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  1. Hi all! First time posting and I'm new to the site. I have struggled for large stretches of my life with depression, anxiety, self-harm, trichotillomania (chronic hair pulling-out) etc. In the past couple years I've found an amazing therapist and gotten on Zoloft for depression and Buspar for anxiety. I have a wonderful Spouse, a great job (despite a rough boss,) and a stable home with adorable pets. Overall life is pretty good these days. I have around 10 alters. Some have come out of nowhere, some have splintered off from other alters over time. They all basically have jobs: protection, regression, self-soothing, order, fun, sex, etc. I have some lost time and amnesia but overall we're all pretty co-conscious these days, sharing experiences and memories. Mostly. I think I'm getting to a point in therapy where I am about to figure out some of the root cause of the DID. I know I was sexually assaulted by another kid (a bully/"friend") at least once when very young, but I don't think I was every assaulted by an adult when I was a child. But my parents moved me and my siblings around A LOT. Like 25 times before I was 16. All over the world. Hotels, relatives' homes, friend's apartments, etc. Could this lack of consistency, home country, and sense of "home" in general ...BE the root cause for my apparent DID? Could this continued and forced reinvention of identity be the cause of my DID? I don't have an official diagnosis yet due to going to a free clinic, because insurance reasons. But my therapist has said, "unofficially," that I do seem to have DID, and we talk about it all the time. Did any of you who have DID develop it without a "clear childhood trauma?"
  2. i would like to talk about the sexual abuse that my ex-husband did to me, in explicit terms, say exactly what happened. Is that ok here? I don't want to trigger someone or freak them out. Thank you!
  3. So, I'm quite new here, but anyways. I got depressed and started cutting when I was 11, tried to commit suicide and all that during the next 4 years. I went through a therapy. When I was 15 I was completely fine, there were lows, and thoughts of self injury, but hey, it's normal isn't it ? Now I am 17, and I went to Asia for an exchange programm. I'm here since ten month. And I was abstinence from self harm around two years. I faced some problems here, I was sexual abused for example, but I don't have issues with that, I mean hello ? I'm not a victim, and I could protect myself, so hey, I am fine. The thoughts came more often. Cutting, cutting, cutting. Blood, Blood, Blood. And yesterday I freaked out and I did it. And not too bad. After 2 years, 37 cuts. Not bad my friend. So now, I am scared, I don't know what to do and I'll go home in 2 weeks. What to do now ? Everybody thinks and says I'm fine, but in fact, today I could do it again. Just to calm down. To make the voices shut up. To feel good. In fact, I don't regret it. I don't think Hey, I did something wrong to myself, I just think, hey, you disappointed everybody again, if you tell anybody.And my family, they're so proud and happy that I'm so grown up and mature and fine now. And my friends they are so excited. And my ex therapist, she's so fond of me. And everything just works out fine. Except that I want to destroy myself. Any suggestions ? I would be glad for some kind of help or advice
  4. Hi there, I'm new to this website and I just had a relapse for the first time in a month. I have a bit of a story to go with it, so bear with me for a few lines? I went to a mental hospital for ten days at the beginning of March, and when I got out, they put me on Prozac and right into counselling. Well, I figured out in my session yesterday that I had been sexually abused not once, but twice in my childhood by two different parties. Needless to say, I have been dwelling on it and I'm very, very affected by this. I haven't cut since I went into the hospital (having gone there with cuts that could have warranted stitches), but I relapsed tonight just thinking about what I had figured out yesterday. I've been a compulsive cutter for three years, and hardly ever stopped. I just... I really need some help. What do I do? How do I deal with a relapse? How do I make sure I can stop myself this time, or the next time it happens? I've hardly ever gone more than a couple weeks without self-harm in some fashion, as far as I can truly remember. I don't know how to stop myself without going back to the hospital. I would really like some help. I would be very relieved to receive some. Thank you.
