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Found 15 results

  1. I just turned 30 last November. Seems like all life does anymore is pass me by. I've dealt with severe anxiety and depression for the better part of the last 2 decades, and before that, ADHD as a child. I have tried every medicine under the sun, including experimental ones like ketamine and such. I've done ECT treatments, hundreds of therapy sessions and group therapies. The doctors switched my diagnosis from bipolar, to severe GAD, to borderline personality disorder, back to GAD, many times, and I'm not even sure what the current one thinks I am. I mostly sit there staring into space when I'm in his office. I have no hope or will left in me anymore. I haven't truly felt suicidal since 2009, which is when I had two suicide attempts, but I'm beginning to be okay with dying again. 2 years ago, I lost the love of my life and since then this hole inside me has become larger than ever. We were together for 6.5 years, and it was the most fulfilling, joyous years of my life. Now I'm at the point where feeling sad is a relief, because I mostly feel nothing. I rarely feel anything anymore besides resentment and anger because I know I should be feeling but I'm not. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, I remain empty inside. I'm so apathetic and detached from the world and the people in it, including friends and family. I isolate myself, turn my phone off for weeks at a time even. I just don't care anymore. I struggled with this beast before I met the love of my life, but she filled me with something that medicines and doctors never could. LOVE. It was like a breath of fresh air, with the sun on my face. Blissful, peaceful. I love her every moment of every day, and I know without her I won't make it. She's the reason I stopped feeling suicidal in 2009. That's the year we met, coincidentally in ECT therapy. We were both in the same waiting room. It's funny, we wouldn't remember each others' names or that we had started making plans to see each other outside of therapy. We were like kids in the recovery room, sitting on our hospital gurneys kicking our feet, sipping on those juice boxes they give you after they electrocute ya, completely nonjudgmental, embracing each others' company. Our mothers had to help us out hahaha. Our memory and attentions spans at the time were hilariously short. My mother would drive me to go see her, and I would forget who I was going to see on the way there. Her mother would remind her to get ready because she had company coming over but she would always forget who was coming to see her. But we would always remember when we saw each other, and we would embrace each other with the biggest hugs. It was like seeing each other for the first time, every time while we were still having ECT treatments, except we knew each other. Hard to explain. I'm simplifying everything but I truly have not ever felt something so strong and amazing, that attraction that soulmates share, if you believe in such things. I've tried dating (if you can even call it that) and talking to girls since I lost her but nothing makes me care. Sex is meaningless, conversations are meaningless...doesn't matter who's talking to me, or how much they're into me, they aren't her. They'll never be her. I just space out and imagine how comfy my sanctuary is where I can lay back with my feet on my soft carpeting and just rest. That's all I ever want to do anymore, just rest. Be as close to 'at peace' as I can. Life never had much sway over me, and now that I'm without 'her'...I'm so close to the final exit. It sucks because this could have all been avoided. I used to drink alcohol, A LOT. I even went to rehab for it, and stayed clean since then with a few hiccups/reminders not to drink. Alcohol never mixed well with me, and caused more problems than she could put up with. I hate myself for not seeing clearly quicker. For not listening to her. And so here I am, a broken being writing on this forum not because I seek help but because I just feel like I should put a brief summary of my story out there. I apologize if any of you were here looking for answers. I see many other souls in pain here too, which inspired me to share. It's nice knowing we aren't completely alone.
