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God I want to cut so badly but I also don’t want to ruin this streak of not cutting. It’s been 22-days since I last cut, not my longest but far better than the usual three to four days I was managing before. I know cutting doesn’t solve anything, but it does. I’m feeling so lost, empty, lacking motivation at the moment and while cutting won’t fix that, it does to a point in that it proves to me that I’m still alive, still capable of feeling something, anything, and that I have some control in my life. Grr, the desire is almost unbearable at the moment. Life sucks majorly sometimes. Just really struggling this evening
I'm extremely, extremely afraid that I have bipolar disorder. Sorry for the length of this. I'm hoping maybe someone can tell me their experiences and if they are similar to mine. I'm pretty sure what I'm going to explain is probably bipolar. I'm not looking for a diagnosis because I know that's only attainable through a professional... I just need to know people can relate and that I'm not the only one with these sorts of behaviors and issues. In the off chance that what I'm saying is completely unrelated to this board, I apologize. I feel alone. I was diagnosed with OCD just recently which I know I've had since chilhood, I had awful thoughts of bad things happening to my family or of myself doing bad, awful things to hurt other people.I'd also convince myself I had every illness in the world (which is why I'm not sure about BPD) I've always kind of cycled between periods of OCD and strict discipline in my life (working out, sobriety, rituals, work hard) and periods of time where I'm out of control, eating everything in sight, not doing schoolwork and full of anxiety. It seemed the OCD/restrictive lifestyle kicked in when something awful happened. This flipped back in forth from about 11-18 when I had a significant loss of a parent. Then I spiraled out of control. Right around that time I went on adderall and I was spending hours upon hours writing crazy blogs and journal entries, reading philosophy and psychology, drawing, painting, creating. Barely sleeping. A couple times I hallucinated, which I always attributed to the adderall and the insane amount of caffeine I took in. It was generally what I thought to be a panic attack... me curled up shaking and sobbing, completely detached from reality. I felt like I was locked in a whirlwind. Then, I discovered drinking. Went off all meds and spent a year drinking myself into oblivion, crying and telling people sad, crazy things from time to time but have no recollection of doing so. I failed out of school. I gained over 60 lbs in 6 months. I started having casual sex with people from time to time, usually unprotected, whether or not I had a boyfriend. I tried Zoloft then and felt agitated non-stop and didn't sleep for days. A few years later, I started Prozac and would seriously self injure when I drank on it. Over the years tried Wellbutrin and Adderall. My OCD ceased and I was no longer depressed but would flip flop between times of drinking and socializing and periods of solitude. I went off of those and stumbled into the darkest depression I've ever been in. I didn't get out of bed for days. I went back to doc and started back on meds recently. A month into taking Prozac, the first time in a year, I went out and drank, stayed up all night, felt agitated and hyper. I spent a ton of money. I can't recall much of what I did but for those four days, I remember feeling euphoric. Finally, the day after the bender, I sat on the couch all day crying because I feel ashamed. That brought me here. Is this similar to anybody's stories? How did you guys find out you were bipolar? What led you there?