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Found 25 results

  2. My christmas was okay. I survived it. I do well when the food is rolling in and the drinks are flowing. Saves me from having to make idle chit-chat. Went to one family gathering and I ended up getting the shakes (I have essential tremor of the head and neck) and nerves. My seat was in the corner in front of family I rarely see. I ended up swallowing 2 ativan, and some pepto-bizmal and swallowed my pride and survived. we were being forced to socialize and it was painful. Anyone want to share?
  3. Hi everyone! I'm huntforbravery. I've got social phobia and it's been kicking my ass lately. I thought joining a community might help me to talk some of it through. Not to mention I'll get to meet new people through the comfort of anonymity . I just graduated from school and am on the job hunt. I spend a lot of time binging TV and blogging. I try and get out of the house and be social when I can. My anxiety can make it hard, though, especially with things like networking events that I can't get out of. Thankfully, I have a good support network who help me through the worst of it. It's nice to meet you all.
  4. I didn't realize I posted this in the wrong place the first time. oops. I'm not used to forums. So, I've sorted through a lot of the 'issues' I've had with how I was thinking before and I think I have a handle on how to live a content life or at least function. I have social anxiety and depression. I learned how to retrain my way of thinking if that makes sense, so I am hopeful. The thing is, if I have any shade of a doubt about whether I am right or wrong about something than I know the paranoia will just come back later. Getting to the point. I am occasionally paranoid that people can hear my thoughts. The theory is that the majority of people know about it. maybe everybody can do it, maybe not. Maybe it doesn't happen all of the time, maybe they only hear when they are listening in. They talk about it when they think I can't hear them, or when they think they are being discreet enough that someone as dumb as me won't know what they are talking about. They won't admit to it because it is better if I don't know, like if I do then it will make me feel too self conscious, only make me feel worse and it won't help me any. I do feel like I have evidence of it when I replay some older memories, but I also am rational enough to look for other explanations for the memories, but I don't feel convinced enough that I can let it go. I know I should see a doctor, but I don't have medical insurance. so far visiting forums and chatting with people who can relate has helped, so I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the subject.
  5. So, I've sorted through a lot of the 'issues' I've had with how I was thinking before and I think I have a handle on how to live a content life or at least function. I have social anxiety and depression. I learned how to retrain my way of thinking if that makes sense, so I am hopeful. The thing is, if I have any shade of a doubt about whether I am right or wrong about something than I know the paranoia will just come back later. Getting to the point. I am occasionally paranoid that people can hear my thoughts. The theory is that the majority of people know about it. maybe everybody can do it, maybe not. Maybe it doesn't happen all of the time, maybe they only hear when they are listening in. They talk about it when they think I can't hear them, or when they think they are being discreet enough that someone as dumb as me won't know what they are talking about. They won't admit to it because it is better if I don't know, like if I do then it will make me feel too self conscious, only make me feel worse and it won't help me any. I do feel like I have evidence of it when I replay some older memories, but I also am rational enough to look for other explanations for the memories, but I don't feel convinced enough that I can let it go. I know I should see a doctor, but I don't have medical insurance. so far visiting forums and chatting with people who can relate has helped, so I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the subject.
  6. My anxiety for the last two days has been rather high, but nothing really unmanageable until i think about going outside. I don't have agoraphobia but going outside is still a stressful event for me that cycles until i get back home. However these last two days even just going to the end of my driveway has been a terror and has increased my depression just because i feel so guilty about how scared i am. Usually i would wait until i feel a little better but i really need to go into town and buy a few things; does anyone have some tips that really help them stay calm when they get out of the house?
  7. Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone else feels their social phobia has at least some element of anti-socialness about it? My social anxiety has been quite bad at times, to the point where I never went outside for quite a while. But over the years I have become more comfortable speaking to people and I can function day-2-day and manage tasks like grocery shopping, albeit with some anxiety. The thing is I do wonder sometimes if it is really my anxiety that keeps me isolated or if I am just antisocial in some way. Sometimes I literally just want people to f*ck off out of my way, often times I'm just not interested in their inane chit-chat and small talk. I have a very large personal space bubble and I physically and mentally cringe when someone sits next to me in a lecture or waiting room or whatever. I struggle to engage in normal small talk with acquaintances like "hello, how are you..." , because I simply don't care. On the other hand I can form meaningful relationships and have indepth conversations with certain people who I feel safe with and have some respect for. Is is weird? Is it part of social anxiety?
