by my side since I was little. She is like a whole other side of me. She is never afraid to do the things I am so scared of, like insulting someone, doing something crazy, or making an inappropriate comment at exactly the wrong(right?) time. She has distinct attributes: red hair, gray eyes, pale skin, blue summer dress, brown sandals. She can be funny, clever, and a really great friend. But sometimes, she can be mean and demanding and controlling. She swears at me, tells me what to do. She even tells me to hurt myself. I'm not sure how to explain that I'm in charge without losing her. Any ideas, guys?

So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it. To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study). Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food... I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol). So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ). How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person. Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm? Can anyone help me please?

This thread is a directory of several other threads with great suggestions on things you can do RIGHT NOW instead of self-harming, and great resources you can use in your recovery. http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/200-alternatives-to-si-and-other-coping-skills/ This thread is a big jumble of posts from other members about alternatives they have found helpful. http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/16001-what-to-do-right-now-instead-of-si/ Alternatives to self-harm sorted into groups based on different emotions that might be making you want to SI.

So my niece came by unannounced to say hello. No big deal except for the monumental bruising I left on my arm just below the elbow to about half way down the forearm. I have finger nail scraped up and down my arm and the bruise is huge and deep. She looked overly concerned at me and asked what the heck happened. She said it looks like I was bleeding under the skin, which is kind of did. (its better now) So I thought of the best scenario I could and lied. She did not really buy it. I could see fear and worry in her face. Now I feel ashamed and stupid. It is no secret to my family that I am a screwed up ball of crazy and I self harmed back in the day, they do not know that I have put down the knife for more blunt trauma pain that I administer to most of my body that is covered. The look of disappointment got to me, now I desire to cut again. I am at a loss. If I am cutting, does that always lead to deeper thoughts?... I am already struggling with something darker than just bruising myself but I do not want to lean towards using a knife.

May be Triggering for some - not not explicit. Hi All, I've been cutting since I was 12, was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 15; which seems to explain why - I've never really figured it out myself. I've had long periods of recovery, and I really thought I had it cracked this time. I was wrong. Last night I relapsed. I'm going to keep working on getting better, and not let this get me down or put me off finding healthier solutions, the usual spiel, but in the meantime I have to deal with the fallout, and I think I need some support with that. My family knows about my history with SI, and how I've been good for a while - but we don't tend to talk about it much, it's an uncomfortable subject after all. Since I'm home from uni and staying with them right now, I'm struggling with whether or not to come clean. I didn't want to upset them, and am fairly sure this is not going to be indicative of a serious relapse, so I wasn't going to mention anything. Then my aunt invited us to go swimming with herself and my cousins - worst luck! Fairly sure I could lie my way out of it, which would be less stressful option for all; but also sets a precedence I've been trying to avoid. On the other hand, piling familial stress on top of my current abundance of crazy seems like a recipe for disaster. Any thoughts? Lillian.

