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  1. So long story short i have developed a cocaine addiction. This week has been of intense use. Ive been close to overdosing. Ive mixed with other drugs and i cant even remeber what drugs i did. The thing is, psychologically i feel ready to quit but my body is literally dying. I cant eat or sleep, i cant get out of bed. I want to quit but im afraid leaving it too fast will only increase the physical symptoms. I cant get medical help, only my psychologist can help me and thats why mentally i have the urge to quit but idk how to help the physical side. Also i take a bunch of meds because of schizoaffective disorder and anxiety. So theres always a bunch of substances in my body. Any advice on how to stop this binge? I want my health back. I want to sleep. Eat. Walk. Im totally sick and i know is from drugs.
  2. I've got six years clean and sober, and lately I have really been craving a drink badly. My wife and I have started trying to make new friends, and we've made a few, but they all drink. They do not pressure me to drink, but I really want to. I have so much social anxiety plus life is really stressful for me right now. My wife was sober too, but last time we went to a party, she had a few drinks. She asked me if it was OK, and I said yes, but I did feel jealous. I just didn't want to impede her fun. The very fact that I want to drink so badly tells me that I am not ready to and besides, I am on meds. Anyway, has anyone been sober long-term and then started craving a drink badly? How have you handled it?
  3. So... it would appear I am at it again. I have slipped. My life has become so apathetically bland a meaningless. As a result, I have come to have my nights between 10p and 2-3a serve as my "Happy Hours." These "Happy Hours" tend to consist of me eating an edible of some kind and just being "happy" (the fake kind you get from weed or other intoxicants) for he night until I fall asleep. But lately I have been seeking out other ways to have some fun when I don't have weed. For example: tonight I took a bunch more zolpidem, More than I would need for sleep. I am very relaxed and kind of hoping I at least get to see some of the well-known zolpidem illusions we all know nd love. Aside from the zolpidem (for the calming effect), in the last month there have been a few (2) times I was in such a "not okay" state in which I was desperate to try anything that I scarfed down a few Ritalin just to see what will happen - see if it makes me any more focused. I figured what could happen? I fall asleep? I grind my teeth for a few days? Would it work and let me get things done? We discontinued it but I still have it. I don't know what's going on with me lately. I have been relatively clean (save the occasional beer and some weed) for ten years... and now this, seemingly out of nowhere. I can't help but feel that my life's station is contributing to it. Almost as if, if I can get out of this environment soon, maybe I can go back to normal life. But if I can't... what then? All I know is, I don't want things to repeat when I quit drinking back in the day. That sucked. Worst depression ever! One would think these think these things are useless. zolpidem is for sleep, dummy! Ritalin is supposed to help you focus (and not be so scrambled), idiot! I know. I know. I guess whatever happens happens.... uuuggghhhhh In conclusion: every few years I slip up. Sometimes I have friends to help me. These days, I have none. It's all on me.
  4. This post is for everyone, even people without the substance abuse Dx. So I have this feeling I am not alone here. Are there any people out there who have a substance abuse Dx mixed up with other Dx and or stand alone in the substance abuse Dx? It is pretty common for someone with a MI to develop substance abuse disorders, especially if they self medicate before they get an official Dx. I do not have stats to post at this time but I can later if people would like to know. Now the purpose of this post is to find out people's opinions on what I think is a problem in the MI community. The rejection and or dismissal of someone with a substance abuse disorder Dx. I have seen it where a person with a substance abuse Dx is sharing in a group setting, and the other attendees will automatically shift in their seats uncomfortably and either try to change the subject or dismiss it outright when the person is done sharing. I know that it is an uncomfortable subject, and that if you have not dealt with a substance abuse issue then you can not relate to well. I am sorry for saying it that way, you may be able to relate indirectly, which is also very valid. Why is it though that sometimes people do not take the other Dx that people have seriously? I have been in this situation; I was sharing in a group and when I mentioned the drug use and my issues with that and how it affected my other MI's. I was then interrupted by another attendee, that person said, then you do not really have Schizoaffective then. Thankfully the moderator jumped in and said that minimizing and discrediting someone else is not allowed. which caused a few in the room to cross their arms and stop sharing. As did I because I felt like I was not allowed to share my experience any longer. So what is the deal here? Are we (drug users) not allowed to come and share on equal terms? This can apply to CB or really any group. Are we truly in our own grouping and our story has no impact or value anymore because we are just useless junkies? Is it that having a MI is very hard for anyone in this world, and adding a Dx of drug use is just a slap in the face for people actively pursuing treatment? Do people without a Dx of substance abuse think that we (drug users) have failed or have taken an easy way out? I would encourage anyone to post here, answer the questions, or create new ones. I would like to hear everyone and their side to this. No judgments will come from me, I just want to know where I stand within the community.
