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Found 13 results

  1. So, recently I cut a few times on my arm, and I kept going to the grocery store and about half way through shopping I would realize that I was wearing a t-shirt. I then started freaking out and tried to hide my arm for the rest of my shopping, because I was only picking up a couple items, and didn't feel like running out and then coming back after changing my shirt... It felt a bit weird, I was thinking 'what if they think I'm trying to hide track marks or something? Which is worse?' I then started wondering why I was trying to hide my cuts, is it because I'm embarrassed for cutting? Or is it because I don't want to upset everyone else? I realized that I was really trying to hide them because I didn't want to upset people around me, potentially trigger someone else, and I was like screw this! I shouldn't care about what others think. If I keep forgetting, it must be for some reason, so I started wearing a t-shirt on purpose. I was just wondering if anyone else has had similar thoughts/experiences?
  2. Hello I'm Woody, some one called me that the other day so I thought I would go with that name. I also loved Toy story when I was a kid. Not very good at summarising so apologise, this will possible turn into an essay. Will probably also provide far to much information too but not good at knowing what to say or what not to say. so either I say nothing or everything. I'm female (23) though normally I feel a lot younger. Found CB when googling about SI. Or more, reasons why I shouldn't. So that covers one part of why I am here. I've been self harming since I was about 13. starting with taking overdoses and then moving on to cutting. I hadn't done it in seven weeks till last week. and I'm trying not to do it again... I wonder how long that will last. Em history.. I've been hospitalised 6 times I think starting when I was 14 last time a few months ago. I've been diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's Syndrome specifically) with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) ADD, ODD, Dyspepsia, Dyslexia, Synsnasia And Sensory Processing disorder. Took quite a while to be diagnosed with anything but when I did got a load at once. Currently doing Schema therapy once a week. It helps but is really hard. This week will be seventeenth session and see Pdoc (is that psychiatrist?) sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. Was sexually abused as a kid and raped when I was 18. Em so have PTSD too (Don't know if I've actually been diagnosed with that officially but every time I see doc she refers to what going on with me under that name, I don't really care at this stage there's been so many clinical labels its overloading sometimes, and really its all just different parts of me.) I'm good a dissociating, I've been told, but I'm meant to trying not to do that cause its just away of avoiding what really going on but I am very good at avoiding too and suffer from depression with borderline behaviours (what ever that means). If I were to put all these acronyms after my name I'd look super qualified. I deferred college this year (Just got through First Year) because I was too afraid to go back. Turns out I am a perfectionist and get so afraid of failure I just wont even begin. Which in itself is Failure. I'm ruled by logic but sometimes my emotions override that and I go into a state of abstract logic which may not be logic at all. But I can convince myself otherwise. Right now I feel horrible, can't eat (that parts new), cant sleep can't concentrate. Though I should maybe start writing a bit more cause this is helping a little bit. Out in the world, when I manage to go out, I hold everything in. (not by choice, not not by choice, I don't know how to explain.) I'm generally very honest, blunt. with nearly everything but how I am feeling. I just can't seem to express how I feel. I suppose I feel locked inside myself when out in the world. And I want to take control and tell the truth, say how I feel but its like I'm not in control of me. I go to say "actually no I'm absolutely not OK, I'm not coping, I feel so alone, I'm not safe." but I can't, the journey the words make from my mind to my voice feels broken. as if I have a virus there and I cant be honest in they most important way and all I can say is "I'm OK" and I'm not. at home the last few days is unbearable either I'm in tears (at least I can still cry, maybe I should see that as a good thing.) or I'm numb. sometimes its a bit like being stuck on an aeroplane, not going anywhere, with a foggy feeling in my head unable to concentrate on anything, irritated by background noise and restless. Recently I think the only thing keeping me alive is having ASD and my logical mind, being unable to believe in anything. Like faith. If I had faith I'd be dead. but I don't and I'm terrified of the unknown, too much to do anything. but I'm not really living. I'm alive, surviving but not living.. I could write a lot more but I think I've probably wrote to much already. Maybe I'll write some more in another post and maybe ill be able to be more positive another time. But today... I'm absolutely not OK. (I've read the User Agreement, but will read it again as I might forget some of it sometime.)