I am sorry this is so long. I know this is probably blog-land territory, but I also wanted some feedback on this issue. I know different fonts and sizes can be off-putting, but I wanted to differentiate between what I wrote yesterday and how I am currently feeling today (wrote a post but changed mind, saved as word document instead). I am also curious if anyone else has experienced PMDD to this extent, what has helped (beyond the traditional treatments-- SSRIs, BC pills, diet and exercise regulation, etc... which I've tried and which I do currently except the BC pills-- and even some less conventional treatments-- mood stabilizers, antipsychotics). I am also wondering if anyone has ever required hospitalization due to PMDD or even if they require regular repeated hospitalization during PMDD times. Has anyone done ECT for the PMDD mood-symptoms? This is a "snapshot" of a typical day in the life of my PMDD, at its worst (like the 3 days before my period, though I am progressively symptomatic in about the 10 days before my period). This is what I wrote yesterday: (assume trigger warnings everywhere... I cannot get the emoticons to come up) "I have had some recent life changes and triggers, and my PTSD symptoms are now through the roof. I am also having a lot of paranoid thoughts about my boyfriend not being interested in me anymore and people just hating me in general. I feel disgusting and ashamed. I am shaking and have accidentally knocked my beverage over 3x today at work due to my jittery-ness. I am having constant intrusive thoughts of self-harm, then dissociating a lot, and then engaging in some self-harm quite impulsively (in an attempt to "snap out of it" though I feel like some part of me thinks I deserve it). I am having thoughts/images of attempting suicide, but I don't actually want to die. It is a couple days before my period. I have PMDD, and the ONLY times in which I feel depressed to this caliber (or suicidal at all) is right before my period (i.e. the 10 days before my period, escalating into quasi-suicidality and self-harm in the couple days before my period. The onset of my period generally brings instant relief and complete cessation of my depression. Not to be too gross, but I can often tell I've gotten my period before even "checking myself in the bathroom," just based on how relieved I feel, my drastic improvement in mood, and the physical and psychological tension leaving my body. PTSD symptoms make my PMDD worse, and being premenstrual makes my PTSD worse. I don't believe I have depression separately from PMDD and from what's triggered by PTSD. I have a therapist, and I am on a slew of meds as noted in my signature. I have been on a slew of other meds and various combinations. Medications are minimally helpful to me anyway, it seems. I have tried BC pills, various SSRIs at various doses, various AAPs, and various ACs/mood stabilizers. I have not found anything that helps at all with the the PMDD (in fact, the Lamictal seems to make it worse). And I have only had minimal med response with regard to PTSD. I self-harmed at work today, rather impulsively (hit/punched self in face and head repeatedly, burned self with hot coffee on purpose). That is the only way in which I self-harm-- not planned but rather as a knee-jerk response to a trigger. I also really want to OD on on the PRN Vistaril I have in my purse. I am also having urges/images (have NEVER acted on this whatsoever) of hurting others in a non-lethal way when my symptoms are agitated by interpersonal interaction-- like wanting to throw things at people, hit people, dump hot beverages on people-- pretty much the stuff I do to myself but directed at others). I have had to be fairly up front about my issues at work... due to symptoms (like this) occurring at work in the past. (I work as a therapist in an addiction treatment facility so my boss is at least somewhat understanding of MI stuff). I told my supervisor about it (well, the self-harm shortly after it happened-- the pill impulses didn't come until a couple hours later). I was fairly certain he'd tell me to go to the ER but instead focused on ways I can be functional in other ways at work today (aside from seeing clients). I think that's because it looks bad (on him AND me) with how much time I've been out due to symptoms in the past and because I really don't have any more accrued time off to take. If I even step foot into an ER with my present symptoms, I believe they would admit me. However, the cycle of my past hospitalizations (3 in total) goes like this... I present in the couple days before my period with symptoms like above, they admit me, and then I get my period while IP and feel instantly better. However, the staff doesn't necessarily believe that I could be instantly better and think that I am pretending to be better so I can leave and kill myself or something. Then, after a couple days in, I actually get worse PTSD-wise (due other patients' behavior triggering me, due to the hospital reminding me of being trapped at work because its similar to the work I do, due to being invalidated/not believed by staff, due to confinement in and of itself.) And I don't know if I am ACTUALLY suicidal or if I just fear becoming suicidal. It's kind of hard to explain, and sometimes when I am like this, I can't tell the difference. It's like I am paranoid of becoming suicidal (though I haven't attempted suicide since age 15, which is half of my life span). I really wish I could just quarantine myself until I get my period so that I am not exposed to additional stressors (like just about any stress whatsoever, like having to file something in a chart that I can't find, or even mis-perceived stress-- like me reading into a slight grimace on someone's face and assuming they hate me and I'm the most annoying human being on the planet. Also, this quarantine would help so that I don't risk damaging my interpersonal relationships due to my behavior or risk losing my job further. (Of course, I feel like my job is at risk due to my absences, but I feel it's less at risk than me losing control and accidentally self-harming in front of a client, like I have actually done in front of a co-worker and in front of a supervisor, on two separate occasions.) During this time, I would take my PRNs and distract myself with mindless activity (TV, internet, chores as I can handle it, gentle yoga as I can handle it). But what I really wish is that I could take something or do something to induce my period at will, so that the unmanageable/out-of-control aspect would go away and it would no longer severe interfere with my functioning." OK, so I wrote all of that yesterday. I went home from work at about 11:30 and cancelled my 3pm tdoc appointment for yesterday. I know that was really stupid considering my level of distress, but my level of distress was so high that I was having difficulty verbalizing it while in the midst of it without it escalating my distress to point of becoming unsafe., This was just our 3rd session, and I didn't want her to mis-read my symptoms or take action based on something that is transient and temporary (like admit me to IP when the symptoms are going to go away soon...and honestly my motivations in avoiding IP are also largely financial). (Plus, I presented in that state at a previous therapists' office, and that therapist was completely invalidating, saying I was using my PMDD symptoms as an "excuse" to not work on my PTSD that day. I stormed out rather than do something violent to myself or throw something. I also presented like that early in my relationship with pdoc and she was also somewhat un-empathetic, stating, "Is this the way the rest of our interactions are gonna go?" to which I said, "No, but it's possible we may have more interactions like this if I happen to see you the day before my period.") So, is being hospitalized and/or quarantining myself in the couple days before my period really a sustainable option? I do not have the funds for that (no sick time at work to be missing work, high hospital deductible, living paycheck to paycheck as I just moved out of my abusive parents' household). But I don't know what the lesser of the evils are, and I have yet to find treatment that works. I don't feel that way today as I did yesterday (I am still in a crappy mood but not hurting myself), but I also called out today because I feared having symptoms at work (we have a state audit today, and the last thing anyone needs is for me to self-harm or act out in front of the state mental health department). I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow and HOPEFULLY I will get my period before then so I can have a rational discussion with her. In any event, I am printing this out and showing her (and will show to tdoc next week at our session). It just really sucks to truly not be in control of my behavior/thoughts/moods for a few days and feel like an alien creature has hijacked my body. Thanks for reading.