  5. Hey guys I'm relatively new here. I've been on many different medications and med combinations in the past. So just curious if any of you have ever been on a cocktail similar to mine. So far it has worked wonders. I've been on this combination for months. The weight gain from the remeron was hard to deal with, but eating better and exercise helped that, and the munchies I got from it became less and less over time. I'm on Propranolol instant release 80mg 3 times a day (I used to take this 3 times a day, but now have weaned myself down to once a day when needed. The whole idea of taking a 'heart medication' still sketches me out. But apparently propranolol has a low side effect profile, I think? Lol) Gabepentin 300mg 3 times a day (however my doc for some reason gives me a monthly script of 270 300mg pills) Remeron 30mg at night Effexor ER 150mg in the Am ( apparently the combo of effexor and remeron is called 'California rocket fuel') A little bit about me. I have depression and generalized anxiety, and currently being tested for possible bipolar disorder. I have had severe substance abuse issues in the past so I have to go the non narcotic route.
  6. Greetings, I've been lurking for a bit and decided to step out of the shadows to introduce myself. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder - bipolar, PTSD and I have issues with substance abuse (which I'm actively fighting). I've lived with mental illness for most of my life and by my age (early 40s), I've learned to cope much better than I ever did and if there was hope for me, there is hope for anyone. The bipolar symptoms are under control but my psychotic symptoms are not. I have been to the pdoc recently for a med adjustment because of this. The angel of death walks nine steps behind me and I have seen his agents of death everywhere. They are cats, people or weird ball and chains made of shadow. It might sound scary but I'm aware that I'm hallucinating and seeing the grim reaper and his agents. I have been hearing voices - name being called, arguing voices that bicker and comment, the sound of rotary telephones from yester year, ghostly telepathic whispers and my mom's voice which is very soothing to me. I'm medicated and I'll need to be for the rest of my life. I look forward to participating in these forums and getting to meet people.
  7. Hi All, I have posted on here awhile back before but haven't been back. I don't know, maybe I feel like I don't have a "real" addiction, like this is more of an "acting out" thing and/or a BPD self-harm thing than actual "addiction." However, over the past 18 months of so, I have struggled off and on with DXM abuse (cough medicine that has a dissociative/mild hallucinogenic effect, maybe like ecstasy... don't know for sure because I have never tried ecstasy or "harder" drugs than pot.) I am embarrassed because this is commonly abused by mainly teenagers-- and I am 30 and never used it as a teen. I am also embarrassed because I work as an addictions therapist and, well, I am struggling with substance abuse (and its like some of my colleagues in recovery who may relapse-- I never had this problem to begin with.) I actually think both of these reasons contribute greatly to my urge to abuse this (or any, I guess) substance. It feels like a very rebellious defiant adolescent part of me that is driven to do these behaviors-- because I grew up "too fast" due to trauma stuff, had a very restrictive household, and didn't get the opportunity to experiment with drugs as a teen (maybe driving my choice for that substance in particular-- although it could also be because of lack of access to other drugs because I am so socially isolated that I don't know how to obtain drugs). Also, my use of this substance started very shortly after a work-related traumatic event...and somewhat of an irrational sick sense of jealousy of my clients (maybe for having a more "tangible" problem than addiction rather than complex trauma which hasn't seemed to have a clearly defined recovery path or support groups or IOPs or anything like that thus far... yeah, I know irrational and distorted and probably insensitive to people with "real addictions" but that is how I emotionally feel, not what I truely believe). I am baffled by my continued use of this substance, as I no longer get much of an effect from it at the doses I do (and I am terrified and unwilling to do more) and when I do feel an effect, it is largely negative. I don't enjoy it and never really did, don't crave it physically. I also haven't experiences much "consequences" of my use, which makes me worried that I don't have too much motivation to stop. My consequences are: weight gain/bloating/stomach effect from the substance, spending money on something pointless (not to to point of even remotely causing financial problems), and sense of self-shame. No one in my life knows (except my MH team, which is monitoring me), I don't use in front of other and if I am somewhat under the influence it is not noticeable to