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Found 24 results

  1. So I’ve recently had my heart broken by someone I thougth was the love of my life. The way he ended the relationship was disrespectful, disregarding our years together and just overal shattered my heart into a million pieces. The first two weeks I was going on fine, I kept myself busy, I was barely home and I didn’t give myself the time to even think about it. It has been in the last week that it has really hit me. How much I invested into the relationship, only to find out that I was the only one. How much love I still have and have had for this man, only to find out that he didn’t feel the same. How many years I’ve spent building something together, memories, a life, only to be all taken away in a second. I think what hurts the most, is the when I realized how easily he ended things. Withouth remorse, without so much as a blink of an eye. That really made me realize how little I ment to him. And that’s what hurts the most. Someone being your whole world, and you not being even a speck of theirs. How could I not see it all along? My friend told me, that it’s because I really did and still do love him. I couldn’t see that he was not as invested as I was. She didn’t see it either. How do you guys deal with heartbreak? I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or think straight since it happend. And the urges of a relapse are really really strong. I’ve already relapsed in my eating, I don’t want to do it in SI too. What is something that helped you through a rough breakup? When you feel really worthless, unimportant and just broken?
  2. It's the third day of December and I decided I wanted to do this thing called 'No cut December'. I want to recover from self harm, and help others along the way as we get through this journey together. So for the whole month of December, let's try to stay clean. It's a quite a challenge but I'm sure we can do it.
  3. Ugh. I hate this. I just slipped up after being twelve days clean. I noticed I always go a period of time being clean then slip up. This has been happening for months now. For example, I would be two weeks clean then slip up. After that, I would go like a week and a half clean and then slip up. I'm so sick of this cycle.
  4. Today my mom told me she was trying to find a counselor. Today was the first day I wore short sleeves without makeup on my arm. Today I don't have to live in fear about people finding out.
  5. I have been sick for the past few days. My mom was taking care of me and she rolled up my hoodie sleeve and saw my scars. She questioned them and I didn't reply. Then she told me she is not mad, she just wants me to be happy. She took away my razors and told my dad. Both my parents reacted very calm about it, I'm so grateful and blessed to have parents like this. They don't want me to be stressed. They don't want to see me like this. My mom suggested other coping mechanisms. She also said I could talk to her anytime if something is bothering me. I might be able to get a counselor sometime. ?
  6. Yesterday was my homecoming dance. It wasn't really that happy, though. One of my best friends danced and hung out with the guy I had a crush on for years. Before I convinced myself I was completely over him, but apparently I wasn't. I saw their interactions, how happy they were. I wouldn't say I was jealous, I was just heartbroken. But my other best friends cheered me up. We danced and it was a good time. After we went into the bathroom to talk not including my other best friend who was still hanging out with my crush. My chest felt heavy the whole time, I hid it with a smile. My other best friends knew what I was feeling, we tried comforting each other. When I got home last night, I REALLY wanted to self harm. I held the blade up to my skin, but couldn't do it. I sat there for about an hour trying, it didn't work. So I ended up falling asleep. This morning I woke up, felt like complete crap. The emotions were so strong, as well as the urge to cut myself. Well, now I have twenty more cuts on my arm.
  7. I said in a previous post I was afraid of telling my friends the fact that I cut. But yesterday, I finally told one of my closest best friends, and she totally was sympathetic. She told me to try to stop and she doesn't want me to hurt myself. I don't know if I'll be able to stop cutting right now, but in the near future I will sure be clean.
  8. I don't feel anymore, all I hear is noise. No touch of a hand, no tickle of a whisper in my ear, not a kiss, an embrace, nothing. Nothing except noise. This constant white noise of sounds I can't even string together anymore. It's all consuming and too much. I want to switch it off but I can't do it alone. I need to know that there is someone out there who also hears the noise. Who, like me is ready to not just turn it down but switch it off completely.