  2. Hi all. Would like opinions please. I've been on Viibryd for a little over 6 weeks. Went up to 40mgs, then back to 30mg now 20mgs (pdoc thought it might have been too stimulating for me at higher doses). I'm starting to feel stable throughout the day most days, but almost always have breakthrough anxiety multiple times a day, in which the .50mg of Lorazepam isn't working to control. Although my depressed mood/sadness has seemed to lifted a bit, the suicidal thoughts are hanging on for dear life. This promoted my pdoc to add Lithium 900mg a little over 2 weeks ago. I also take 200mg Seroquel and 600 nuerontin at bed to help with insomnia. Anyway, I really don't think the current cocktail of the Viibryd 20mg and Lithium 900mg is working for me. I would think that I should be a lot less anxious than I am and not be having suicidal thoughts at this spot in my "recovery". I guess I should mention that I just started intensive therapy (3 times a week). I know that therapy often makes things worse before they get better, but I'm pretty uncomfortable. Over the years, I have been on Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and Effexor with not much luck. I would really like to ask my pdoc to be put on a TCA. I've never tried that class of anti-depressant so I'm hoping maybe I'll respond better to a TCA than the abysmal results I've had with SSRI, SNRI and now SMS. Or, is it even worth asking for a change now that I'm in therapy? I would really appreciate opinions and recommendations. Thank you so much!
  3. So today I was downtown with a friend. We were going to cross the street and just jay walk cos the lights were red to one side and just turned yellow on the other. She said "Let's just go to the corner" but I said "no let's go now - it's clear" and took a step off the curb. That's when she grabbed my arm and pulled me back as the bus driver laid on his horn and brakes, narrowly missing making me a big splat on the road. I didn't MEAN to step in front of a bus. I didn't see it coming - thought it had stopped already. I wasn't / am not feeling suicidal (that I can tell, anyway) but that brush with death... I didn't care. I was a little disappointed, to be honest. Kinda wished my friend hadn't been so quick. Or that the driver of the bus was distracted. I don't have the desire to die, to be dead. I'm going through some pretty negatively stressful times right now, but nothing that makes me want to kill myself. I'm feeling kind of dead inside already, but with sharp feelings of emotional hunger. An odd balance... Anyway. TLDR: almost got hit by a bus, didn't phase me, kind of disappointed, I'm fucked up.
  4. so last Tuesday I overdosed in an attempt to end my life, obviously I failed - not sure how I feel about that but I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently to have made it more successful - so that the next time I get it right I've been obsessing over this all day
  5. What do you do when you feel so lousy that the days are void of meaning? How do you cope when you're so chronically bored and anxious that you feel the need to claw at your skin because it feels like bugs are eating you alive from the inside? What do you do when you've been suicidal for weeks and can't get help? That's the position I'm in right now. I know the answer most would give is to go IP, but I can't. There are a few reasons I can't but my dad is the biggest one. Even if I could go, IP won't even help if I have to come back to this piece of Hell on Earth. So what do you do when the conventional isn't an option?
  6. I'm thinking of talking to my pdoc about trying lithium for chronic suicidal thinking as im doing therapy for it but still get lots of suicidal thoughts each day, The seroquel i'm taking is also to stabilise my mood which is has sorta done but I still get pretty bad mood swings so it might help that too as its a mood stabilizer, but the main reason I'm thinking is for suicidal thinking. I've just found a seroquel dosage I'd like to remain on so we wont be adjusting the seroquel which might help if we're gonna add a new med in, what experience has anyone got with lithium and suicidal thoughts? Also might help with depression sorry if i dont make any sense, im kinda in a weird state of mind, hopefully that makes enough sense
  7. Well I've been moaning on this forum about my depression, social anxiety and OCD for ages now. No meds working, failed with CBT, etc. I've been referred to "secondary care" and after triage they have decided I need to see a psychiatrist. Because of the NHS system I have no idea who I will see or when either, but I should know within a couple of weeks. What should I expect from the initial appointment and what details would help them to give me the best treatment? I would really like some help from a psychologist and I hope a pdoc will be able to refer me for such treatment rather than just drug me up. No drugs have helped so far and I've tried plenty. My GP, who is very knowledgeable about MH, feels we have exhausted the medication options anyway and that really I need therapy or longer term support, particularly to work on self-esteem. I should feel good that I may get some additional support but I don't........... I feel really down like this is just going to be another dead end let down. UPDATED PAGE 2. I would be really grateful for any further thoughts or replies.