  8. This is my second post. So again, bear with me. I have some issues with substance abuse, depression, and just about every type of anxiety disorder you can find in the DSMs. With my "addictive personality," Adderall has become a drug that I just can't get enough of. I've been taking it for over a year and have come to a conclusion that if I keep taking it, things will only get worse than they are now. I don't have a job and live with my parents. I'm a part-time student and only take a couple courses per semester. It's been years since I held an official job. At first, I thought that Adderall was enhancing my performance--in everything, but that couldn't be further from the truth. The most I've gotten out of it are As in my classes and repetitive artwork that seems to be getting "bland" over time. After a ton of obsessive research, I concluded that mirtazapine might be the key to curing my anxiety and depression, help me gain weight, and quit Adderall. I don't want to get into pharmacology of the combination of Adderall and mirtazapine, because I'm way, way too tired. Anyway, my doctor agreed with me that mirtazapine may be a fantastic option to cure all of what I've stated above. I was prescribed 15 milligrams to take nightly. The first night I was out cold, and the next day wasn't too bad at all. The second day (today) however, I'm cranky, impatient, exhausted, and guilty for not doing anything with my life. I know I want to give this medication a fair shot, but I'm one of those people that read up way too much on other's experiences with medication. The positives so far are that I'm not craving Adderall as much as I usually do, and clonazepam (which I forgot to note) isn't really needed either. Still, with this lethargy there is absolutely no way I could hold a job or even continue in school. All in all, I want to know if anyone can relate, especially if they have been on Adderall and mirtazapine simultaneously. Also, has anyone quit Adderall cold-turkey from a 40mg dose (or over)? If so, how long did it take to get your mental and physical energy back. I have the rest of summer to solve this, but as all people that take pharmacueticals know, seeing a doctor/psychiatrist every two weeks and continued trial-and-error fails takes so much time, money and stress. Thanks.
  9. Hi, Has anyone taken buspar (generic) for social phobia and social anxiety? I've only been taking it for 1.5 weeks. I take 5 mg, three times/day (the lowest dose). Some of the side effects are bothersome, but I don't respond well to a lot of psychiatric meds, so that's nothing new for me. Do the side effects pass after a month or so? The side effects can be brutal at times. I was told by my doc I can go on a lower dose or go off it, but I want to give it the full 1-2 month trial at a therapeutic dose. Thank You, Shana
  10. Over the last month or so, I've been turning to you guys at Crazyboards to seek some common ground, as I sure don't feel it where I'm at. I'm 32, live in a major city w/ my boyfriend, and my sincerest hope is to be able to save up enough money to move out of state for graduate school. By trade I'm a fairly disappointing legal secretary, where I'm daily treated like dirt by my coworkers no matter how hard I try to do my best. This is what happens when you have nothing but work-study office work experience to put on a resume as an undergrad. Nevermind how mindnumbingly bored I was after day one, I should be "lucky" I have a job in this economic climate...hey it's just a paycheck and benefits I tell myself. It takes all the willpower I've got just to get out of bed every morning because I know I'm headed for a day of nonstop ridicule. Moving on... Anyway, since age 20 or so I experienced mood swings. At first, I thought I had a borderline personality. I fit pretty much all the criteria, especially fear of abandonment, moods that changed at the drop of a hat (never positive, mind you), and my relationships - friend or significant other- were all so very messed up. It wasn't until a particularly bad breakup at age 26 that everything came to a head. I attempted suicide with booze and pills in a bathtub (my favorite place to be) and not only did I lose my shot at rekindling the relationship with that guy, but I lost pretty much all my friends. Two years ago, I lost another "best friend" after I started dating a mutual friend. The first time around was understandable - I was chewing this girl's ear off about my ex and she couldn't take it. Or, more likely, her new boyfriend was scared of me. One day, I came home shaking from every negative feeling known to man. I took a nearby wineglass and smashed it against the counter. She moved out not long after without a word. This latest time, however, I know I didn't deserve to be dropped. She claimed I was a "bad friend," which translated roughly to "You have a boyfriend and I don't, and I can't be happy for you, so I"m giving you the kiss-off." Nevermind I dropped everything to be with her while her mother was dying in the hospital, was with her the moment she died, and took days off from work to be at her wake and funeral. Nope, my boyfriend and I were just bad people apparently. I'm quite sure the only thing I did wrong was back out on meeting her at a cheap restaurant because I was feeling sick. With an autoimmune disease flare-up. Again, moving on... The title of my post is exactly that. I am doing my best to get some help again. It turns out that I did not have BPD as originally thought. Up until a couple months after my suicide attempt, I had only ever been prescribed antidepressants. Effexor had been the one to do me in. It's truly the devil. After 4 months of being on it, I started having intense nightmares - semi trucks falling from the sky like rain...killer tornadoes...pestilence. In my ignorance, I thought it was a mere side effect of the drug. I developed a terribly short fuse, hurling both insults and items such as my jewelry box at the wall in my dorm room. My friends