  3. Australian participants aged 18-25 required for a research project looking at the relationship between body image concerns and non-suicidal self-injury. This study, approved by the ethics board of Monash University, hopes to improve the understanding of this relationship, and look at factors that may be protective or predictive. This study will require you to complete an online survey, taking approximately 35-50 minutes. By participating, you can go in the draw to win a $100 Village Cinemas Gold Class gift card. Both males and females are invited to participate. You do not need to have a history of self-injury to participate in this study – we require a variety of responses. Please note that people who have attempted suicide in the past are not eligible to participate in this study. This survey contains questions on a number of sensitive issues that may cause discomfort or concern in some participants. If you have a history of self-injury, you will be asked to disclose some details on types of self-injurious behaviours, frequency and intent. Body image concerns and eating attitudes are also discussed, and you may feel uncomfortable answering these questions. Questions in the survey also cover topics such as symptoms of depression and anxiety, coping skills and emotion. Please only complete this survey if you feel able to answer questions on these topics. If you are feeling distressed during the survey, you may withdraw at any point prior to submitting your answers. A list of counselling and support services will be provided at the end of this statement and upon completion of the survey. Results from this study will hopefully improve understanding of the relationship between body image and self-injury, and indicate directions for treatment and early intervention. Please contact ercar3@student.monash.edu if you have any questions about this study. More information can be found at the link below http://tinyurl.com/nssisurvey Thank you, Elise N.B. This research request has been approved by the moderating team.
  4. Hello everyone, I've been around this forum for ages, just scoping it out and never posting... Official n00b here. Aside from physical health problems, my craziness has... I don't remember not being crazy. In the sense of kind of always being terribly pessimistic and dark, kind of fed up of this world, I don't know, along with having a sense that somehow everyone's going to hate me already. I kind of am in awe if they don't, though I'm supposedly 'popular'. Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I was a human. I don't think I'm a human, sort of. I look like one, but feel like I don't think like one or really like humans very much. I officially became crazy earlier this year when I realised that all day suicidal thoughts weren't normal (in retrospect, haha). Three months or so of solidly sitting indoors, sleeping weird hours, eating loads, wishing I was dead, sometimes self injuring, made me eventually see a doctor. Finally I got diagnosed with depressive disorder not otherwise specified by a GP. I deferred university but I only have work and exams left so no real reason to go back. I got put on fluoxetine, but it didn't somehow help me much. It also totally wiped me out for a couple of weeks. I am not longer taking it. I saw a psychiatrist once, but she didn't find anything except 'moderate' depression. And maybe brain damage. I thought it was an odd thing to say since I've been tested a lot (physical health stuff) but she must have had something in mind, I suppose. I was advised by a GP not to pursue this line of enquiry unless I didn't mind getting upset (I was kind of upset that it was 'obvious' to her, enough to say that after one hour of meeting me [she didn't actually tell me that to my face, only in letter form]). The psychiatrist told me to take citalopram, but I don't take it. I don't know if I'm keeping myself in this mindset because I'm in the middle of nowhere with no friends. I only talk to my family, more or less. I sometimes drink a lot. I can't feel motivation to do anything. I can still do most of the minimally strenuous things required by my life (no job / no responsibilities / no urgency), but I don't know where the line is. Mostly I feel really bad, my emotions are really reactive and I still sometimes self injure. I think my parents think that psych meds make you fat and slow, but not necessarily better. I don't want to disappoint them, in a way, by taking them. I would like to think that if I got myself here, to this crazy, I can get myself away from it, but in a sense I don't know where it starts and I end, so I don't know if I can do that. In my unprofessional opinion, I think I might have something more, but I'm trusting it will be found, because self diagnosis isn't always a good idea. Sorry for the essay.