  8. This may need a trigger warning. I struggle with anxiety and depression - my hormones escalate both and interfere with my basic daily functioning with work, professional relationships and personal relationship - barely even able to do my dishes or take a shower. Before my period and around ovulation i get super weepy, my anxiety is out of control (have to take ativan to even try to calm down) the first few days of my period and that typically turns in to depression along with suicidal thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and despair - i also become more prone to a bit of binge drinking and wanting to self harm around these times (especially when depressed). I was on oral contraceptives for 9yrs, so these issue caught me by surprise when i stopped the BC pills. stopped them a year ago and been getting my period semi-regularly for the past 7 months. On top of my regular meds (with the addition of Buspar starting next week), my pdoc suggested flaxseeds/omega 3 and a wholistic MD suggested vitex (chasteberry). Flaxseeds have yet to help after months and i have only been on the twice daily vitex for a month and a half. Any general thoughts or comments? Also, is vitex worth the money for helping regulate my period and symptoms? Thanks Current wholistic supplements: 2x/daily vitex (chasteberry), 2x/daily magnesium taurate, multivitamin (with CoQ10 and metholated B vitamins), probiotics
  9. hey y'all. i've been sitting at the bottom of the pit for quite awhile now. right now my most pressing issue is dealing with suicidal thoughts. i've been wondering if everyone experiences them the same way. for me, it's not just a simple "i want to die" thought most of the time. it's the inevitable conclusion to EVERY train of thought, no matter what the content. i don't often sit and think about wanting to die - as soon as i catch myself thinking it, i'm pulling out every skill i have to cope and move on to a better thought. it's just that it sneaks itself in there amongst all the other random things i think about, and before i know it, i've been thinking about death again. i'll write out the example i told tdoc last week, since she said it was a good one. i can be walking down the street, minding my business (probably scowling because i do not want to be doing this supposedly good for me exercise). i'll see an elderly couple arm in arm, walking slowly in the snow. i know many people get sentimental and say/think things like "isn't that sweet, they've been together forever and they still walk so close together". not me. i think "i wonder which one of them will die first, cause it's gonna be soon". which leads me to put myself in the shoes of the surviving spouse, and imagining all the indescribable grief (and actually feeling it, i start crying). i think of all the things the surviving spouse will now have to do alone, and how are they going to survive like that, and who will help look after them, and maybe they'll choose to die with their spouse (i know, crazy). in that moment, i am completely in the shoes of the survivor, and i want to die. then i will realize what i'm thinking about, and force myself to stop thinking about those people. but by then i'm in "death mode", and even if i can stop the thoughts of the elderly couple, i'm now heavy with grief that i can't shake. i'll realize that situation will be my own one day and i can't handle that so i should just die now. i do this dozens of times a day. it starts off so innocently, and ends with utter desperation. it doesn't help that i'm so emotionally raw i'm bleeding - thus the vivid imagination about what it would be like to be suddenly widowed, or any number of sad situations. i can't separate myself from others when it comes to pain. i can't read news anymore because i feel the feelings of the people in the articles, and it's never good. i can't watch anything but cartoons or very unemotional shows. because it all ends in my wishing for death because i can't live in a world containing so much pain. is this what it's like for others? is the pull of death sneaky, getting around all the cognitive traps you set up for it via therapy? if you've ever experienced this, how long did it last? how long were you able to think this way without doing something stupid? i'm really good at not following through on suicidal urges. but i have to wonder how many days weeks months in a row does it take to wear down even the most stubborn people (like me)? fwiw, i am working with both a pdoc and tdoc. we've been playing with med changes for months now. so i'm in that place where my task is to wait to see if meds work, and do everything i can to hold on in the meantime... there's nothing else to be done about it. except take stupefying PRNs when it gets so bad i can't take it anymore... then be unfit for anything but the couch, but at least i can't think well enough to formulate a plan about dying. thanks if you have experience to share. i'm no stranger to feeling suicidal, but the intensity and duration and outright trickery of my own thoughts this episode is kinda new. it's like my brain only likes one subject, and will do anything to bring my thougts back to it again.