at the time were in my roommate's room (our rooms were connected by a bathroom), and they were terrified. Of me - the person most likely to be terrified of other people. I never knew at the time that these rage outbursts were my first instances of true mania. I assumed it was BPD, a) because the mood switches were within hours and b) there was (to my knowledge) no bipolar disorder running in my family. No diagnosed bipolar disorder, that is. Now I know otherwise. In 2011, the same year I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Sjogren's syndrome, I went for psychological testing to see if I had attention deficit disorder. I had a lot of memory problems that was making work much more difficult that it really was (aside from my inability to socialize), and I also wanted to see if I had dyscalcula since I was so horrendous at math. After over 10 hours of testing, a neuropsychologist diagnosed me with Bipolar I and Paranoid Personality Disorder, the latter of which I denied - if anything, I had an avoidant personality. I can't look anyone in the eye, I refuse to answer the door or leave my bedroom wherever I live, you know the drill. Fear of rejection after years of being rejected/bullied as a child. Had a secret to carry since I was 3 years old, also making me not trust anyone. So I guess I was pretty much always a weirdo in everyone else's eyes. My 300 question personality indicator survey pointed the doctor in the direction of BP I as opposed to II since my answers had been "extreme," although the last time I received treatment they told me I had BP II because I seemed to have more hypomanias and depression. My main "problem areas" include overspending, taking on too many projects, not wanting to go to sleep EVER, and executive dysfunction. In terms of that, it surprised me to learn I had a slow reading disorder (I'm an English major and now a part time writer and editor, so Ii LOVE to read) but was average in math. I qualified for extra time on my GRE exam, but I for some reason decided I didn't need to take it. Apparently the test results are only good for a year. It was 10 hours of testing and I paid approximately $500 for the whole thing. So now I do need to take the GRE's and will have to either study my ass off to do well or be tested all over again. I've had various things happen, usually involving $$$, that made me put getting treatment on the backburner. Having crappy teeth is par for the course when you have Sjogren's, so most of it went to that. I also have chronic back pain, knee pain, and arthritis due to my autoimmune disorder. I originally was on Wellbutrin and Lamictal. Then I switched to a world renowed bipolar specialist who only ever prescribed lithium. Lithium, while I felt it had worked to reduce my hypomanias, did very little for my depressions and made all the physical symptoms from my Sjogren's like dryness and joint pain, worse. Not to mention, it increased my acne. No, thanks. I briefly tried Abilify and it made me nauseous and made my eyes extremely sensitive to light. II'm hoping to find a new pdoc soon because my relationships (what's left of them) are all starting to deteriorate. If I lose my boyfriend, who is also my best friend (and I his), my world will basically collapse. I'm so grateful for his understanding...and his appreciation of my weirdness. But he knows my moods are swinging more and more out of control as the days go by. A few days ago, I went to hopped in the shower and started singing, dancing, doing push-ups while in the shower...came back to my room and wanted to have a dance party. My boyfriend yawned and said, "Oh no, here she goes again..." It's not all fun, though. I'm very snappish. We rented a room with a Nepalese family just to save money before our big move a couple months ago, and needless to say, it's been one big nightmare. They move my stuff around a lot, which I really can't stand because my last roommate stole from me constantly. Instead of politely explain how my olive oil that I swore I bought went missing, I ended up making the guy think I was accusing him or his family of stealing (entirely possible, since someone took a slice of our pizza without asking. No we label everything). That was over a month ago, and now no one except the roommate who isn't related to them, will talk to me. I feel like I have done this a lot in my life. My extreme social anxiety, fueled by paranoia and irritable hypomania, ruins my conversational skills. And they were never great to begin with. I really don't want to be like this forever, so I'm willing to make the necessary changes. I would give anything just to give the appearance of being normal, even if I never could be. Thanks for reading. Misfit Love
  11. Probably a stupid question. I've never had any direction career-wise. Other people look at their skills and interests to figure out what jobs/careers are right for them, but I've never been able to come up with a single idea. As far as I am concerned, I have no skills... And, strangely, I don't have any real interests. I have racked my brains for years but no job seems right for me at all. The only thing I know is mental illness.... I've had severe social phobia (possibly bordering on agoraphobia) for years, plus depression, generalized anxiety, and a little OCD. Actually I started out with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which I'm fairly sure I still have. My self-esteem is non-existent; minus zero. I'm in a constant battle with myself. I know how all of it feels, because I've been there. So, I was wondering if maybe my career is staring me in the face? Maybe I should help other girls with poor body image and social anxiety? Could I even do that? I mean, I've got a hell of a long way to go. I'm in CBT, and I still struggle leaving my home. Could I ever be well enough to help others? I know there are lots of different ways someone can work in mental health, so I'm not sure what would be "right" for me, if anything. I live in the UK.
