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It's my 3rd time now that I've cut myself intentionally. I sliced my wrist at school and a teacher saw it. I did it to try to cope with my feelings of self hatred. I then had to see my school counselor after he saw me do it. It was kinda a bittersweet meeting. I cried a little after I got back to class but noone saw as I didn't weep and only shed 2 tears. I still can't believe I relapsed. I feel guility.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of money in a month. pretty much all on books and comics. I've never donet hat before. never. I was always "the cheap kid". my brother would be taking limosines to parties and I'd be going to maybe 1 movie a month. books. that's what I spent litearlly hundreds on this month. books. I lost the one thing I ahd. I feel like a demon, a parasite. especially since I had an argument with my mom over job stuff. I just started loking for a part time job again, but I don't want her to think everything esle I said that day didn't count. so I can't ask for any more moeny. I can't. I can't let them know after rent is taken out, I'll have $10 left. I have some cheques I can cash, but that'll take a few days to go thru. feeling suicidal. feeling worthless. I just wanted to efel happy. I wanted to read about people like me. I wanted to escape. and be seen. I just. I never thought this would happen what the hell is wrong with me fiancee says a friend of hers with depression did this. is it possible this is somehting to do with that?

What do you do when you feel so lousy that the days are void of meaning? How do you cope when you're so chronically bored and anxious that you feel the need to claw at your skin because it feels like bugs are eating you alive from the inside? What do you do when you've been suicidal for weeks and can't get help? That's the position I'm in right now. I know the answer most would give is to go IP, but I can't. There are a few reasons I can't but my dad is the biggest one. Even if I could go, IP won't even help if I have to come back to this piece of Hell on Earth. So what do you do when the conventional isn't an option?