  10. Background - I've been depressed now since 2012 when I started uni. I dropped out last year for a semester for treatment and returned the next semester (semester 2 2013) and was doing okay but I got depressed again and dropped out again. I decided that this year I was going to stay with my parents and go to the local uni while doing therapy to try and get better. I have been doing better in a way since I got back in that I have a job at the local hardware store. However I am still struggling to do anything and I just want to give up and give in to the suicidal thoughts I have. I see a tdoc every week and we have discussed what I should do and she suggested I try therapy for six months and not give in to the thoughts as at the moment I have little motivation when I just want to give up. I can see the logic of the idea and know that I have to work to get better and I'm on my way with my job and everything but there is another part of me that doesn't want to. There is a part of me that wants to say no to the plan and just give up on everything. I don't know what would happen then though. I don't want to die as I don't want to upset my parents and sister but even that excuse is not as effective anymore. There is part of me that thinks I should go to hospital but then think that it would be a waste of time; it wouldn't be effective as I'd just be running away from my problems. I would also have to leave my job when I just started 3 weeks ago and I may not be able to go to uni before it starts in late February.
  11. Three months before Christmas last year, one of my dogs acquired what is referred to a 'doggie aids.' The actual disease is a tick borne illness. He lost over 40 pounds in three months and died a horrible death on Christmas Day. During my dog's protracted illness, I was triggered and had frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and images come to me about my father's abuse. One of the symptoms of the tick borne illness was bleeding. This triggered me the most with disturbing images of my father using knives. I cringed whenever the images bombarded me. After my dog's death, I slipped into a suicidal depression and slowly went down hill. I was not even aware of how bad off I was until I decided it was necessary to see a pdoc. It was the first time in my life to see one. It took three months to see the pdoc during which time I thought I would go off the deep end. My dog's death and how he died reminded me of the abuse and deaths my father forced me to watch. It struck a chord deep within me about the intense emotions I carried inside me. I kept repeating to myself, 'this will be my undoing.' I understood what that meant. I would start to grieve everything which happened to me. Though... I feel stuck in the muck and mire of depression and I hate it. I hate that feeling of not being able to move past this. My therapist asked me to write down my feelings. I thought I had none. Tons emerged. Mostly rage and sadness. I misunderstood his assignment. He wanted me to write down how I felt when a memory emerged. So the next week I tried that and found I could not shut off the memory. Once the door opened up I was forever reliving bits and pieces of the memories and not being able to shut the door again. The feelings kept coming; terrified, overwhelmed, anxious. Those feelings left me depressed again. My assignment this week is to write a grief letter about my mother. Now there's a huge ball of crap to write about. After she died over three years ago, I started to remember more abuse my father perpetrated on me. She was a narcissist and had OCPD. She was anal to the max about many things in her life and therefore my life. My mother had to control everything around her and everyone around, especially me. I was her scapegoat. I don't have to do any of these assignments. However, they would help me heal from my childhood abuse and that is my goal in therapy. I am the one who set that goal, to express my emotions, to deal with the helplessness I feel. It is almost Sunday and I have not even sat down in front of my journal software to write a thing. Half of my week gone and I rotate on it avoiding that assignment. And I am a prolific writer and I journal daily but not since this assignment. Yesterday, I expressed some of the things I learned from my mother with my two granddaughters. This rings a familiar bell though: the ability to express good things about the people who raised me and the inability to express the bad things about those people. I can tell anyone all the horrible things my mother and father did to me BUT... then I am stuck. I cannot express the horrible feelings I have for those people who violated me in so many ways. I am stuck in the depression I hate so much. The only way out is through those yucky feelings.