  12. I'm sorry if this has already been posted by others. Lately I've been noticing that I'm actually afraid to change my behaviour, because I'm worried people wouldn't like who I turn into, and things would somehow get worse. I want to feel attractive, sexy, happy, hopeful, confident, etc. All of these are completely normal and people are expected to feel that way about themselves. But, I'm scared that people have gotten used to me the way I am, and that all of these things would change me so much that I become a whole other person. I would LOVE to feel like a brand new person, but what about my family and friends? If I felt attractive, sexy, and like a grown woman rather than a little girl, I'm afraid that my parents - who I still live with - would sense it, and would think I'm out to have sex. Frankly I'd love to be having sex, but it would be really embarrassing if my parents thought I was, or was capable of it. At the moment I'm almost completely sexless, like a little girl. I'm not a virgin, but I act like a child. I FEEL like a child. Which is probably the way my parents want it. I doubt any of that made sense to you! My friends are very shy, awkward, and have problems similar to my own. I think we are all introverts, and we all like rather childish things. I feel almost trapped by the childishness, and I'm desperate to feel more grown up... but my friends are stuck in the in-between from childhood to adulthood, too. I'm scared that if I were to act more mature, they wouldn't know what to do with me. That they wouldn't like me or be able to relate to me anymore. I've tried talking to them about my feelings of self-hatred and that I feel like I need to make a BIG change to myself, but... I'm not sure how they'd react if I did. When I told them, we were all being honest about our own fears and feelings. We pretty much just listened to eachother and looked at eachother. And fidgeted. I love my friends, but it feels really awkward with them. I don't know if that's just because we all have problems... it probably is. But I feel quite... reserved with them. And that really bugs me. Of course, I'm not only afraid to change because of what other people may think. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to keep it up, that I'd be fake, that I'd just be lying to myself and others about who I am. I'm scared to feel sexy and attractive because then I might want to have intimate relationships. And that would make me feel very, very lonely. I also have this strange belief that I must act the way I look. I feel ugly, so I can't behave as if I were pretty. I look like a kid, so I can't act like a woman. Etc. Thank you for reading my thread!
  13. I have experienced Depersonalization in the past with its typical symptoms. The thing now, is that I have noticed that one of my triggers is social interactions. When I am alone I usually don´t experience depersonalization, but everytime I try to socialize with new people I experience severe depersonalization the first minutes and then it goes away. Why does this happen? Do you also get depersonalization in social situations? If not is there something specific that triggers your depersonalization or it happens with no trigger? What is the relationship between depersonalization and social phobia? which one comes first?
  14. Hi everyone I'm an expat who moved abroad to live with my partner and I would describe my situation as "failure to thrive." I've had depression in the past as well as anxiety. I used eating disorders to cope for many years. I just started some treatment for my anxiety (beta blockers), but it's not yet touched my depression. There is a lot of self-loathing happening. I am homesick and not getting out much because I am unemployed (although I do volunteer and work on a casual basis). When I moved here a few years ago, I had just graduated with the top of my class, was freshly married, and things were looking up. However, I was so stressed from it all that I kind of collapsed into a depressed state. I had a few temp jobs and applied and applied for many jobs, but never did find anything permanent. It really crushed my confidence and now I let the fear of rejection and fear of being labeled a failure cripple my job search. I'm feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool of being motivated for a job search, knowing that I'd be a great employee with even a modicum of support, and then a crash back to being paralyzed when I know I won't even get a chance. I'm fairly isolated and have only made a couple of friends here and I'm just sick my predicament. I'm hoping that I will find (and give back) the support here of like-minded individuals who are looking to affect positive change in their lives. Thanks for reading.