my family/SO, it is (questionably) legal, etc. But I do want to stop because I feel it does interfere with my emotional well-being (if for no reason other than the shame factor), want to be healthy, and want to focus on accomplishing higher level goals. I know it's typical for people to say they are on a "downward spiral". However, for me, I feel I am on a slightly "upward spiral"-- that is, I've been able to abstain from increasingly longer periods of time (4 to 7 days versus using daily or every other day). But, of course, my goal is complete abstinence. I'm not sure how to achieve this. I have been trying to track my "sober days" and create a reward system for myself for each sober day, with increasing reward for increasing length of sobriety. Maybe that has contributed to my increasing length of time between uses? I don't feel like AA/NA is an option for me, due to 1.) risk of running into clients at meetings (even if I went a little further away, I have worked in other facilities farther out in both directions, and I would still run the risk of seeing former clients), 2.) embarassment over not using a "real drug" and feeling the need to be dishonest about what I use, and 3.) some issues I have with 12 step model in general. I have been dusting off the DBT skills to reincorporate my skills into my life, and I think that has also been helpful in my recovery. But any suggestions you have, the better. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. P.S. I have a MUCH harder time resisting when I am about 7 to 10 days premenstrual just like with food cravings (and do have a PMDD diagnosis), so any suggestions for during this period (no pun intended) are also appreciated.
  8. Hey All. I have never posted in this forum before, and this is something I am EXTREMELY ashamed to admit to. For a little over a year, I have been abusing DXM tablets (i.e. dextromorphan, "robotripping") off and on. It started because, after a traumatic event at work which left me jobless and re-triggered PTSD, I just wanted to get out of my fucking skull for a bit-- I actually wanted to smoke weed, but I was so socially isolated in a new city (well had lived there about 1.5 years) that I didn't even know how/where to buy weed, so I tried this for the first time as a legally obtainable alternative. Though I know of course it's unhealthy, I used as much "harm reduction" as possible (i.e. buying the pills that ONLY have DXM in them, rather than ones contains like acetaminophen, decongestants, guafenasin, etc). I was generally using 1 to 2 bottles in a sitting a couple time a week, then up to 5 or 6 times a week, starting in Aug 2012 and quitting in Nov 2012. I quit before through willpower and by telling my friend, who forced me to tell my therapist and my psychiatrist, and I quit mainly because it caused me to gain some weight, the trips were becoming unpleasant, and it was a waste of money. The telling to someone made me accountable. I started doing it again here and there this past April 2013, shortly after getting a job and probably in response to job stress and triggers. (Possibly also in response to living with my parents again and wanting to escape that-- 1.) my parents were emotionally abusive to me in childhood and we had a rocky start with me coming back here, and 2.) living here makes me feel about 13, and OTC med abuse is a very teenager-y thing to do.) It started out as something I did maybe a couple times in a month but is now back up to 3 to 5 times a week, mainly only at one bottle. I've stopped doing the 2 bottles because it became unpleasant and I hated the feeling of loss of control. Sometimes I do this behavior in response to a stressor, other times just boredom, but I've found that many times it's out of a compulsion, as I really don't feel much of any effect. I feel at this point I am mainly addicted to the "process" of taking a bunch of pills, and in a sick way I somewhat like the physically ill feelings (i.e mainly diarrhea and stomach issues) I get from taking them (which is about the only effect, as I refuse to go higher). I have a history of bulimia (initially through laxative use), but I know I'm not doing this to lose weight because DXM actually increases my appetite-- but part of the bulimia was being more addicted to the "purging" (whether through laxatives or vomiting) than the food (i.e. I binged so I could have an excuse to purge, not purged because I lost control and had binged). So, is this an substance addiction thing? Is it more of a self-harm thing / trying to relive the bulimia experience? Is it kind of an OCD/compulsive thing of being addicted to the behavior more than the substance? I have also been engaging in other ritualistic/compulsive behaviors, like feeling the need to go to Starbucks at the same time daily to get exactly the same thing each day. (Another aspect of ritualistic Starbucks behavior is it gets me out of my work environment and far enough away from the building, as my work can get very stressful). I don't experience