  9. Putting ice down my shirt drawing where I want to cut Going straight to bandaging Snapping a rubber band against my skin Biting my lip Squeezing where my scars are Writing in morbid detail where and how I'd like to cut Imagining cutting myself Tracing scars in pen taking a cold shower I do all of these EVERY DAY, yet I still self harm close to 5 times a day. Please tell me your strategies
  10. I found out my friend stabs herself with a pencil in the hand to feel better. I am concerned. Please help, is this considered self-harm?
  11. My therapists were encouraging me to one again try to get rid of my tools and I almost did but in doing so I found a nastier tool and escalated instead instead of de-escalating. I did something worse than I have been doing to myself, that I haven't done in months and I hate myself for it. I feel like such a failure.
  12. I self harm, and no I don't want to stop. I'm confused because usually people say they wished they had never started self harm, I'm not one of them though. I'm fine with this. It's not only a (kinda bad) coping mechanism, it's calming. I like seeing blood and seeing the cut as it heals and scars. I don't think that's weird, but if it is, oh well. And I was wondering, if I want to cut deeper without dying or anything like that (and not needing stitches) where would be the best place to do so?
  13. I'm struggling, guys. I went from no sh for 4.5year to almost daily cutting now. It's escalated rapidly in the last week or 2. I just got back from a therapy appointment where I finally told him I was cutting again and showed him some. The PTSD therapy has triggered it to get bad fast. He's taking this week a little slower to see how close to si I really am. I'm not suicidal, but I'm afraid I will be. I told him all that. He wants me to try other things like ice instead. None of that ever helped. I'm EXHAUSTED after the session today. It was the hardest session of therapy I've ever had in all these years. I feel like I have no confidence in myself to stop doing it right now. Anyone else struggle with alternatives not helping? Any suggestions? Thanks.
  14. Does anyone else have a fixation on their keloids from previous self harm? I've noticed I'm pretty drawn to it. I only have 1 that I focus on. The others aren't very big because I don't tend to cut them as often. I choose other areas. Except the 1 keloid, I seem to stare at all the time until I give in and cut it, making sure to cut enough to enlarge it. I don't know why I'm like this. It's like...it gives me satisfaction and a sense of...accomplishment? I know that's way twisted, but it's the truth. Anyone else?
  15. Hi guys. i really need advice, and anyone who's been in my position would be even more helpful. To make a really long story short, I have had an eating disorder for 12+ years that I am honestly not ready to tackle. However, with it comes anxiety, SH, depression, etc. which I hate so much. The beginning of this year I started seeing this therapist, who was pricey, but I really liked. I was very suicidal, anxious, depressed, and binge eating a lot, which caused serious weight gain. After meeting a few times she determined that my ED was where most of my behavior stemmed from and she wasn't a specialist so she couldn't help me further. She did get me into an outpatient ED program tho, which I honestly never followed through with. I work in the town she practiced in, so I knew her from work. She like understood and got where I was coming from with a lot of stuff. I was honestly heartbroken it couldn't work out long term. I started seeing a "specialist," or so she claimed, for a few months. Honestly it was a horrible experience, and she freaked me out and it made me more depressed and worse off. I withdrew from everyone, felt like if I had an emergency she wouldn't be there, etc. she was a bad therapist. It would have never worked out. Anyhow, I was at my old job today and ran into my original therapist, this was the second time since we stopped seeing each other. I got to talk to her a bit, and I really miss her. When we ended our therapy earlier this year, she told me to call her or text her any time if I wasn't safe or if I ever needed anything. I of course never did, but it was nice knowing that she was there. I know she couldn't work out long term, because she is correct, my problems lie in my eating disorder. I've lost a ton of weight again since then, and I just need advice. Like someone to vent to, to get me back on track. Is it weird to contact her again and just ask if we can talk again even just temporarily? I only met her a few times in therapy, but I knew her a little outside of it from seeing her at work. I really liked her and trusted her. It would be so nice just to be able to talk to her here and there. However, like I said she made it very clear she can't help me throughly enough with what I struggle with. So is it redundant to see her again? Just to get the same answer I guess. I just would love to view therapy in a positive light again and I feel like she can help. I just don't know if her texting me to contact her was just her being nice. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Go back to her, or just move on, (although I don't think I will!) sorry for the long story, but any help is appreciated! Thank you
  16. I need help in cutting like self harm guidance I'm totally new to this. I'm all alone have no friend. I'm from asia my age is 22. There is no one who knew about my SI.