  15. Hi, I've had panic disorder since childhood (I'm 62). I also have some bpd crap mixed with depression, sprinkled with a host of other stuff. Let's see.....oh yeah, I've had 3 psych hospital stays. I'm currently retired and continue to muddle through life. Oh, also I'm gay which went over really well in the '60s. Anything to help the old self esteem, right?
  16. Hi! So I guess I'll just post what's relevant to this forum for now, and I apologize in advance for any long-windedness. I just turned eighteen yesterday, and "crazy" has pretty much always been a part of my life. My dad has Crohn's disease which rendered his bipolar medication near useless, so it turned into schizo-effective disorder. My mom may or may not have a history of mental issues, but it doesn't matter because they don't believe in mental disorders in the first place. They are, however, highly susceptible to addiction. Mostly alcohol. Mom is a (hopefully recovering) alcoholic, also addicted to pain meds. Grandma is getting older and takes Ativan as she needs it. My sister just recently started therapy, and it turns out we have a lot of the same issues, or at least major depression on both our parts. So yeah. "Crazy" seems to be a family trait. My crazy started when I was in middle school, but it didn't get bad until this past April; I had to withdraw from my college because of my depression, then was hospitalized because I'd been making passive suicide attempts, at which point it was decided that depression wasn't my biggest issue so much as severe generalized anxiety (which may or may not have recently materialized into panic attacks. I'm not sure). I also have a social phobia, but we haven't addressed that in therapy yet. =/ Sorry if this is too long for the intro forum. My dad spent my birthday in the ER, and I'm having some major anxiety issues right now.
  17. I hate having to do this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong - I appreciate the introductions that everyone else makes and I completely understand the need for these but as someone who suffers from Social Phobia, this is not my favorite thing to do. I hate the period of time after I have posted something like this because I can't escape the second-guessing. Did I say too much or not enough? Did I come across as too negative or too smartass? Did I spell (insert word) correctly? Ugh. It is exhausting being neurotic. Anyway, here goes... I am a 40 year old female that has a big basket of diagnoses. As I mentioned, Social Phobia is one. I also have PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder. I am a survivor of severe physical and emotional abuse from my childhood at the hands of my mother. Saying that I tend to isolate is... well... is a ridiculous understatement. That is why I joined - to try to connect with some people that may understand what I go through. I am looking forward to checking out more of the forums and I aim to keep my promise to myself to try. I have to try, right? Right. I am right about that, right?
  18. Just wanted to introduce myself. I picked my name because it's something I used to say to my mother all the time and it drove her nuts! (so to speak). She hated it. My main ailment is ADD, primarily innatentive which I think they should rename to something like Diffused Attention Syndrom because I don't ever feel like I'm not paying attention (ok, sometimes I know that I'm spacing out) and I notice ALL KINDS OF THINGS that other people don't even realize are happening... so I feel like I pay a freakin LOT of attention, just not always to what YOU want me too. Even when I am paying attention to what I'm "supposed to" I still notice and see a lot MORE than most people seem to. I also have anxiety not otherwise specified... so bland! I said to the therapist- "Can't you give me something better?" OCD in the form of hoarding... but I also do things like pick at my legs and pull my eyelashes out and have obsessive thoughts (like sometimes-rarely anymore- I obsessively think about running my finger over the edge of a piece of broken glass... I don't want to do it nor do I feel compelled to do it, but I can't get the image out of my mind) My mother was diagnosed with "Manic Depression" which we know know as "Bipolar Disorder"... my therapist said that I could possibly have cyclothymia (a mild form of bipolar) and I think it's very likely but we never got far enough to diagnose it properly. I have delt with depression bunches. I have some social phobias, but they are much better now and I really love people and being in social situations, but it can be difficult at times. In school I was "painfully shy" and terrified of rejection. Like I said, nowdays I'm much better. I have allergies and asthma... but what does this have to do with being crazy? (looking at the various boards) I am a big time procrastinator, probably related to stress and ADD and whatever... I'm not really a self injurer but I can relate in some ways....... And finally I am very interested in psychology, esp. abnormal pscych and "crazy people" in general. And I'm a lefty... not that that matters! I guess that probably covers it.
  19. From the album: Caffeinated Creativity

    © discomposed

  20. From the album: Caffeinated Creativity

    Meeting new people is [i]never[/i] fun.