ill effects physically (or even mentally per se, like depression which is common in DXM withdrawal) when stopping use. I just have strong mental cravings and compulsions to go do i again. I am not depressed at all currently, my life is going pretty well, and my PTSD symptoms are at bay. Why am I doing this? I have no history of substance abuse or dependence-- I do have history of ED and self-harm (none current), which I can conceive of as addiction, and vice versa. How can I stop? (I have tried "playing the tape" and reminding myself of the consequences-- physiologically, psychologically, socially if people found out, career wise if people found out, risk for serotonin syndrome, etc-- but apparently that doesn't work.) Meetings seem to be out of the question, as I work as a therapist in the addiction field (another huge reason I feel ashamed) so would run into clients if I go to any meetings within a 30 mile radius. Plus, I have been to meetings for work purposes, and I haven't heard ANYONE share about this issue-- others' issues seem to be more severe and involve "real" drugs." I am terrified to tell my new tdoc and pdoc about this, as I don't know them very well yet. I am afraid they will make me go to IOP or something (again, can't do that anywhere locally because of being in the field and running into either clients or colleagues), and I am terrified my pdoc won't prescribe me benzos anymore. (My last one when I told her about the DXM started trying to taper me off of benzos, as she assumed that if you are addicted to one thing, you'll abuse anything-- I have never abused my benzos). I also can't see my pdoc and tdoc until Nov 1 or later because I am without insurance for a month. I guess if I can't stop this on my own (without at least the support of an online forum), I will have to tell them. Any behavioral suggestions I can do? I am especially scared in the immediate moment because I have to go to a pharmacy TODAY and pick up 2 prescriptions (one which I absolutely need today). Plus, I am sick with a cold and cough and would benefit from some kind of cold medicine while I am there-- we don't have any at home. I am scared I am going to give in and get a bottle of generic robotussin pills while I am there. Thanks for reading. I am just so embarassed and ashamed, especially being that I work in addiction field and that I am "too old" for this problem (almost 30). Edited for: Removing more trigger-y stuff
  9. I am interested in books about co-occurring disorders for personal and academic reasons. I am dually diagnosed with substance use disorder (the newest label by the DSM V)/addiction and bipolar 1 disorder so am interested in reading more about it for myself. I also chose to write a paper about it for my "Study of Substance Abuse" social welfare class and wanted some resources for my writing. I've browsed Amazon and am going to email my tdoc. Wondering if anyone here had any suggestions. Thanks!
  10. Hi new here and glad to find this forum! I hope this isn't an annoying question. I was diagnosed with depression in October after years of struggling with it. I started at 10mg Lexapro and felt better, but had a depressive episode in late January leading to a bump in medication to 15mg Lexapro. I felt awesome! So awesome! So awesome that I'm pretty sure I went right into mania. This behavior led to some reflection and I realized that I have had manic/hypomanic episodes (usually in spring) for a long time as well (they're just usually drowned out by depression, and manifest more as irritability and impulsivity -- I have been learning about mania and can now see that I've had manic tendencies all along but thought they were just me being crabby!). I told my psychiatrist about this last week. She didn't want to move into a mood stabilizer yet, but I'm doing a timeline and mood diary. I recognize my behavior as problematic, but am stressing at the thought of being less happy when I just finally started to feel good. I have some anxiety issues but nothing debilitating. I'm not officially dxed as bipolar but see that probably happening. I have a long history of alcoholism. I've been sober for 15 months. I haven't been a wreck in a long time, but it's still out there as an issue. In a convo a few nights ago with my husband, I realized that I've been experiencing sexual side effects from the Lexapro since upping my dosage. I can get aroused just fine but coming takes forEVer and it's become a real drag. (Maybe I am also hypersexual?? I kind of don't want that to go away.) I left a message about this with my psychiatrist, and now am feeling all worried. I really want to resolve the sex problems, but I'm afraid to mess with my Lexapro dosage as I feel that (other than the mania, which I think is also a seasonal thing) it is helping me fundamentally with the depression. Do you think my drinking history or manic ways will complicate this? Will I ever be stable, happy, and able to have amazing sex? OK, brain dump over. Thanks for reading, and for advice!
