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I have recently been going through a lot of medication changes spurred by oxytocin induced insomnia. I feel like I have finally come off of the hypomanic ride I've been on for the past year and half since I had to stop taking Lithium. I am afraid because I don't know what kind of happiness I will have now. I don't know if the happiness I felt for the past year has been true happiness of getting over my mom's death and getting rid of an abusive relationship, or if I was just hypomanic. I am afraid of returning to the kind of life I had when I did not experience hypomania, the time when I was on Lithium. First of all, I was not stable then and I am afraid of going back to that. I am also afraid of a world where I don't feel happy. I feel like I was dead before I experienced mania. Will life just be dull and normal? Any advice from someone who has gotten rid of mania and likes it? Will I still be able to enjoy music? Will I still be able to dance? Will I still be able to feel connected to the earth, the universe, and others?
I doubt anyone remembers me but I made some blog posts and forum posts a month or 2 ago about my snorting focalin and doing benzedrex inhalers along with other addictions and unsuccessful meds. Well, since then I've just stopped thinking of my mental disorders as concrete things and just consider myself bipolar NOS because it's easier. I got the whole motherload of schizoid adhd paranoid sometimes manic depressive disharmoniushellride. But after almost locking myself in to a rehab during the interview, they gave me a tour and it was just like the crisis unit, thorazine zombies and one flew over the cuckoos nest atmosphere. So after refusing to sign the final release saying I changed my mind for about 3 hours a bunch of women tried to put me on an involuntary status even though I wasn't a danger to anyone, they were just mad because I knew more about their jobs and craft than they do, they even kept calling me a condescending egotist saying that's a valid excuse to lock me up. Well, I contained my anger and started to be humble saying I didn't think I was smart. So they tried to lock me in saying I was suicidally depressed because I was self depricating. After that whole shitfest I left and went home. Since then I've pretty much kicked the benzedrex, kicked the opiates mostly, take less klonopin, and have a stable med routine focalin 10mg 2x/day (I still take a few extra of these :S) buspar 15mg as needed (prescribed today, the 5ht1a agonism is a fucking blessing) seroquel 300mg at night (I only take it when I have really bad insomnia) clonidine .3 mg as needed aaanddd I ditched the lexapro because SSRIs are mostly evergreening scams, plus I don't need any serotonin altering to that extent, I did a couple of DXM binges (not to trip, because I take dxm once a month to reset tolerance because its an NMDA antagonist and it also works as an antidepressant) Also finally have a new hobby, I've been reading up on numerology and witchcraft and shit, which also helps me mentally.