Is going to be tough. I can feel it. I don't know what to do... Nothing is working.

Hi, my name is Amy Kaukiainen and I’m completing a fourth year honours project at the University of Queensland as part of the requirements for the Bachelor of Psychological Science program. The topic of my project focuses on the effects that using Internet message and discussion boards may have on self-injury. I have recruited several participants via a student participation scheme at the University of Queensland but in order for my questionnaire to reach as many people as possible I am now beginning to approach discussion boards and social media pages dedicated to self-injury. The survey is very quick and is completely anonymous. It is also possible to exit the study at any time. At the end of the questionnaire we recommend online free published resources which may be helpful. If you are interested in being apart of this research please press the link below, which will take you to the beginning of the survey. Again the website is secure and totally anonymous. https://uqpsych.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_8xiKs8wWVtCOJxP Thank you in advance.

when you SI regularly, how do you keep from SI'ing while intoxicated or "messed up" (jebus, I hate that term)? we all know alcohol -- or other drugs, whatever they may be -- may cause a person to lose their sense of intelligence, reluctance, balance, and even general awareness. so how do you consume whatever and not self-injure? ...or do you just not? have you stopped "using" because your SI got too terrible while doing so?? (also, if this belongs in the Substance Abuse group, please move it there. it's just for me tonight, it's the that SI is the heavier topic. so for me, it belongs here.)