  11. Hi I am a 21-year-old girl, and I experienced a psychotic break back in the beginning of September when I was still 20. I was diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. I am now on the anti-psychotic Fanapt (4mg/day) and the anti-depressant Lexapro (15mg/day). I first started smoking when I was in high school, the summer into my sophomore year. I only smoked about once a week throughout high school, but I preferred drinking over smoking. This continued when I began college, where I rarely smoked weed my freshman year and instead got drunk multiple times per week. The summer into my sophomore year of college, I began smoking weed about every day (I was influenced by friends and a guy) and I experienced my first acid trip at a Phish concert. I had an incredibly wonderful time as I was with my two best friends and my guy. Later that summer I tripped on acid again, two times in two days at a music festival. Again I had a very pleasant experience. I smoked pot about two times a week when I returned to school in the fall. That winter break I went to another Phish concert on New Years Eve. That night I had a horrifying trip that would be extremely scary at moments and then pretty good at other moments, with the scary parts sneaking up on me throughout the night. I threw up that night twice while tripping, and I also got snapped at by a friend’s dog, which while tripping, looked like a monster was trying to eat me. Later that week, I experienced what I believed was a flashback, but instead of a dog trying to snap at me, I imagined my boyfriend snapped at me when he hadn’t. I thought I was going crazy and when I returned to school I had a hard time and did poorly in my classes. I kept overanalyzing everything and couldn’t understand why the bad trip had happened. I was down to smoking weed about three times a week while at school. When summer came around I was in much better spirits, and was smoking weed almost every day again. I went to a music festival and tripped acid for the first time since the bad trip, and I had a wonderful time. At moments while tripping, I thought that I heard someone calling my name, but no one was. I also tripped again two times in two days at a different music festival later in the summer. At this festival, I started believing that everything was happening for a reason and that everything was already planned out for me. I remember thinking to myself that if anyone had DMT, I would smoke it, and right after having that thought, someone popped up and said they had some, but I ended up not accepting their offer. As the summer continued more weird coincidences were happening that were freaking me out. I was fishing at camp one day, and when I would have a good thought, I would right away catch a fish, and I thought the universe was trying to send me messages. When I went back to school that fall, more weird things happened. I needed a hat to work at a food co-op, and I randomly found a great hat on the floor, which I thought I manifested with my mind. Then, one night I took one and half pills of a pain killer mixed with alcohol, and the next morning I woke up thinking I was completely crazy. I researched schizophrenia online, and noticed that one of the symptoms was hearing your name. I immediately thought not only was I schizophrenic, but that I was at a college where we were supposed to find out what mental disorder we had and that having schizophrenia meant I was a person of the future and had special powers. Later that night, I went to a concert with a friend, where I drank and smoked a lot. I went to an after party, where I had the choice of staying and meeting the band, or leaving with my ride. I chose the former, and stayed with a friend. My friend was my best friend’s ex boyfriend, and we started cuddling a little, and I started getting the paranoid thought that he had planned this encounter. The morning came, and a violent movie was playing on tv, and I suddenly thought I was in a killer’s house. Our ride wasn’t coming for another hour or so, and I called my parents and my old boyfriend saying how scared I was. My parents came to pick me up and brought me to a hospital, where I was released after a few hours because I explained I just wanted to try a few drugs for research purposes. My parents left me at school and went back home, but the next few days I went a little bit crazier. I was walking to class, when a large burst of wind came by and I felt as though the wind was telling me to not go to class. I then thought that there were going to be bombs on campus, and I ran back to my apartment. I went to a meeting that night for a club I was in, and when my friend said, “It’s hot in here,” I immediately thought we were all going to be in an oven and burn. I ran out of the meeting and ran around the main street. I decided to run to the metro, and get as far away from the city as possible. I hopped on a school bus with some kids I