  12. I can't really talk right now; I can't explain why or how bad I'm feeling. I just want to die. I'm wondering how much Abilify it would take to kill me. We just moved, it's the only thing (tablet-wise, besides fluoxetine) we've got in the house. I was kicked out my mum's house six months ago cos she doesn't approve of my partner (probably cos my partner is trans, and was also depressed/suicidal). So she kicked me out, and I lived in a hostel for ten days before I went to be with my partner. The problem is, that we couldn't live there anymore and had to move out. I have an idea this might be adding to my depression but my depression has been there for many years.
  13. Hello all, I was diagnosed with Dysthymia/Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, and Social Phobia back in September and started on 20 mg of Citalopram in October. I seemed to respond really well to the meds at first, because I had an increase in mood, energy, and lower anxiety levels. In fact, I managed to lose around 25 pounds. I maintained normal sleeping patterns. I would occassionally have a short little episode of dysthymia symptoms but nothing that that lasted too long. The problem lately is that I have formed a romantic obsession with someone I barely know. Obviously, I have insight into the fact that it's a problem, but my obsession borders on delusional (ever heard of erotomania?). I'm extremely dysphoric/anxious/depressed and have been having some suicidal thoughts. I can hardly stand to be in my own skin right now due to the anxiety and obsessive thoughts about this person. I'm feeling a little better today (thank god) and I actually have the attention span to come on here and ask about what's going on. Basically, I just want to know if this is (somewhat) normal or if I need to be evaluated. Does anyone know what the hell is wrong with me? I read that if someone has what they call "delusional disorder" that antidepressants can trigger an episode due to too much dopamine in the brain. Any help out there?
  14. I'm new. I’m reaching out for support here because I don’t know where else to go. I’ve distanced myself from everyone other than my husband and counselor out of shame. I pray and I go to counseling, but it just isn’t enough. I need help. Please be kind. I know I’ve done the unforgivable, but I’m having a hard time just making it through the day without killing myself anymore. My husband is considering divorce and he has very valid reasons. He moved out and many states away to live with his parents (he is 25) and asked me to move to the same area and get an apartment. I have. I’m currently just under five months pregnant with our first child and that is making the whole thing much harder. In theory, we are trying to work things out, but I don’t think he is sure of that decision. He left because I lied to him for years. It was a mistake. I thought I had a good reason when I started, but of course I didn’t, and once it started I didn’t know how to get out of it. I told him I had no contact with my biological family except for a sister. I did this because I was on very bad terms with them at the time and planned to cut them out of my life entirely, and didn’t want to involve him in the drama because I thought it would scare him away. We hadn’t been together very long when that lie started. But things didn’t work out the way I planned. The economy crashed, we lost our jobs, and I turned to those same relatives for money and they helped. But I didn’t know how to come clean with him and the lie continued. So I stayed in contact with them, gradually my relatives and I got along better, they continued to help out financially when we needed it, but I still wanted them out of my life. I continued the contact to get the money, to keep us off the streets. In short I used my relatives, and the lie to my now husband continued. I made excuses for where the money came from. He never knew. And that wasn’t the only thing I lied about. There was another big one: my age. We didn’t talk about it at all for a while. When he first thought to ask how old I was, it was after we’d slept together and actually moved in together with a roommate. And I panicked, because I was under 18 still (I’m 21 now) and he wasn’t. So I told him that I just didn’t like talking about my age and didn’t elaborate for months. And that is true; I don’t like talking about it. I spent a while on the streets as a young teen and then in an abusive live-in relationship with someone older, and I learned it was a bad idea to ever mention age because it could get me in trouble. Police could get called, I could go to foster care, and other fears. When he wouldn’t let it drop I lied about it too. I thought he would leave me over what I just saw as a number. I told him I didn’t know how old I was, because I didn’t have a copy of my birth certificate and there was some doubt surrounding my age. I supposedly got it cleared up just before we were married to keep up the lie and present a valid birth certificate in order to get married. I didn’t have a copy of my birth certificate for years while we lived together, but the reason wasn’t the one I gave him. We’ve been together roughly five years, married for under a year. We’ve lived together all but a few months of that time. We have had a lot of relationship