    © discomposed

  21. discomposed

    oh crap

    From the album: Caffeinated Creativity

    © discomposed

  22. Hey there. I'm a 22 year old female borderline (as I suspect) and social phobic. I've been treated for bulimia, substance abuse, and bipolar (I'm a college psych major and I've done a lot of research trying to figure myself out, but my psychiatrist did not listen to me when I tried to tell her my mood swings were too quick for bipolar). I started having binge eating issues when I was about 12, which progressed to more emotional issues, bulimia, alcohol and drug use... it's not a fun life. I left my last psychiatrist because (like I said before) she would not listen to me and seemed extremely apathetic and irritated with me all the time (I don't really blame her, I feel the same). It seemed silly to keep spending so much money to get help from someone like that. I still live with my mom, who can't stand me because I'm so moody. But I can't afford to move out because I spend too much on booze and drugs... I've had the same job for 4 years, and a really cool dog who's my best friend. Those are about the only things I have going for me. I have no friends outside of the people I talk to at work and at class, a few ex boyfriends I occasionally hookup with, and the people who I buy drugs from (some of those people overlap). I escape in music and drugs. I've been known to self-injure or threaten suicide when things get really bad. I guess that's all. I'm not really a bad person, I'm just looking for some support and advice. I don't know where else to go.
  23. Hi, my name is Steve (anenome), and I suffer from many many many things. Have all my life. Been there, done that. I've tried every shrink; psychotherapist; social worker; as well as every chatroom (most useless); every med...anti-psychotics; anti-depressants; mood stabilizers; uppers; downers; hypnotics; hallucinegentics; alcohol; sedatives; anti-anxieties;...you name it, and very few have worked. It has gotten to the point (and I just came across your site a couple days ago), that if this doesn't work...I'm fucked. At this point, I could use a few people who think they have alternatives (other than death), as well, the only thing keeping me going at this point is helping others...it helps me feel better about myself when I can help someone else. I have no ego, no nothing...in fact, I have hit a point of anhedonia that has even scared the last few shrinks I went to turn me down...literally. The last two I saw said my conditions are 'so acute', I am in need of a specialist...not a behavioral clinic or stress center etc. I'm talking donating my brain/body to science it's that bad. So, as you can see, I have absolutely no help...no friends, no relatives, no nothing to turn to (I'm on disability and medicaid, but medicaid is turning down...giving me a spend down next month Jan. 2012 that I cannot possibly meet, so I won't be able to afford even one or two of the 13 different meds I take daily...some several tmes a day. I'm fucked. So, talk to me please, I could use some good conversation, and should you have an option I haven't tried, tell me about it. If you need help and advice...please tell me...I'm a good listener and have MUCH experience with many things, and besides, it will give me a chance to take a break worrying about my situation. So please, I've been in total isolation/seclusion/agoraphobia for years and CANNOT just go outside and deal with people. This is going to have to be a major step-by-step process for me. Drop me a line if you are interested. My email is: [edited to remove private information - please send PMs] P.S. NO RELIGIOUS BIBLE-THUMPERS ALLOWED! NO PREACHING!! I'VE STUDIED THEOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY, ETC. ALL OF MY LIFE. YOU CANNOT CONVERT ME!!! I don't mind if you have your own beliefs that get you by, in fact, I would by intrigued by that. But don't push your ideas on me. That is all I ask. Thank you and hope to hear from you soon. Steve (anenome)
  24. So, I'm new to the site and was told that there are a combination of people..i.e. assholes; inconsiderates; helpful; empathetic, etc. etc. I haven't read or talked enough to make a judgement. However, I did come across a post today, it said something like: fuck it, I don't remember, but it hit a nerve. My point is, I have been in hiding for a long long time. I am very sick mentally and physically. I am not suicidal, however, I DO 'will' myself to death every night, and I have enough narcotics to kill a busload. Each and every day, besides 'willing' myself to death, I wonder if I've just done what I can here on earth and it's time for me to go. So yes, there are times I contemplate eating a shitload of meds and not wake up. But I chose not to. I'm not religious, I don't believe in anything...I followed Buddhism for decades, but I don't have what it takes to survive anymore. I have been in total isolation for at least a decade as well as severe clinical depression. I can't walk out the front door. I got rid of my phone out of paranoia. I am not asking for advise, preaching, etc. All I am looking for, now that I am snapping out of this decade long depression etc., is someone to talk to. Someone I can trust. And I don't mean constant complaining, what I mean is just conversation. If, with our disorders we can occasionally listen or advise, great, if it means just bullshitting about anything...music, movies, politics, whatever...that is fine too. I just need someone who understands where I come from and is willing to be a friend online... If there is just one person out there who is lookfing for the same, please respond. If not, don't respond. Love you all!!! Steve (anenome)
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