I suck at compartmentalizing but I'll try to here--because I can write a book (and likely will once my son's legal issues are resolved). My son has Aspergers and ADHD/Impulsivity. A friend of his began cutting when my son was @11 or so . My son began then. I wasn't sure if it was imitation, trying to find acceptance because he's never had more than 1 friend at a time and social engagement is a major problem for him since he was @5. Partly because people don't understand his quirkiness and his autistic reactions to stuff and our culture trains kids to run to cops for every last thing that seems "odd" to them. He was bullied a lot and, because he's a boy, was blamed for either being the bully himself or for "being a whimp" and "not standing up to bullies." Great way to confuse the hell out of any kid let alone an Aspie. But I also knew then he'd been through a lot of trauma as a kid. Public school was an unrelenting nightmare through 5th grade and we switched to an online/in-person school where he could get individualized education and the flexibility he needed. We've had lots of visits from law enforcement, only one of which was by an officer who was calm and professional and has an Aspie daughter so he knew was happening and didn't create chaos like the others had in the past. When he began cutting @ 11, I wondered what it was. I tried to remain calm and was pragmatic: remove the instruments then he can't cut (boy was I an idiot). He handed me my missing X-acto knife and my blades from my art supply box. Then he used the kitchen knives, scissors, the utility knives from my tools, edges of paper, paper clips, a machete, stuff he found along the side of the road, screw drivers. I tried not to be emotional in front of him. I couldn't keep up with his ability to find and use things. I installed a lock on the kitchen knives but the landlord fined me for "damaging" her cabinets. Whatever, I paid the fine and didn't remove the lock. I couldn't afford a giant safe to lock all my tools, all the paper and office supplies, etc. inside; still can't. But after a while there were no more marks so I thought it was done. It seemed to be. then he started seeing this girl. She seemed very sweet. He was happy, he cleaned his room, he did his schoolwork so he could go see her, he bathed. But later we found out--through a whole sordid mess with her psycho fundie father who threatened his life before I knew what was going on and had to hire a lawyer to protect him from this asshole--she was a cutter. He had tried to help her stop. So for being in love with a girl and trying to help he's been blamed and victimized by the system. Plus the trauma from the girl's sick father. So now he's in isolation for legal reasons... and he's back to cutting. I found out yesterday when I got the always dreaded "phone call" from his school. He used social media without our knowledge somehow and some girls he liked saw a pic of the new cuts, freaked out, told their guidance counselor at their school they feared he was suicidal (he wasn't) who called our principal. I had to call the lawyer and blabbity blah. More money to protect him from people's hysterics and drama. I was pretty upset. I din't have to say anything; he's a sensitive kid and picks up on other's vibe with uncanny depth. He told me via a note he hand wrote last night telling me what he needed and what was going on. He wanted a different therapist and his pdoc referred us to some (all NOT on our insurance). He wants to "talk" using a note pad and to only talk to someone else. The atty says he can't talk about certain things... I can't explain that to him and he needs help right the fuck now not later when the legal shit's resolved. I never imagined in my wildest nightmares that I would have to parent any of this. I'm angry, with the system, with fundie Xtians, and especially with myself--I mean, I HAD to have caused this somehow. I know he got all my fucked up MI genes (my fam is loaded with Aspies, ADDs and BPs, her's has one BP and she blames me constantly for ruining her kids, yay). I've been the SAHP for seventeen years. I can't imagine i did a sufficient job of it. I know I haven't. He said in his note not to freak out about his cutting. I'm trying not to. Especially in front of him. But I don't know what to do. I don't get it. This is one more thing on a shitpile of things he has to deal with, why would he want to add this into the mix? I know I'm supposed to get it. I'm supposed to be a man and just carry it and not be emotional and not feel about anything and just keep everything and everyone together. Well, I've always sucked at that. That's why my marriage is shit. All I know is I have to help him and I don't know how. And I don't know how to process and sort it out inside my own overwhelmed brain and heart... I used to hold him and hug him a lot when he was younger. I know he resents that I don't hug him. I cannot do it. If I do I'll fucking fall completely apart. My dad was cold and angry with me all the time. He was analytical and fundie-judgmental and I was the of-the-devil artistic boy who was emotional and had Tourettes (Gods curse for my dad marrying my non-fundie liberal mother). I know how much it hurts to have a father like that. I don't want to be that way with my son. Never have wanted that. But I can't do it. It's like the connection point that'll just break me ad then what? Everyone relies on me to get things done (and gets to hear from her how I don't help, seriously?!). I don't know how much longer I can. I have to. But if things settle down, I'm out. A person can only take so much for so long. [Mods: Water had a great & helpful thread and it's specific to her situation so I'm doing this separately. Am I doing this correctly?]

I relapsed a couple days ago, had a not very satisfying session with my therapist yesterday, and also dealing with work-related stress. I'm trying not to go back to the land of "Just Two More So It's Five." I understand that this forum is for getting better, so I feel a little terrible that I don't exactly see SI as something I need to necessarily quit. I know it's not healthy, I know that, but regardless of all my scars it doesn't happen very often. Like it's just something that tends to happen on really bad days. Sometimes it doesn't even happen on really bad days. Anyway, whatever. I just feel kind of sucky. I want to stop talking because I'm starting to feel like I'm just making everything up. That's usually how it starts, "Do it so it's real." So. Okay.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing different fantasies lately to get a better grasp on what each other's sexual preferences are and to see if we had any in common. One of the big ones for both of us is cutting one another while having sex. Even though he is very willing to try it, I am hesitant since we are both cutters and I would like us to eventually stop using self-harm as a coping mechanism. I'm worried that if we indulge this fantasy, it might only encourage self-harm once we're out of the bedroom. I am also worried that he will become less receptive of my requests for him to find healthier methods of coping. I was wondering what an unbiased perspective of this dilemma is and/or if anyone else has ever been faced by this dilemma. Thanks.