problems aside from this. He has had two affairs with the same woman, so trust issues aren’t new to us, this is just the first time he hasn’t trusted me. There have been a few physical incidents as well, if you can call it that. He has held me down against my will on three different occasions and the last time it left marks. The last time was about a year ago now. We have fights that escalate, that started after I became pregnant. He didn’t touch me, just yelled and yelled after I asked him to stop, and I ended up in the ER immediately following two of the arguments because of bleeding and miscarriage scares and the doctor told me it was the stress. I nearly left him when things were bad after the ER incidents. Because we had another really bad fight, I locked myself in the bedroom and he kept yelling through the door, and then he called the police and told them I was armed and trying to hurt myself (neither were true, but since then he has said that he wanted them prepared for the worst.) The operator told him to get away from the door so I could get out, so I packed and left, and he followed me down the block until the police showed up. They checked me for weapons, saw his claim was false, and separated us. But I guess he still went to the magistrate to file some mental health thing against me. We reconciled, I thought. But while we were working on things, he had gotten in touch with my relatives and secretly asked them to fly to where we lived and help him confront me. They did. He moved out of state and so have I, at his request. There have actually been quite a few more problems than that, but I won’t get in to them right now. We’ve had a lot of wonderful times too and I want to save this marriage. A bit about the relatives. I moved out of their house as a young teen. My mother and I had a lot of problems and I didn’t feel safe. She self harmed, she was suicidal throughout my childhood, and we fought all the time. Not normal fights like teenagers and parents have, but stuff that would start small and really get out of hand, even when I tried hard to stop it. She also forced me on a medication that was supposed to be for chronic pain but caused psychotic episodes and I could never trust her after that, because she refused to let me stop taking it when I begged. Lots of bad things happened. I tried to talk to my father about everything that was happening with her, he wasn’t there much, and he didn’t believe me. So I brought him tape recordings of an argument, but he refused to listen to them. I stopped trusting him and I knew he would never protect me if I needed it. So when we got in a fight and she said I could leave and to never expect a welcome back, I left. I crashed on friends’ couches for a while until I ran out of places to stay. Then I lived on the streets and friends covered for me when people asked where I was. Then I got together with a guy who gave me a place to live. He became abusive. I have complex PTSD from that. I moved out after a couple of years to a different city. Things stayed bad with the relatives. We still fought, but over the phone instead. That was what it was like when my husband and I first got together. And now he is understandably hurt and angry. He lives with his parents. I live in an apartment in the same city, supposedly so we can work on our marriage. I’m pregnant. He is considering divorce. I’m in counseling to deal with a host of issues that I’m sure you can see here. He is trying to find a counselor for himself, with no luck so far. I want us to start marriage counseling, but he isn’t sure when or if that will happen. One of his other conditions for working this out is family counseling with my relatives, which my mother, father, and half-sister are supposed to attend with me if they are willing, but he will not be attending. I’ve signed consent forms so that my counselor can tell him everything that goes on in my sessions. I make sure there is proof every week that I’ve been there. I try to be completely transparent. But he has no interest in talking about the issues. I see him once in a while, but not much, because he wants distance. I’m trying really hard to find a job because I don’t have much money left at all, and we have a debt to clear up in our previous state as well. We have separate bank accounts now though. While I’m excited about the baby, the pregnancy hormones are making everything so much worse. But the baby is keeping me from smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing anything self destructive that I might otherwise in this situation, and I know that is good at least. I do struggle with suicidal thoughts on an almost hourly basis right now, but I don’t want to do anything stupid because I love this baby. I hate to see my husband in so much pain and I know I caused it. I do want to fix things. I’m doing everything I can think of and everything he asks. It is so hard. I love him with all my heart; he is my husband and the father of the child I’m carrying. I’m a heartbroken wreck and I have only myself to blame. Please, any advice or support is most welcome. Please be kind though. I know what I’ve done. I’ve taken responsibility for it. I’m doing everything I can to fix things. And I can’t take much more. Thank you.
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