  5. Hello everyone. I came to the realization in therapy on Thursday that I *may* have been SA'ed by my mother, on two occasions. I already have acknowledged that I was emotionally abused by my mother and that she had very poor boundaries with me (alternating between too lax and too rigid with not much middle ground), which set the context for the family environment in which I felt I couldn't disclose the "real" abuse (i.e. sexual abuse from my cousin). My c-ptsd stems from this early childhood sexual abuse set against a backdrop of an emotionally unsafe/invalidating household, my family's eventual response to my disclosure, a five year abusive (emotionally, physically, and sexually) relationship I had throughout my adolescence (which was in part an effort to distract from and avoid my family shit), with the "icing on the cake" being a date r*pe when I was 21 (which is when everything else started to unravel). So, because I have this great tendency to minimize my experiences (i.e. "no penetration, no violent force, so how can it be 'that bad' "?) AND to overempathize with my abusers (i.e. "he was abused himself, so I understand why he did it"), my tdoc had given me this handout/worksheet to discuss in therapy about different manifestations of sexual abuse. We were talking about it and it came to this one particular part: "It is still abuse if you were not touched but were forced to show private parts of your body" (or something like that). Immediately, this image and memory of an incident with my mother popped into my head; it was something tdoc and I had discussed in the context of emotional abuse from my mom. Basically, I was about 10, and my mom and I went to see my grandma after we had gone school shopping for me (where I happened to also get my first training bra-- I developed early). I was telling grandma about the cool shirts, shoes, jeans, etc I bought, and my mom jumped in and said I forgot to mention one other thing. She finally got me to tell my grandma that I got some bras. My grandma acted all shocked and grandmotherly and was like, "Bras? Bras? You don't need bras; you are so young." My mom said that I definitely needed them and said, "Here, Kat, show her." She didn't mean the bras-- she meant for me to lift up my shirt and show my breasts. WTF? I said no, but she kept insisting, and I just kept saying no. I ran into the bathroom and hid. Then when I came out, she was still insisting. My grandma stood up for me and told my mom to stop, that I didn't have to do it and she believed it without seeing it, but my mom said I did because I was being "defiant" and that if I didn't I would be grounded. It was summer and being non-grounded was really important to me, so I lifted up my shirt and showed her. I was grounded anyway for being so "defiant" before (this was like a 20 minute ordeal). When I connected that this experience may have been sexually abusive, I immediately recalled another incident with my mom, maybe a few months later. I was taking a bath, and my mom bursts into the bathroom to get something. She looks at me in the tub, notices that I am starting to grow pubic hair, and starts taunting me in this singsongy voice, "You've got your ____, you've got your ____." (I can't even type in the word for what she said, but it was basically something my mom made up to describe a patch of pubic hair.) I get upset and yell at my mom to get out. She says, "Why, it's nothing to be ashamed of!," as if it's a really good thing (that she just made fun of me about). Then she gets offended and storms out of the bathroom. Then, in therapy, after describing these two incidents, I said something like, "Wow, it's weird to think that I might have been sexually abused twice by my mom." I never thought of it in those terms. And since then, I have been feeling highly anxious, kind of gross/shameful, tearful, and just generally "weird." I don't know why putting a different label on it makes it feel different. I don't even know if it's an "appropriate" label for what I just described. I mean, I highly doubt that she got any sexual pleasure out of those experiences. And then, here I go again with the overempathizing. She was sexually abused herself and never acknowledged or dealt with it until I was, like, 16. She had several mental health issues and likely a personality disorder as well (as do I, so I know what it "feels" like). Thus, I feel like I "shouldn't" feel any certain way about it (or shouldn't express my feelings, at the very least) because there's a "logical explanation" for it. (End trigger). I'm not sure what I want from this post, maybe just support and validation? Does this sound like sexual abuse, or would it still fall within the realm of emotional abuse? (I don't even know if that's an "appropriate" question to ask here.) How can I cope with this? I don't want to take too much time in therapy, if it's not that relevant, discussing these things because there is SO MUCH to discuss there. I feel like I've already come to terms with a lot of the dynamics with my mother. She has changed quite a bit, and my relationship with her over the past several years has been great. She is one of my best friends. Now, I feel weird to even call her. OK, I will stop now. Thanks for reading/listening, if you made it this far.
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