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I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development of an eating disorder, which is a new development in my crazy. I am in my late forties. WTH, brain? WHY? Why do I do this to myself?

I've left high school and my hometown. I came here, and I was happy. But I could still hear my family and my old classmates demeaning me and hating me in my head. My concentration isn't what it used to be, so I've not been my best academically, which is a huge trigger. I've started on my hip now so no one knows. I'm so ashamed

hi everyone, I'm Emily, 28 married 2 kids... Still stuck in this bullshit disease. Miserable most of the time. Definitely isolated and lonely, I feel like I'm the only one struggling even though I'm not. Diagnosed anorexic years ago, got pregnant, second time was a living hell for me! Lots of purging .. Back to restricting postpartum, then crept to binge eating and bulimia, now "ednos". Really wanna break purging. Used to be almost everyday til I had a major health scare a month ago. Now a couple times a week. Wanna make it none but ya know, much easier said then done. Also bipolar and borderline, def depression in there. And anxiety. lots of med experimentation. "Fun" !! Any who that's me! Just looking for support and friendship, somewhere I can go rant about all this shit I go through daily. Sick of fighting alone

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I have a lot of physical health issues, and I think that they can nearly all be traced back to my GAD. Migraine headaches, muscle pain and spasms, stomach issues, dizziness, general fatigue -- it just feels like a constant onslaught. While the rational part of my brain knows that I am a very healthy person - the only "real" illness I've had in the last few years is a kidney stone this past month, which is just compounding the situation because it's quite painful - I still feel like a very sick and broken person, even though I know my issues are mostly anxiety-related. My boyfriend is very supportive of me, even when I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I still wonder, who would put up with someone like me? And are there other people who deal with these problems? Or am I just, like, incapable of handling life's stresses?

Hello, I'm new to this. My last incident has led to this website. Two weeks ago, I was pretty drunk, okay..wasted and decided I have had enough with life. I took an entire bottle of ambien and woke up in the hospital the next morning. I do remember taking the pills, but it was the drinking that made me do it. Sober, I cant picture hurting myself. Anyhow, now not only am I ashamed. I have to deal with pity from family who are constantly asking how I am doing. AND the medical bills to come for the ambulance and 3 day hospital stay. I do have insurance but im still going to be facing a huge amount of debt. This just makes everything else worse and causes anxiety. ahh

May be Triggering for some - not not explicit. Hi All, I've been cutting since I was 12, was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 15; which seems to explain why - I've never really figured it out myself. I've had long periods of recovery, and I really thought I had it cracked this time. I was wrong. Last night I relapsed. I'm going to keep working on getting better, and not let this get me down or put me off finding healthier solutions, the usual spiel, but in the meantime I have to deal with the fallout, and I think I need some support with that. My family knows about my history with SI, and how I've been good for a while - but we don't tend to talk about it much, it's an uncomfortable subject after all. Since I'm home from uni and staying with them right now, I'm struggling with whether or not to come clean. I didn't want to upset them, and am fairly sure this is not going to be indicative of a serious relapse, so I wasn't going to mention anything. Then my aunt invited us to go swimming with herself and my cousins - worst luck! Fairly sure I could lie my way out of it, which would be less stressful option for all; but also sets a precedence I've been trying to avoid. On the other hand, piling familial stress on top of my current abundance of crazy seems like a recipe for disaster. Any thoughts? Lillian.

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I've been having the physical sensations of a panic attack for two days. My chest is starting to ache as my heart won't stop racing.. My hands shake, I can't take a deep breath. All this because of shame. I am consumed by shame and self hatred (due to recent behavior) and all the self soothing skills I'm trying are barely taking the edge off. I'm 28 and have borderline personality, and am in therapy. My therapy goal now is to get me back to work after two years dedicated to getting a handle on my MI. Frankly, the idea of going to work absolutely paralyzes me with fear. Two nights ago, the way I chose to cope with this fear was by reverting to the reckless, dysfunctional behavior that defined so much of my early 20's. All I know is that night, I had an incredibly strong urge to be destructive. To sabotage the progress I've made. The "wise" part of me was sounding the alarm, but I chose to ignore it. CHOSE destruction. The night started with me basically chugging a half bottle of wine and proceeding to drive to some bars downtown. Once there I had at least two or three more strong drinks (I'm petite and 5'1" so that was quite a bit) I then begin chatting with a guy who was clearly "on something", friendly but high as a kite. And, my destructive, self-loathing mind decided I was going to I with him to his friends house... Alone. I was led to a sleazy, run down, crack house looking place. I was there with my new "friend" and four of his male friends. Four big men, strangers to me, and all high..I was offered a line of meth..and snorted it. Something I've sworn I would never try.. But again i felt nothing except the desire to escape. I sat down on a filthy bed while my mind an heart raced. I thought of nothing but the moment I was in. I suppressed any and all concern or care for my well being. The stimulant kept me up all night., just sitting.. Doing nothing but existing. I sat in that filthy drug house until the sun came up, and then crept out and found my car. The passenger window had been smashed in. I cleared away as much glass as I could, and then drove home. Another close call, one of far too many. I know nobody is lucky all the time. If I can't control these urges, one of these reckless nights will be my last. I apologize for the rambling and the length, and if you did read this, thank you. I don't understand my terror at the idea of taking charge of my life. I hate Myself right now, and I'm actually feeling afraid to press "post".. But, here it goes.

So, my self injury. My fiance found out about it not that long ago... he was upset, to say the least, and only now am I able to explain - I feel the need to punish myself. If I make a social mistake (problems interpreting social cues), or if I let someone down, or if I upset him (which is cyclical of course). I feel guilty, and I get recurring thoughts about how horrible and worthless I am, and I can't stop focusing on my mistake until I am punished... Does anyone else feel like this? Like they MUST punish themselves? I've promised him I won't do it anymore and that's helped me a lot so far but it's REALLY hard when I need to punish myself...