met at the metro stop, smoked weed with them, and ended up in another state. I left the kids at a diner we had stopped at, and called my sister who lived nearby to pick me up. I was extremely paranoid at this point, and I thought that people at the diner were going to try to kill me. When I got to my sister’s apartment, I thought that at midnight we were all going to turn into uncontrollable animals and that I would try to hurt my sister. I could not sleep because I also thought that the friend from the concert was trying to cut off my limbs in a parallel world that I would wake up to if I fell asleep. I stayed up all night, and in the morning when they tried to take me to the hospital, I started running around naked, and took a dump on my sister’s bathroom floor as a symbol of protest. Eventually an ambulance was called, and I was brought to the hospital, where no drugs were found in my system. I was brought back to my home state, and entered into a psych ward where I was put on Risperidol, but was changed to Abilify after my prolactin levels went up. I was still having delusional thoughts and was hearing messages through the tv and the radio even after I was released from the hospital. I was brought back to the psych ward because I was having incredibly excruciating migraines and threatened to kill myself. I was then put on Fanapt, and finally stopped having delusional thoughts around mid-October. Because I was upset about no longer being able to return to the school I was at and feeling as though I had lost my social skills, I was put on Lexapro in January to deal with my depression. The Lexapro seems to be working and I am no longer having suicidal thoughts. I will begin to be weaned off the Fanapt around the end of May, and I am applying to schools in my home state to return to in the fall. I know that I want to smoke weed again, but my psychiatrist says there is a chance I would go back into my psychotic state. I don’t feel delusional now, which I had been even the few months prior to the actual break, so I’m not sure if that would be the result. Anyway, I wrote this all just to introduce myself to the forum, and maybe hear from people who have had similar experiences. I’d also like to know if anyone had a psychotic break and continued to smoke pot after no longer having psychotic symptoms and what happened to them. Thanks for reading! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tl;dr: a couple of acid trips along with smoking a lot of pot led me to experience drug induced psychosis, so I ran away from college and am now back in my home state. I am recovering while taking fanapt, lexapro, and figuring out which school to go to while debating if I can ever smoke pot again.
  12. Going through this forum section has made me reminisce about years of very stupid teenage behaviour and whatnot, but I am curious about something. I tried Ecstasy probably around 5-6 times and it never had any effect on me whatsoever. A couple of those times I even took multiple pills and I've never met anyone who hasn't had some kind of reaction to this drug. It is not because the drugs were placebos or just generally ineffective (as far as I know). Anyone else ever experience this (or hear of this happening)? It always struck me as strange and often made me frustrated because I wanted to feel good instead of just flat like I've always felt, and it never made me feel anything at all.
  13. Hey there. I'm a 22 year old female borderline (as I suspect) and social phobic. I've been treated for bulimia, substance abuse, and bipolar (I'm a college psych major and I've done a lot of research trying to figure myself out, but my psychiatrist did not listen to me when I tried to tell her my mood swings were too quick for bipolar). I started having binge eating issues when I was about 12, which progressed to more emotional issues, bulimia, alcohol and drug use... it's not a fun life. I left my last psychiatrist because (like I said before) she would not listen to me and seemed extremely apathetic and irritated with me all the time (I don't really blame her, I feel the same). It seemed silly to keep spending so much money to get help from someone like that. I still live with my mom, who can't stand me because I'm so moody. But I can't afford to move out because I spend too much on booze and drugs... I've had the same job for 4 years, and a really cool dog who's my best friend. Those are about the only things I have going for me. I have no friends outside of the people I talk to at work and at class, a few ex boyfriends I occasionally hookup with, and the people who I buy drugs from (some of those people overlap). I escape in music and drugs. I've been known to self-injure or threaten suicide when things get really bad. I guess that's all. I'm not really a bad person, I'm just looking for some support and advice. I don't know where else to go.
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