  17. READERS, this might be long so. i'm posting on behalf of my friend who couldn't bring herself to post online. Let me give you a brief background on her. She's 21, studying in a university(law) (decent middle class family, good education & friend circle). Im just trying to let you form a better image.of her. one of her relatives used to touch her chest.. through the shirt when she was 6-7. She only realized this years later now. She has been cutting quite frequently.. including ankle, back, shoulder arms etc. According to her, she's masochistic. Also, for recreation purposes, she drinks sometimes/does drugs like weed or shrooms. Also,She confided these experiences in her best friend only for later finding herself molested by this best friend. This has aggravated her issues.. She feels as though she can't tell anyone about. Yes, she has tried counselling and other concerned "help" utilities with no fruitful solution. Why she didnt come online posting it here or somewhere else? According to her, posting online would " make it seem truer?" She does accept all of it though. All of the stuff that is going on , having said that she's scared. Now, i know you might be suggesting going after the males involved but that's redundant, and of no use. She's smart, She's intelligent for sure. But i can understand how it must feel when you feel alone and helpless not knowing if you'll be able to keep yourself alive through it all.
  18. Trigger warning I have a history of cutting myself. I started doing it when I was 11 and am now 27. Recently when I have self harmed it's been pretty serious. Hospitalization serious. I thought everything was out of my place that I would harm with, then I stumbled upon a self harm tool today. So I used it. I used all my pre-prepared bandages and everything. I'm disgusted with myself at how easy it was for me to fall back onto that... all it took was discovering an old tool. This is so difficult because I want to never self harm again yet its such a relief when I do. Now I have to work up the courage and will to get rid of what I just found. Does it ever feel like an uphill battle to get rid of tools for anyone else?
  19. I have been on Zoloft for over a year now since my hospitalization at the end of 2013. I was diagnosed with major depression with psychosis. I have had depression since I was 13/14 (25 now) but that was my first psychotic episode. I have been much happier and less emotional since the meds kicked in (zoloft 100mg) but if I do get upset, which is rare, I become uncontrollable & sob like a child while repeatedly self-harming. I've given myself 2 concussions so far this year by banging my head [edited for compliance w board guidelines]. Last summer (2014) I began to [edited for compliance with board guidelines]. I have never been this violent with myself. I can't talk to my therapist about this bc I am scared of readmission. I also don't know where to begin. I feel like there's no fixing this part of me. I feel like a child when it happens. Like "look at me! Pay attention to me! I am here and I am hurting" it's a raw pain, a childlike sadness. I am starting to worry about myself. The first time I used head banging i ended up with two black eyes from the brain trauma. I've already had a serious contusion from a car accident. Now I've had at least 3 concussions from self-harming and multiple jagged scars on my arms (very noticeable and embarrassing). Anyone with experience or advice, I would really appreciate it.
