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I’ve been dealing with major depressive disorder and anxiety for several years now. I’ve read a lot of books on psychology and neurology. But I’ve only recently started seeing a psychiatrist. I was getting prescriptions from general physicians. Currently I’m on Wellbutrin and it works great for my depression but my anxiety still shows up. I told my doctor that it feels like an under-lying current. The anxiety is constant but I keep it at bay. He prescribed me Seroquel 25mg. Today is my second day on it. I don’t think I really knew how to describe my anxiety before today because today my brain feels silent. It’s like before there was a constant negative voice, my own voice - I guess, that would always repeat any negative thought I ever had. All my doubts were vocalized by this voice. I’ve never described it as a voice before because I always associated it with just thoughts. But today those thoughts are not there. I’m calm and that’s weird. So my question is, is it really anxiety?

My pdoc once told me that I spent a long time being psychotic and it has become part of who I am as a result—that, to some degree, it's possible I will be residual (as in having residual symptoms) almost indefinitely (as it can with anyone). Having schizophrenia paired with BPD almost allows for this as I do not know who I am when I am not suffering. So, I hold on to the remnants of all that I knew to be the only absolute truths in this world at one time. I saw a thread discussing delusional residuum and it made me wonder if the remnants are a sign of psychosis integrating with the Ego or personality. Do you find the person you were whilst psychotic has meshed with your self pre-psychosis? Not to say that they are separate entities, of course. Do you find the delusional residuum to be part of who you are?

This is the first time I have ever reached out on something so public like this. I have a history of depression, anxiety and self harm. And although people would look at me and never think so, I'm still struggling to this day. Thing is, I stopped for a long time. A short while ago I started again. I can't say there's a particular trigger, sometimes I just want to. It started off as small things, little cuts that I could easily explain away if someone was to ask. Yesterday however was different. I wanted something more. I was fed up of these small cuts, I wanted something bigger, something better. It's not a pain thing, man I hate pain. But the aftermath of seeing what I have done, seeing the blood, the cuts, the scars fascinates me no end. I grabbed a knife from the counter, and I just stabbed at my leg. It didn't really hurt either. It felt like a graze. Not thinking I had done anything I didn't even look down, until I noticed the pool of blood that was following me as a walked. The blood all over the bathroom floor. But it wasn't enough. If anything I'm thinking about it more now, and I'm not ashamed to say I don't want to stop. I'm proud of my scars in a weird way, and I know it is not 'normal' but that's just me. I went to work that night feeling good because I had a secret. I have a shitty job Yeh, but aside from that I am married, have a fantastic family that are always behind me and we are planning to move soon. I don't understand why I do what I do, no one I can talk to truly understands. I'm looking for someone to talk to, to relate to this. I feel alone in this matter, and feeling more crazy as each day passes. Surely there is someone out there that understands me? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Sooo...I just SI'd after about two months free...pssht, I dunno why, just been super agitated lately, could not stop thinking about it. Probably my own fault, all this started for me after I read "Cut" in middle school. Never worked then, but when my physical problems brought on a depression recently, well, it worked. Silly me, after going a while without doing it, on a restless day, I did the stupid thing, went to the bookstore, found "Cut" and started reading...it was only a matter of time...two days actually :/ Now I don't know how I'm gonna face my pdoc Tuesday...I promised him I wouldn't do it, and I made it 2+ months until the agitation and "I don't give a shit" feeling crept in. Oddly enough I don't feel bad about doing it so much as being a dissapointment to my pdoc, like a confirmation of the monster I've felt I has inside. I did it twice...and I want more...I know I shouldn't but I do, I just wanna screw it all and go nuts (not in a suicidal way, but like a binge). What do I do??