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  • Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
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  1. It's not fair. It's not fair that my situation isn't fair...ugh. Life isn't fair. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?! I'M GOING TO THE PUB - dammit, I can't drink! Wait, that's an idiom. Or is it a metaphor? Shit, now I have a headache. Life isn't fair, but that doesn't give people the right to be assholes. And yet there are assholes everywhere I turn. Corruption, hypocrisy, deception, denial, manipulation, crime, the list goes on. These very wrong, very unfair acts don't bother them. My family, my neighbors, most of my entire neighborhood, the city council, and that's just in my little city! HULK SMASH! I've recently figured out unfairness is at least one cause of my GAD and anger problems. By unfairness, I don't mean yelling "that's not fair!" to your parents for grounding you all weekend as punishment for the viral YouTube video of you feeding your toddler brother worms and telling him they're noodles. I never did that, but I got grounded a lot for pointing out my parents were criticizing me about behavior they also exhibited and did nothing to fix. When you're five and know what hypocrisy is and have no qualms about telling it like it is...ugh. I wished I'd learned to shut up earlier. Would have given me a few more years before I had to start meds. Learning to shut up without meds would have saved me the trouble of groveling to a Lenin-Stalin fangirl sociology professor so she wouldn't report me to the dean and push for my expulsion after I pointed out very bluntly that Lenin's revolution involved murdering a bunch of people just because they were rich, and Stalin also murdered a bunch of people and partnered with the Allies only when Hitler threatened the Soviet Union. So, I'm talking about social problems outside your control that are inherently unfair across society, from family all the way to the entire Earth. Things people around you can just shrug off and say, "that's just the way it is," while you shake inside because you don't want to live on this horrible planet with horrible people you can't change. Does this sound familiar?
  2. Dear Mom, One thing it seems to me that people in general are particularly deaf about is the statement, "I have no money." In my experience, the only people who truly understand this are other people who have been homeless and the DMH [Department of Mental Health] caseworkers. Maybe some therapists. Mark, the millionaire many times over, also seemed, oddly, to understand. To everyone else, "I have no money" seems to mean "I'm low on money," or "I'm feeling a financial pinch," or "I'm awfully strapped for money." I don't mean that. I mean I HAVE NO MONEY. There is no money in an account I have access to. There is no money in my wallet. There are no bills under my mattress. There is No. Fucking. Money. It REALLY pissed me off yesterday when the allergist said, "You don't need a prescription for the allergy covers." Uhh, yeah, big deal. I need a prescription to get Medicaid to PAY for them. That's why I told the receptionist, "The only way for me to get the allergy covers is for me to go to Target and steal them." People do this sort of thing all the time. I was talking to the lady who was going to schedule the interview. She started to give me instructions about parking--people do this all the time. I interrupted her and said, "I don't have a car." Oh! she said, slightly taken aback. Because who, in America, doesn't have A CAR? Adam Lastname used to do exactly the same thing. Bob used to do exactly the same thing. Gabriel just evinced that he does the same thing. Betty? She was so stone deaf about it I ended my friendship over her deafness. Susan and John? I think they live in some sort of hallucinatory world where somehow my once having money, or my once being able to get a job to make money, somehow translates into a present where I do have money. It's the Susan and John causality time-warp. When I used to borrow money from people, something Adam Lastname was always recommending, and they start asking me all these QUESTIONS, I have to somehow keep from shrieking: "I have no money! Don't you think I THOUGHT of X, and Y, and Z? Don't you think it OCCURRED to me that I might try P, and D, and Q? Short of selling my body on the street corner, which would be awfully hard given my relatively chunky state, I HAVE NO MONEY! I HAVE NO PROSPECT OF GETTING ANY MONEY (until January 1). It's not a prospect of having MORE money, or SOME EXTRA money, or A LITTLE MAD money, or a TIP, or a "MAYBE THIS WILL HELP OUT A LITTLE"--it's the FACT, the present, stark, true, undeniable, incontrovertible FACT, OF HAVING NO MONEY!" That's why, in order to try to take some advantage of Gabriel's "present," I had to steal coffee filters from Walgreens. I suppose I could have gone to a public bathroom somewhere and taken a whole lot of paper towels and used them for coffee filters. But that is the sort of completely-without-dignity behavior I had to engage in when I was homeless, and I'd rather throw the fucking coffee away then be reduced to doing that. I am not asking you for money. I have food stamps and will be able to survive. I'm just venting about deafness in general.