  5. Sooo...I just SI'd after about two months free...pssht, I dunno why, just been super agitated lately, could not stop thinking about it. Probably my own fault, all this started for me after I read "Cut" in middle school. Never worked then, but when my physical problems brought on a depression recently, well, it worked. Silly me, after going a while without doing it, on a restless day, I did the stupid thing, went to the bookstore, found "Cut" and started reading...it was only a matter of time...two days actually :/ Now I don't know how I'm gonna face my pdoc Tuesday...I promised him I wouldn't do it, and I made it 2+ months until the agitation and "I don't give a shit" feeling crept in. Oddly enough I don't feel bad about doing it so much as being a dissapointment to my pdoc, like a confirmation of the monster I've felt I has inside. I did it twice...and I want more...I know I shouldn't but I do, I just wanna screw it all and go nuts (not in a suicidal way, but like a binge). What do I do??
  6. Hi, so i'm new to this whole thing but I found this site and thought it might be helpful, I'm 21 yrs old and just recently told my family about the cutting cause I believed that it was time to maybe open up and try to get some help. but ever since I've hated them knowing as it feels like it was for me only to know, like i hate them for knowing even though I went to them for help, haha its kind of confusing and well just wanted to put it out there and couldn't talk to anyone else, so thanks.
  7. Been fighting these urges,I cut 3 weeks ago and was fine but now they've healed and that's when I want to cut again. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but my arm(the only place I cut) literally begins to ache. It will hurt and do this until I either fall asleep or cut again,this makes it extremely hard for the coping mechanisms to work when my arm is aching and screaming at me to cut. It's probably just a mind thing thats making it do this but it hurts and is so distracting that I usually just can't help but to cut. Don't know what to do...my friends are upset with me because I've been cutting when they thought I stopped,and said they don't really have any more advice to try and give me(this coming from my one best friend who used to cut too.)
  8. So I've never done anything like this before.I've only ever confided in one or two of my closest friends,but I've begun to feel like a nuisance and they just get angry with me when I tell them. I've been cutting myself for almost 3 years now,and I've tried to just stop countless time,but the longest I've lasted is maybe 2 months. I have no idea why I do it,but it's become an addiction. I can't stop, and it just seems I never will,no cut will ever be deep enough or good enough to satisfy me. I don't cut deep though,I've never gone to the hospital or gotten stitches,I've had one or two scares,but I just cleaned and wrapped them myself and they were fine the next day. I know I'll hear just hang in there,and you can beat this and such but I just don't know.I just felt the need to share,I can't see a psychiatrist,my mom controls my insurance and would never let me,let alone let me have meds,she's told me when I first told her I was depressed 3 years ago.I've never told her I cut,my family makes fun of cutters,calling us a bunch of emos and thats it's stupid. So if you've read enjoy my ramble,I just wanted to talk.
  9. So I cut myself pretty habitually, some days I don't feel the urge to but I feel like I have to because my scars start to fade and my cutting area (mycalf) doesn't look as bad as usual and I feel as if I have to maintain a certain amount of cuts a day. I feel as if I don't sometimes Im slacking. I feel like a pussy if i dont do it enough or deep enough. Im not as bad as most people I suppose, I only have about 200 cuts. I keep them all so close together and confined though so its hard to tell. Does anybody else feel like they dont do it enough so they start doing it more & more? I cut myself from my depression not to do it don't get me wrong. but im sure you kno what im sayin.