  20. My name is Nicki Paton, I'm 27 years old and below is my story- I was signed off work with depression last year, I then began to self harm several times a day in a bid to cope which resulted in me being referred to hospital and from then on a counsellor. I was contemplating suicide when my mother was then diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. After that day I vowed to never cut myself again because my actions had devastated her and she was more worried about me than her own health. It drove me to write a book about these tragic events over Christmas last year which I presented to my mum on Christmas day and dedicated to her. I sent it to publishers in January and recieved word in April that Crushing Hearts and Black Butterfly publishing (based in America) wanted to publish it in both the US and UK. I believe this story is an example of how something good can come out of any situation. It is due to be released on 23rd August and is titled "Cutting The Pink Ribbon" through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and overseas. this subject does not get enough media coverage...id love to hear everyones stories so please contact me or check out my site http://patonnicki.wix.com/nickipaton
  21. My name is Rachel, and this is my story. The story starts around the end of 9th grade. My best friend at the time who I had been connected at the hip with got a boyfriend. Needless to say, she forgot about me. It was hard to go from always being together to being blown of for a guy who probably didn't give two shits about her. It also didn't help that I had no other friends so I was automatically alone. Isolated. I started seeing things on Tumblr about self harm and I had always thought I would never go that far, Until... I stepped on a plastic pencil sharpener while cleaning my room and of course the blade fell out. At first I was very nervous, things like 'what if I die?' or 'What if someone found out?' running through my mind. But once I had told myself 'just one cut wont kill you.' Everything fell apart. The high I felt at seeing blood well up out of a thin cut I had made with my own hand. It felt like Justice had been ruled. I felt lighter. I continued. I later stopped after finding a new best friend. I thought I was happy. But no. Ever since then, all I could see were the bad things around me. Nothing good seemed to stand out anymore. My dad stopped talking to me, and has yet to again. My mother reprimands me at every chance she gets, always asking me 'why aren't you like your sister, you used to be the good child.' My grades started dropping for the first time, I would feel tired even after a 5 hour nap. All I wanted to do was sleep and coop myself up in my room. My mom soon noticed a difference in me and signed me up for counseling. I didn't talk to the counselor at all, I never liked talking to people about my feelings, it makes me feel vulnerable. So she took me out of it, and I went back to being a shut in. I never left the house or my room for that matter unless I really had to. I continued to wear jackets or long-sleeved shirts everyday to hide the cuts and scars that just seemed to multiply. They soon moved to my thighs as they were more easily covered since I never wore shorts. I don't wear anything that showed above my knees because I hate my legs. I hate almost every part of my body. I'm not over exaggerating either. I seriously formed a hate for my body that can't be easily cast away. Soon the cutting stopped for the most part, and I am trying to stop now although I relapse a lot. That's why I'm here. To receive support and to find people that understand. I like hearing other peoples stories too. I'm a good listener that doesn't judge... I'm here if you need me. Thanks for reading the whole boring thing <3
  22. Lately i feel like my dr doesnt care about my health. I have sarcoidosis and my kidneys only work 26% and now all my joints are aching to the point that i cry and have gone to the dr and all she said was to start physical therapy and to take 4,000 mg of tylenol a day. Thats an aweful lot of tylenol if u ask me in one day. She will not give me anything for my pain. I am becoming moody because i cant sleep and then i snap at those i love.....I am feeling so low that i really want to cut myself. Hell that pain would be less than what i am feeling now.........I have it all figured out as to what im going to do to myself. My kids are home but i can do this without them knowing. they are 17 yrs old and stay in their rooms mostly. I am hoping someone will reply to this message and help me get past this shitty feeling............Before i hit my breaking point............Please help. JessL
  23. *POSSIBLE TRIGGER* I'm cutting my throat again, not deep enough to cause a clear 'flow' of blood but enough to leave a clear cut mark which scares anyone who see's it. I kinda wish that I would cut deep enough to cause some damage, or worse. I dont know if this scared me, I think it annoys me but im worried as I'm starting to notice a pattern: Whenever I feel at my most desperate I tend to cut my throat. Its a bit of a last resort reflex...i think? It could be due to stress....I've been feeling extremley stressed by college and in crisis for about a month now...its taking its toll, big time!! Also my parents keep shouting at me, demanding that I "pull myself together" and that I stop "draining all their emotions" and "deal with it just as every other teenager does" Sorry parents but I didnt realise that every teenager was homicidal, suicidal, has major delusional and paranoid issues along with other things. Oh and did I mention that my mum is blaming this all in hormones as she notices a correlation in my visible mood and menstraul cycle...has she not realised that I put on a facade for her sake and that maybe, at certain times of the month, I become destracted by others things easier and therefor dont manage to hide my true feelings as well???? Sorry if I dont make much sense, i'm a bit shaky and just blurgh!... rant over.
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