  3. Maybe I discribe "Breaif REactive Psychosis" - was wondering if there was an acknowledgement of psychosis as a symptom or effect of Post Traumatic Stress or whether periods of having flashbacks and periods of contempation to the nature of the self in present and recollecting vast amounts of information of what I had blocked out of my consciousness in times my life had been in danger, near miss's with death etc. After a period of several years out of the loop for psychiatry and family putting me in the bin for changes in my personality in relation to creative ideas, long nights playing the guitar reading books etc. I had begun to use yoga and may have had a false enlightenment. I opened up with cue's about the nature of spiritual reality and being in tune with nature as I have done as a child. The death of a cousin and adjustment disorder for stress threshold at university I began learning meta-physical truths in the philosophy of science. I had somewhat had a premonition and opening of the senses accompanied by flooding of ideas in relation to astrophysics class, but desired a new outlook to favor the humanities from my Engineering degree. The trick part is that when I moved house 2 and a half years ago I had a few psycho-stressors including witnessing and trying to catch a man going into seizure at a train crossing which seemed to disturb me yet had claivoyant experience leading to the arrival of a newspaper with a job advertised looking for night shift workers which i sore as ideal-didn;t get the job. I had intrusive rumanitions in identifying with the man having a seizure and remembering conversation with my dead sister. Had a rude bus driver which challenged my nerves and ability to block out negative energies from people, I would diplomacy as part of an unrelated matter. however I would later go into recollecting the events and practicing scenarios to deal with the situation in the future. I had flashbacks of having my life threatened in a near head-on collision with a truck on a country freeway, I had less to drink yet not chosen to drive on the occasion. we cut off a family and caravan which I heard reports that it had killed them, not that I could remember anything from moments after everyone in the car realized what had happened like I went into a dissociative trance.. I remembered more recently vividly that I had grabbed the wheel as the driver froze moments befor impact [i heard perhaps with acuite sense of hearring over conversations at work that the driver of the truck had not fought to conclude that another vehicle was involved in the crash I'm not sure how I stand over this being injustice that drink drivers got away with causing an accident. This I remembered in my most recent pre-hospital admission getting used to my new place and feeling like I might be loosing it. Negative internal triggers regarding family crisis and the stress I was under as a developing sensitive human being for what was considered a relapse from previous family episodes to points of reference made during sleep deprivation and depression regarding memories of times and trauma's associated to my psychiatric history . And family resentments in those times and symptoms I presented that related to traumatic incident that I had blanked out to it having any significance at the time. Sorry this is more difficult then some would understand in describing my entire history to the present. I spent days and nights recalling the details and what we should have done differently and sympathy for the dead family I had remembered, I imagined that I got out of the car, maybe we could have helped. doesn't help that the incident has gone unregistered as the cars involvement indicates a kind of cover-up-- It provoked fantasy and astral dreams about time travel and the use of evil which I had a sensitivity to, panic attacks about percieved happenings and threats to the life of family or relationship to ex-girlfriend to which I felt i held a karmic responsability to as I had fortold a future or potential happening, like the fact that I had a panic reaction previous to the idea I perhap deludedly thought it was real enough to be getting worked up about. - Like I also have flashbacks to the time I was first introduced to using anti-psychotics by a family member, and doctors didnt understand my spiritual perception opening up with sleep deprivation and emotional breakdown regarding a suicide in the family. Wiht significance to resentment of family given my self-reflection of destiny and my potentials being blocked for long periods of time on Anti-psychotics. In my near present transition from moving house to going into hospital and treated for schizoaffective. I desired to talk to my family in the distress and that just triggered more problems with emotional reactivity to inhospitable social interaction with my family that corresponds to the times I've had threats on my life I've been submitted to psychiatry *I had a near death experience on Acu-phase {however it is spelt= zuclopanthixol fast acting antipsychotic} I nearly would have died, was lectured by a psych-nurse going into it, and only barely got the medical attention i needed by going to the nurses station trying to make a choking sign as my tongue was quickly going down my neck- I remembered treatment and stages I was considered unconsciousness, and being at one pint declared dead as my pulse was so feighnt. {there is a multitude of life memory that I have been subjected to with intrusive rumanitions about them, effecting my moods etc, and content of creative visualisations, like I treat factors and near death experiences with a certain importance to me spiritually that nobody could possible understand. There was another time I remembered recently of being hung in a noose and left to die that I got myself down from} blanked that out as a joke, yet it sat differently in my mind upon flashback as a life threatening situation which I handled by treating it as a joke and drinking bear -funny my psychotic symptoms were fear that someone could be after me [like the guy involved that his sister told me he'd gone to jail], feeling llike I had a noose around my neck which I correlated at the time as having significance to my dead cousin who tragically hung herself. Social disfunction and history of them putting me in psych lock up is tricky to deal with in a stage the current antipsychotics do away with periods of remembering all the information and threats to integrity of the self that has lead to my current situation in life that I see to be deficient to the hands of the effects of depleted dopamine function for my optimal performance and motor skills to practice my therapuetical arts. I have the flashbacks of the most trivial things which serve in making adjustments to my personality and destiny functioning, some leave me full of resent I would play out scenarios with negative influences of my life, and self assessed changes in my personality from what could be described as telepathic in nature, or going into meditation and mindfullness of energetic influences. I've also had the awareness that my altered states of consciousness were brief and identifiable with my knowledge of the mind-body connection I argued throughout my history before learning chi-gong to overcome any form of neurosis and heal the body, like learning inner alchemy gives one a stronger awareness of the actual functioning of the consciousness when considered Psychotic by Professionals. Rather my perspective gives the illusion of bias toward being seen as having graduer delusions My psychotic state were directly triggered by a definable stress that needed to be dealt with, I didn't find the psychiatric intervention at all in a greater perspective to the overall functioning of my life to be helpfull in the slightest.
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