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Hey I am new. Long-time eating disorder sufferer. Started with anorexia and morphed into bulimia, then went to drugs, then went back to EDs, then went orthorexic/exercise bulimic. Went to treatment for the second time a couple years ago and have a treatment team. Noticed that once I started working hard on my ED, I was spending like crazy. Also was on Rexulti at that time. Spending comes and goes but gets bad when my eating gets better. Drives me nuts! Brain needs the rush. Feel like I can't escape. I hate spending, but drugs and bulimia seem worse? Anyone else struggle with this?
I think you have bipolar of any type & have experienced mania or hypomania, you can relate to this... The wreckage of what you did while you were manic or hypomanic. While I was not full blown manic, i was pretty hypomanic for the last two weeks & a comment made by a well meaning friend, really upset me. She, if anything, understands bipolar very well as she has two immediate family members who are bipolar, plus me. We were discussing my new meds, and she said to me, "Yeah, last week you talked to me 20 minutes without taking a breath. I am glad you are getting help." Thing I remember being in that conversation & havign that feeling where everythign I say is so clear, so perfect, so dead on and hten I remember being ont he opposite end of a similar situation, where my boyfriend, manic, had pretty much trapped a person in a similar conversation. I saw the person trying to worm their way out, but my boyfriend wouldn't stop & wasn't reading my cues to chill out. So this well meaning comment by my friend, has made me feel really ashamed & embarrassed. I am embarrassed that my brain, regardless of meds & therapy, gets out of control. I think there must have been 101 times where I did the same to others without realizing it. I can not stress how articulate & brilliant I feel when I am manic like that. Like I am some profound orator. Oh how I must have alienated myself, or turned people off. I wish there was a way when I get like that that i could channel it into something more productive. Also, during that episode, I churned out a bunch of emails that I wish I could retract. One in particular to a lawyer acquaintance that was going to help me with a ticket, that has instead had him not want to take my case. One, where I "overshared" with an old friend...all sorts of yucky stuff. I even managed to get banned from facebook for a day! I am normally self-aware of my cycles, but I think when I am in the midst of mania or hypomania, that it is just beyond me. I did tell my friend, the one who triggered this feelign of shame, to let me know in the future if I get like that, so I can get help, she agreed. She doesn't have to, she wants to. She's a good soul. So much so I felt like I put her out. How do you all deal with the wreckage--be it something as minor as running your mouth-or major as over spending, regretful sexual encounters..how do ou keep on moving on?