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christi4n posted a topic in Antidepressants - If You're Crappy and You Know ItTook Paroxetine for 13 years from 2002-2015. Then I decided I want to feel real emotions again like a real human being and went off of it cold turkey on September 1st 2015. After three weeks of brain zaps I was finally free! Or so I thought... Felt good for two months before anxiety and desperate thoughts ruled my life. In February I realized I was in severe depression. Decided to return to Paroxetine not knowing about the initial side effects (had none in 2002). Had three days of pure horror and was truly determined to end my life for the first time ever. Immediately stopped and tried St. John's Wort instead. Had a good week but then I couldn't sleep and thus not function at work so I tried to do without any medication again. That didn't work out well so on March 17th I began taking Citalopram (Celexa). First four days 10mg, then 20mg. To calm me down in order to be able to sleep I also took 1mg of Fluanxol every day at 4pm. Endured seven weeks including a few suicidal days. But the Citalopram didn't do squat for me! Decided that I should give Paroxetine another try and stopped taking Citalopram+Fluanxol on May 3rd. Took nothing on May 4th and then immediately started with 20mg of Paroxetine on May 5th. In the past I had taken it in the evening but now I was afraid of insomnia and thus I currently take it in the morning at 6am. Side effects now have been anxiety, desperate thoughts and sweaty hands and feet. Only in the evening I always feel relaxed and normal. Read about Paxil not working well for many people the 2nd time around which scared me to death because it seems to be the only med that worked for me. Now today, it's day 17 back on Paroxetine, something happened: at 5pm I suddenly went into zombie mode for 3 hours. Zombie mode is the state I was in the 13 years of taking Paroxetine the first time. It's like there is a glass pane before my eyes shielding me. It's like there is a barrier in my head protecting me. It's like I'm not really here. But I can partake in anything without fear. I was happy that I finally got to be in this state again! There was no depression and no fear. I can't live unprotected like normal people. I tried and failed. I need my zombie mode back! Unfortunately after three hours it ended and anxiety returned. Hope this experience today means that Paroxetine already starts working again! My life may depend on it. I'll glady stay in zombie mode for the rest of my life if it means I don't have to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts anymore. Better undead than dead.