God I want to cut so badly but I also don’t want to ruin this streak of not cutting. It’s been 22-days since I last cut, not my longest but far better than the usual three to four days I was managing before. I know cutting doesn’t solve anything, but it does. I’m feeling so lost, empty, lacking motivation at the moment and while cutting won’t fix that, it does to a point in that it proves to me that I’m still alive, still capable of feeling something, anything, and that I have some control in my life. Grr, the desire is almost unbearable at the moment. Life sucks majorly sometimes. Just really struggling this evening

I have heard of some studies done in which Topamax has been investigated for the efficacy in treating alcohol dependence, cocaine dependence, etc. (I don't have any citations off the top of my head, but after college I worked in an addiction research center, and one of the psychiatrists was running a study on using Topamax for treatment of alcohol abuse. I have also separately heard that Topamax can help with "impulsive behaviors" in general (binge/purge, self-harm, etc). Has anyone ever used it for purposes of reducing substance cravings and/or specifically to target impulsive behaviors? I have been struggling with substance abuse (DXM/"robotripping") with increasing lengths of abstinent time, but still using impulsively and having cravings. I also struggle with self-harm and binging behaviors with very rare purging (hx of full blown bulimia-- I'm afraid with increasing sobriety (12 days clean) that my ED and self-harm behaviors will exacerbate. I was on Topamax before for about 10 months, and it seemed to have a positive impact on my binge eating, at the very least. I was not having substance use problems then, so I can't comment with that. It probably helped with mood stability to an extent. (I'm not bipolar, more like borderline personality traits or full blown BPD, depending on which provider you ask, so a mood stabilizer is not imperative nor are medications the cure-all). And to top it off, I had less frequent headaches (working with gdoc to figure out if the chronic headaches are migraine, tension, or combined). And the Lamictal headache had not seemed to truly go away-- I always have at least a dull headache to an extent. My current pdoc doesn't have much experience with Topamax, so that was part of the reason for the switch from Topamax to Lamictal. (The other reason was I wanted to go on the BC pill, but boy was that a disaster!) I was thinking about talking to her about Topamax again and seeing if we can trade out the Lamictal for the Topamax. But I wanted to get some feedback about whether anyone here has used it for addiction, self-harm, binge eating/EDNOS, PTSD and BPD symptoms, etc. Thanks!

Back to school time is the hardest time for me of the year in regards to my self harming. The reason being is that I can go buy more of my "tools" that I use to self harm at a lot cheaper price. I have this whole routine that I go to the Dollar Tree and can get a 6-pack of my "tools" for a buck. Sometimes I find myself going to the store and clearing the shelf. Its like once I get there I get really, really panicky and have to buy every single one. I find myself thinking that one pack is not enough, two is not enough etc. I get paranoid too thinking that the cashier knows what I am doing. I seriously will be looking over my shoulder thinking the police, my mom etc will find me and throw me in the hospital. I will drive all over town sometimes going to every single Dollar Tree and clearing the shelves of these packs of my "tools" I think two years ago at this time I probably spent close to $200 at Dollar Tree just on my "tools" during just the back to school time. I probably would have spent that much last year if I wasnt in an long term facility. I then will come home and hide them all over so I have at least one "tool" accessible to me at all times in my home. At times I have one in my purse so that if I am out and about and want to self-harm I can. When I was sent to the long term facility last year my mom packed up my apartment. She told me that she found close to 200 of my tools all over my apartment. Its funny because i will go out of my way to go to Dollar Tree to buy more tools. In a pinch I will go to another store but ony buy one of my tools. This year it will be really hard to do this. My mom currently has my car keys and my money. I know its a good thing but its so hard to see all these commercials, newspaper ads and kids talking about going back to school and not thinking about what I usually do this time of the year...