  10. So I have been in therapy a few times a week and have not hurt myself since Saturday which I feel really good about. My doctor made me realize that the combination of a release of emotion and an inadvertent, even subconscious cry for help, was not the way to solve my problems. Now I wont say that I will not have the urge again, because I can't know that for sure, but I am taking it day by day. I am going on vacation to the Bahamas with my mother, a friend and his mother next week. I have come to terms with the fact that my cuts will not be healed by then, so I will need to tell my mom about what is going on. I have always resisted bringing her to appointments with me because I am very private, but I have finally agreed to bring her in. I told her today and she was excited, but she thinks its so my doc can tell her what's been going on in general with meds, dx's, etc. but really I am just bringing her so he can mediate the fact that I have to tell her that I self injure. She is very nosey about my mental health and I know it is because she loves me but I am very resistant to share with her. I am going to feel badly when she comes in to the appointment with me and I drop a bomb on her the day before our vacation, when she just thinks she's getting an update or something. I would really prefer not to tell her at all because she worries a lot and has to take care of my dad already, but I don't have a choice because she will be suspicious if I don't want to wear a bathing suit. So my issue really is that I'm afraid for the appointment when I have to tell her, and I don't know what I'll say and how she will react. She is very supportive so she won't be mad but she will be very upset and definitely shocked. I know she will understand, but she will still be so sad. And then there's the issue of being with my friend and his mother. I will need to explain to them somehow what is going on or they will just speculate something worse. I have thought about just wearing long sleeves the whole time but they know me well enough that even that would seem fishy. I guess I am just hoping someone has any suggestions for how I should handle the appointment with my mother, and further how I should explain my nasty looking arm to my friend and his mother without them being freaked out. I never thought a vacation to the Bahamas would be able to cause me this much stress! Any help greatly appreciated...
  11. I took my daughter to a dance competition this weekend. We got a hotel room with one of her friends, and her friends mom (who is a friend of mine too). She absolutely doesn't know about my SI, but knows about my depression. ANYWAY, after the competition, a large group of us went out to eat. The mothers all sat together, and the girls sat together. This woman who had a scarf on her head sat beside me and my friend. We knew she had some sort of cancer but didn't know what type. Well, she really opened up to us detailing her struggles with ovarian cancer. She said she had a type that could never be cured, but could possibly go into some sort of remission. She was in some sort of trial because of the severity and rarity of her disease. She was so hopeful though...and so bright. I couldnt get over it...and became sadder and more sad because I kept thinking I wish I could have some of that hope. When there was a break in the conversation, I complained how bad my head hurt (after this woman described her death sentence). She was the first one to say how sorry she was I didn't feel well. I felt like a moron. So when we got back to the hotel, I went in the bathroom, locked the door and cut. I just never know what'll trigger. Sigh. Thanks for reading.
  12. Ok, so I need help. I've had this problem off and on for about 6 years, and, though it doesn't happen often, it freaks me out every time. I've been an SI for a long time (I know, I'm working on it,) but I very rarely do it as a concious decision. Things get bad and I feel this really heavy weight in my stomach/chest, and then things get cloudy. When I "come to" (for lack of a better description,) I'll have either burned something (notes, pictures, things that i've saved for whatever reason that are often related to whatever my "breakdown" was about,) or i'll find myself wiping up the blood from my SI, with no cognative memory of ever having done anything. I've read about various dissociative disorders, but i'm still not sure if this applies to that. I can't really think of what else it might be, so is there anybody here who might be able to shed some light? I've been on the lower end of middle class most of my life, so I can't really afford pricy doctor visits and psychiatric evaluation. More than anything, I'm just trying to figure out a general idea of my problems before I start hunting for a shrink. I was diagnosed Manic Depressive about three years ago, but haven't told anyone about the depth of my issues. I'm sure this ties into that, but is there more to this than I already know? Thanks for your insight.
  13. I've been on a downward slid for the last two weeks. I've been desperate to SI. But I've been good. I've picked up the box of blades at the store and thought about it but I've put the box down and walked away. But everything about this day has brought out the failure in me. So tonight after he has fallen asleep I'm going to leave and get some blades. He'll be pissed at me tomorrow, but he's been pissed at me for the last seven days so who cares, I'll deal. And by deal I mean SI and crying myself to sleep.
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