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this is going to be long but i really need someones help, or advice, or experience. im an emotional wreck. so let me give some background information. Ive been on antidepressants since I was 15. I also suffer from anxiety. Ive been on zoloft before and effexor xr. I stopped effexor xr a few months back and switched to wellbutrin. Effexor was making me tired, fat, and just dulled me. It was then my pdoc suggested wellbutrin xr. From the start it was a hard medication for me to adjust to, but I really wanted it to work so I gave it a try. After a month or two I felt great. The side effects were gone, and I was happy. But about a month ago my anixety went haywire. I thought it was maybe making my adhd worse so I started taking adderall again. (I stopped for a short while because I had got up to 60mg a day and was wrecking my body). Adderall didnt help and if anything, my anxiety was worse. So about two weeks ago I stopped taking my wellbutrin. I was frustrated and Ive never tried to stop taking meds to see how Id feel. I wanted to get back in the gym, eating healthy, and give my body a chance to heal itself. I went about it all wrong. First I was just taking my ativan twice a day for my anxiety. It was working well. I didnt feel doped up or weird, just normal. And then I went back on my adderall. 5mg 3 times a day. Sometimes 10mg twice a day. Id feel great for a short time, and then crash and have to take more. So my doc suggested adding adderall xr. Tried that for a day or two but it made me extremely tired. So I tried taking it with a 5mg IR and then 5mg later in the afternoon. I still felt extremely strung out at the end of the day. Like I spent the day doing hard drugs. Id be so wired and anxious, so that then Id have to take my ativan at night. And now that is where Im at. I take adderall during the day, and around 5 start to feel terrible. Im anxious, nauseous, dehydrated even though ive been drinking water, and i feel like im coming down off crack. I come home, and take ativan. Im rx'ed 0.5mg but last night I took two and today I took 2 again, and then another one about 30 minutes ago. Im sick to my stomach over this. My mind doesnt know what the fuck is going on. Im up, and then Im down, and then at the end of the day Im mad at myself for doing this. I get home and feel like a zombie. I cant enjoy being with my husband, or my dog, or anything. Im so wired and fucked up and then I just want to cry. I want to stop. I dont want any shit in my system anymore. Tomorrow (like today) Im telling myself I wont take the adderall. Its just easier said then done, especially when I wake up and Im tired and sluggish, and just feel on edge because theres still adderall in my system. So i take one, and then feel better. And say ok, Ill take my next dose, I feel the crash coming on. Im scared. How do I do this? How do I detox? I know last time I stopped adderall cold turkey it was awful. I was a disgusting, tired mess. I was anxious. I had no motivation. To add it in, Im scared that if I stop my ativan at the same time Im going to be putting my body in double shock. I have been taking ativan on a daily basis up until recently, so Im hoping there wont be withdrawals, but I also know I need it for the anxiety - but I dont want to get dependent on it. What do I do? How do I get through this? Please someone help me. Im a manic mess. My husband got me flowers last night with a beautiful note, just because, and I cried because I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I just want to be healthy. Please help me. Im desperate and at the end of my rope